Welp. I’ve had a good life. Time to watch the Donny Tourette episode.
I’ve heard horror stories. Donny Tourette, Towers of London frontman, supposedly ignited a shitstorm in his sole appearance on NMTB, and evidently he’s supposed to bring out the worst in Simon. Not sure if I should be alarmed or excited.
Thankfully we have the first ever appearance by Noel Fielding to soften the blow a bit. Also, Philip Oliver from Brookside is here, as is Alfie Jackson, who headed up The Holloways.
Simon, to Alfie: “What is the general opinion of the Kooks in the indie world?”
Donny, O.S.: “CRAP!”
Alfie: “Well, that is one side of it…”
Simon: “I should explain…Donny is a punk.”
on Radio one:
Alfie: “You go to bed with Westwood, and wake up with Moyles.”
Bill: “Ohhh…waking up with Moyles. He’s no spoon, is he?”
Noel: “He’s a shovel.”
Yeah…looking forward to him being on in a few seasons.
Simon: “Hel-lo, Donny’s put sunglasses on. THAT’LL TELL THATCHER!”
Donny: “D’you wanna have a go?”
(Simon tries on the sunglasses)
Donny: “All you need to do is give it a little bit of that [does some weird pointing thing]”
Simon: “….and now I’m cool…”
Donny, to Bill: “You should try begging at home, on the streets…but then again, not too many people would take pity on you, because you’re pretty ugly.”
Bill, mock-offended: “OOOOOHHH!”
Simon: “I should explain. Bill is a professional comedian. You won’t win!”
Simon, trying to corral Bill’s team: “We need a coherent answer”
Noel: “Does he put ships in bottles?”
Bill: “Superglued one, to the pope’s head!”
Funny enough, Phill and Donny actually work pretty well together, on telling a story about Prince in B&Q. but, the second they cut back to Simon, he’s already screwing with Donny
Donny has the punchline about Prince at B&Q, saying “of course, the store attendant’s gonna say it comes out at $19.99”
The audience, of course, boos.
Donny: “AW, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Y’all be SHARP, aren’t ya?”
Simon: “Yeah, it was definitely their fault…”
Simon plays a clip from a ‘rockumentary’ about Towers of London, to make the audience more familiar with Donny’s work, of him completely trashing a bunch of concert promoters, and then just quietly sitting down.
Phillip: “I like how you went and had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs.”
Simon, summing up the argument: “Was he suggesting you *couldn’t* dick on the Sex Pistols. Because I’m sitting here saying you COULD dick on the Sex Pistols.”
Donny: “I have GOT a dick, and I’m here.”
Simon: ‘He has got a dick, and he’s here. I think that’s the best we can hope for tonight…”
Simon: “Have you got an answer?”
Phill: “You know what, I’m gonna take [Donny’s] answer, because I don’t know what it’ll be, but none of us do…”
Simon: “I don’t even remember the question…”
Phill, BEGINNING to lose his nerve, re-asks the question
Donny, after a few beats: “…Because his helmet turned blue?”
Phill: “….BECAUSE, SIMON…HIS HELMET TURNED BLUE! I think we can rest easily! BRING IN THE POINTS, BITCH!”
Simon: “‘His helmet turned blue’….YOU’RE WRONG!”
Man, at least Phill and Simon are having tons of fun screwing with Donny, and at least Donny is enjoying himself on the show.
After Noel fails to give an answer
Simon: “I would pass it over at this point, BUT DONNY TOURETTE HAS GONE MISSING!”
Phill even reports that he’s got no idea where he went, and Simon gets a grand idea- “I WILL pass it over, but I’ll PLAY him…” So, he runs over to Donny’s seat with the sunglasses, and…perfection…
I mean it, the impression is PERFECT. They even run with it.
Phill: “What d’you think there, Tourette?”
Simon: “IS IT…DID ‘IS HELMET GO BLUE?”
Phill even sends it back to Simon, but right as Simon runs back to his seat, a CLEARLY amused Donny returns, and just gives Simon a little hug.
I love the cut back to Bill’s team- they have no idea what’s going on. Bill just looks horrified.
Simon: ‘That is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Bill and Alfie go back into their intro, as if to get the game back going again.
Donny: “The only reason you’re on this show is cause you told people you fancied me, DUDE!”
Simon, dry as hell: “It’s not. You see, we have a bit of difficulty booking people…”
Noel, still guessing: “It IS ANNIE LENNOX?”
Simon: “Hang on, I’ll pass it over.”
Phill: “Is it…Did his helmet turn blue, Simon?”
Phill sighs angrily
Probably the most famous exchange in the whole show, as Donny gets up for Intros
Donny: “Here’s what I think of you” (grabs crotch)
Simon: “Really? You think of me…as a small penis? WELL, I NEVER!”
