Four people who’ve never been on Buzzcocks before, but I do know one of them from Mock the Week, so at least we’re on semi-familiar waters.
Chinyere is an R&B singer managed by Simon ‘from Blue’. Kenzie’s a rapper and Celebrity Big Brother star. DJ Spoony is a DJ and remixer. Lucy Porter, who I’ve seen on MTW, is a comedian. I don’t remember a ton of her stuff, but I remember her being very fun.
Mark: “So there is actually a genuine connection between RUN-DMC and John Lennon.”
Bill: “Right, so…I’m assuming it’s not the obvious thing of the shooting, then. We’ve established that.”
Mark: “No, that is the connection, I mean you got it really quickly. Wouldn’t that be poor? ‘They’re both dead!’ Right, you’ve [Phill’s team] got Judy Garland and Elvis.”
Lucy talks about being licked by a hobo on the bus. She says “he just went up and licked me on the cheek-”
Mark: “Oh, he licked your FACE… It would have been awful if he licked you and went EEUUURGGHH!”
Halfway through more deliberation, Mark just walks over to Lucy and licks her face. He then sits back down and goes “I see his point.”
Mark: “Lucy…you can wipe your face. At least now you don’t need your flu shots this winter.”
Lucy: “I might get herpes though…”
There’s a great runner where Mark just continues to make fun of the Blazin Squad and their ridiculous names. They always cut back to Kenzie, who’s dying laughing.
Mark lets it slip that Kenzie is dating Jodie Marsh (by going over to Spoony and loudly whispering in his ear “JODIE MARSH”). He says that Jodie likes to put in her column that she enjoys sticking her thumb up her boyfriend’s ass. Phill then demonstrates this, like a puppeteer. At this point, Kenzie is in a mix of laughing and squirming. He even goes “please…leave me alone…”
Mark: “What sort of music do you like, Lucy?”
Lucy: “I like Country-Western music.”
Bill: “Oh dear.”
As he’s warming up for Intros, Bill is caught singing, to himself yet aloud, ‘and THAT’S WHY THE LADY…SMELLS OF TRAMP!”
Lucy, of course, cracks up.
During one of the Intros, Spoony makes a loud “AAAAHH”, which Lucy says is “some sort of bird noise.”
Spoony: “Or someone sticking their thumb…”
(Kenzie’s already bracing for it)
Lucy: “It’s Kenzie and Jodie, it’s their Christmas single.”
Kenzie, before intros: “I’ll give it ago”
Phill, sticking both thumbs up: “THAT’S THE SPIRIT!”
Mark: “Is that why the Fonz used to go “ohhhhh…” (sticks up both thumbs)
Mark: “Kenzie, if we do a Blazing Squad one, will you get it?”
Kenzie, blunt: “probably not…”
After an Intro he didn’t get, Kenzie: “A bit more modern, d’ya think?”
Mark, cracking up: “The next one is from 1964.”
This is classic. Kenzie’s 2nd intro is House of the Rising Sun, by the Animals. He obviously doesn’t know, and he asks for it ‘faster’. So, they do it a bit faster. And Mark, because he KNOWS Kenzie doesn’t know, starts singing the lyrics, passionately, loudly. Kenzie, still having no idea what the song is, loves it.
As the verse concludes, with Kenzie pounding along, Mark just looks at the camera and goes, shruggingly, “he doesn’t know.”
This is a very important ID Parade, as it’s one of the last few Athelston appearances. He’s among a very colorful-shirted lineup, too.
#2, introduced as ‘Joan River’, looks like he’s nodded off, so the panel spends a good 2 minutes trying to wake him up.
Mark: “Presumably the bloke was fast asleep and he thought…”must get to lineup…for Danny Williams…”
#4, Athelston, ‘Old Man River’. He’s just looking, kind of shaken, at the camera, nowhere near the dark-goggled staring of late. So Mark just goes “Come on Athelston, give us a better stare than that…”
Kenzie: “Has #4 been here before?”
Mark: “Most weeks. Actually, whenever we have black people in the lineup, Athelston comes in. But I think he was in once in the Nolans. I’m pretty sure he was, IS THAT RIGHT ATHLESTON?”
Mark: “That’s a yes.”
Chinyere: “I think #1 looks pretty convincing-”
Mark: “But wouldn’t it be great after all these years, if it was #4? He never mentioned it to us before…”
Kenzie, who is adamant that it’s not 4, gets a bonus point from Mark every time he says it’s not #4, however he doesn’t realize this, and gets Chinyere to say it again. Man, Mark is having a field day with this guy.
Next Lines: “Can we have this one for Kenzie? There is a house in New Orleans.”
Kenzie’s head just sinks.
Kenzie: “Wh-what year?”
Mark: “It only takes a minute, girl.”
Kenzie just gets up and leaves
Mark: “I’ve noticed you around, I find you very attractive.”
Lucy: “Can I stick my thumb up your ass?”
Mark: “HEY, I’M NOT A SLAG! Lick me face first!”
Overall: Oh, sweet merciful christ that was a knockout. Mark, between Lucy getting licked by a tramp and Kenzie being…Kenzie, was having an absolute ball. Plus, everybody on both sides was getting in on the Kenzie-bashing. Yet, through all this, Kenzie was having so much fun, and took it all in stride. ID Parade was fantastic, the entire Intros with Kenzie was a classic, and Lucy was slinging great material.
Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Lucy
Best Runner: Thumb up his ass.