Nevermind Watchdown: S25E09, or Now the BEARS are gonna come..

Onto another Buzzcocks. This one I’m not as sure about, as our guest host is rapper Tinie Tempah, but Phill’s panel was Mock the Week’s Chris Ramsey and Example, who did well enough last time. Pixie Lott’s a pop singer-songwriter, and Joey Page is a ‘requisite comedian’ who hadn’t really done anything before this episode.

There’s no cold open, but everyone in the audience, including the panelists, are holding up Tinie Tempah masks.

Noel: “Is no one gonna comment on the weirdness of that beginning?”
Example: “I’m gonna keep this, I think, it might actually sell more records…”
Tinie: “It’s the first time I’ve seen an all-black audience on Nevermind the Buzzcocks…”

Example, on the Mariah dogs question: “Do the dogs have to be a certain temperature? Do they have to be, like, 36 degrees?”
Phill: “How are you gonna find out the dog’s temperature?”
Example: “…you stick your finger up its bum.”
Phill: “…I’M FAIRLY SURE, EXAMPLE, that you put a thermometer up, but if you’ve got that ability…”
Noel: “Knowing Mariah Carey, it would have been small dogs, so you could put five in and keep ’em as gloves…”
Screen Shot 2016-12-30 at 3.15.58 PM.png

They end up wrong, as Lou Reed did a gig for dogs.
Tinie: “The crowd were licking their bollocks, sniffing each other’s asses, shagging everything that moves and shitting everywhere…it was very much reminiscent of an N-Dubz gig.”
Not only does that kill the panel, but Tinie’s delivery was pretty polished on it. Example even goes “can you SAY THAT?” to Tinie. In response, Tinie, laughing it off, goes “I’ll be alright…”

Noel: “Dappy does sound a bit like a dog. I once gauged his temperature.” [mimes finger thing]
Phill: “I imagine if you do that to Dappy, the hat comes off…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-30 at 3.20.07 PM.png
Noel: “I’m a goth, I quite fancy that…she looks as if she’s lost a contact lens. It came out when I measured her temperature…”
Example: “Is it Kesha, but they forgot to blend it with anyone…”

Tinie: “Who are the two people?”
Noel, matter-of-factly: “…Marilyn Manson and Kesha.”
Tinie: “So why didn’t you say that at the beginning?”
Chris: “Tinie, have you gotta be somewhere?”

The question is which one wears their full placenta around their neck
Joey: “The whole thing? Because I’ve had a baby, and it’s quite big…”
Noel: “It’s basically a deflated spacehopper…”

Pixie: “I think we should go by photo evidence, and say there might be something hanging at the end of that chain…”
Joey: “Do you work for the FBI?”

Great moment: Chris asks what placenta looks like, and Tinie produces a bag of it, and throws it at Pixie…and they proceed to horrifiedly throw the bag around the panel. It’s a hell of a spectacle.
Phill: “WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU KIDS ABOUT THROWING OFF ALL AROUND THE STUDIO? NOW THE *BEARS* ARE GONNA COME…”

Tinie makes a joke about Chris’ accent before Intros.
Chris: “…he’d been doing this all day, it’s unbelievable…”
Phill: “You have a lovely, relaxing accent, Chris, you have to let people enjoy it, it’s like putting on your FEEEVRATE COORDEGAN…”

Tinie: “Keshia from the Sugababes shocked people in an interview by saying she’d never heard of The Doors. This was rectified in 2009, when Keshia was shown one with an exit sign above it…”
Tinie’s jokes tonight are killing it- it’s a combination of good writing and his autocue reading being chill enough

After a very confusing intro by Phill and Example.
Chris: “…can I just shoot off?”
Phill, clutching his heart: “I think I just did…”

Pixie tries getting a hint out of Phill’s team after Chris can’t get it.
Phill: “You think you’re gonna sit there like a sexy panda and bat your little eyelashes at us…and we’re gonna tell you that it’s Halo by Beyonce, WELL WE’RE NOT GONNA…”
Pixie: “…it’s not Halo by Beyonce-”
Tinie: “YES, CORRECT!”

Noel and Pixie’s ‘surround sound’ intro for Kiss’ ‘I was Made for Lovin’ You’ is a pretty great one. Even Tinie has to say ‘that was pretty good, though…’

Tinie: “Gene Simmons has the longest tongue in the music industry, apart from the one Louis Walsh has up Simon Cowell’s ass…”
ANOTHER ONE HITS!

Noel: “The reason that I am dressed like this is because I’m babysitting for Tim Burton’s kids later…”
Screen Shot 2016-12-30 at 3.46.00 PM.png

On Noel and Pixie’s ‘Barbara Streisand’ intro
Joey: “If I don’t get this, I’m gonna sleep in the dog’s house tonight…”
Phill: “AND WHERE WILL THE DOG SLEEP?”
Example holds up a finger.

