Other than Jenni Falconer, who was here 10 series ago, I only recognize one name from this CHRIIIIISTMAAAAAAS special…and oh my lord. It’s David Gest.
David Gest, for those unaware, married Liza Minnelli in 2003, and divorced her soon after, complaining that she beat him. He’s also denied allegations of his homosexuality MANY TIMES. So…I have no idea what he’s doing on Buzzcocks, but still…this will be funny.
Right after Simon says the show won’t be resorting to gimmicks thanks to the 45 minute running time, all the panelists, one by one, enter on various scooters and cycles. Jenni arrives down a slide placed onstage by stagehands. David arrives legitimately riding a horse.
Danny Jones is in McFly, a British band I’ve heard of. Dan Gillespie Sells is the openly gay frontman for The Feeling.
Phill, for the ‘largest gathering of people with 1 surname’ question, figures out it’s either gonna be Stevenes or Joneses, so he asks Danny if he was invited
Simon, channeling Mark Lamarr: “Danny’s surname is ‘From McFly'”
Phill makes a Michael Jackson joke about the Grace Jones video.
Simon: “DON’T MENTION MICHAEL JACKSON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???”
David: “…we don’t mention Michael Jackson.”
Phill: “…Do we not?”
Simon: “David’s best friend Michael Jackson???”
David: “Gotta be NICE to him!”
Bill: “Ahhh…be nice to the baby-dangling freak!”
NMTB in a nutshell right there.
Simon: “Have you met Grace Jones, or married her?”
David: “…So far, Michael Jackson…”
Simon: “Are you keeping count? That’s your type, though. Slightly unhinged gay icons. Have you met Grace Jones?”
Simon: “…call yourself a starfucker…”
David, on Jason Campbell: “Great guy. Big fan of Michael Jackson.”
Simon: “I’m actually a big Michael Jackson fan m’self…”
David: “…Not anymore.”
Simon: “Why not?”
David: “Cause you put him down.”
Simon: “NO, I DIDN’T! It was that bloke there!”
Bill waves, then pantomimes dropping the baby over the balcony. Bill just transformed into Sean Lock for a split-second there.
(I’d like to point out that Dan barely said anything in between the David slams. This may be what we’re in for.)
Phill, to Jenni: “One morning on GMTV, I’d really love- just for me- book Cradle of Filth! Let’s have a death metal band on! And you and Ben Shepherd going “…that was lovely!” Dani Filth going “EEEEEUUUUUUUURRRGHHHHH!” “I understand that song’s about raping Satan!”
Simon: “Isn’t Cradle of Filth what you call Fiona Phillips?”
As Danny and Bill try Intros with their Medieval Instruments, Phill: “Medieval McFly is not available in the shops!”
For his second intro, Bill brings up this large, windy horn, which prompts Phill to say “BILL WILL NOW PLAY HIS LOWER INTESTINE…”
Also, during intros, every once and a while Simon will pull out a saxophone and mime playing an actual song, like Careless Whisper or the Pink Panther theme.
Also, during intros, Simon pulls out a menorah and starts lighting it, as it is the Christmas special, and he is pretty damn Jewish. So then, Phill and Dan turn whatever intro they were doing into Hava Nagila”
Simon eventually shares at ACTUAL letter from the Daily Mail, talking about how Buzzcocks is filled with ‘gay filth’. So Phill and Bill stand up and shake Simon’s hand, congratulating him on the gay filth. It’s pretty hysterical.
Simon: “Muse had their equipment wrecked during a hurricane, right before the ironically-named Hurricane Festival. We can only wish them the best of luck at the World AIDS Day festival.”
The audience reacts in OHHHHHs.
Simon: ‘COME ON PEOPLE, IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!”
Bill, in Badly-Drawn Boy: “I hope it’s Sophie Ellis-Bextor. HUGEST face I’ve ever seen…”
Simon: “Bill Bailey…Dan’s bandmate is married to Miss Bext-”
Bill: “OH, I DO APOLOGIZE…”
Simon: “Did you ever meet Rednex, David?”
David, misunderstanding: “…a lot of ’em…”
Simon: “I meant the band.”
David looks over, kind of shocked, and gives a very panicked (for David) expression, which cracked me up.
Simon, sending off Mary Jo: “Still touring the world and writing new material- REALLY?”
For David’s ID Parade, #4 is intro’d as ‘Liza Minnelli’, and #5 is the horse David came in on. Man, if David doesn’t leave without shouting at the producers, I’ll be shocked.
Simon: “David, you must have met Derek B in the 80’s?”
David, getting a bit tired of this, just shakes his head no
Simon: “You’ve just fallen in love with the mule, haven’t you?”
Phill: “It’s not Mr. Ed. He’s not gonna go “IT’S NOT MEEEEE!!!”
Overall: A pretty nice Christmas episode, weakened by a less funny and more interesting Next Lines, and a few guys who didn’t do a ton on the panel. David was fun, though became less and less of a good sport as the episode went on. Jenni and Danny were pretty fun too.
Best Regular: Simon
Best Guest: David
Best Runner: Famous People David Knows
SERIES 19 SUPERLATIVES!!!
Best Episode: Episode 5, featuring John Barrowman’s out-gaying, and Robin Ince wondering why.
2nd Best Episode: Episode 1, where Simon can’t say something he doesn’t have, and Alesha going insane.
Worst Episode: Episode 4, because with all the Amy Winehouse stuff it was a bit hard to watch, even if Andrew Maxwell was on point.
Best Regular: Simon, for coming in and completely taking the show over, making it his own.
Best Musician Guest: Lily Allen, for being a pretty huge pop star and being a great sport with all the meat Simon threw at her.
Best Comedian Guest: Stewart Lee, for nearly upstaging Bill Oddie with his really impressive humor.
Best Dartboard for Mark: Vanessa Feltz, I guess.
Most Annoying Panelist: Bill Oddie, by default, even though he was at least entertaining, he still sort of unraveled completely.