This is nice. I know everyone on this panel. This doesn’t happen often, folks. Additionally, I’m pretty damn excited for the Guest Bill, because he hasn’t been on in years, and…to be honest, I’m anxious to see without Mark Lamarr breathing down his neck- Bob Mortimer’s the Guest Captain this week, and it’s about bluddy time he’s back.
Phill’s got young, hip DJ Nick Grimshaw, and former Destiny’s Child star Kelly Rowland. Bob’s got the return of David O’Doherty and Jack Osbourne, one of the few sane members of that family.
Simon intros Bob as ‘Comedy Hero Bob Mortimer’…could not have put it better, though he has definitely aged since his last time on.
On what’s pixelated on Mariah Carey’s chest.
Nick: “I’m hoping it’s horrific burns.”
Phill bursts out laughing. The delivery was something more like a Frankie Boyle type thing.
Kelly: “I think…y’all are…uh, this is mean…”
Jack: “WE’VE ALREADY BROKEN HER!”
Kelly: “You are famous. I mean, the ratings are very high, so you’re famous…”
Simon: “Oh, that’s what they told you to get you here?”
Kelly: “No, they said ‘he’s very funny…he may…’ is it ‘take the piss at you’?”
Simon: “Oh, no, I’ve never done that…”
Bob talks about wrestling a crocodile one time.
David: “Wasn’t it dangerous with the jaws and everything?”
Bob: “No, I was the one who had my mouth out, I’m a fuckin’ madman!”
After Kelly and Phill’s 1st intro
Simon: “Kelly, I feel you’re not doing enough. If you do well enough on this intros round, you could launch your own solo career…”
Simon, after getting bored during Kelly’s 2nd intro.
Kelly: ‘IT IS A SONG NO ONE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T KNOW IT. Phill, you know it?”
And he starts waving his finger around. Kelly’s absolutely done.
Phill’s still going “YA COME ON HERE…WIT’CHA JIIIIIIVE ASS SOUL…”
The whole panel’s losing it.
After Simon does a string of Bee jokes, all corny (“What’s a Bee’s favorite pop group? The Bee-Gees!!”), Bob wants to do one.
Bob: “What kind of bee makes milk? Boo-bees!”
Bob and Jack’s first intro is, simply “…1…2..3…AAAUUUGHHHHH!”
Thankfully, David’s able to correctly guess that it’s James Brown.
Kelly’s actually having a really nice time, even if Simon’s taking a lot of jokes at her expense. At one point, she just throws some water on Simon (after a Kelly Osbourne joke(, and says “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.”
Simon: “…I’M A JEW!”
The new post-Intros round is ‘which person goes with which thing’, which is like Biggie to Smalls, only matching them with objects they’re associated with.
Simon: “Phill, your stars are…MEAT LOAF…”
Simon: “…whose, uh, whose wig didn’t come today…”
Phill: “Okay, fake leg…do any of them have a fake leg, that you know of? Does Meat Loaf got the gout??”
Kelly, after she finds out the link is collections: “…You kidding? BEARS?”
Simon: “People collect bears. Why are you saying bears rather than ‘…LEGS?’
Jack: “I, uh, I feel like Kurt Cobain is somehow connected to a shovel…”
Simon: “…but why…”
Jack: “Well, one might have buried him.”
David: “So, by that it means Shaggy will be buried…with some haddock.”
As Simon’s about to go on, Bob gets his attention and says “HEY…DAVID’S HERE!”. And, yeah, as the requisite comedian, David’s got the least amount of stuff for Simon to tease him on, so Simon gives him grounds to be funny for 10 seconds.
David: “I’ve made up one proper joke in the last four years, and this could be the forum to put it forward….’Who are the most decent people at the hospital? The ultra-SOUND people…”
Yeah, that one got a good reaction.
Jack figures out that Shaggy was in the military, so he gets him to move over…but Kurt will not move, so they have to all yell at him to move over.
And then eventually Kurt’s positioned in front of the mop and bucket.
Phill: “And there is Kurt with Courtney Love and a bucket!”
After Jack misses a Girls Aloud Next Line
Simon: ‘Not a fan of Girls Aloud? Which one do you hate the most?”
Bob: “The third one from the left…”
Simon: “Hey there, here I am…”
Phill’s entire panel: “……”
Phill: “Well, it’s going to be a long round….”
Overall: What sums up this episode is the moment Next Lines ended and Simon went ‘what fun we’ve had this evening!’, and Bob, himself, went ‘What ABOUT that fun?’ This may not have been wall-to-wall amazing, but still a fun, breezy episode with 5 panelists who were incredibly game. Nick and Jack had some great funny lines, and Kelly was having so much fun, even with Simon’s jokes.
I will say that if I were producer, I would have swapped David and Bob. Bob’s fantastic, but I think David would have been a better guest panelist than Bob, as Bob is sort of all-for-one, and with some exceptions, didn’t work well with collaborating with the other 2. Still, both were wonderful, and David improved greatly on his last appearance.
Guest Bill Rating: 8/10. Not too bad, but would have preferred David to do it.
Best Regular: Simon
Best Guest: David