We’ve hit our fourth and final Sean Lock episode of the series, and what a run he’s had this year, completely dominating all of his episodes (even with laryngitis), and making a case for Best Guest of the series. Tonight, he’s joined by Jo Brand, who’s had a nice enough series, and David Mitchell, who’s had some really nice episodes so far.
Alright. First joke out of the gate and I’m already in love with this episode.
Stephen: “Now, tell me about the Great Disappointment.”
Jo: “Have you been talking to my husband?”
KLAXON: HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND
Jo’s look of absolute astonishment once the Klaxon comes up is pretty priceless.
Stephen talks about a cult that believed that Jesus was to return and save everyone. He even says “a man jumped off his barn, hoping that Jesus would scoop him up and save him. He didn’t.”
Alan: “Did this happen in America, by any chance?”
Stephen: “How did you guess?”
Stephen: “Who had purple triangles in Concentration Camps?”
Sean: “Was it, eh, Barney the Dinosaur??”
Stephen explains that the alternative to the rapture is being marked by the anti-christ and being stung by gigantic wasps.
David: “But, on the plus side…the price of clothing goes WAY down…”
Stephen: “Well, the rapture is imminent.”
Alan: “What, d’you mean ‘this week’?”
Stephen: “Well, oddly enough they’re not being very specific…”
Stephen talks about how all of these great leaders (Stalin, Amin, Mao, etc) are all taller than expected.
Sean: “Usually they’re not judged by their height, are they…”
Sean: “It’s probably the one thing that short people have got to cling onto. That one day…they might be a dictator. And we [with the QI answer] have just taken that away from them. All this hope.”
David: “All this ‘not being able to reach things from shelves’ one day will be made up for when I kill millions of people. I can stand on their bodies…reach the jam.”
Stephen then says that short people are, on average, paid less than tall people.
Alan: “They should rise up!”
Stephen, with the Charlemagne question, explains that each person, going backwards, has thousands and thousands of ancestors.
Sean: “My brain’s…I can’t..How could have more ancestors than there are people that’s ever been?”
Sean, absolutely dumbfounded, mimes his head exploding, and falls onto the desk.
Stephen: ‘What about parmesan? When that’s grated, what does it smell of?”
Alan gives a “ARE YOU SURE” sort of look.
Sean: “I was just thinking, David. Rather than having a sell-by date on cheese, they should just have the date that cheese becomes poisonous. And then they know when to stop eating it.”
David: “Do they know that date? Is it a global thing, TWO DAYS BEFORE THE RAPTURE?”
Sean: “Or maybe it’s the day they’ve worked out that everyone in the world’s related to Peter Andre.And they go “THAT’S THE DAY cheese becomes poisonous.”
David: ‘And people will happily eat it and die.”
Jo says that sell-by dates are a bit over-cautious, and that you could leave it out a bit longer after, “get it out the bin a few weeks later. You’ll be fine.”
Sean: “Put it down your pants, go in the sauna….take it out…obviously reshape it again…”
Jo’s reaction, of sheer disgust, is wonderful. Stephen eventually has to go “Sean…you’re not alone. There are PEOPLE here…”
David and Sean discuss the act of stealing the train, and how difficult it would be because it’s on rails. Alan eventually kamikazes this discussion and says ‘if you’ve got GROMIT in the gang…he can lay track as he’s going along…”
Earlier in the Great Train robbery topic, they discuss that the robbers spoiled everything by playing a game of monopoly (with the stolen money), and not cleaning up fingerprints. Later, Stephen discusses how they got the plan together, as the mastermind said “Look…I’m plannin’ this blag…”
Alan: “I’m planning a game of Monopoly.”
David: “I’ve just got to pick something up along the way. It’s that…I lost all the fake money, and the ONLY WAY OF REPLACING IT I can THINK OF…”
Alan: “I rung Waddington’s, they didn’t wanna know. “Get a new set”, they said. “Don’t be ridiculous”, I said…”
Stephen: “Why did it take so long for scientists to find a name for the Giant Tortoise.”
Sean: “Because Giant Tortoise was good enough?”
David, who takes a bit of time with this one: “Because they thought they were regular tortoises, but closer…”
Stephen mentions that Giant Tortoises were also edible.
David: ‘Anyone who saw one, couldn’t even stop to think of a name for it! They just HAD to eat it!”
Alan, mouth full: “THESE ONES…I’unno what they’re called…but they’re really, really good. Just call them ‘dinner.”
David: “There’s no latin name for pistachio nuts either… no one could be bothered. “SHUT UP WITH YOUR LATIN! EAT THEM!”
Alan: “No latin name for Maltesers.”
Stephen: “None of [the tortoises] made it to London!”
David: “NOW THIS TIME…WE’RE GONNA TAKE IT…we’re gonna bring it to London.”
Alan, pointing: “NO…LEAVE IT…WE’RE TAKING IT BACK…”
Sean: “Ferry coming into Dover, there’s a bloke going [lip smacking sounds]”
David: “Alright, we take nine of them…WE LEAVE EIGHT…AND ABSOLUTELY…”
Stephen: ‘And now everyone’s looking at them…”
Alan: ‘And the moment they land…they’ve got one tortoise left, and they go “we’ve got to go back, get some more…”
David: “And they’re sitting there, eating the last tortoise, going…”we are TWATS…”
Jo: “Where are they from? Are they flights?”
Stephen: “THEY ARE NOW PROTECTED! All twelve species…”
David: “If they’re that delicious, they CAN’T be. They’re probably going “yeah, they’re all in there, we’ve protected them, no need to look…”
Stephen: ‘If a giant panda does a hand-stand in front of you, what is he trying to tell you?”
Alan: “Put some money in the hat?”
Stephen: “How did Catherine the Great die.”
Sean: “She…DIDN’T have sex with a horse….she died…”
Jo: “On the commode…OH WAIT THAT WAS ELVI-”
KLAXON: ON THE LOO
I mean, Jo’s already having the weakest episode of the four, but at least she’s getting a ton of klaxons.
Stephen: “No, she did have a stroke on the commode, but-”
Alan: “Is that a euphemism for something? I’M HAVING A STROKE ON THE COMMODE!”
Stephen: “What was the lingua franca of Ancient Rome?”
Sean: “DUTCH! Because I knew that wasn’t gonna come up… See, that’s where you’ve got to think, Jo. You’ve gotta think what they WOULDN’T put up…”
Jo: “Cheers, Sean. [presses buzzer] Latin.”
Jo: ” I did that deliberately.”
Sean: ‘Yes, but you-”
Jo: “I KNOW!”
Stephen: “She’s going for the record.”
For the ‘How many men have been President” question, they play the clip from Obama’s inauguration, where he says “44 Americans have now taken the presidential oath.”….and then they klaxon the President of the United States. Oh, QI. Gotta love ya.
David wins, because he’s David. Jo loses with -46 because she’s Jo. Obama comes in 4th with -10, because QI can do that.
Overall: An early candidate for the best episode of the series, because this panel was on from the first second of the episode. It helped that people like David and Sean were giving Grade A stuff, but it brought out the absolute best in Alan, and it even gave Jo some stuff to do towards the end. Obviously the tortoise bit keeps it so high up, but the episode was circling that point the entire time.
Best Guest: Sean
Show Winner: David
Loser of the Week: Jo, for getting every klaxon in the book.
Best QI Fact: Short men.
Best Runner: Tortoises.