Nevermind Watchdown: S5E4 or How Can You Have Any Billie if you don’t eat your Meat?

HOT PATOOTIE! BLESS MY SOUL! FUCKING MEAT LOAF IS IN THE HIZZOUSE!!!

Maybe I’m enthused because I’m a member of my college’s Rocky Horror troupe, and because I very well might have Bat Out of Hell on vinyl at home, and because I still have memories at giggling at Meat when he lost his shit at Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice, but WOW. Meat Loaf is HERE. That is insane.

Billie Piper, then known as Billie, and then a teenager and a popstar, is on Sean’s team. Billie Piper is known to many-a-geek as Rose Tyler, the most infuriating and/or beloved companion to the 9th and 10th Doctors. It’s weird to see her pre-Who.

Roland Rivron is a comedian/drummer, and has worked with Jools Holland, Fry & Laurie, Neil Innes, and, well, Phill Jupitus. Nick Keynes was the bassist for boyband-that-plays-instruments Ultra.

OH, AND MEAT LOAF LAUGHS AT THE FIRST FAT JOKE OF THE NIGHT! He’s in a GOOD MOOD, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! This should be pretty fun.

Meat Loaf, after ‘Informer’
Meat Loaf: “You want us…to figure out what that man just said???”
I really hope he’s doing this and jest, and this doesn’t turn out like a Lemmy kinda thing where Meat doesn’t get the format.

Meat has an (obviously) staged bit with a phone on his desk, which he picks up into Indescipherable Lyrics. However, he picks up the phone, goes hello…and the phone keeps ringing. Phill has to tell him how to get it to open, before actually getting to the bit.

Meat’s bit is that Snow actually calls him, and gives him the lyrics. He says to Phill and Nick “play the game. I’m just gonna get the lyrics…”

Mark, knowing it’s a bit, asks Meat to hand over the phone. He goes “AY, SNOW. I’M GONNA LICK YOUR BOOM BOOM DOWN IF YOU CALL AGAIN DURING MY SHOW…”

And then, after disagreeing with Mark, Meat goes over and pecks him on the cheek in forgiveness. We have barely even started the round and Meat Loaf could be one of the most inexplicably energetic, and oddest, panelists we’ve ever had.

Mark: “Does anyone else have any other suggestions that don’t involve a big man kissing me?”
Phill, getting up: “WELL…”

Sean, on Meat: “I see him as Jack Dee’s older brother.”
and Oh my gosh.

Meat, once he sees the other team’s clip, complains that the show is rigged. Mark goes over and asks “Let me asks you something. Is your name Billie?”
“No.”
“Then you don’t get the easy questions.”

Sean: “She was Debbie Harry once, and then she changed to Deborah. Billie, will you change your name to William?”

Roland, suggesting the actual lyrics: “And his fingers part me…”
Mark: “We’ve had some technical difficulties…Billie, could you say that line?”

Meat Loaf is surprisingly good at Intros, which helps, because he’s really energetic, unlike just whistling along like a dead sock (like Lemmy)

Mark, on Meat ‘guessing his’ correctly, continues the running gag of just giving points to Billie’s team because she’s gorgeous. Which is actually a pretty good running gag.

Mark, for Phill’s second Intro, joins in “because you need three”,, and makes it even funnier than it was, by just going “AAAAHHHHHH”

Billie: “I know what it is.”
Meat: “Thank you, Billie. Thank you for knowing what it is…”
Billie: “Is it the theme from Black Beauty?”
Mark just stares at the camera in complete nonchalance for a good 10 seconds.

I do find it kind of appropriate that Phill’s last number, Holding Out for a Hero, was indeed a Jim Steinman-penned number.

Meat, to Mark: “You know…I’m beginning to think we could make a good team, here..”
Mark: “DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU LOVE ME FOREVER?”
Meat: “…but not singing…”

Next Lines: “Cry a wolf.”
Roland: “Cry a big, big wolf.”
Mark: “…This is NEXT LINES, NOT WARN THE VILLAGERS! You know what? Just end it. Just end the round.”

As the show’s ending, Mark is still laughing at Meat Loaf turning the Vindaloo lyric into a Johnny Cash song. He even goes “Who would have thought we’d end the show with me liking Meat Loaf?”

Mark’s signoff: ‘I’ve been Mark Lam-AAA-AAAR…and if loving Billie is wrong, then I don’t want to…go to prison…”

Overall: WOW. That was absolutely insane. Just on the ‘give Billie points because she’s hot’ narrative this show would be hysterical. But you also had Roland emphasizing how big the wolf has to be, Nick beaming with pride after he gets one of his own lyrics, and the man, the myth, the legend, Meat Loaf, doing a hell of a job on his only NMTB appearance. Sure, some bits were clunky, and he didn’t always come off as genuine, but by the end he seemed to be having a ton of fun.

Best Regular: Mark (I can do that now)
Best Guest: Meat Loaf
Best Runner: Billie gets all the points.

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