…I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for a NMTB episode in my entire life.
Oh, there have been guests like Slash, or Alice Cooper, or David Cross that I’ve just been excited for over my admiration for that…but when your absolute favorite comedian comes on the show, to GUEST HOST…oh, it’s a very, very momentous occasion indeed.
Tonight, after 23 seasons, we have hit our first Frankie Boyle episode. And it will be absolutely momentous.
I know that his 2nd episode’s supposed to be a little better, where he has Michelle Williams and Professor Green to fuck with, but here…he’s got something at least. Carol Vorderman’s here, and she’s a quiz show legend. Reverend Jon McClure and Richard Herring are back for more after some really nice first appearances. DJ Ironik’s also here, and he’s a DJ and rapper. Not exactly Professor Green, but still.
Frankie’s opener is even funny: “When I was asked to host this show, I was delighted. I hate this program, but I’ve got a book to sell and a mistress in London.”
Fuck it, I’m gonna write down all his panelist intros, because they’re all funny:
“DJ Ironik, who’s a great rapper, according to MC Sarcastic.”
“And welcome a woman who’s brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage wall! It’s Carol Vorderman!”
“A singer who said recently that he’d be quitting music, which is a bit like Stephen Hawking saying he’ll be quitting international basketball. It’s Jon McClure.”
for Richard: “He had an Edinburgh show which asked the question of whether it was okay to have a Hitler moustache. The answer is yes, only if it’s above the vagina.”
Oh, my gosh I love this man.
Earlier this season, Welshman Rhod Gilbert tried, and failed, at saying the name of the round ‘WOOP, WOOP, THAT’S DA SOUND OF DA POLICE.” Frankie has a slightly better time of it, but it’s still pretty pathetic, and he laughs it off.
Noel, on the quite disturbing video for Aerosmith’s Pink: “It’s like if they let David Lynch direct a gap advert…”
Frankie: “Ironik- Do we call you Ironik?”
Ironik, harkening back to Fatman Scoop: “Call me whatever you want.”
Frankie: “Oh, now don’t say that…”
Carol, on a tangent: “Do you tweet, Frankie?”
Carol: “Ah, but do you Facebook.:
Frankie: “Yeah, I do go on Facebook…”
Carol: “BUT…what’s your name on Facebook?”
Frankie: “…..Frankie Boyle.”
The whole audience erupts.
Frankie: “To be honest, Carol, I heard you were smarter than this…”
Carol: “There are probably about 57 Frankie Boyle accounts of people pretending to be you.”
Frankie: “Well then I hope that they get the bullet or sexual assault case I am due…”
Noel: “You been in a Ferrari before, Ironik?”
Ironik: “No, never have been in a Ferrari. Can I have some ‘Ah’s for that?”
The audience gives him some AAWWWW…”
Phill: “Shouldn’t you be asking Carol for some of those?”
Yeah, that’s pretty brilliant.
Frankie tells Noel’s team that they’re close about what happened with Joey Kramer and a gas station.
Ironik: “He drove off and didn’t pay?”
Noel: “THAT’S NOT CLOSE!”
Frankie: “That would be the least rock’n’roll crime of all time!”
Noel: “Did he keep that magic tree thing hanging from the mirror- did he keep that in for too long?”
Frankie: “…What’s happened here is when I’ve told you you’re very close, you’ve decided to guess at something from a totally different world.”
Jesus, he’s basically doing the best tribute to Mark Lamarr of anybody out here.
Frankie: “It was the worst case of pumping since Michael Jackson challenged Macaulay Culkin to a game of leap frog.”
The game has to hold for 10 seconds just to get Phill’s entire team to stop laughing.
On how Kelis got into trouble with prostitutes:
Richard: “Did Kelis hire two prostitutes and had sex with them and the police caught them doing it…and after watching for a while, arrested them.”
Frankie: “For a year and a half…in an operation like The Wire…”
Carol: “That was a fantastic song, but I’m not very good at Intros.”
Frankie: “It’s actually, by the standard of this round, quite a good version.”
Phill bursts out laughing.
Frankie: “Yeah, I’m looking at you, Jupitus…”
Frankie: “Let me ask you something, Carol. Did you ever see any irony in presenting a show watched mainly by old people waiting for death…and calling it Countdown?”
THAT is why I adore Frankie Boyle…
Noel: “I’ve attached jelly-tots to my cape, just to lighten everything Frankie says…”
Frankie: “I hope you’ve got a big bag of jelly tots, then…”
Noel, before the 2nd intro: “Shall I count?”
Ironik: “Naw, I’ll do it-”
Frankie: “IF ONE OF YOU COULD MASTER COUNTING…”
Frankie: “John Peel was such a fan of the Undertones that he had the words ‘Teenage Kicks’ engraved on his tombstones. Sadly, it’s been kicked over by teenagers…”
Oh, bloody perfect. Mark would be proud.
Frankie: “Bob Marley decided to fight cancer with homeopathy. If you don’t want to see the results, look away now…although, cancer did go on to play AIDS in the semi-final.”
ANNNND AT NEARLY FOURTEEN MINUTES IN, OUR FIRST FRANKIE BOYLE AIDS JOKE OF THE SHOW!
Richard can’t get Phill and Jon’s 1st intro
Jon: “Can I give him a clue? It’s what you might do after you’ve watched a Kelis video.”
Richard: “…is it Whiter Shade of Pale?”
Richard: “…I do know this one…”
Phill: “APPARENTLY NOT!”
Oh, WOW…Frankie even says, after the first intro, that the next one’s a great one. Sure enough, Phill and Jon do a pretty nice version of Debaser by the Pixies. I’m even happier with Frankie that he’s a fan of that one.
Richard spends 5 seconds just thinking about what that might have been.
Frankie: “…Can you HEAR?”
Frankie: “Any ideas?”
Carol: “I HAVE.”
Frankie: “I’m sorry. Any CORRECT ideas?”
DJ Ironik: “Did she win [X-Factor]?”
Frankie: “If she won, she wouldn’t be turning up on this piece of shit…”
And now, it’s probably the NINETEEN THOUSANDTH TIME that Chickery Tip’s ‘Son of my Father’ has been featured on Nevermind the Buzzcocks (“you moogling old boogling old…).
Frankie, in Next Lines, gives some latin chanting. Phill guesses it’s “NOOO- Reverend Ian Paisley.”
Frankie: “I’m gonna give two points for getting it right, and deduct two for saying the Pope was Ian Paisley.”
Frankie: “Baby, you’re still the one that can turn me on…”
Richard: “Oh, this is the Pope again…”
Frankie signs off with “I’ve been Frankie Boyle, and you’ve been watching what’s likely been a very heavily edited version…of Never Mind the Buzzcocks.”
Overall: Yeah, that was a pretty nice show, even if it fell off towards the end. Frankie was a fantastic guest host, who kept momentum going, was funny, and fit the sort of Mark Lamarr dynamic of the show. Plus, and this surprised me, he was extremely happy here, smiley and laughing a ton- this must have been before his sort of ‘dour’ phase of comedy. The panelists were distributed evenly, though Carol and Ironik had some of the better moments, aside from Richard’s meltdown in Intros. Fantastic show, and wonderful way to end the proper portion of the series.
Guest Host Rating: 10/10. Truly worthy of praise, Frankie.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Carol
Best Runner: Noel’s cape.