Onto what is probably going to be a much better Series 16 episode, much closer to our first two entries, is one with a panel, 3/4ths of which we’ve seen before. Pete Tong, a radio personality, Fearne Cotton, the ubiquitous TV presenter, and Steve Frost, man of a thousand eyebrows.

The only newbie is Chris Park, a member of boy band Fixx, who I only know because Simon brought them up later on in Mark’s era, to which Mark responded he’d never heard of them, ‘which is sad, as I’ve had some of them on…’

After Phill and his team can’t get the first question about Wilson Pickett, Mark just sets fire to the middle of the card, and says “it’s like Bonanza.”, as he hums the theme song.

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“Imagine a map of Texas (belts the Bonanza theme)”

Oh dear. Bill’s 1st round involves Cradle of Filth. I bet Mark will have some fun with this one, especially after the Dani Filth show.

Bill: “Where they from, anyway, Ipswich?”
Mark: “Ipswich, yeah”
Bill: “There’s something about…coming from rural areas, that…uh..”
Mark: “Makes ya look freaky???”

One thing about this episode is that the guys are definitely enjoying themselves, and this is evident during Phill and Chris’ Radar Love intro. Pete’s bobbing along to the intro, really into the music. Once the actual intro plays in, and the “I’ve been driving all night, my hands wet behind the wheel’ line plays, Steve just mimes driving a steering wheel, grinning.

Bill and Fearne’s first intro has a lot of sound effects, which Bill adds by going “…EY…WHOA…LOOKOUT!”.
Mark: “I think, Steve, what would make it easier was if you ignore Bill’s bit…and also, Fearne’s.”

Before Fearne and Bill start their intros, Mark goes “Steve’s pretty good at this round.” Steve looks over at him and chuckles a little- he remembers otherwise.

Bill explains that there are new-agey sound effects in the song, but once they try the intro again, Mark stops them, and plays in the actual intro to see if there are any sounds resembling Bill’s…which there aren’t, especially, though Bill’s still trying to convince him.

Bill and Fearne’s 2nd intro is confusing, as they both do it in different time signatures, and Fearne’s doing this very faint whistling.
Mark: “One of them doesn’t know this song.”
Steve: “Can somebody turn the kettle off, we’re trying to do a show here…”

Mark: “In 1988, Kim Wylde supported Michael Jackson on his Bad tour, which means that for two months, both artists on that bill were doing Kids in America on a nightly basis.”
Steve rears back for that one. At least Mark never held back the MJ jokes.

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Chris: “It’s definitely not #3 because she actually works at McDonalds, because I bought a Big Mac off her an hour ago. Or is she from one of the films I’ve got?”
Mark: “YOU BUY FILMS OF MCDONALDS EMPLOYEES? I mean, if anyone was gonna say that, I’d look [at Phill]”

Phill: “I wanna know…what #2 and #5 are doing after the show…”

Pete: “It’d be too obvious if it was #2 or #5”
Phill: “No, I know who it is, I just want to…look at the food porn a bit more…”
Mark: “I imagine this is the sort of thing for you, isn’t it? A woman dressed up as food…”
Phill: “Aw, yeah…”
Mark: “What more could you want in life?”

Phill, giddy with anticipation: “…I THINK-”
Chris: “Which one would you want a bite of?”
Phill: “Well, 2’s a big bun, but 5’s got EGG!”
And with that, he writhes around, aroused, in his seat.

Chris: “Numbers 1, 3 and 4 look very smart, but numbers 2 and 5-”

Next Lines:
Mark: “What do you want, what do you want, what do you want?”
Mark: “…it is true.”

Mark: “What do you see when you turn out the lights.”

Mark: “Food, glorious food.”
Phill: [breaks]
Pete: “Hot jelly and mustard.”
Mark: “oooooh. ‘Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut'”

And now we go to Bill, Fearne and Steve for Next Lines. Buckle…the fuck…up.

Mark: “I’ve been to paradise.”
Mark: “…that’s how Cradle of Filth would have done it…”

Mark gives Fearne, like, 10 kid’s songs in a row, and she keeps answering sarcastically.
Mark: “You said that like ‘I’m above this.’ I mean, she’s a kids’ TV presenter.
Fearne: “It doesn’t mean I’m actually five!”
Steve, in the background, goading her on: “GO ON, FEARNE! GET ‘IM!”
Mark: “No…kids TV presenter doesn’t mean they’re kids and they present TV.”
Fearne: “…but that’s what you’re saying I am.”
Mark, after a beat: “…well, a little bit, yeah…”

Mark: “We’re going to the zoo, zoo, zoo.”
Fearne: “….”

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Mark’s puzzled reaction

Bill: “Ears on the elephant go round and round….THE WHEELS ON THE OTTER GO UP AND DOWN….THE EYES IN THE WALRUS GO ROUND AND ROUND!….I’m not five!”
Mark, putting the card away: “We’ll never know, we’ll have to chop off his leg and count the rings…”

Mark: “Bananas in pyjamas.”
Fearne: “….”
Meanwhile, I’m dying over here.

Mark: “Polly put the kettle on.”
Bill, suddenly a soul singer: “…if you’ll STAAAAY WITH ME, TIL DAWWN.”
Mark looks over at Phill and Pete, who are DYING laughing. He confers with them, because he doesn’t know what song it was, and once Phill tells him, he turns to Bill and goes, after a beat, “yes.”

Fearne: “We did very poorly in that one…”
Mark: “WELL, YA WON…”

Overall: From the start it took some time to get going joke-wise, but the dynamic was there from the very beginning- all four were in a great mood, and once ID Parade started, things picked up BIG TIME, from Phill and the food, to Phill CONTINUING with food in Next Lines, to Bill’s entire next lines round with Fearne arguing with Mark, Steve screwing with her, and Bill…being Bill. A classic, I’d say, even if people like Chris and Pete weren’t as wild as the others, they still had some great moments.

Best Regular: Bill
Best Guest: Steve

3 thoughts on “Nevermind Watchdown: S16E4, or KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AND A PIZZA HUT

  1. “It’s ‘Kids in America’ by Jack Douglas!” Followed by a brief imitation of Douglas’s character creation Alf Ippititimus.

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