Nevermind Watchdown: S8E8, or THE SWEENEY…THE SWEENEY…

Onto another one, this one featuring a return appearance from Rowland Rivron, which is semi-warranted, and an NMTB debut for Phil “the hairy Scotsman” Kay, as well as two others.

Barbara Dickson is a singer and Olivier-winning actress, which is kind of nice. Jade Jones sang lead for boy band Damage, and is currently married to Baby Spice.

Phill, on Michael Jackson: “He looks like Martine MacCutcheon there.”
Mark: “I prefer Tito MacCutcheon.”
Phill: “I prefer Randy MacCutcheon.”
Rowland: “I prefer touching MacCutcheon.”

Phill: “There’s a bit [in the video] where he’s being attacked by five blokes. Is that the Jackson brothers demanding their careers back??”

So far there’s not a lot going on. Rowland’s great, but he doesn’t have that many lines. Phil is just coming off as really annoying. The other two aren’t giving much at all.

Next Lines: “If paradise is half as nice as heaven that you’d take me to.”
Phill: “Go on Rowland.”

Overall: A lot of stuff that either wasn’t funny or I didn’t get. I guess Rowland was the one standout.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Rowland
Best Runner: The Sweeney theme tune.

Nevermind Watchdown: S8E7, or Just Do the Clicking, Goth Boy!

Skipping over Episode 6 until I find a copy online, we venture onto an episode with four newbies, and four people I really haven’t heard of.

Steve Harley sang with pop-ish-rock band Cockney Rebel back in the 70’s. Lisa Rogers is the 5,000th top of the pops presenter NMTB has had on. Dani Filth is, of all things, a metal lead singer, for Cradle of Filth. Eddie Brill is, a rarity, an American comedian, though he comes from Boston rather than Alabama, which would be Vic Henley’s home.

Sorry, but is Dani Filth just a metal version of Brian Molko?

Sean, on Chuck Berry and Blur: “Is it that the last 50 years of Chuck Berry’s life is a BLUR?”

Lisa: “Damon, I think, in that clip was sucking on a small sweet…and Chuck got arrested for sucking on something small and sweet.”
Just as good as Dave Mustaine’s comment about Elton John’s ‘two lips’

Sean: “I know they played Chuck Berry’s music on the Voyeur, I mean the Voyager!”
Phill: “Yeah, a satellite going all ’round the universe, going “I SAY…DING DONG…”

Mark: “What’d you think connects those two?”
Dani, doing a momentary Rich Hall impression: “Could it be that pink line in the middle? Which, unfortunately, says ‘cock'”
Phill: “Garcia and Vicious…linked by a Pink Cock.”

Phill: “The Grateful Dead, they weren’t really dead, and Sid Vicious, he wasn’t really vicious.”
Eddie: “Also, the Grateful dead weren’t really that great…”
Mark: “And Sid Vicious’ name wasn’t really Sid. WHAT FUN WE’RE HAVING!!!”

Phill: “I think it’d be nice if Sid’s motorcycle had a sidecar…little plasticine dog in it…Sid and Gromit.”
Eddie: “More likely to be ‘Sid and Vomit’.”

Eddie: “He’s singing a song by Johnnie Cochran, and he’s screaming because he’s got a cock ring.”
Mark: “We call him Eddie Cochran here. Johnnie Cochran was the O.J. lawyer! He didn’t write ‘Come on Everybody’.”
Mark: “Phill, Johnnie Cochran wasn’t in Song of the South!”

For a bonus, Mark asks the panel what Jimmy Savile said about the Sid Vicious video. “And yes, Dani, there is a big pink cock in between them…”
Sean: “Did he say “SHAWAHDEH…WADEH…” (Not as good as Hugh’s.)

Mark, to Dani: “What’s your sort of thing called? Death grunt metal?”
Dani: “Heavy funk, actually. You need to get with the times…”
Mark, standing over with Dani: “Let’s just see which period I’d be happier in……I’m okay…”
Dani: I was gonna say ‘well, that’s obviously the 70’s'”
Mark: “YES DANI, I WISH I COULD LEAVE LOOKING LIKE YOU! But no one’s flowed into my bathroom and left the two little marks on my neck, so I won’t.”

Dani does eventually fuck up his first intro.
Eddie, sarcastically: “I’ve got rhythm!”
Mark: “I could quite happily brink bleach now.”
Dani: “Bleach would actually be nice about now actually…”
Mark: “YOU DON’T DRINK BLEACH! You’re just being a silly goose right now, Mister Filth…”

Eddie, by the way, is basically an American Stewart Francis. Sounds exactly like him.

