Simon opens this one with a letter, which perfectly sums up his tenure on the show: “I did very much enjoy the show last week, however I did find the guests to be of a fairly low standard. A has been TV presenter, an 80’s pop star dug up from the grave, someone from a band who’s desperately trying to go solo, and some comedian I’ve never heard of? I do hope this doesn’t continue.”
He looks at the camera, smiles, and goes “Well, tonight I think you’re in for quite a surprise!”
Aside from Paul Young, who’s back, Vanessa Feltz was evidently a pretty ubiquitous TV presenter in 2006. Matt Willis was in Busted, and was going solo in 2006. Now he’s an actor and presenter. Will Smith is a comedian and not, as Simon and co. previously thought, the star of Men in Black.
Simon: “Vanessa, you’ve got a new show, haven’t you?”
Vanessa: “Yes, it’s on ITV. It’s called Vanessa’s Real Lives.”
Simon: “oh. Real this time??”
Maybe it’s the panel, but not a ton’s going on so far. Vanessa was supposed to be the focal point here, but she’s more annoying than relatable. Halfway through and not a ton to report about.
Bill, reading the intro card, groaning: “Ah, yes…sanctimonious little tosser here, isn’t he?”
Will: “Chris DeBurgh?”
Matt, ID Parade: “I think it’s #2, because the rest of them have obviously been hired and they’re not laughing, and she’s pissing herself. It’s been 7 years since it was out, she must have been 23, 24. You’re a lot older than you look!”
Vanessa: “Wouldn’t this be a good time to bring up his normal, chivalrous habits with women, cause he’s got a bit of a mouth on him, doesn’t he??I know he’s called this beautiful woman old.”
Matt: “I WAS BEING NICE!”
Simon, knowing he’s not gonna be heard: “he was being nice…”
Phill, talk show announcer voice: ‘TONIGHT. ON PHILL! WHEN TEAM MEMBERS BICKER!
Phill, doing a Jerry Springer impression, asks Matt if he has a rebuttal.
Vanessa: “…look at me!”
Matt: “I’m scared to.”
Phill: “The lady from Sash, I believe, we were looking for…made herself apparent extraordinarily early.”
Simon, faux-surprised: “So you’re saying #2??”
Phill: “NUMBER TWO WAS IN SASH.”
Simon: ‘Should we see? Will the real Tina Cousins please make herself known.”
Simon, reading the ‘what she’s up to now’ card: “Still very much in the business…oh, no, that’s not right…”
#2 flips him off.
Simon, next lines: “Every day will break, but another comes along.”
Matt: “Oh, this is my song…..oh SHIT!”
Overall: Definitely picked up as it went along, but too little too late. Paul Young was having a great time, Vanessa was a bit annoying but cooled down, and Matt had some fun moments. Didn’t adore Will though
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Paul
Best Runner: Simon vs. Vanessa