Well…I’ve had a good life.
You see, when handling an annoying panelist, like Dappy or Donny Tourette or Mickey Hutton, I have to cling to the fact that the host or someone will at least screw with them and make it worthwhile for me, so I won’t have to listen to them too much.
Jedward…is a different animal entirely.
Even if Guest Host Jack Dee, AS WELL AS comedian panelists like Katy Brand and Charlie Higson, and up-and-coming popstar Eliza Doolittle, take the mick at Jedward, there’s still gonna be bloodshed, mostly coming from my ears. Overall, I’m not excited for this one, but Jack Dee’s fantastic, so it can’t be that bad.
Dear gosh, the very first second of Jedward playback and I’m already done. They’re doing a horrible cover of Blink 182’s All the Small Things. One audience member frantically wails.
This is great- they show (for what must be the 80th time on Buzzcocks) Billy Bragg’s ‘Sexuality’ video…INCLUDING a clip of Phill doing air-guitar. Phill directed that video, and hopefully he’ll at least subtly mention it here.
Sure enough, Noel mentions it first chance he gets.
Phill: ‘I was just looking at the still there, and it appeared to me that in the 1980’s I was quite a successful lesbian…”
Jack: “Phill, I have to say that you and Charlie look like a very gay couple about to adopt a daughter [Eliza]”
Charlie, pointing at Jedward: “Yeah, but what do THOSE LOT look like?”
Noel, looking over at Jedward: “Never in my life have I looked more like a paedophile…”
Jon: “When we were younger, we had this sort of book on strangers, and-”
Noel: “I WAS ON THE COVER!”
Jack: “Did you learn anything from that book?”
Jon: “Yeah, it was a scary book, yeah.”
Jack: “…still went with Louis Walsh, did ya?”
Even Jedward talking amongst themselves is deafening:
Jack: “Can Jon finish the sentence before you start the next one?”
Noel: “It’s like an auction…”
Jack tries reading some of Jedward’s tweets, one of which is “It’s so weird- this morning Edward broke a bowel and then the cocoa pops went everywhere.”
The whole room takes a second to recover from the absurdity of that one.
Jack suggests that Jedward shut up so that Phill’s team can get the answer
Phill: “Chico’s gonna be the new Docto-”
Jedward: *inaudible clattering*
Phill: “…nearly there.”
Charlie: “No, go ahead. Persevere. You can do it!”
Jack, revealing the answer: “They were both goat-herders before they-”
Charlie: “NO THEY WEREN’T!”
Jack, channeling Angus Deayton: “Uh, I’m afraid they were..”
Katy, on the Cowell intro-clip: “I mean, whenever I see black and white footage of someone with that song, I just get attracted to them…”
Phill: “Most footage of Hitler’s in black and white…”
Jon: “Actually, I know a lot of people compare Simon Cowell to Hitler. I think he’s okay-”
Katy: “WHOA WHOA WHOA…it’s lines out of context like that, that get this show in trouble…”
On Simon & Noel Gallagher:
Katy: “Were they both goatherds?”
Jon, giving the one genuine funny line either of them have had all night: “Are they both the same height?”
Noel: “Have they both…recovered from lupus?”
Charlie’s tweeting throughout the show. During Eliza and Phill’s first intro, he types “…Eliza is making a strangely exciting noise…I’m distracted.”
Eliza’s finger piano thing is so good for Charlie that he motions for Phill to just stop. Eliza even goes “I’m happy to just do the fingers.”
Jedward: “YOU GUYS NEED TO FOCUS UHKAAYYY”
Phill: “SHUT UP!”
After a line about Johnny Rotten selling out, Jack: “Jedward have stood firm, and have refused to sell anything…even records.”
Noel: “Though to be fair, Jack, their album’s the biggest selling album this year.”
Jack: “Is it?”
Noel AND Jedward: “Yeah, in Ireland…”
Edward, before Intros, sung: “Are you REA-DY?”
Kary, confused: “…YES?!?”