Mark: “Dani, I’ve never been to one of your gigs, but I’d love to if you all come on, lay down your instruments and go “MEET THE GANG CAUSE THE BOYS ARE HERE…”
Surprisingly this isn’t the last It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum reference Mark Lamarr will make on NMTB.

Dani: “On four?”
Phill, doing an Igor impression: “ANYTHING, MAAHSTAH, ANYTHING YOU SAY…”
Mark: “Phill, I’ve told you not to use this show for auditioning purposes…”

Sean guesses the wrong Nirvana song.
Dani: “Come on, there’s only nine songs. How many albums have they done, two?”
Sean: “Yeah, that makes EIGHTEEN! Cause I can remember twelve of yours!!”
Mark: “No, not that again. The Hunchfront of Buzzcocks.”

Dani, in the middle of ‘Have You Seen Her’, just does a long, over the top metal noise, which nobody really gets. Aftewards, Mark goes “Yeah, Phill was doing Have You Seen Her, but I think Dani was doing ‘Have You Seen Her, Cause I’ve Buried Her Around Here Somewhere’. “I AM A BLEACH DRINKER!!”

Mark throws two people, #1 and #5, out of Phill’s ID Parade for “bad attitude”. It’s actually kind of amusing. Then he throws out #2. “I’m making it very easy for you now…”

Dani: “I think it’s #3.”

Mark: “Right, let’s make this a bit easier. #3, COULD YOU LEAVE?”
Dani: “Is it #3?”
Mark: “Let’s see, out of the remaining one people…”

Mark, Next Lines: “Come up and see me, make me smile.”
Steve, realizing it’s one of his: “DAH!”
Mark: “That’s near enough…”

Eddie and Mark turn Barbara Ann, the Beach Boys song, into an ode to Cradle of Filth, and Phill eventually joins in (she’s got me digging’ and a burin’…”) Dani eventually has to go “GUYS! Crap jokes, and i’m gonna lose this…”

Ending the MC Hammer running gag he’s been doing all night (dun-dun-un-un…dun-un…dun-un HAVE YOU SEEN HER), Mark signs off with “I’ve been Mark Lamarr (dun-dun-un-un…dun-un…dun-un) Drink Bleach, (dun-dun-un-un…dun-un…dun-un) Goodnight.”

Overall: An episode that certainly made up for the last few, and set a new high for the series, thanks to Phill, Dani and Eddie being so on. Mark and Phill screwing with Dani brought out the best stuff in everybody, and brought a ton of running gags. Steve and Lisa had some good stuff, but weren’t as good as the other panel.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Dani
Best Runner: Drinking Bleach.

Nevermind Watchdown: S8E5 or I’m walking away…FROM POPSTARS!

Three people we’ve seen before tonight: Glenn Tilbrook from Squeeze, Dane Bowers from Another Level, and Vic Henley, the Southern pitch-dark comedian. Darius Danesh is our fourth man, a Scottish singer and performer.

Sean on the Iggy video: “The Iggy Pop exercise video didn’t really take off…”
Mark: “I wanted to get a body like that, but there isn’t a syringe exchange near my house.”
Vic: “that’s what he’s going for there. It’s the Heroin-Bruce Springsteen combo.”
Mark: “Shooting in the Dark.”

Vic: “He’s holding a flag there because he’s just won the war on drugs.”
Sean: “Or he’s got them all!”

Vic makes the guy go back to a shot where Iggy’s raising his arms like a trombone to the camera. “He’s showing there how difficult it’d be to blow him.”

Sean: “So, does everyone in pop have a large penis, Darius?”
Darius: “I dunno.”
Vic, nearly prompting him: “THE ANSWER IS *YES!*”
Sean, a la Simon: “Darius we won’t be asking you back next week I’m afraid…”

I am reminded of Glenn’s exuberance tonight, as he’s so happy to be here, especially in guessing Roxanne. He was pretty nice his first time out too.

Mark: “Dancing in the moonlight is used as the theme to Jamie Oliver’s advert. You know the one, it’s the one where he’s really annoying.”
Man, it looks like Mark has grown quite fond of butchering Jamie Oliver. And for that…I salute him.

Mark: “Prince has recently become a Jehova’s Witness, and can’t travel anywhere without his bible. Well, he’s got to stand on something to reach the doorknobs…”

On the Tracy Tracy ID Parade: It’s not #2, because she was in the Nolans ID Parade (“#1, I’m in the Mood for Dancing…#2, I’m in the Mood for STARING.”)

