For once this season, I don’t know a ton of people on the panel. Just Dom Joly, who was on an episode of QI a while back, and Sinitta, who’s been on, but was unmemorable on her episode. Still, knowing this season, the momentum’s probably going to keep going for a while…
Nick Hodgson was the drummer for Kaiser Chiefs for a while. Jonas Armstrong played Robin Hood on the BBC program.
Tonight, Simon’s introducing a new around, where contestants have to guess what objects injured popstars, called ‘Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?”
Simon, after a modest response, goes “Hey, it was either that or ‘Injury and the Blockheads’.
Phill, the resident Blockheads expert, chuckles a tad, but no real response.
Simon: “…Glad we didn’t go with that one, then…”
Phill: “Why is it that bands do everything with fire extinguishers except extinguish fires. They drink them, squirt them at each other, have sex with them-”
Nick: “On one of our songs on the new album, Ricky PLAYED a fire extinguisher”
Phill: “PLAYED? I mean, you’ve won Brit Awards. You can afford instruments!”
Jonas: “The only reason that you could get injured by peanut butter is if you go back to the hotel room on your own, without a groupie, and injured yourself wanking with it…”
Phill: “Yeah, but only if you use crunchy…”
Jonas: “I’ve tried both, and believe me, it happens with both…”
Simon: “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ROBIN HOOD?”
Phill: “I actually like it with jam!”
(Simon gives him a look)
Phill: “Peanut butter, not wanking!”
Simon, explaining the J from 5ive Fire Extinguisher story: “Apparently J thought it would be funny to stick the fire extinguisher hose down the front of his trousers and let it off. However, much to his disappointment, the chemicals burnt his penis and testicles quite badly. “HELP, MY PENIS AND TESTICLES ARE BURNING OFF” he unconvincingly mimed.”
Bill, on the Dylan video: “This is Dylan, putting the window down”
Dom: “No, he’s putting the window up, because Dylan’s boring him. ‘EVER TELL YA BOUT’ ‘VMMMMMMMMMM'”
Simon: “After the release of Bob Dylan’s album ‘Modern Times’ he was accused of plagiarizing the work of poet Henry Timrod, specifically the line ‘there is a wisdom that grows up in strife.’ Timrod was also famed for the line ‘he’s got to be big and strong, enough to turn me on.”
CUT TO SINITTA:
Simon: “….THIEF! And not in a good Robin Hood way!”
Simon asks Jonas about his acting range, and to give his best ‘angry’, which Bill resents, giving an angry face of his own.
Jonas’ first intro, he knows it completely, asks if it’s Northern, gets the Stone Roses…and gives the wrong Stone Roses title. He immediately gives the right one, and Simon goes “I’m not giving you the point, because you were too smug about it…”
Afterwards, Phill retorts: “Amstell, did you steal from the Hood and give to the Bailey?”
Very next round, Nick gives him the title, and he immediately gives it back..and Simon doesn’t count it, and he gets even angrier about it. Jonas is being very defensive about it, and Simon’s not having it, all the while Dom’s going “EASY ROBIN, LEAVE IT!”
Simon: “We also heard Waterfall by the Stone Roses. WATERFALL, NOT “fbfbfbfbf WRONG.”
After Simon suggests Sinitta should replace Kate Thornton on the X Factor: “What’s wrong with Kate?”
Simon: “Well, she doesn’t appear to be human. You should talk to Cowell. You know him, he’s your…ex. I know you’re happily married now, and this time to a HETEROsexual, which is nice”
Sinitta completely loses it. She nods, as if it is true.
Dom: “You were married to Cowell?”
Sinitta: “We were never married.”
Bill: “Didn’t get through to the final round…”
Jonas, on the ID Parade: “Can I ask you…do they always stare at you, in such a terrifying way?”
Phill: “For those of you who thought 5ive had broken up, HERE…ARE THE POLISH REPLACEMENTS!”
Phill, knowing full well who Rik Waller is, says he’s had enough, and goes up to the lineup, telling Rik to sit in his seat as he replaces Rik in the lineup. So, Rik sits down, jazzed to be there, and then Simon asks him which one is Rik Waller.
And then Phill sees how horrifyingly #5 is eyeing him, and just slowly scoots away from him.
Of course then Simon gets very confused, and even confers with Nick about what the hell he does. Phill even asks, if he says ‘will the real Rik Waller step forward’, he can’t even, because he’s not Rik Waller.
Simon, at his wit’s end: “WHY DIDN’T I PAY MORE ATTENTION IN PRESENTING SCHOOL?”
Eventually Bill gets an idea to have phill magically morph into Rik, like in Star Trek, while the soothing music of Sister Sledge plays in the background. This, somehow, WORKS!
Simon, reading a snippet of Sinitta’s book summary: “Find out why Andi Peters broke my heart”
Phill: “Oh, tricky one…”
Dom: “Let’s have a think!”
Overall: Obviously not as great at the last few, but still a pretty great one. Sinitta had much more to do here, and had a lot more fun with Simon. Jonas did get a lot of bashing, and seemed a bit annoyed after a while, but for a while was having fun. Dom had a bunch of nice jokes, and Nick, though the quietest of the four, did have some nice bits.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Sinitta
Best Runner: Simon Cowell