Welp, thanks to the wonderful copyright people on Youtube, we’ll be ONCE AGAIN skipping the Rich Hall episode, so onto Episode 9, which features the long awaited return of Richard Fairbrass, as well as Kiki Dee, who I, and pretty much everybody, knows from ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’.
Mike Wilmot is a Comedian from Canada who’s worked with Rich Hall, so that SORT OF takes the sting out of not getting to see Episode 8. Phil Alexander was the editor-in-chief of Kerrang at the time.
Phill says that by accident he called Kiki ‘Kinky.”
Kiki: “yeah, for five minutes there…”
Mark: “It’s like a porno version of Sesame Street. ‘AND TODAY’S SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY KINKY D.’
Mike says that Usher tries to get a girl’s attention in the video by humping a tree. “He’s going ‘what do I have to do to impress this woman?”
Mark: “Well you’ve heard the phrase Tree Huggers. He just took it a step further.”
Mike: “Well, being Canadian, that’s how we get maple syrup anyway, I think…Tree penetration, that usually does it, eh? If you can put it in a tree.”
Mike says that Usher’s trying to pick one last armpit hair out of someone, using ‘POINK’ to exemplify that.
Mark: “I think poink, yeah, is probably right, onomatopoeically.”
Richard: “ONOMATOPOEICALLY? HEL-LO?”
Phill: “Was he just turned on by a big word, then? Never, ever go on Countdown. “OH, CONUNDRUM! HEL-LO!”
Richard: “I DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THAT.”
Phill: “YOU JUST DID!”
Phill points at the Billy Bragg video where he’s holding an ‘Uality’ sign up next to the Essex marker.
Kiki: “I wonder if he actually ever got to Uality?”
Sean: “Richard just went “WHAT’S UALITY??” *WE’RE* GONNA WIN TONIGHT!!!”
Mark: “Usher’s just struck up a friendship with David Beckham, which is great news for Beckham. Now he’s got a friend who can SING!”
Phil: “It’s gotta be something to do with the fact that [Posh] only eats a biscuit for lunch each day…”
Mark, deep voice: “THE VOICE OF ROCK.”
Phil: “Right, I see I’m the fall guy in this equation… [to Richard] d’you think he’s stereotyping us at all? Should we swap roles? Maybe I’ll do the camp bits and you’ll do the metal.”
Mark: “Oh, right, you’ll be the editor of Kerrang for a long time if you’re doing the camp bits…”
Phil: “What are you saying?”
Mark: “At least it might mean that some of your readers could have sex…”
Mark, off of his last comment: “It’s worked for you, Fairbrass…”
Richard: “It is true to say…that on more than one occasion I’ve been the player of a pink oboe….and I can raise a real tune on it.”
Richard: “Not for some time…”
Richard says it’s always like this when he’s on the show, and “we should just kiss and get it over with.”
Mark: “We should just kiss now.”
Richard does get up and starts going toward Mark, and someone in the audience goes “UUUUGHHH!”
Mark: “I think they meant ‘UGGH, HE’S GONNA KISS MARK!”
Mark, straight-faced, to the audience: “You can see why it’s been six series since we’ve had him back…”
Richard: “I moved house and you never got my new address…”
Sean, “pressing on”: “You can see in the video that there’s a bit where she clones herself. Is that so she can finish a meal?”
Mark, to Phil: “What do you think of Limp Bizkit”
Phil: “I think they’ve opened the door for a lot of bands-”
Sean: “THEY’RE DOORMEN NOW???”
After another lighting-tinged Kerrang gag, Mark says “I’ve gotta get this setup at home, for whenever me mum calls. I’LL TELL YOU, MUM, WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS…AND YOU WILL BUY IT!” (CRACKLE)
Mike, trying to figure out the Maneater title: “uhhh, I’LL CHEW YOU OUT!”
Mark: “YOU WILL NOT!”
Mark, echoing back to his catchphrase this ep: “NOT ON MY WATCH, SOLDIER!!”