Phill: “Why does #2 only dye his mustache? There may be snow on the roof, but there’s a broom under my nose…”

Mark: “And I suspect that’s not the last time I’ll be saying ‘Now Performing on Cruiseliners’, and then an unusual name’
Man, the Darius slams are coming from all over tonight.

Next Lines: “I’m walking away from all the troubles in my life.”
Darius: “I;m walking away…”
Sean: “From Popstars!”

Overall: A lot of Darius stuff that I didn’t type, or, really, understand, but all of that was the backbone of the episode. Dane surprisingly didn’t do too much, Glenn was quieter, but ruled his panel, Vic did give some of the funniest lines of the show, but this episode’s sole purpose is as a way of making fun of Darius from Popstars. And there were some really good ones I didn’t put down, by the way.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Vic
Best Runner: Darius slams.

Nevermind Watchdown: S8E4 or DUH-DUH-DUH-DUDUDUH!

FINALLY, we get to watch a Junior Simpson episode, as Youtube is actually letting me watch one. The other two earlier ones i’m gonna have to go back to when someone blippin’ posts them, but for now, we can have this one.

Also on the panel tonight are Claire Richards, another member of Steps, Miles Hunt, lead singer from The Wonder Stuff, and Michael Greco, an Eastenders star and poker player.

Phill: “Claire, why d’you think he’s called Moby.”
Claire: “Uh, because he’s a Londoner. You know, ‘Moby.”
Phill and Junior, to the audience, simultaneously, as if to justify: “SHE’S IN *STEPS*!”

Sean, on the shot of Christina Ricci cradling Moby: “Is this not the ‘hello’ picture from the Madonna-Guy wedding?”
Mark: “Much more like the Michael Douglas- Catherine Zeta Jones, isn’t it??”

Michael talks about the moments in Eastenders where they music goes “DUH-DUH-DUH-DUDUH!”, and he looks at the camera vacantly. “We get about 5 a year, so I really look forward to ’em.”
Mark: “Do you practice in the mirror with your drum machine?”

For the Procol Harum clip, which is funny enough on its own, Phill asks to see the clip without any sound…and then he promptly redubs it into an advert for ‘Lord Lucan’s Fashion House’, which made me laugh especially hard.

Phill to Claire before his first intro: “I may get the tune wrong on this one, because I just saw down your top.”

Mark: “Racey had an ill-advised tour of Japan. It was constantly interrupted by heckles of “Nevermind Racey, where’s Cagney??”
Mark, continuing the thought bubble gag: “I wish I hadn’t have said that…”

Sean finishes his first intro with a “DUH-DUH-DUDUH!”, to throw off Michael. He even follows it up with “Changing Rooms is up next.”

Michael, halfway through the show, just break dances for a spell. By the time he gets back, Sean goes “That’s great, I had no idea you were gay…”

Michael: “I only know stuff from Steps, and Boyzone, and…”
Sean: “Yeah, cause you’re gay!”

Michael: “Listen, I’ve got a lot of Scottish friends, and #3-”
Sean: “Yeah, lot of gay people up there…”
I know this running gag must hit Michael hard…but I love it.

Miles: ‘And it was a kid friendly band…”
Mark: “#4 definitely looks kid friendly.”
#4 is this very tall, older, scary looking dude. And it’s hysterical.

Miles is insisting that it’s 3, but Sean knows it’s 5 because of a look he just got from him. Mark, amusedly, goes “THAT’S THE TEAM SPIRIT THAT KEPT THE BAND TOGETHER, MILES!”

Junior, on the cowboy-hat wearing lineup of Benders: “Is this Westlife of years to come?”
Phill: “Wild Westlife.”

Next Lines:
Mark: “To the left, to the right.”
Junior: “That’s the way me dick swings!”

Mark: “Your letter was only the start of it.”
Sean: “And then I read it, and…there was loads more writing”

Overall: Yeah, still not the volume of Ep. 2, but still on the right track. Sean’s panel was wonderful tonight, featuring the very loose Miles, and Michael, who was a great launching pad for a lot of Sean’s jokes. Not a lot of Junior tonight, and just enough of Claire, so that there was a nice amount of Steps jokes.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Miles
Best Runner: Thought Bubble.

Nevermind Watchdown: S8E3, or Blackburn and Slash…what a team!

The last time I had a metal-geek-out was when Lemmy Kilmister came on. Now, Lemmy was grumpy, and difficult, and way out of his element, but he was still Lemmy.

Slash…is a different animal entirely.

