And now…what may be the finest 30 minutes in Nevermind the Buzzcocks history.
I’m not going to give anything away. I just know that the latter half of this episode is stuff of NMTB legend.
In terms of cast, you wouldn’t have known it. Dave Fulton, last seen head banging with Bill and Sebastian Bach, is back. Terry Hall, who Mark was prone to make fun of with a simple “AAA-AAHHH” is also back. Kwame, meanwhile, was in Fame Academy, and Brandon Block’s another DJ, this one specializing in Ibiza gigs.
The series begins exactly as Series 13 left off, with Mark still holding that incredibly long trumpet note. He stops, panting out of breath.
Phill: “Terry’s met Bono.”
Mark: “You have? Isn’t he a bit dull?”
Terry: “I always thought he was a twat before i met him.”
With nothing to follow that sentence, he takes a drink.
Mark: “Man, that Perry Farrell is an ugly man. He’s got the look of his face being pressed up against glass without actually doing it.”
Phill: “Perfect example as to why never to have your photo taken at Turkish customs.”
Bill: “I don’t have anything up THERE!”
Kwame: “I like Will’s pose! What’d you think?”
Brandon: “He’s just come OUT of Turkish customs…’phew, that was close…'”
On the SOLAR POWER sign in the Jane’s Addiction video:
Kwame: “I heard that this video was banned for sending a message to terrorists.”
Bill: “What, ‘stop using proper power and get solar power’?”
Mark: “I mean, presumably he was doing a rude gesture.”
Bill: “What, d’you mean like this?” [he does this clawing gesture]
Mark: “That’s not rude.”
Bill: “It is in the badger world!”
Mark: “Is there anything outside the animal kingdom that interests you?”
Bill: “Yes. You, bearing the kiss of the Karducian Leach.”
After Phill and Dave’s atrocious 2nd intro
Terry: “It felt like an outro. It was an intro that felt like an outro, know what I mean?”
Mark: “It felt like a series not being recommissioned, that’s for sure…”
Brandon: “I thought it was Showaddywaddy.”
Mark: “Just by looking at [Dave]? Can you imagine Dave in Showaddywaddy? ‘Let’s go for a little walk’-“NOOOOOO!”
Dave: “It’s not my fault that your crappy songs didn’t make it over to the US all the time..”
Mark: “Yeah, the British, we’ve been generally rubbish at the music business, over the years- *BEATLES! STONES! PISTOLS!* Yeah, we didn’t have Achy Breaky Heart, I’m sorry…”
Bill: “I’m sorry, you said ‘Beatles, Stones, Pistols.’ All items in my shed.
Mark dresses Phill’s panel down…and then realizes he was reading the wrong card all along. He then goes “Brandon, it’s gonna be easy for you to guess this later on…”
Mark: “No, it was actually Killer, by Adamsky..”
Dave, knowing what was on the card: “NO IT WASN’T!”
Mark, realized he’s made the exact same mistake again: “Oh, alright.”
Then he just whispers over at Brandon: “KILLER, BY ADAMSKY.”
Mark: “Bill and Kwame, here are yours to do towards Brandon.”
Bill, having already seen Brandon write down both wrong intros: “Phwoar! FINGERS CROSSED!”
And then when Mark does Intros for Bill’s team, who already knows both the answers. It’s ridiculous, because Brandon has to pretend he doesn’t know, and Kwame has to disguise the guitar parts.
Okay, here we go. Phill’s ID Parade is ‘Sailor’. This is what it looks like.
Mark gives the lineup sail-related names. #2 is ‘Shipman’.
#3 is ‘Harold Shipman’. It should be noted that #3’s Scooby-Doo-villain-esque expression always cracks me up here.
#5, who’ll go onto become Al the Pirate, is “Adam Ant’s let himself go, hasn’t he?”
Phill: “Isn’t #2 a Cockney Barrel boy from Mary Poppins?”
Dave: “He’s a Portugese fisherman, in’t he?”
Mark: “He looks a little Greek resistance, doesn’t he? I DON’T MEAN THAT… ‘GET AWAY'”
Dave: “You know, if you’d just relax, you wouldn’t have to resist.”
Dave: “I keep waiting for #5 to punch my ticket to get on the ride at Pirates of the Caribbean.”
Terry: “I just bought a Sailor album 3 months ago, so I know who it is, so we can cut the…”
Phill, “Cut to the chase with Terry? Cool!”
Mark: “You see, even when he knows the answer, HE WON’T TELL ME!”
Terry decides it’s #2.
Dave: “I think #5’s arm’s getting tired, so you better come up with something.”
Mark, cracking up: “You know what? Let’s see how long he can hold that pose for…”
Mark then gets Phill’s entire panel to get up, and face #5, staring him out until he drops the sword. So, sure enough…
Mark: “HE’S TRYING TO INTIMIDATE US!”
