Man, that was a really sad episode back there. We need 12cc’s of Barrowman, STAT!
The two guys I’ve heard of here are Robin Ince, who’s a colleague of Brian Cox’s who’s been on Mock the Week, and John Motherfucking Barrowman, of Doctor Who, Torchwood, and every gay man’s dreams. Hell, Simon even intros him as “and PRACTICING HOMOSEXUAL, JOHN BARROWMAN!” And the audience goes wild.
Kelli Young’s in girl group Liberty X. Daniel Bedingfield’s a New Zealand popstar and brother of much more well known singer Natasha Bedingfield.
Simon’s 3rd option for the Sugarbabes Sorry No Refunds is ‘they were banned after Churches considered their music to be ungodly.”
Bill: “Ungodly? Are they not specific about that?”
Simon: “I guess all the wiggling of vaginas or something”
John: “Hold on a sec- does a vagina WIGGLE? Not that I’ve ever seen one, but…please inform me.”
Simon: “…I’m not an expert…”
Phill: “There’s nothing quite like the riveting TV stylings of two homosexuals discussing fannies, is there??”
Simon: “You are a man of many talents.”
John: “slightly getting worried here, but go on…”
Simon: “I saw you on that How do you solve a problem like Maria program. You were giving an acting lesson.”
John: “Would you like me to give you one?”
John here looks like a combination between Tom Cruise and Chip Esten from Whose Line. Which means…I can see where Simon’s coming from.
Simon eventually plays a clip of John kissing various women as part of this acting lesson.
Simon: “You’re disgusting…”
John: “…someone’s gotta be…”
Simon: “How d’you solve a problem like syphilis?”
Simon: “That was Status Quo, but why did they have to cancel a UK tour date in 2002?”
Robin: “Public Demand! Oh, sorry…”
Yeah, this guy’s got the right idea.
Daniel, on the tea-cart in the Status Quo video: “do you think that is a little…steam powered dildo with little chocolate and toffee apples on the side?”
Phill: “A steam powered dildo? Oh, when I’m pleasuring myself, I have to do it in a victorian style. Where’s my coal, James? Stephenson’s rabbit!”
After Daniel reveals he recorded some of his album in the nude.
Phill: “On the tracks where there are erroneous notes, it could just be his old fella flapping’ against the keyboard.”
Phill then demonstrates how, on the piano, he can do a flawless chord on one end of the piano…and then hit a lower note with the knob.
Simon: “That’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen.”
Bill eventually gives John the Nirvana title, which he ends up stealing to get the point. John, in response, in the gayest voice possible, goes “talk to the hand, cause the wrist is pissed…”
Simon: “YOU HAVE OUTGAYED ME, BARROWMAN!”
John: “LET’S HAVE A GAY-OFF! Ready? Lips pursed, hands on the table, AND GO!”
Simon: “…I haven’t even told my mum yet…”
Robin’s having trouble guessing Phill and Daniel’s first intro when John starts buzzing in from across the stage.
Robin: “NNONO, I didn’t do that when you made the right balls-up on the Nirvana thing. I could have been all artistic and went “ACTUALLY, THAT BASSLINE WAS BY KILLING JOKE’, but I DIDN’T, DID I?? Barrowman, I- I DON’T EVEN THINK YOU *ARE* GAY, BARROWMAN! All this pretending, and all the “OH, don’t worry girls, I’m gay, now I’m gonna kiss you and fondle my stuff!” It’s disgusting! What would Barrowman know? Oh…LULU! IT’S LULU THEN!”
Simon, after intros: “…we had a gay man guessing Kylie and we had a black woman guess Bob Marley. We’re doing nothing to subvert expectations!”
Bill: “Flava Flav…must have been involved in some gun crime-”
Kelli: “Are you just saying that cause he’s a rapper?”
Bill: “Yes…or was it he rustled a load of cattle?”
Simon right at the start of Next Lines, goes “I feel like we haven’t created any tension. Like, who’s gonna win? Let’s ask the audience. BILL’S TEAM???”
Simon: “PHILL’S TEAM!!”
(audience kind of groans. Shot of Phill taken aback)
Simon: “Sorry, I didn’t know that was gonna happen.”
Bill: “You created tension…”
Robin: “TENSION, not HATE!”
Simon: ‘He rocks in the tree-tops all day long”
Phill: “Ah, fuck ’em. No.”
(First ever unbleeped F-Bomb on Buzzcocks)
Simon, about to start Bill’s Next Lines: “They’ve got 13, you’ve got 2….remember the audience is on your side…”
Simon: “High on a hill lived a lonely goat heard”
John: “(Yodels.) ”
Simon: “Correct, the sound of music”
John: “High on a hill, with a great big dildo, (Loud Gargling”
(End of Round Buzzer)
Simon: “…Never again. Strictly straights and lesbians from now on…They’re no bother…”
Stinger, after the credits, Simon, still at his desk, going, embittered, “…gays….they take our men…”
Overall: Top to bottom fantastic episode, thanks to four people who were willing to have fun, and some definite regular fun as well. John was obviously the standout, but Robin had some of the funniest lines, Daniel and Kelli had some nice moments, and Phill’s resentment after the ‘tension’ bit was hysterical. Lots of fun all around, and a great pick-me-up from last episode.
Best Regular: Simon
Best Guest: John
Best Runner: Incredibly Gay things