Slash has the renown, the name, the reputation, and is much bigger than anybody that’s been on this show before. He’s Slash. He’s the guitarist for Guns ‘N Roses. He’s one of the greatest guitarists of all time. And he’s on NMTB…for some reason.

The rest of the panel looks decent enough, and features the return of VJ Josie D’Arby. Paul Marazzi sang with A1. Tony Blackburn was a Pirate Radio DJ, and won I’m a Celebrity a year after being on NMTB.

AAAAND Slash is smoking a cigarette. Top of the show. All class, this one.

Sean: “Super Furry Animals were the first thing Marty Peller saw when he went into rehab.”
Mark: “Hallucinated, d’ya mean?”
Sean: “No, the band was there. He really liked them.”

Sean on Paul: “I just feel like I’m babysitting for Eminem’s little brother…”

Tony: “My connection is that they’re both related to Mrs. Mill.”
Mark: “Like they’re gonna remember Mrs. Mill…they barely remember YOU!”

Mark, summing up this episode succinctly: “Blackburn and Slash. What a team!”
Phill: “That’s a cop show I’d pay to see. Blackburn and Slash. BOOK EM, BLACKBURN!”

Tony: “I have a connection with Phill as well, because I’m also at the cutting edge of comedy.”
Phill: “Yeah, and I’m a shit DJ.”
Phill and Tony do hug it out after this joke.

Mark, after Tony’s umpteenth connection: “We all have a connection, too. We’re all sitting in the same place WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!”

Sean, to Paul before Intros: “PLEASE STAND UP…PLEASE STAND UP…”

Things Mark sings to throw off Sean’s intros: I Can See Clearly Now, which he awards Josie a point for guessing out of confusion, and Theme from Shaft.

Mark, right before Slash has to do intros: “Buckle up, we’re in for a bumpy ride.”
Phill: “This might take a while. Each one has a thirty minute guitar solo.”

Tony: “I’ll have you know I’ve released 18 singles.”
Mark: “Oh, really? Back into the wild?”

Slash says his family’s gonna be watching this. “My cousin’s gonna be going, like “what the hell’s he doing up there?”
Mark: “He won’t be alone.”

So let me get this straight…there’s an ID Parade where they have to guess a black guy…and Athelston Williams is NOT one of the 5 choices? They did, however, get the guy with the long face, aka Swollen River.

Sean, on the ID Parade: “It’s great to see Musical Youth back together.”

Phill: “I think #4…is Shaggy from Scooby Doo. “YIKES! YOU ARE A REAL GHOST!!”
(Ironically it ends up being number 4.)

Mark: “Phill’s team, you need ten to win.”

Mark refuses to give Tony a point for being too “snooty.”
Tony: “That’s not fair.”
Slash: “It’s fair. He’s a prick, it’s alright.”
Mark: “I think Slash is mad because he didn’t get a point…on a song called Teenager in Love by Marty Wilde….YOU GIT.”

Mark: “Take me down to the paradise city.”
Slash: “Where the girls got…I mean…when the girls…”
Mark, eventually: “Whatever you’d said, I would have accepted it. I can’t make out any of it…”

Mark: “For those about to rock.”
Slash: “We will rock you.”
Mark: “No, we salute you.”
Slash: “We salute you. Goddammit…”

Overall: Had a slow middle, but still a very funny episode, with a good panel, even if it was slightly a step down from Ep. 2. Slash and Tony were the perfect combination of crazy, and Slash really came alive as the night went on. Paul was only good for a few Eminem jokes. Josie was funny because Sean or Mark could screw with her.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Slash
Best Runner: Tony’s finger.

Nevermind Watchdown: S8E2, or JUST A MINUTE…ALL *FIVE* OF THEM HAVE GOT CHINS!!!

I don’t think I’ve ever been excited for a single panel dynamic more than I have been for Sean’s tonight. On Sean’s left will be Dave Mustaine, from Megadeth. On Sean’s right will be the exact opposite of Dave Mustaine, an uncool, unrocking old fart named Arthur Smith. This will be hysterical if done right.

I’d be excited for Phill’s if I knew either of them. Tania Strecker’s a TV Presenter from Denmark. Bryan Harvey sang lead for boy/pop band East 17. Fairly normal NMTB panel. It’s alright, because Phill’s getting a good one next ep.

Sean, on Elton John: “Why would he cancel a gig? Dave, y’ever cancel a gig?”
Dave: “Uh, yeah.”
Sean: “Why?”
Dave: “Ran out of drugs.”

Bryan says that he never stormed offstage during a gig, even if there were “several people in the stands going like [fuck off]”
Mark, cheerfully: “HE SAW ME!”

