Man, that Donny Tourette show was hysterical, but I’d like now to move on with some people who can play by the rules a bit.
Oh wait…is this…
IS THIS THE PRESTON EPISODE?
OH MY GOSH, FOLKS! WE MADE IT! WE MADE IT TO THE PRESTON EPISODE! IT’S BEEN A LONG, STRANGE JOURNEY BUT WE’RE FINALLY HERE AT 20×03!!! THIS IS FANTASTIC!
I can barely contain my excitement, but Preston, of the Ordinary Boys, is in the building. Last time he was on he was smiley, a great sport, and in a wonderful mood, but this is a different Preston…an older…broken Preston. And we will watch him unfold.
Meanwhile, Ed Byrne’s also here, on his break from being Dara O’Briain’s manservant, and he’ll at least spice up the show.
Fyfe Dangerfield sang lead for the Guillemots. Anne Charleston is a famous Australian soap star.
Simon: “Preston appeared on Celebrity Big Brother, and then married the winner, Chantelle. Preston feared it would alienate hardcore Ordinary Boys fans, but luckily, neither of them were in the country. Or existed.”
Simon: “…Preston is ANGRY NOW I CAN’T CONTINUE!”
Preston, springing back: “No, I’m fine…”
Simon: “Ed appeared on Blind Date before becoming a comedian. Going on a game show to gain attention and find a wife? Imagine the desperation, Preston…”
To Simon’s credit…this shit is still pretty funny.
Ed: “I love that you called him ‘Snoop Doggy Dogg’. It’s Snoop Dogg.”
Simon: “Getting advice from a middle-aged man in a hoodie.”
Ed: “He’s only Snoop Doggy Dogg to his mother…and only then when he’s in trouble. “SNOOP DOGGY DOGG! CLEAN ALL THESE HOES OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM!”
Simon: “Preston, any ideas”
Preston: “Not really, I’m still kinda pissed at what you said at me in the opening”
Simon: “Well, you can’t go on Big Brother and get away with it”
Preston, cracking up a bit, nods, as if to say that is true…
After the umpteenth Preston slam, Simon: “We’re gonna have fun tonight, Preston!”
Preston: “Are we? Just lemme know when it starts…”
On what Green Day and Britney Spears have in common:
Anne: “They all go to the same church. Britney Spears is an anagram for Presbyterian.”
(Bill starts working out the letters on his notebook)
I actually really enjoy Anne on this program, because Simon evidently grew up with Neighbors, and Anne’s just in a great mood, even when Simon reveals he used to think Anne’s character was a monster. She smiles, and goes ‘well, she kind of was’. She’s an excellent sport here, and is having a great time.
Simon says once again that he enjoyed Anne’s gravelly voice…and then Shaggy’s ‘Mr. Bombastic’ starts playing…which reminds me of Phill and Suggs impersonating Shaggy’s growl when he was on the show.
Fyfe brings up the fact that his bassist once figured out the correct note to give a woman an orgasm, but wouldn’t tell them which one it was, though said “I bet it’s F Minor”. And then Simon starts playing various notes, trying to give Anne an orgasm.
Phill, noticing Bill’s panel: ‘It’s a bit like Lord of the Rings over there…”
Fyfe: “So who’s Anne, then?”
Anne: “I don’t belong in Lord of the Rings, no…”
Simon: “Stop upsetting Anne…I’ve already failed to give her an orgasm…”
Right after Preston’s second intro, Simon whips out from under his desk and pulls out Chantelle’s book…
Simon just reads a passage from the book, without any context, and then closes it.
Simon looks over, surprised to see he’s this beaten, and goes “Come on! Haven’t you read it? I don’t want to spoil the ending for you…”
Simon reads one more passage, “The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail, which made me feel really posh and up-market.”
Then, in one motion, Preston says “you blew it, man”, and walks right off stage, saying “I can’t do this anymore”. The whole time, Simon’s saying ‘ah, no, come back’, as if Preston’s not serious, but Preston legitimately takes off his mic and leaves the set.
THIS, FOLKS, IS WHERE THE FUN BEGINS.
Immediately, Simon, sarcastically goes “Oh, come on, we can’t lose PRESTON!”
Bill: “I guess he thought he’s been voted out!”
Simon: “I mean, I only read his girlfriend’s book!”
Audience member: “THAT’S HIS WIFE!”
