Nevermind Watchdown: S13E9, or Next Year YOU can book him for your Christmas Party!

Man, it feels like Episode 1 was only yesterday. Ah, well. Series 13 has come to a close, and it’s a fall series, which means “IIIIIIIIT’S CHHHHRIIIISTMAAAAASSSS!”

The few familiar players here are Sabrina Washington, a Mis-Teeq member, and the wonderfully adorable DJ Sammy. Also, Gloria Hunniford is an Angela Rippon type, a TV-personality and singer. Alison Goldfrapp is a singer with ‘experimental techno duo’ Goldfrapp.

The ‘Sammy is adorable’ runner continues tonight, as Mark promises to give Sammy a chocolate button every time Sammy does something that makes him like him.

Sammy then proceeds to do an outstanding (“ly piss poor”) magic trick, involving an inflatable pistol. Mark then goes “next year you can book him for your Christmas party…”

After the increasingly frog-like M-People video, Mark goes “that was M-People with testicles- I MEAN TESTIFY!”

Then Mark starts doing the frog impression after the M-People options. By the end, he even remarks “I’ve gone from M-People to Mr. Bean!”

Mark: “If only we could make Alison cheer up. What’s your favorite song, i’ll so it as Heather Small.”
Alison: “We’ve only just begun, the Carpenters.”
Mark, Heather voice: “Em yum ne us be BYAAAAAAAHHHRR…”
He keeps going, and eventually Bill and Gloria start going “uh, Mark.”

Gloria: “Also, have you noticed that Bill has a certain Jesus quality about him for Christmas?”
Mark: “I’d rather it was Easter.”
Oooh. Great joke there.

For Intros, the two givers have to give the intro while on DDR boards, which could be hysterical. Just the sight of Sammy and Phill humming songs while on DDR boards ia one of the most amusing, and ridiculous, things I’ve seen on this show in years.

A lot of these have to be seen to be believed, especially Bill yelling notes at Gloria whilst failing miserably at dancing. May not be a lot to type, but it’s still hysterical.

Mark has animated, sung names for all of the Ray Beavis ID Parade.
#3- He does the full Eminem rap, and ends with forget about…Ray.”

Alison: “Isn’t #3 a comedian?”
Mark: “Oh, please, there are no comedians on this show.”

Sammy, animatedly: “GUYS…HONESTLY…I HAVE *NO CLUE*.”
Most of the panel cracks up at this.

On the five trench coated Ernie ID Parade:
Gloria: “Actually, they all look like they’re here to take Sammy back to Spain.”

Like last year’s Xmas show, a choir sings all the Next Lines, and they have to sing back. However, unlike last year, they’re more contemporary classics. The first one they sing is Beastie Boys.

And then, Phill and Sammy and the choir go back and forth on ‘Bohemian Rhapdody’, which is one of the funniest things because Phill’s yelling them, Sammy knows all the words, and Alison sort of knows it and mouths every few words.

Mark tells them to do the last one, which he’s “so looking forward to”. He cues them up, and Sammy just does a “wah wah waahhhhhh” noise, which cracks the choir up before they go into the KLF’s “Justified and Ancient”, which cracked me, Phill, and ESPECIALLY MARK up. Mark is literally dying as a choir is straight-faced singing the KLF.

Bill’s choir goes for Nelly’s Hot in Herre, and Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’. The former Bill’s entire panel sings in unison. The latter Mark takes over and completely rocks out to. What is it about season finales that bring out the rapper in Mark?

Once again, as the choir does “Ever Fall in Love” by the Buzzcocks, you can hear Mark, out of shot, struggling to compose himself, and literally crying. Then, when it’s the panel’s turn to sing, Bill and Mark start the most melodic, operatic version of that chorus that’s ever been recorded.

Overall: What began as a very weak competitor to last year’s Christmas special ended with one of the funniest rounds of Next Lines in some time, featuring everyone giving it their all, and the choir doing a bang-up job too. I didn’t write down a lot of parts, because a lot was physical, subtle bits, that couldn’t really be written down. This show was about Sammy and Gloria’s bits, as both were having an amazing amount of fun. The other two were quieter, even with Claudia’s wig argument with Mark. Still, a spectacular ending, and enough great moments to make me glad I watched.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Sammy
Best Runner: Heather Small voice.


Best Episode: Episode 8, featuring Simon Amstell mowing them down, Kym Marsh, Bill as an unwanted hitchhiker on a father-son road trip, and a welcome return for Athelston Williams.
2nd Best Episode: Episode 1, featuring Alexei Sayle yelling names of countries for a laugh, Huey Morgan being stoned out of his mind and giving away Bill’s ID Parade, Dick Valentine being Dick Valentine, and tons and tons of David Gest slams.
Worst Episode: Episode 6. Just the thinnest in terms of quality, but damn if Vic Henley didn’t try.
Best Regular: Again, Mark Lamarr, because his character was fully in-place, and he was ANGRY this year.
Best Musician Guest: Megaman (Episode 3), for having fun and putting up with some Mark slams.Matt Hales (Episode 7) came close.
Best Comedian Guest: Simon Amstell, Episode 8. He was on fire that night.
Most Confused Guest: Normally I’d reserve this for someone who seemed really out of their element, or just didn’t want to be on the show. However, Huey Morgan, in Episode 1, was just really, really crossfaded. So…here he goes.
Best Dartboard for Mark: Megaman again.
Best Runner: Josie D’Arby’s inability to recite a cow’s noise on cue.


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