Arthur, trying to prove a point: “Have you ever eaten a cricket, Sean?”
Sean: “Yeah, I have.”
Arthur: “So have I. It was backstage at a Buddy Holly concert.”

Arthur: “Crickets enjoy rubbing their legs together.”
Sean: “They haven’t GOT LEGS!”
Mark, confused: “Sean, what kinds of crickets have you been hanging about with???”

Sean: “Crickets enjoy that sort of piano bar music.”
Arthur: “How do you know? The only crickets you know have got no legs!!”

Mark realizes the video-screen is making it look like Elton’s mouth is directly behind him. He goes “OH, I DON’T LIKE THAT SHOT! I’m in Elton’s mouth. Brings back too many unhappy memories…”

Dave has quite possibly the best line so far, going with the floral arrangement answer: “I think that someone put roses on his piano, and what he really wanted was two-lips on his organ.”

There’s a great moment where Tania, coming from a “posh background”, asks if Sean meant “maaahsterbating”. Mark even goes “I’ve never heard anybody say it like that before…”

Mark: “In 1994, Alice in Chains opened for Metallica in the “Shit in the Shed” tour…presumably named after things you’d rather do than listen to Alice in Chains…”

Arthur, after Dave and Sean’s first intro: “Despair and disillusionment are essential moments in the progress of the intellectual soul.”
Mark: “HE DOESN’T KNOW!!!”

Arthur: “I love the idea that the man from Megadeth is doing The Shadows…”
Dave: “Trust me, my career’s over after this…”

I find it very odd that they did a song by The Offspring that A.) I knew, B.) Isn’t very well known, and C.) Nobody on the panel knew. Very cool.

Tania on her first intro is so pathetic that it’s funny. She doesn’t know the song. Then Mark says the title, and she doesn’t get it. Then Mark says it again. Then he gives her an anagram of the words. Then he gives up and just gives her the card. All the while Phill and Bryan just keep doing the intro. It’s hysterical.

Phill tries doing the next intro, but he loses Tania AND Bryan. So, in the middle, he goes “TWO THREE FOUR” and goes right back into Into the Valley.

Tania, on Coldplay’s Yellow: “Such a good song…such an AMAZING song.”

Mark, summing up the episode so far: “At the end of that round, Sean’s team….with Arthur….ONE.”

#1 in Sean’s ID Parade is Staring Pirate Man, way back before they figured out what to do with him. Not Athelston, but still funny.

Arthur: “But what is the point of having one of them poorly dressed as a woman?”
Sean: “They just want Eddie Izzard to know what he’s going to look like in 20 years time.”

Dave: “It’s #3.”
Sean: “Dave, you haven’t even heard of the band!!”
Dave: “…who cares…”

Phill is having a hell of a time screwing with Tania. Tania picks 32, saying he’s ‘the man with the chin’. Phill, making an overdramatic realization, goes “WAIT…JUST A MINUTE…ALL *FIVE* OF THEM HAVE GOT CHINS!!!”

Next Lines: “If you think I can go away.”
Phill: “Ooh, East 17 song…”
Bryan, teeth clenched: “DON’T THINK I CAN TAKE THE PAIN.”
Mark: “ONE POINT.”

Mark: “No escaping pain. You belong to me.”

Dave gives the actual Megadeth line, and Mark retorts “I liked Sean’s version better.”

Mark: ‘All around my hat.”
Arthur: “An enormous…circular cat.”

Overall: That was hysterical, and another strong Series 8 show. It helped that the panel was on, and everyone had something to contribute. Bryan was great being confused in Intros. Dave had some great lines. Arthur, of course, was fantastic and had the best moments. Tania was great because Phill and Mark screwed with her the whole show. A good sign after a rocky Series 7.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Arthur
Best Runner: Mark vs. Arthur

Nevermind Watchdown: S8E1, or Too Late for Mr. Denver

So the last two episodes of Series 7 aren’t on youtube, and it pisses me off. Episode 9 is, but the rip is in such crap quality that I can’t understand what anyone’s saying. So yeah- Alvin Stardust and Rich Hall’s return will have to wait.

For now…the return of Brian Molko, which I’ve kind of been waiting for. Sarah Cawood is also back, and hopefully this time someone will notice. Rhona Cameron, a gay Scottish comedian, is also on the panel, as is Pete Devereaux, a member of garage band Artful Dodger.

Mark let his hair grow out a bit. This is…new.

