Nevermind Watchdown: S10E5, or Scenes from Pete Burns’ Head

…oh my…

I think we’re in for a good one. Because we have two people, one on each team, that could incite a ton of madness.

Pete Burns used to sing lead for Dead or Alive, and since then, has got a ton of plastic surgery to look feminine, which just makes him look kinda scary. Kerry McFadden was singing for Atomic Kitten in 2002, but would later go by the name…Kerry Katona, and eventually be subject to thousands and thousands of Frankie Boyle jokes.

Aside from those two, Ashley Taylor Dawson was in allSTARS, and Christian O’Connell is a radio DJ and humorist.

Mark, introing Ashley: “Ashley says he’d want Robert DeNiro to play him in the film version of his life…ASHLEY…HE’S FIFTY-EIGHT! That’s probably why he said no, is it?”

Phill: “That’s a pretty poorly-appointed drive- in cinema, in the desert there. Imagine if they were showing Lawrence of Arabia. You wouldn’t know anything was on!”

Pete guesses Bon Jovi was caught shagging someone in an ice rink, and Mark, to piss him off, drags out the ‘no’ by pondering it for a few minutes.
Mark: “Although you seemed very confident, and very smart-assed about it, you’re still wrong.”
Pete: “We’re hardly on-air for our dizzying intellect, are we?”
Mark, matter-of-factly: “…no.”

Mark reveals that Bon Jovi was actually caught trespassing at 3 am with his girlfriend.
Pete: “Same thing.”
Mark: “No, trespassing is not the same thing as sex!”
Pete: “Oh, really? What were they doing?”
Mark: “They were trespassing.”
Pete: “I’m sure, when it was reported, that he implied he was shagging.”
Mark: “All right your honor, I’ve got it wrong, but I’m gonna convince you I WAS RIGHT!”

Pete: “What was he doing?”
Pete: “Look, you’re at an ice-rink with your girlfriend when it’s closed. What are you gonna be doing?”
Pete: “BALLS.”

Mark: “Alright, let’s have a vote then, to whether you’re wrong or right.”
Pete: “I don’t care, because IN MY MIND, I’m right.”
Mark: “Well, that’s a good way of working it out then. In YOUR MIND, you get some points.”
Pete: “Fabulous…that’s GREAT. And that’s the way we’re gonna carry on with the rest of the show, because in MY MIND…I’ve already won.”
Christian: “That’s how Adam Ant got started, so you better be careful…”
Sean: “Is my car waiting outside?”
Mark, deadpan: “Well, you might as well go. You’ve won already…”

Pete: “I can’t believe, for such a lightweight answer, you’ve strung [Phill’s team] up for about 10 minutes.”
Sean: “Hey, WE’RE 15 POINTS UP! RELAX!”

Mark, who’s visibly pissed right now, goes “Now over to Sean, Pete and Christian- oh, it doesn’t matter, you’ll probably get it right.”

Sean: “He’s been reading that Yuri Geller book. He knows what’s gonna happen in the future.”
Pete: “Exactly, and backstage I bent your spoon…”
The audience even “OOOOHHH”s at this. Man, they must be having a hell of a time. This is just as entertaining as a Boy George spot.

Sean on the Hasselhoff video: “So if the car talks to him, and drives itself…how pissed off is it that it drives itself into a wall? I mean, did he put [Hasselhoff’s] CD on?”

Sean, referring to playback: “What would you like to see?”
Pete: “I’d just like to see ‘im in hospital.”

Sean, on a shot in the video where Hoff looks at the camera, alarmed: “Is that not when Pete came in the room?”
Pete: “I did, I came in with a rectal probe.”

I will say, for someone who’s very catty and troublesome on the panel, Pete is giving a ton of Grade-A responses. Closer to a Jo Brand to a Boy George, though, which isn’t too shocking.

As Phill and Ashley get up to do Intros, Ashley’s chair falls back into the well of the set, cracking up his whole panel as he goes “AND WE’VE LOST A CHAIR!”
Sean, confused: “Who d’ya think you are, ROBERT DENIRO?”
Phill, man-to-man with Ashley: “Don’t get cross, don’t be throwing furniture around…”

Kerry gets the first intro, Because I Got High, but gets the wrong phrasing of the title, and argues with Mark about it, once she gets the right phrasing. Mark tells her to chill “watch it on your anniversary, it won’t feel so bad…..if you’re still together.”
Kerry grimaces a bit after that.
Mark: “No,…I sincerely apologize for that…she’s not even married two weeks and I make that joke.”
Mark: “Luckily, where they live, no one worked it out. I apologize, though much less sincerely.”
Kerry, throwing shade: “Whatever.”
Mark: “Oooh, it’s Mariah Kerry.”

Pete’s first intro is going well, through he asks Sean to start it all over.
Mark: “It’s okay, Sean got it right IN HIS MIND.”

Pete, to Christian: “You ready? Or should we just give you the answer on a piece of paper so we don’t have to do this humiliating fiasco.”
Sean: “*I’M* ENJOYING IT!”
Pete: “Makes ya feel butch, doesn’t it?”

Christian: “I think I’ve got it.”
Mark, motioning over to pete and Sean: “HOW??? THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE!!!”

Great moment. When the Actual Groovy train track comes on, Pete starts moving Sean’s arm to when he should have came in with his guitar. However, Sean looks at Pete and pretends to feel aroused, like he’s coming onto him. It’s really amusing, between the two of them.

Pete: “I think children all over the world will go to bed tonight…learning something from us.”
Mark: “…not to watch Buzzcocks next week?”

After another second of Pete and Mark squabbling, Sean motions to one of the cameramen, saying “look, I can do camera for a bit. Would you take over?”
Mark, walking off: “Bloody good idea, Sean”, though he comes back.
The camera guy actually joins Pete onstage, and Sean takes controls of his camera. Sean’s feed is actually pretty funny, too.

Pete: “#5 looks like he was in Mud, so it can’t be him…”
Mark: “In your mind, you made a funnier joke. “That wasn’t funny.” “Yes it was.” “So put it in.”

Pete, arguing an answer: “Sometimes you’re so wrong you’re right.”
Mark: “No, sometimes you’re so wrong, you’re very…very wrong.”

Next Lines:
Mark: “When you’re alone, and life is making you homely you can always go…”
Phill: “Kill yourself.”
Mark: “I’ll give you that. It was really Downtown, by Petula Clark, but you were so wrong, you were right.”

Now, for Phill’s team, Mark keeps giving them the answers so Pete doesn’t have to win. He shows them the card, gives Phill a point for being funny.

Kerry gets an Atomic Kitten one right.
Mark: “Did you write that one?”
Kerry: “No.”
Mark: “Bonus point for not writing it.”

Mark, still hammering on the Pete’s head thing, signs off with “I’ve been Mark Lamarr-NO I HAVEN’T-YES I HAVE-I HAVE NOT!”

Overall: Man, what is it about huge personalities that make great shows. First the Marianne Faithfull show, then the Dani Filth show, then last series’ Fairbrass show, and NOW THIS COLOSSAL HIT! Seriously, not only were all four on, but there were enough running gags to keep it afloat throughout its entire duration. No weak spots like in the Fairbrass show. It helped that Christian, Ashley and Kerry were also really fun, and that Sean and Mark were really keeping the Pete slams going. But WOW…that may be the series highlight so far.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Pete
Best Runner: In Pete’s head.



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