QI Watchdown: C7 (Constellations)

And now, for another episode of QI. Like the one before it, this one features two people I adore on this programme, Rich Hall and Sean Lock, and one I’d rather do without, Jeremy Clarkson. Still, hopefully they’ll put in a good showing.

Jeremy already has his ‘fuck off Fry’ face on, which means he’s himself.

The buzzers are a bit commonplace, as they’re all dog noises. The only unusual ones are Rich’s howl and Alan’s higher-pitched dog.

You can tell this show’s definitely found its footing when Stephen introduces the topic as “Alan’s least favorite subject, the ancient greeks.” And he winces.

This is a cool little episode-wide runner. Each of the four is given a constellation, and they have to figure out the best ways to connect the dots. Very clever, and could lead to some excellent possibilities.

Rich reminds me why I adore his humor. Stephen asks how long it would take to drive to outer space. Rich says “wouldn’t it depend on the traffic?”

Jeremy keeps trying to refute Stephen’s claim that outer space starts at 62 miles up. He brings up a point that a man called Joe Kittenger jumped out of a hot air balloon at 62 miles up. To which Rich goes “Oh, you mean Dead Joe Kittenger?”

Sean Lock on building a lift up to outer space: “Once you get up there, there isn’t really anything there. It’s a lot like Norfolk.” Stephen wags a finger, and says “you just be careful..”

Jeremy is a bit of a twat, but his dick moves do call for some nice comedy. Stephen mentions the world’s smallest dog, which could fit into a rather small box, which he shows around. Jeremy goes “or, between two pieces of bread.” Stephen has the best reaction- he asks Jeremy to repeat it so the audience can hear it.

Sean starts screwing with Stephen after he says that Chihuahua is a province, rather than a state. He goes ‘you’re really gonna be beating yourself tonight’, and then motions being hung by the wrists, yelling “ALRIGHT FELLAS, WINCH ME UP!”

Stephen, also attributed to the show’s longevity, says to Alan, “I believe you do a Mexican accent.” Alan just goes, “Si.”, and smiles. Not the caliber of ‘THE PEENK POLENTAAA! I LOVE EET!”, but still funny.

And then a second later Alan goes “Queso.”

Okay, I don’t think the QI production team knew what they were dealing with when they asked what flint was made up of, and asked it to a panel featuring a guy who wrote an entire book made up of fake words. So, when Rich answered “fluff and lint”, I not only laughed, but I was impressed.

On the reveal of Timothy the tortoise.
Jeremy: “Isn’t that the one that just died?”
Alan (pointing to the screen): “No, there he is, he’s fine.”

Alan provided me with the biggest laugh of the episode so far, with his interpretation of the soldiers throwing Timothy at the enemy, him crawling back, and them throwing him again.

And then Rich caps it off by going ‘I hope they didn’t use him to send messages’. I love Rich’s humor because it’s quick, simple, and funny.

Wait, holy shit, the episode’s not even halfway done and it’s already time for GI? Holy crap! This could be a good thing, but still, DAMN it’s early.

Stephen: “And where do loofahs come from?”
Alan: “…the bathroom.”

This does, however, lead to the episode’s first klaxon, when Alan guesses they’re in the sea.

Sean has this anecdote that leads to the episode’s best quote. “I got the worst Christmas present ever, ever in my life. My sister gave me a ‘Grow your own Loofah’ kit. It was a clay pot, a bag of earth, and five seeds. I think the clay pot hit her the hardest.”

Stephen has to take away Alan’s loofah after he starts miming beating off with it. He says “that’s going into the artifacts bin and you’re going into the naughty corner”, which I think evoked memories of Greg Proops and the pain-stick. But then Rich goes “is that going in the penis tin?”

Jeremy now does his best to save Alan from saying the obvious answer to the Model T question. As Alan buzzes in, Jeremy starts going ‘don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say black.” Alan guesses black anyway.

Also, I noticed that Alan’s buzzer changed to a goat noise in this part of the game. Very interesting.

Alan then goes “You can have any color as long as it’s black”. Stephen was even expecting that, going “OH, YOU SAID *THAT* EVEN!” as the klaxon goes off.

Jeremy: “I ate a puffin last week, I didn’t like it, but I ate it because i’d never had one before.”
Sean: “Y’ever try one of my turds?”
Stephen (turning around): “Did you just say what I thought you said? Get out.”

I love how vulgar everybody’s getting in this episode, and how Stephen keeps herding them like eight-year-olds.

Alan’s Australian accent, about cooking a Galaar or however it’s spelled, is actually pretty nice, though not as memorable as his mexican.

Alan: “If you could glue one person’s mouth shut, who would it be?”
Rich: “I would do it to a ventriloquist.”

Context for this next joke: Alan guesses ‘diary’ for the buried in the fire joke, and is buzzed. The answer turns out to be cheese. Stephen goes “so, it’s more dairy than diary, really”, which is met by boos from the audience, to which he goes “thank you.”

Rich calls his constellation “George Foreman delivering a powerful right hand to a parakeet.” Gotta love his odd humor.

Stephen does himself go for the lowbrow, in calling the actual constellation for Sean, a goat with his arse high in the air, ‘a goat waiting to be fucked.”

Jeremy ends up winning. I’m not even mad. Jeremy is far from the worst, as he’s still funny enough to keep me interested.

Overall: A wonderfully fun and vulgar episode, this one outdid my expectations, and all four players contributed a lot of nice bits. One of the better ones this season, though not the overall tippy top.

MVP: Alan
Best Guest: Sean
Show Winner: Jeremy
Best QI Fact: the loofahs.

BTW- I’ll probably get a new one up soon. Our first David Mitchell episode is next. I can’t wait.

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