Mark, in his intro for Sarah, said she attended the Royal Ballet Institute, “but let due to back problems. They wouldn’t have her back…”

Brian, on ZZ Top and John Denver: “ZZ Top’s drummer, I think, shot himself in the bollock, and I think John Denver shot his load over a mountain…”
Mark: “You’d like to think so, wouldn’t you?”
Sean: “Is that what caused the crash? Didn’t put THAT in the official report…”

Sean, on John Denver: “He had three big hits, ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’, ‘Rocky Mountain High’, and ‘Mayday Mayday Mayday’
I should be appalled by all these John Denver plane crash jokes…but I’m amused.

Sean rolls in another one: “Is ZZ the noise the plane made as it was going down?”

Mark, with ONE MORE: “In addition to all his hits, John Denver also wrote ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’. Unfortunately, he neglected to write ‘ARRIVING on a jet plane.’

Phill: “In that OMD video, you get a shot of their equipment. Orchestral Maneuvers are going to be taking the place of air traffic control…”
Sean: “Too late for Mr. Denver, though…”

Sean and Brian’s chemistry is fun, especially in Intros, where Brian confuses Sean with a count off, and Sean just keeps giving him the count off every other time, adding in a FOUR even if it’s a 3 count.

Phill sees Sarah getting distracted during his first Intro. He motions to his shirt and says “LISTEN TO SUPERMAN…WHO’S LET HIMSELF GO A BIT! Why couldn’t they put kryptonite in the burgers?”

There’s a lot of joy in how atrocious Sarah is at guessing, and how literally every intro Phill gives ends up going completely to waste. Between this one and the last round, Phill very well might be on the way to a huge bellyflop this episode.

Pete on Phill’s Dress You Up model: “Is that a Kiss-o-gram for Lemmy?”

Next Lines:
Mark: “S Y S L J F M”
Sean: “Hello from the dyslexics!”

Overall: Great start, crap ending. Brian and Rhona were really helpful, and Brian, as usual, put in a standout performance, especially with his ABBA fixation, but not a ton else happened worth reporting.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Brian
Best Runner: John Denver

QI Watchdown: G6 (Genius), or the one with RODNEY BEWES!!

Ah, yes. Graham Norton Hits QI. Quite the occasion.

Tonight’s episode features Dara, Graham Norton, and David Mitchell, so this will clearly be a pretty wild one to watch. You’ve got a quiet one liner machine, a loud one-liner machine, and a loud information machine. This will be interesting.

The buzzers are done in the style of University Challenge, except for Alan’s, who mistakenly thinks this is Blockbusters. Stephen does say that Alan’s actually a PhD, so his buzzers is an angry scotsman going “THA DOCTOR’LL SEE YA NOW!”

I love this. Stephen mentions that blocking the right nostril will make people instantly less happy. Alan takes this literally, blocks the right one, feigns sadness, and then takes the tissue out and starts smiling again.

Stephen: “Try and think of a really, really big number-”
Alan: “Seventeen.”

Alan says, of raising children, that you shouldn’t have them watch television until they’re four.
Dara: “Oh, that is not how parenting works, my friend…you train them to like the television as quickly as they possibly can…”
Alan: “Because there was no ADHD until TV was invented.”
Dara: “They’re happy with HD, my friend.”

Graham: “I mean, if you have a child listen to ‘One Potato, Two Potato’, they’ll at least learn that…and could count potatoes…”
And then Graham turns to other irishman on his side, and they reminisce about potatoes.

Stephen: “Do you know about the English Motzarts? Do they mean anything to you?”
Alan: “McFly.”
Man, that was almost a NMTB answer.

Alan: “My great-grandfather signed his marriage certificate with a cross.”
Stephen: “Of course, his name was Xavier…”
Graham: “He could have just used a pen.”
There are two ways of looking at a joke…

Stephen, on Mensa: “They used to be called MENS, which is Latin for mind, but they thought their magazine would look like some men’s special interest one…so they added an A…”
Graham: “Already, I’m not being filled with confidence that this is being run by geniuses.”
Man, Graham Norton really fits on this show.

Graham talks of a woman he did a game show with in America, whose father was a serial killer, and she didn’t tell her husband until after the wedding. He also mentioned the husband’s father committed suicide. “SO, YOU’VE GOT A SERIAL KILLER…AND A SUICIDAL MAN…AND YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD GENE POOL TO BE SPLASHIN’ AROUND IN??”
Stephen: “She’ll give birth to a child who kills himself LOTS OF TIMES!!”

