Nevermind Watchdown: S13E2 or I’m King of the Bears

I was crushed. Dejected. Annihilated. ‘I say annihilated…’

I was so excited to pull up episode one. Not only was Huey Morgan there, not only was it the return of Louise, but Dick Valentine from Electric Six was guesting, which is kind of a big deal. So I go to search it up, and nobody on Youtube has it. I was pissed.

Thankfully there’s enough in Series 13 for me to keep soldiering on, and we might as well continue to Episode 2. This one features Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten, as well as Har Mar Superstar, an American singer-songwriter with many alter-egos, who is spending the show mostly naked. Raul Malo fronted The Mavericks. Mark Richardson drummed for Skunk Anansie and later for Feeder.

Mark opens the episode with a crystal ball, saying “let’s see what the future holds for us…ah, I see…half an hour of bitter disappointment in store.”
There’s mild laughter, which he notes, and goes “and some dubbed laughter from the sounds of things…”

Phill, on whether a complete bush shave means ‘Moby’ or ‘Stipe’, to HarMar: “Which one of those would you ask for?”
HarMar: “I would probably ask for a Moby over a Stipe, but that’s just because of the face he’s making there.”
Mark: “I don’t think you’d want your downstairs looking like any of those anyhow…”

Phill: “They look like suspects on the news. The only two photos that you get…”
Mark: “HOLD ON…One’s got swan’s wings. Why would you put up a picture? You say ‘he’s a bloke with swan’s wings.’ You wouldn’t NEED a picture.”
Phill: “……”
Mark: “Are you living in Ancient Greece again?”
Phill: “Take it where you can find it…”ZEUS! Why here you are again!”
Mark: “TAKE *WHAT* Where you can find it? Have you been watching that swan porn channel?”
Bill: “Nine and a half beaks, I’ve seen that.”
Mark just face palms, then, sarcastically, he goes: “I’m not sure if this studio is insured for this level of hilarity.”

Phill, when Ron Jeremy appears in the Moby video, says he’s “someone who appears to be HarMar’s dad.”
HarMar: “And it’s embarrassing…what’s dad photocopying? I don’t think his hands are holding up the lid, either…”

Phill, in the REM video, sees the old philosophers, and says “there’s the Mavericks in 40 years time.”
Raul just cracks up at that.

Mark reveals the real answer is a Moby, continuing that women “realizing, if they don’t get a Moby, they’ll end up with a Bill Bailey.”
Bill looks nearly heartbroken.
Mark: “Or as they call it in America, a Billy Goat Muff.”
Jeez, Mark is no longer holding back at Bill.
Mark: “Of course if a Moby goes wrong, you end up with a Ruby Wax, which means you can’t shut your lips.”

Mark: “On his last tour, Eminem had a whole stage routine where he’d murder Moby. Whereas on their last tour, Atomic Kitten had a whole stage routine where they’d murder a Blondie song.”
Liz just sits back in response to that. Eventually she goes “I’m just smilin’…”

Liz: “I trashed a hotel room once?”
Bill: “Did you?”
Liz: “I did, but then I tidied it back up again cause I thought i’d get into trouble…That’s the God’s honest truth, I did.”
Bill: I once took the plug off a trouser press once. Put on the different fuse on it.”
Mark: “I STAYED IN THAT ROOM YOU BASTARD! I was wrinkled for days!”
Bill: “It was operated WAY BEYOND the suggested voltage.”

Bill, on the LARGE LETTER T on Cassidy’s plane: “There’s been a bit of a communication cockup. He said ‘I’ll have a large black tea on the plane…’
Mark just collapses onto the desk. “Jesus…It’s like watching Radio 4. ‘Obviously he’d ASKED for a large black tea…'”

Mark, on a standing shirtless HarMar: “Show 2 and we’ve already run out of our clothing budget.”

Then, when HarMar actually gets up, Mark goes “STOP. HarMar time.”
Phill seems to get the most kick out of that one.

I’m 3 for 3 on Intros so far. The Snoop, Chicago and Coldplay ones are so accessible that they’re kinda easy. Sad Raul didn’t get the Snoop one though.

Mark R, for the Coldplay intro, keeps missing entirely. He guesses everything from ELP to Garth Brooks. Once he realizes it was Coldplay, and the song plays, Mark R collapses onto the desk, and says to Bill: “I only toured with them for four months…”
Bill, in response, walks off the set. Phill is howling with laughter, as he is most of the show.

Mark: “Before Chris Martin met Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay had a strict no-girlfriends rule. I say rule. Coincidence.”

Raul, as the chained Howard Jones mimes come out: ‘Alright, I’m officially creeped out now.”
Mark: “It’s taken this long??”

Phill: “#2’s in really good shape.”
Mark: “Yeah, #2 could have been in Gladiator, couldn’t he?”
Phill: “Aw, yeah. Awww…”
Phill: “Ever so slightly gayly, apparently…what a terrible time to have your gay awakening- in the middle of a pop quiz.”
Mark: “Should we out you now?”
Phill: “Might as well…”
Mark, back to the crystal ball: “I see a lot of empty gay clubs in London…”

Phill: “One guy told me, because there is a genre of gay fun-ness for fat guys with facial hair, and this one bloke went up to me and goes “oh, you’re very popular in this particular pub”, and I go “no, you’re joking,” and he went “OH, YOU ARE! QUEEN OF THE BEARS!”
Mark: “All-you-can-eat Puffy.”

Mark: “I just want to dance the night away.”
Raul, recognizing the lyrics: “The senoritas…I can pay…”

Mark: “You ain’t keeping me up all night no more.”
Liz: “OH! That’s an atomic kitten song!”
Mark: “…yeah.”
Liz: “…erm….”
Mark cracks his knuckles, waiting for her. He then goes back to the crystal ball: “I SEE A RUNNING JOKE FOR MANY YEARS…”

Mark: “He’s got a brand new car…Feeder song…”
Mark R: “Oh yeah, that one….that Buck Rogers one…”
Mark: “It’s called Buck Rogers, yeah.”
Mark R: “I don’t listen to his words, I just play drums.”
Bill: “What, are you just goin’ ‘LALALALALALALALA…”
Mark, crystal ball: “I see someone taking the heat off Liz…”

Mark: “I’m Coming Out. In fact, d’you wanna read this one Phill.”
Phill: “‘I’m Comin’ Out.'”

Overall: Awesome show, with a great panel, and a huge amount of running gags, from ‘poking an old man’s wound’, to Phill Jupitus, King of the Bears, to Liz AND Mark forgetting their own lyrics, to the crystal ball, to HarMar being ridiculous, to Mark not realizing a song from a band HE’S TOURED WITH. So much to love her, great way to break into Series 13, THOUGH NOT AS GOOD AS EPISODE 1 WOULD BE IF I COULD SEE IT!

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: HarMar
Best Runner: Crystal Ball


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