Jedward and Noel’s ‘Under Pressure’ intro is aaaactually pretty good, if a bit needlessly annoying.
Noel: “I’m in Jedward! Fuck you!”
Phill, as the Under Pressure plays in, Comic Book Guy voice: “WORST. BOY BAND. EVERRR…”
Katy, right before the 2nd intro, just collapses due to the Jedwardness of it all. Shoving a prop piece of paper in her mouth and just crumbling.
Noel: “Katy’s just had an aneurysm!”
Phill, to the camera: “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s very important that you send what you can…to have Katy Brand freed from this quiz…”
Their 2nd one is, of course, Ghostbusters, and when they play it in Jon goes over and starts singing and dancing around Jack’s chair, all the while Jack’s keeping his deadpan, ‘kill me’ expression.
As if this show wasn’t insane enough…in Phill’s ID Parade, an old friend has dropped by..
This is great- the ID Parade is finding Mick Brown from Mick & Pat…but #5 is just Pat Brown. He’s just there. Grimacing a bit, even.
Eliza: “I know #4 because I’m friends with him on Facebook…”
Phill: “I don’t like to ask, as it seems a little impertinent, but have you poked him?”
Eliza: “with my fingers…”
She does the motioning she did earlier.
Phill, weak: “oh, please stop…”
Jack: “Are you gonna make your guess?”
Phill: “It’s a nice respite. The longer this round goes on….I don’t think I need to go on-”
Jack: “Yeah, you’ve made your point clear..”
Noel says he even liked Jedward, he says they behave themselves.
Edward: “We are actually really well behaved.”
Phill: “Well, within the context of this quiz, you make Dappy look like Stephen Fry.”
No joke…Jon stays frozen for five seconds before FINALLY GETTING THE JOKE and going “OH MY GOD…”
Even better, Pat Sharp returns AGAIN in Noel’s ID Parade for Pianoman. Just in sunglasses and a black coat. At least he’s getting a kick out of this.
Jon: “Why does one of them have hair and the other four are bald?”
Katy: “Because the other one’s Pat Sharp, you know, the Radio DJ. He’s in both ID Parades, that’s the joke of the round.”
Jack: “Thank you for explaining that Katy, because if I had to I’d be SICK…”
Phill and Noel agree, after that line, to switch panels…for some reason. Phill is willingly enduring all this?
Phill: ‘COME ON AND SIT WITH YOUR UNCLE PHILLIP!”
Noel: “I love you both, but you were bringing on a panic attack…”
Katy: “Phill, do you know which one Pianoman is?”
Phill: “No, but I know who Pat Sharp is, my friend…”
Jack even suggests that Jedward join the lineup so Pat Sharp can join the team instead, which everyone OVERWHELMINGLY agrees to.
I will say that Pat does a fantastic job as ‘Guest Captain’, as he’s a great personality and helps Katy and Phill swerve toward #1. Unfortunately at the end of the round he has to go back.
This is great- Next Lines, Jack gives Eliza her own lyrics…then he gives her My Fair Lady lyrics, wrong Eliza Doolittle…then he gives her DOCTOR Doolittle lyrics. Noel and Charlie are just cracking up the whole time.
Eliza: “I don’t actually know these!”
Jack: “You should! This is Doctor Doolittle! That’s your DAD!”
Phill, into Next Lines: “Boys…inside voices.”
Jon: “[Noel’s] my mom, you’re my dad, and [Jack’s] our uncle…”
Jack: “I would like a blood test.”
Jack: “If there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?”
Phill, very quickly: “Samaritans!”
After three straight Next Lines of ‘shut-up’ related lyrics.
Edward: “Are you trying to tell us something?”
Overall: Yes, even if Jedward were very annoying…this was still a very nice show, aided by some great moments and lines. It helps that Jack Dee was a great guest host, keeping everything in order while still being funny, as well as Charlie and Katy still being funny (and both captains being awesome as well). Eliza had the least to do but was still charming enough. Not necessarily rewatchable but still pretty good.
Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Jack did pretty well for himself.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Katy
Best Runner: Jedward shut up!