Dara, to Graham: “When you say ‘not til after she married him’, HOW LONG…was it after the speeches? Did she go “uh, Dad’s about to say a few words, this might be worth catching…”
Graham: “This may explain why he went with orange…”
David: “What you’d do then is you’d have her cover as a Serial Killer Themed Wedding.”

Alan spots Rodney Bewes in the background of the Da Vinci photo, and David just goes on a tangent about how Bewes might have just gone back in time to check Da Vinci’s pulse, or Da Vinci “might have INVENTED the Likely Lads…’

David: “The one on the left is gesturing to Rodney Bewes, as if to say “LEONARDO, WHO’S THIS DICK??”
Alan: ‘Well, that’s Matthew Kelly anyway-”
Stephen: “NOO! DON’T!”

Stephen: “Now I’ve got a horrible feeling that the Brian Blessed on the end has had the top of his head sawed of. CAUSE ‘E’S NOUUUGHH LONGAAUUHH BRIAN BLESSID!”

Stephen, on Da Vinci’s nephew: ‘sadly he died at only age 22, leaving 20 works behind him.”
Alan, calling back to Mozart: “Pushed out a window by Michaelangelo.”
Stephen: “Or, possibly by Mozart.”
David: “For having stolen…Rodney Bewes’ time traveling technology.”

Stephen: “The first cloned dog, from Korea, was called Snappy.”
Alan: “…and then they ate it…”

Great moment at the top of GI. Stephen asks the panel how old they are. Nobody buzzes in. Everybody thinks it’s a trap. Graham eventually buzzes in and goes “how old do I look?”

David, summing it up perfectly: “It just shows you the effect of this game, though. You ask a question, and all four of us think ‘that is something I definitely know the answer to, but I’m so UNCERTAIN…that I’m not even willing to give my own age, name or address.”


Stephen mentions a man named Spratt, who sold ‘dog cakes’, which confuses the hell out of Alan. He rewords it as dog biscuits. Alan goes “when you said ‘dog cakes’, I thought you meant it was made of dogs.”
David: “Dog biscuits are biscuits for dogs. Dog cakes are cakes that might have a layer of dog in them…”

Stephen says he loves watching golf.
Stephen, matter-of-factly: “…the golf…”

Stephen: ‘And finally, how many brains did the man with two brains have?”
Alan: “Two.”
David, nearly tearing out his hair: “IT’S SO CRUEL!!!”

David: “It’s just the technique of the bully. You hit us, and then you go ‘oh, did you think I was gonna hit you???”

SOUND THE ALARM. ALAN DAVIES HAS WON THREE EPISODES IN A ROW!!!! I cannot, for the life of me, figure out exactly why this has occurred, but I’m happy it has.

Overall: An episode that continued the momentum from the Christmas show (“AAAHHHHLIIVIINNINAYELLOWSUBMARIINNNNEEE!!!”), and managed to have a really funny, well-balanced show. Graham had a very nice debut, and his humor really fits well with QI, because he’s very manic and also very good in terms of connecting. Dara had a quieter night but still had some great moments. David Mitchell’s performance tonight was an AMAZING return to form, having not been this dominant on a panel since the Film episode.

MVP: David
Best Guest: Graham
Show Winner: Alan
Best QI Fact: Da Vinci’s nephew.
Best Runner: Rodney Bewes

Nevermind Watchdown: S7E8, or With your…Channel 4 Horseracing Face?

Bit of an odd panel tonight. We have two people we’ve seen before: Dane Bowers, a member of Another Level, and Dave Gorman, a bearded comedian and world-traveller. Kate Thornton, a pretty well known TV presenter is here, as well as…David Soul, who played Hutch in Starsky and Hutch???

I have no idea how this is going to work, but I’m interested in seeing it.

Phill: “Johnny Cash, the Man in Black, but I don’t remember him from the film. I remember Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones…”

Phill: “Alan Osmond, must have gotten tired of being a mormon, now a transsexual pre-op. Is he now a boy named Sue?”
Phill, early on, is having a ball here.

Phill, again: “Did Johnny Cash shoot Alan Osmond…for the ivory?”

David: “Why don’t you be a good sport, help us out?”
Mark: “Nah, not my nature…it’d be like you solving the crime right at the beginning!”

After the Robert Smith and Divine intro clip, Sean: “How did you manage to get both Phill and my audition tapes?”

Dane, on Divine: “On Eastenders, I think that Martine McCutcheon’s let herself go a bit…”
Mark: “OOOOOHHHH! You’re in trouble with her!”
Sean: “It’s DIVINE, Dave! That’s the one Hugh Grant got the blow job off..”

After the clip of Robert Smith on Sean’s show: “At last, someone’s seen that show.”

