Nevermind Watchdown: S9E4, or I’m Gonna Finger You for the Canoe

Quick, we need a quick dose of stupidity! What’s that? All we’ve got is Toyah Wilcox? Argh, that’ll have to do.

I swear, Toyah’s appearances on the show are some of the more uncharacteristically great ones, mainly because her answers are just so odd and unstrung. Tonight should be no exception.

Steve Lamacq is a pretty popular DJ in the UK. Captain Sensible was a punk pioneer who did a very strange cover of Happy Talk. Kermit was the lead of Black Grape, not, as previously assumed, a felt frog.

The episode, once again, starts out with Sean doing a horrible impression, this time of Norman Wisdom. Man, even Phill is saying ‘My that’s horrible’ at this point…

Toyah on P. Diddy: “For the rest of the show, you can call me T. Willy.”
Mark: “Why’s that? Cause your last name is Wilcox?”
Sean: “That’d make me…S. Huggy…the impressionist extraordinaire.”
Mark: “For many years, Sean’s been Duff Paddy anyway, so…”
And then, for a brief second, Sean, in mid-sneer, turned into Craig Charles. Unbelievable.

Toyah points out Diddy’s tractor-mower in the video, and says: “Since Diddy’s moved into that neighborhood with that tractor-mower, there’s been a steady increase in drive-by shearing.”
I’ll give her credit for a really good joke, there, but she’s still bonkers.

After making a guess about the canoe question, Phill points at Mark, confidently.
Mark: “Why are you pointing at me?”
Phill: “I’m gonna finger you for the canoe…”
Mark, after a confused pause: “…can anyone think of a more unpleasant image?

Suddenly, Mark pulls out a giant framed photo of Ben, from last week. “You know, this time last week, [Ben] was sat there…if only you were here tonight, Ben…if HE said he’d finger me for the canoe…he’d have gone home in one…Ben, I’m sorry if you’re watching this…”

Phill: “Did he use the canoe as a harp…using a canoe that he’d stolen…”
Mark: “…Even Kermit’s looking at you funny now. And you know what? He’s a black man with green hair called KERMIT!”

Phill says that Bruce used the canoe to crowd surf, and tries to say how common this is, going “look, Guns N Roses have got a jet ski, and they terrorize…and Ben from A1 has a little dingy…”
Mark, cradling the frame: “Look, there’s a big dinkied man, if ever you’ve seen one…

Toyah and Sean’s third intro keeps changing melody so many times that it confuses the hell out of Steve.
Steve: “That’s not one song, that’s four or five songs…”
Mark: “That’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Shite 2001’, isn’t it?”

Mark: “According to rumor, Tom Jones immerses his manhood in Listerine after making love. Apparently it helps to maintain his potency and make sure the lady has fresh breath in the morning. That’s how I’d like to do the joke. Our lawyers have advised us to use this wording.”
Suddenly, a RED SUPER, reading LEGAL OBLIGATION, pops up under Mark.
Mark: “A LONG TIME AGO…Tom Jones cleansed his member with a name brand mouthwash…It may or may not have had a direct affect on his virility, but his lady friend had nice breath, possibly for unconnected reasons, only joking.”

Captain: “He’s got a stupid name, this artist.”
Mark, semi-ironically: “Yes, Captain.”

Mark, third intro: “You should get this one, it’s a relatively easy one.”
Kermit: “BUT THEY’RE CRAP!!”

Mark: “Badly Drawn Boy once convinced Joan Collins to star in one of his videos. She played the part of Badly Done Surgery. Only joking. LONG TIME AGO, BLAH BLAH, LEGAL LEGAL LEGAL, WELSH BLOKE’S MINTY DICK.”

Toyah, ID Parade: “#1 should be in Jesus Christ Superstar, really…”
Sean: “What, the Swedish version? Where he shags all the apostles!!”


Mark: ‘At the end of that round, Sean’s team, has 16, WHICH MEANS, PHILL, YOU NEED 17 TO WIN.”
Mark basically cracks up halfway through that, as if he can’t believe it.He comes over to them with a card, and goes “See what number the last card is?”
Phill: “Sixteen.”
Mark nods, laughing back to the seat

To sign off, Mark dedicates a tearful performances of Ben, by Michael Jackson, to a superimposed photo of Ben from A1.

Overall: Another strong episode, fueled by Toyah being wonderful, Kermit being ridiculous, Captain giving it his all and still being wrong, and an occasional good Steve line. The banter is what made this one good, between Toyah and Sean, and Phill and Mark. It was just a very fun romp.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Toyah
Best Runner: Ben.


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