Simon: “I only read his wife’s book…”
What Bill does next is genius. Knowing they have to tape a show, and knowing they’re down a member, he turns to the audience and goes “ANYONE LOOK A BIT LIKE PRESTON IN THE AUDIENCE?” Sort of like Pete Townshend’s cry of ‘Does anyone here know how to play the drums?’ when Keith Moon collapsed due to horse tranquilizer abuse. And then Bill legitimately goes into the audience and finds a guy that looks like Preston.
Bill already starts coaching the guy “Just look a bit surly, like that, and every time he goes there, say ‘that’s out of order’.”
Anne, as Bill sits down, goes to him “you chose a really pretty one…he looks great!”
Simon: ‘Welcome to show business!”
Simon: “What is your name?”
Simon: “Hello Preston”
Ed Byrne: “Oh, hang on… we can’t have two Eds!”
Simon: “It’s alright, we’ve got one Ed, one Phill, one Preston!”
Simon: “What do you do for a living?”
Preston!Ed: “I drill holes in wells.”
Ed: “Water wells or oil wells.”
Ed: “What other kinds of wells are there? A LEMONADE WELL? You’re smiling as we make fun of you, you’re already being a very bad Preston!”
Simon: “I didn’t even finish the quote from the book!”
Preston!Ed, remembering his training: “That’s out of order!”
Simon, taking everything in stride, goes ‘shall we carry on as if everything’s normal, shall we?”
Great facial reaction. Fyfe, for the first intro, starts jumping up and down doing full-body motion and a weird beat. Bill just stands there, looks at Fyfe, looks at Anne, shrugs, and goes along with it. It’s a perfect little moment.
Simon keeps screwing with Fyfe about his band’s propensity to use household appliances as instruments, so he keeps handing him things off his desk for Fyfe’s aid in intros. By the time Simon hands him a bunch of post-it notes, Fyfe pretends to walk off just like Preston did. As he walks off, he gives a double ‘fuck off’ sign, jokingly.
Simon: ‘Preston, any idea?”
Preston!Ed: “Ain’t got a clue.”
Simon: “How weird is this for you?”
Preston!Ed, briefly dropping character: “…weird.”
As Anne doesn’t know most of the intros.
Simon: ‘Anne, how about this one?”
(The Neighbours theme starts playing”
Anne, getting up: “Alright, that’s it…”
Simon also has, on file, the ‘sad tune, from when someone’s died and they can’t play the cheery tune’, so he plays that one, which is a sadder, piano-driven version of the regular theme.
Ed: “Can we give the Paris Hilton lookalike something to suck on to keep her mouth busy?”
Simon: “I’ve got a desk tidy…”
Phill, to Preston!Ed: “Oh, man, when this is on telly you’re gonna get such sweet loving. If you wanna give up that drilling, get on the box…”
Bill: “I tell ya what…he’s gonna end up presenting DIY SOS, isn’t he?”
Simon: “Really, as a member of the public you should get, like, a cash prize, tonight. Like, only celebrities are really allowed to walk away with nothing, or else they’re playing for a charity, so really you should be playing for money here, or some sort of caravan- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?”
(Someone in the audience goes “YEAH!”
Preston!Ed: “Ask me wife…”
Simon: “Is THAT your wife…”
Simon, reading cards: “So who…no, that’s not it…HOW MANY, no, that’s not it either…”
Phill: “You’ve fallen to BITS since you lost Preston, haven’t you…”
Simon: “Call me, call me anytime”
Phill: “Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes…”
At the very end, Simon Calls Ed over, and ends the show…and then plays the sad Neighbors music, passing over Phill, Ed and the empty, seat, and one last shot of the empty seat before fading out.
Overall: Maybe not as wall-to-wall funny as Episode 2, but still one of the finest NMTB entries of all time. Yes, the Preston thing was hysterical, and the second he left, the show became absolutely electric, with Ed’s entrance, as well as everyone else threatening to walk off. The three others had a ton of fun, even if Ed didn’t say as much as I would have liked. Anne was an amazing sport, and looked like she was having an amazing time, and Fyfe had the right amount of energy about him. Still a classic, still makes me laugh.
Best Regular: Bill, actually, as he had the best attitude following the Preston drop, and with Anne and Fyfe.
Best Guest: Anne, though Ed comes close.
Best Runner: Preston’s departure.
Up next: Some normality, including THREE guests I’m very much looking forward to, including an ex-Mock the Week panelist, an ex-Ultravox member, and…an X-Man.