QI Watchdown: D9 (Doves)

Like Differences, we have three panelists that I wouldn’t have guessed to have been on the same show. David Mitchell, who will become one of this show’s more famous players, Andy Hamilton, who’s had some nice appearances thus far, and John Sessions, who’s hit his peak. I don’t know if these three will mesh together, or repel, or what. But either way, they’re still funny.

Stephen prefaces the ‘buzzers’ by saying they’re all ‘disparaging’. David’s is a throng of boos. Andy’s is a crowd of people yelling “RESIGN!” John’s is “OFF! OFF! OFF!” Alan’s is just obnoxious laughing.

Right out of the gate, all four are talking. So I guess this is going well.

On mongooses vs. cobra, Andy goes ‘you never see a David Attenborough where he goes ‘oh dear…the mongoose has copped it…’

David on giving pigeons medals. “The problem with giving medals to animals is it turns into promoting the animals, and pretty soon you’ve got a pigeon in charge of the whole army.”

Classic Idiot Alan moment: Andy is trying to figure out what Stephen means by bravery in animals, and he assumes it must be a robin. Alan goes ‘what, like in Batman?’

I love how Stephen has an actual pigeon model on his desk to demonstrate the ‘pigeon kamikaze’. Not as funny as the dog plushes from a few episodes ago, especially Alan’s giant sheepdog.

Stephen, on pigeon kamikaze: “And then it gets really, really close, and it explodes in a ball of flame.”
John: ‘…and that’s the thanks it gets?”

Stephen, on the pigeons hitting the orange dot: “Can you imagine how this would be useful?”
Andy: “I was thinking about this just the other day, it’s funny you said that..’

Stephen speaks of a flock of pigeons one mile wide, 300 miles long.
David: “So they’re shitting whole hills. If you’re caught under that, you are DEAD.”

Stephen: “What uses can you think of…for Moby’s dick?”
John: “I’m way ahead of you…”

Funniest part of this episode is Alan’s physical impression of someone trying to hold onto the sperm whale’s penis.

John: “I read somewhere that when Maria Callas first boarded Onassis’ yacht-”
Alan: “I thought you were gonna say Onassis’ cock…”

John reveals that the chairs were made from the foreskin of sperm whales.
David: “Did they kill a bunch of whales, or did they swim underneath one and circumcise it?

Line of the episode comes from David, after the bit about the mincers:
“D’you like my apron?”Yes, I like your apron. How’d you get it?””Well, it’s the EASIEST thing in the world…all I did…I cut a sperm whale’s cock off…”

This is not a great episode, just a forewarning. Not a lot of great material.

Stephen talks of the fluffer on a porn set, who was in charge of exciting the, eh…
Andy: “And then turn it into an apron…”

Stephen: “America changed their motto to ‘In God we Trust’ in 1956..”
Alan: “And that’s when it all started to go downhill…”

Best part of the episode: Stephen finishes the ‘e pluribus unum’ question by saying it was originally the name of a salad dressing. Then he realizes that he just ruined the bonus question. So, even though he’s already given the panel the answers, Stephen has to ask the question again. And Alan, of course, buzzes in and gets it right.

What a weird episode. David gets last, and Alan wins.

Funniest part is had Stephen not given him the answer, Alan still would have won. Outstanding.

Final Thoughts: A rather dull episode. True, David and Andy had some nice moments, and Alan was himself, but not a hell of a lot happened. John didn’t contribute a lot in terms of jokes.

Still, this episode did emphasize the importance of Alan Davies. Without Alan, even the most promising of panels can fall apart. And it’s a good thing that Alan has never missed a-
Up next?
Ah, shit.

MVP: Alan
Best Guest: David
Show Winner: Alan
Best QI Fact: The Sperm Whale’s cock.


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