Another episode where I’ve heard of the majority of the panelists. This time, it’s Bill’s team I know all of- Mark Watson, who’s been on before but is better known for his Mock the Week stuff, and Robyn, famed Swedish singer and BFF of Katy Perry. Also, Christopher Biggins (has up his bottom tonight), one of the ORIGINAL Transys from Rocky Horror, and a noted actor, personality and quite gay person, is on Phill’s team. As is Sam Duckworth, AKA Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly.
Simon asks Phill’s team whether Lauper or Aguilera carried on performing after a bird crapped in their mouth.
Phill: “When you say ‘a bird’….are we talking Bill Oddie or Eastenders?”
Simon brings up the I’m a Celebrity.. bit for Christopher, and asks whether he’s going back to acting, or going back to consuming the genitalia of various animals.
Christopher: “I’m hoping I find an acting role where I can eat a couple of bollocks.”
Simon: “Something in Hollyoaks, perhaps?”
Christopher’s wonderful, is a larger-than-life personality, and is having so much fun, but I’m still not a fan of Simon pausing the quiz show to ask the panelists interview questions.
Christopher guesses Lauper, because ‘she’s got those lips.”
Simon: “Lips wouldn’t have enticed a bird…”
Christopher: “HOW DO YOU KNOW? Bird could have looked out and said ‘oh, look at those lips, I’m going to shit in those!”
Simon: “Funnily enough, a robin once shat in my ears…though her album’s sold well enough, so what do I know?”
That was almost a Lamarr-esque joke. Robyn isn’t too fazed, though.
Speaking of, another Lamarr delivery on the Johnny Cash intro clip, “He survived drug addiction, poverty, and an attempted suicide, which is all great life experience…when playing Widow Twankey in Swindon.”
Of course Biggins laughs this off.
Bill’s team tries to figure out how Diana Ross would have known of Stalin’s death.
Bill: “Unless she was born in a suburb of Moscow..”
Mark: ‘She had a paper route?”
Bill: “Yes, perhaps that! And she noticed the milk collecting outside Stalin’s house.”
Mark: “‘Something’s amiss.'”
Bill: “‘Has somebody looked in on Stalin? Over the win’er?”
Mark: “Is that how they talk?”
Bill: “Yes, that’s how they talk in Moscow. H’LO!”
Mark: “Someone’s been killed ‘ere!”
Bill: “OH, THERE’S BEN A MERDERRR!”
Simon asks Robyn what she’s been doing since Show Me Love.
Robyn: “I’ve been recording and releasing music in Sweden.”
Mark: “Unlikely story for a Swedish pop star…”
Robyn: “It’s true, if you go there they’ll tell you that I’m the biggest female vocal star there…”
Simon: “Yeah, but that’s what Christopher said…”
After Simon reads Robyn’s bio page on her website, which is very HIGH ADRENALINE and EXTREME.
Bill: ‘Did Jeremy Clarkson write your bio page?”
Simon, as Clarkson: “IF I WAS DOSED TO TITS ON ELECTRIC!”
Bill: “IF SHE WAS A CAR….SHE’D BE A CAR!”
Simon: “What does your shirt say?”
Robyn: “It says ‘Robyn is here’…just so you know.”
Christopher: “We had to take the time to get Christopher to take off his ‘I eat kangaroo cock’ t-shirt.
I do adore Christopher’s laugh, even though it sounds like a fly got into the studio.
Bill mentions reading Johnny Cash’s autobiography, and how depressing it is.
Phill: ‘DID IT MENTION STALIN?”
Mark: “Is it called ‘When Stalin Died and I Found Out?
Phill: “Did Johnny Cash kill him? Did Johnny Cash beat Stalin to death with a guitar??”
After Christopher mentions knowing Cliff Richard
Simon: “Have you and Cliff ever become…romantically involved.”
Christopher: “NNNNOOOOOO, don’t be SILLY…much too old.”
Phill loses it here.
After Simon considers slagging off Robyn to get fans back on his side.
Robyn: “You should be careful, my boyfriend’s a cage fighter.”
Phill: “Don’t say things like that in front of Biggins!! “WHAT’S A CAAAAAGE FIGHTER? I *WANT* ONE!”
Simon: “Is he here in the country?”
Robyn: “No, but I can-”
Simon: “OKAY, SO!”
Phill: “She keeps him in the back of the garden, in Sweden, IN THE CAGE, and he’s got a wheel in it to exercise. He’s got a big water thing in the side.”
Christopher: “Is he tall?”
Robyn: “No, he’s really muscly.”
Phill: “Cause he’s on that WHEEL EVERY MORNING?”
Simon: “I hear outside the cage he is powerless.”
Phill: “He’s agoraphobic! WHERE ARE MY BARS? NO! BRIIING ME MY WHEEL AND MY BAAARRS!”
Bill: “And then he punches you, in the bars!”
Christopher, after the first intro: “…Memory, from Cats?”
Phill: “NO SHOWTUNES!”
Christopher: “…I have no idea, then.”
Phill: “You were like Christopher’s father then. NO SHOWTUNES, BOY, YOU WILL PLAY FOOTBALL!”
Simon and Christopher talk about Joan Collins.
Simon: “I saw her at a press event and she looked like she wanted to punch me.”
Christopher: “That’s a look she has, with people like you…”
Simon: “What, jews?”
Simon: “I should say for legal reasons, we have no reason to suspect that Joan Collins doesn’t like Jews.”
jesus, I’m laughing more than Christopher at this episode.
Simon: “I almost forgot. Robyn, you met the Dalai Lama. How was that?”
Robyn: “How did you, uh…he was very-”
Bill: “He was in a cage…”
Mark: “Was it a James Bond theme?”
Bill: “Very good.”
Mark: “No, not that good. He mimed shooting a gun, and then he mimed fucking a blonde.”
Simon: “…where was that?”
Phill: “…he must have been really quick, cause I missed that altogether…”
Simon: “But Robyn had a lovely time…”
Phill, top of ID Parade: “Well, obviously I have to turn to the King of Club Dance, Reggae and Disco, Mr. Christopher Biggins.”
Christopher starts laughing before he can even finish.
Simon mentioned a lot of Christopher’s showbiz friends helped him out with getting over bankruptcy; “Who didn’t?”
Sam thinks #3 has gold teeth, but they’re not allowed to smile.
Simon: “Make #3 smile.”
Phill: “…LOOOOOVIN’ YOOOU….”
Next Lines: “When the pimp’s in the crib, ma”
Sam: “Drop it like it’s hot?”
Phill: “I’m so surprised Christopher didn’t get that one…”
Overall: Damn if this season hasn’t taken a while to get going, but this one was a complete and total classic. Christopher’s presence on the panel put Phill in a mood he’s rarely been in this season. Robyn, Bill and Mark put together a fun, game, slightly quieter panel, and Robyn was a great sport with Simon’s gags, even if he did generally like her. Mark was a bit quieter than I would have liked, but Christopher was absolutely wonderful, being a fantastic personality and loving every second of the show. A season high so far- even better than the Jermaine Jackson episode.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Christopher
Best Runner: Robyn’s cage-fighter boyfriend.