Mike: “You can do it again, but I have no fuckin’ clue.”
Mark: “I think we might have to do it again without you shouting “I’ve got no fucking clue” in the middle.”
Mike: “No frickin’ clue…”
Mark: “You can say frickin…”
Mike: “I have no frickin’ clue…cunt.”
Mike, hearing the actual song: “I don’t think that one made it across the ocean, I think.”
Mark: “It’s an American record.”
Mike, disgusted: ‘It is?”
I geeked out for a second because Phill and Kiki started doing ‘Plug in Baby’ by Muse, because that’s one of my favorites.
Mark, to Richard: “Are you here because another quiz show in another country’s had an exchange student affair?”
Richard starts airhumping for no reason.
Mark: “HEY! DON’T EVER. NOT ON MY WATCH, SOLDIER.”
Richard: “Did it to a hamburger once…”
Mark: “WHAT? YOU SHAGGED A HAMBURGER? Cause it said you could have it with or without a gherkin?”
Sean: “Did you sing to it beforehand? “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”
And then Sean starts miming violently screwing a burger. Man, David Van Day would be proud.
Mark: “IT’S THE HAMBURGLAR!!”
Phil: ‘It’s not that old guy, is it?”
Sean: “It’s an old song, hence the shooby-dooby.”
Phil: ‘What, shooby-dooby means old, does it?”
Sean: “Well, I don’t think bloody Limp Bizkit are gonna go “MY WAY OR THE SHOOBY-DOOBY!!!”
Mark, demonically: “STRAAANGERS IN THE NIIIIIGHT.”
Sean: “SHOOBY DOOBY!!!”
In the Dance Crazes round
Phill: “#2, I don’t really care what she was doing, but I LLLLIIIKE IT! It’s the dance of looooovee…”
Mark: “Hold on a second. When did women come onto you like that?”
Phill: “That is not a ‘go away’ dance in the middle. That’s a “PHILL! OHHHHHH PHIIIIILLLL!!!”
Mark: ‘And that, to you, is the dance of love? When women are going like that to you, that’s the dance of “NNNOOOOOO!!!!” Not on my watch, soldier.”
Mark: “Bizarrely, in the late 70’s, there were persistent rumors that Steven Spielberg was interested in doing a film with the Goodies. However, as history has proved, Ralph Fiennes and Ben Kingsley were a much more logical choice for Schindler’s List.”
Phill and Mike completely lose it over this.
Mark hesitates to start Sean’s Next Lines.
Richard: “…hurry up.”
Mark: “I’m the judge of when it starts.”
Richard: “Well, oh dear…sex must be so slow with you…”
Mark: “At least with me it happens more than once every five years…”
Richard: “That’s not what it says on the bathroom wall.”
Mark: “Did you see the graffiti? There’s graffiti in the BBC bathroom that says “Mark Lamarr wears silly shoes…”
For Sean’s side, whenever they get one right, they do the lightning crackle sound. It’s actually pretty amusing.
Mark: “Little darling, it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter.”
Phill: “…oh god, dunno.”
Mark: “Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been clear. Here comes the sun, the Beatles.”
Kiki, a second later: “Here comes the sun.”
She then realizes she did it late, and redundantly, and face palms.
Mark: “It’s the echo of Kiki! I’m gonna give you a point for that.”
Mark’s signoff: “I’ve been Mark Lamarr (LIGHTNING CRACKLE) GOODNIGHT.”
Overall: Quite possibly the most top-to-bottom consistently hilarious NMTB since the Marianne Faithfull show. Too many running gags, especially featuring Richard. It just was so great to have him back. Still, even on the non-Fairbrass front, it was still hysterical, with Mike getting in some nice jokes, Phil getting some good jabs, and Kiki having a great moment at the end. Just perfect, and right up there with the Dani Filth one for the best of the season.
Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Richard
Best Runner: LIGHTNING CRACKLE