Mark notes that the more they lean in, #5 leans in as well.
Mark: “It’s like when you get a crappy Christmas toy and the batteries start running out…”
Mark: “We’re young, fit and healthy…apart from Terry. We can keep this up longer than you…”
#5 shifts his expression to this, like a ‘…really?’. PHILL’S WHOLE PANEL LOSES IT. Mark is completely gone.
Mark, to Dave: “DON’T BE SCARED! HE’S NOT REALLY A BUCCANEER!”
The best part of this is just how giggly and how much fun Mark’s having. He just notices Bill, and says he looks good when he’s off camera, then goes right back into it and says “RIGHT…ATTACK!” He’s never been this loose, and this fun, in the history of the show.
Mark: “It’s become such a grudge match! Like…”YOU’LL NEVER BEAT ME, LAMARR! IF I HAVE TO KILL ALL YE AND MAKE YE WALK THE PLANK! I SHALL HOLD THIS PLASTIC SWORD ALOFT, ON THY POP QUIZ!”
Eventually #5 does indeed drop his sword, coerced by Dave and Phill (“easy, easy…” “let it drop to the floor!”)
Mark, after they get back to their seats: “So…who d’you think it is?”
Dave: “I forgot! What band is this?”
Phill: “Terry, did you know?”
Terry, stonefaced: “#5.”
Next Lines: “Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?”
Kwame: “Top Cat!”
Mark: “Are you serious?”
Kwame: “You guys, did I think it was real?”
Mark: “Kwame, [starts humming], THE INDISPUTABLE, LEADER OF THE GAAAANNG!”
Mark: “We plow the fields and scatter, the good seed on the land.”
Bill: “The good seed on the LAND, FOR WEEE ARE FARMERS!”
Mark just throws a card at him.
For the rest of the round, Mark just goes over by Bill with the cards, threatening.
Mark: “Solitary brother.”
Bill, out of spite: “Solitary brother, solitary…WEASEL!”
Mark hits him on the head with a card repeatedly, yelling “I KNEW IT WOULD COME IN HANDY!!!”
He ends up doing the “PETE TOWNSEND BEATING! PEEOPLE TRYYYY TO PUT US DOWN!” and he does the windmill, still hitting Bill.
Mark: “Ben, the two of us need look no more.”
Kwame: “We both found what we WERE LOOKING FOR.”
Bill: “IN THE BURROW!”
Mark: “I don’t wanna rock DJ.”
Bill: “I’d like a small-”
Mark starts hitting him with a card.
Bill: “WITH A RIVERBANK! A RIVERBANK!”
Mark hits him in the head.
Bill: “FOR THAT IS MY NATURAL HABITAT!”
Mark: “RIGHT, PAPERCUT!”
Bill, while getting a forehead paper cut: “AAAHHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!”
The buzzer sounds, Mark, sadistically, looks at Bill and goes ‘YER TIME’S UP, LUV.’
Mark then points to Phill’s team, and goes “If you win…I’m gonna give them some more. In FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT? SAY WHAT YOU WANT!”
Mark returns to his post above Bill.
Mark: “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man.”
Phill: “Uuhuhuhuh, Weasels!”
Mark: “STUPID, STUPID MAN!”
Mark: “All I wanna do is have some fun.”
Phill: “Badgers, dressed up as-”
Mark: “DOWN THE PANTS! DOWN THE PANTS!”
A second after being butt-maced, Bill gets a brainstorm: ‘Sheryl CROW, you see, AN ANIMAL!”
Mark: “Not the first time you pulled a crow out your pants, is it?”
Mark, pacing back to his desk: “It’s alright…it’s alright…it’s alright.”
Mark, to Bill: “WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
Bill: ‘I said [lip smacking]”
Mark: “THAT WAS WORSE THAN WHAT YOU SAID!”
Mark goes back to hitting.
Mark: “Horsey horsey, don’t you stop.”
Mark: ‘AH, YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT ONE!”
Mark, after the round ends: “A shame, cause the next one was by Seal.”
Mark, summing up the episode: “You still managed to lose, but it probably has saved [Bill] internal bleeding.”
Overall: WHOA. That may be one for the pantheon. Even before the momentum began in ID Parade, this show had a lot going for it, from Dave and Terry talking about Bono, to Mark reading the wrong card, to Terry being generally moody, to Dave arguing with Mark about Britain. But then the pirate showed up, and it became absolutely golden. That entire segment of ID Parade, plus ALL OF NEXT LINES, was so insanely funny that it has to be seen to be believed. So many funny things, aside from what I’ve written down, occurred over the course of this show. I don’t know if the Mark era ever reached this high again.
Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Terry