For Phill and David’s ‘Dueling banjos’ intro, David, without warning, grabs Phill’s backside while they’re doing squealing noises, prompting a perturbed Phill to yell “OH, EASY! NOW I SEE WHY THE SHOW GOT CANCELLED!”
Mark: “This is intros, not reenactments.”
Phill: “Been taken roughly from behind by David Soul- DEAR DIARY!”

Mark, over the first two of Sean’s intros, starts singing Come on Eileen, which throws off Dave. Mark’s defense: ‘I LIKE THAT SONG!!”
Dave: “I only came here tonight to try and get David Soul’s autograph. I’ve got this magazine and everything!”

After David signs the magazine, Dave: “I bought that this morning for a fiver. It’s worth thirty quid now…”

Dave tries to grab the envelope out of Dane’s hands. Sean, in response, goes “You trying to be postmodern? With your…channel four horse-racing face??”

Dave: “I have it on good authority that that’s not his tie?”
Mark: “What is it?”
Dave: “It’s a big, pink cock. A big pink cock tie.”
Mark: “I wanted a big, pink Thai cock, but I couldn’t afford it when I was little…”

On the Flying Picketts, lined up in the video:
Dane: “Looks like the entire timeline of Doctor Who.”
Phill, a la ID Parade: “Mark, I think the lead singer of the Flying Picketts is #3…”

Next Lines:
Mark: “Something in the way she moves.”
Sean: “Makes us think she’s got one leg…”
Mark: “If you remember who that song’s by, I think we can’t really use that one…”
Sean: “Who’s it by?”
Mark: “The Beatles song, and now Paul McCartney’s going out with her…”

David, confused: “What was it? And their guns and their drums?”
Mark: “It’s quick fire, Hutch. It’s like a big car chase. None of that “I can’t get me seatbelt on…”

Overall: a MUCH BETTER episode, especially considering the talent- four people that were really into it, and each brought their own, funny things to it. Even the regulars were on tonight. Dave and Dane had a lot of funny stuff, Kate had some great little stupid moments, and David was great interacting with Mark.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Dave
Best Runner: Mark singing Come on Eileen.

Nevermind Watchdown: S7E7, or, AAAAHHH FREAKOUT!

Okay, good, we’ve got another Sean Lock episode. Always extraordinarily promising. Also, it helps that we’ve got Sporty Spice back in the house, after the great job Scary Spice did a few episodes back.

Dermot O’Leary is a DJ and TV presenter, best known for hosting the X Factor for a while back there. Paul Young was in the Q-Tips, and sang the first few lines of the Live Aid single.

Phill says that Hendrix’ face in the video looks like he’s auditioning for a German porno film. He then says that the line ‘move over, rover, let Jimi take over’, is “about how happy he was when he went on ‘My Man and His Dog’? “Come by, Hendrix”
Mark: “That could have been a credit at the end of the porn film, ‘cum by Hendrix.'”

Sean: “Is it about spontaneous canine combustion, when dog just go “WOOF”, and blow up.”
Mark: “Oh, Jesus…”
Sean: “I mean, I think that fit in quite well…”
Mark: “Not in the finished show it won’t…”

Mark: “In a recent book, Hendrix’ former girlfriend Cathy Essingham-”
(Mel coughs loudly)
Mel: “I’m sorry…”
Mark: “It’s alright…I’ve had fits over some of your records…”

During one of Phill’s jokes, someone from the back of the audience can be heard going “EEEHHHHH!!!” Mark has to stop everything, and go “HOLD ON, HAVE YOU BROUGHT IN SOME OF YOUR ESSEX MAFIA?” And then they scream even louder.

For Phill and Paul’s ‘Wonderful Tonight’ intro, Phill does the main guitar melody and Paul does the bass. Mark, after about 20 seconds, makes them switch, because “Paul’s a world class singer, and you’re you.”

Paul eventually does do the melody in the same sort of tone, and Mark has to go “HOLD ON, MY MISTAKE…”

I love how Mark just keeps bringing back Freak Out in every bit. He yells it at the beginning of one of Sean’s titles, and names one of the ID Parade ones #5, ‘AAAAHHH Freak Out.’ He’s just keeping this going.

Sean: “#2 seems like he’s in a far our place…like Lawrence of Alabia-I MEAN ARABIA!”
Mark: “LAWRENCE OF A LABIA?? That’d be a good porno…”

Overall: Another weak episode. At least Mark had Sean to quarrel with and mel to screw with, but there weren’t a lot of big moments to remember.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Sean