Right before the 2nd intro, Donny just sprawls himself out onto the desk.
Simon: “What’s he doing?”
Phill: “He’s having himself a little sit-down.”
Donny does this little ‘shh’ motion to Simon. So Simon plays the Sex Pistols’ Anarchy in the UK and starts punk-dancing around, just to piss Donny off.
Simon has a stand-up about the New Kids on the Block failing to establish long-run record sales. “Other examples of entertaining television personalities failing to jumpstart record sales include Lisa Scott-Lee, Ashlee Simpson, Kelly Osbourne, and…can’t think of another one…”
CUT TO DONNY, COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS
Simon: “Nope, nope, can’t think of one…(smirks), ah, that’ll be a nice surprise, now won’t it.”
Yeah, Simon’s become absolutely diabolical with this show. It’s quite fun to watch, actually.
Phill’s ID Parade: “Is it all five of them? Is it a twist sort of thing?”
Simon: “No, only one of them was in Fixx.”
Phill: “But all five of them would make a cracking band, wouldn’t you agree, Simon?”
Simon: “…I disagree…”
Right before he’s about to reveal the real one, Simon: “I interviewed Fixx.”
Phill: “Oh really? Which one is it?”
Simon: “…I can’t remember…”
Simon’s opportunity to screw with the actual ID Parade guy: “Now modeling…I hate to think what that really means…”
Bill’s ID Parade deals with the band who sang “I’m in love with a German film star”, and GUESS WHO’S BACK AT #5?
Alfie: “I am genuinely scared.I’m just gonna lay back here [behind Bill]
Simon: “You know, we had him on last week…”
Noel: “Oh, really?”
Simon: “But he was so stiff that we couldn’t move him…”
Noel, on #5 against the suited panel: “#5’s not been given much of a chance. He’s in dungarees and a perm!”
Bill: “He’s the international symbol of inbreeding!”
Simon: “HOW DARE YOU?”
Bill, sheepishly: “oh, sorry…”
Bill says that it’s #3, because of the shades, however Simon mentions that four of the five are wearing shades. He then gets an idea, and asks to borrow Donny’s sunglasses as Bill’s panel keeps conferring. Then…
The fact that this guy will keep standing there and continue to not crack up…that takes serious skill. And then Simon starts moving his arms to do the little Donny cool move, which…he BARELY withstands without breaking.
Donny, offscreen: “MY SHADES!”
Simon: “D’you want ’em back now? You gonna cause some sort of RRRRIOT?”
(Anarchy in the UK starts playing as Simon does the Donny move)
Noel: ‘Is that your new, authentic punk dance”
Noel does an even goofier version of it as the music plays again.
Noel: “That’s like a child dizzy on lemonade…”
Man, he’s gonna fit right in here…
Donny, several times over the course of the show, calls Simon ‘Anstis’, confusing Simon with Toby Anstis, which is sort of like the Clarkson-Paxman thing from a few series ago. At the end of one of the next lines, Donny just throws in ‘ANSTIS’ just to piss Simon off.
Phill: “GIVE US ANOTHER ONE! COME ON, TOBY, WE’RE READY!”
Simon: “I am an antichrist, I am an anarchist”
Donny: “I am the walrus?”
Simon just gives the most delightful, high-pitched laugh.
So, Simon’s doing the Next Lines for Bill’s team, looks over, and just stops.
Simon: ‘HANG ON A MINUTE…DONNY IS *SMOKING NOW!* WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO NEXT? A cigarette…that you can LEGALLY BUY IN SHOPS! I’ll try to carry on but I am shocked to the POINT!”
The second it’s revealed that Bill’s team have won by a point, you can see and hear an audible “FUCK OFF!” coming from Donny Tourette.
Simon: “Donny is unhappy…”
Donny: “I mean, that’s BULLSHIT! They didn’t win!”
Simon: “Punks love points…”
Bill: “Yeah, smash the system, but can we have another point!”
Overall: WHOA. I think I wrote more for that one than I’ve written for a Buzzcocks ep in a WHILE. The panel was pretty on, as even the weakest guy, Alfie, was giving funny answers, and even Simon’s plan to screw with Philip by showing his shirtless calendar still got some laughs, and even Noel gave some of the most inspired answers of the show, even next to Bill. But the crowning achievement of this episode, and quite possibly this series, is taking a force of nature like Donny Tourette and screwing with him at every given moment. Man, Simon and Phill were having SO MUCH FUN with him, and Donny was still at least having a nice time, sort of like Dom Masters from The Others. It was a solid, hysterical episode with several highlights and some ridiculous moments.
Best Regular: Simon
Best Guest: Noel
Best Runner: Donny is a Punk