Tinie: “Barbara Streisand thanks Liza Minnelli for her big break, as she convinced her to ignore criticisms that she looked funny. So chin up, Example, things are gonna be alright…”

Before the clip ends for Phill’s ID Parade, the audience, and Tinie start laughing, and we don’t know why…until we see:
Screen Shot 2016-12-30 at 3.51.15 PM.png
“#1, desperate but not so serious…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-30 at 3.52.32 PM.png“#5, the Mayor of Scunthorpe…”

Example, to Joey: “What number are you?”
Joey: “I’m the answer…”

They actually allow the Mayor to talk, and give some nice lines, though it does seem a bit too artificial given Tinie’s ‘I’ve never been to Scunthorpe’ runner.
Noel: “Are you free to host the show next week?”

Joey: “Three of them have got flip-flips on…that is not acceptable.”
Noel: “They must have worn flip-flips onstage, otherwise, why would they be in flip-flops…”
Phill: “ATHLETES’S FOOT.”

No Next Lines this week, but they at least do a round where, given a line from a musical autobiography, they have to guess whose it is. It’s like the Charles Dance round from the Big Fat Quizzes, just…without Charles Dance.

Overall: Middle of the road show, but still pretty funny. Tinie was a great host, and had some great autocue reads, even if he wasn’t perfect. Very minimalistic panel, with Example and Joey having some great nights, Chris having a few great lines, and Pixie having a smaller but still pretty fun night. The ‘Scunthorpe’ gimmick was amusing, but took a bit too much away from the show.

Guest Host Rating: 8.5/10
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Example
Best Runner: Finger up the bum

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QI Watchdown: H12 (Horses and Hunting)

Puzzler here, I’d say. This is the last episode of the season for Dara O’Briain, and for Jimmy Carr. Also, for some reason, sportscaster Claire Balding is here. Hey, whatever they want.

the first question concerns manure
Alan: “My mother used to scrape it from off the street…and put it in my dad’s hat. No…”

Claire says she actually doesn’t think horse poo is that bad, at least not compared to dog poo.
Jimmy: “Hang on, are we comparing poos now, is this what the game is? If so, then this show has CHANGED!”

Jimmy says that slipping on a banana peel came from the actual trend of slipping on horse manure.
Dara: “You see, that makes a lot of sense, because I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever slipped on a banana pee-”
Alan raises his hand.
Jimmy: “That is a COMMITMENT to comedy…”
Stephen: “Was this in comedy school, or once you graduated…”
Alan: “No, this was in the chapel market, in Islington…”

Stephen says that the motorcar saved the roads in New York, after the horse manure problem
Jimmy: “Did Jeremy Clarkson put you up to this?”

On the advantage to a guide-horse over a guide-dog
Alan: “Won’t shag the leg of every random passerby…”
Jimmy: “Though, if it does, I think it’s more of a problem…”

Stephen says a disadvantage would be in a bar or restaurant, a dog could at least curl up or hide under the table, and a horse couldn’t. Alan and Dara just start miming leaving a horse in the bar. Alan even goes “You go home, I’m gonna STAY…”

Dara compares a horse getting up out of bed to a video game character.
Alan, deadpan: “Dara hasn’t played a video game since the 1980’s…”
Dara looks at him like “…yeah, maybe, but…”

On what horses can’t do.
Jimmy: “They can’t vomit. And that’s why they get that…weird thing, where they die.”
Alan: “Can’t get the ol’ hoof down the throat…”

Stephen: “When did humans start using dogs as a guide-”
Jimmy: “I reckon it’s gonna be something like Roman.”
Stephen: “You’re absolutely right…”
Jimmy: “It’s always Roman, innit? Have you not seen this show before?”

Stephen: “How would you use one of THESE to calm a horse down?”
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 8.45.31 PM.png
Alan: “Calm it down? What I’m thinking of’s not gonna calm it down…”
Jimmy: “Have these been used? Cause if they are what I think they are, I don’t think I wanna touch it…”

After Claire gets the question right
Stephen: “She knows, she knows…”
Dara, the voice of reason: “Of COURSE she knows, she’s Claire Balding!”
Claire: “I couldn’t let Alan get any more, but I thought ‘oh, yeah, might as well give ‘im a go, but he was nearly right…”

Dara and Alan are playing around with the horse prop
Jimmy: “Is this like Whose Line is it Anyway, from, like, 10 years ago?”
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 8.49.23 PM.png

Stephen talks about how bulldogs were trained and bred to pull down bulls by their lips, but it’s unclear how successful they were judging by the photo:
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 8.52.20 PM.png
Alan: “…hasn’t gone so well in that picture, has it?”

Stephen: “How do you do the opposite [to a horse]?”
Dara: “…just hit ’em in the nada…”
Stephen: “Further back, actually…”
Dara: “Really, in the bum?”
Stephen: “Yes, but what, in the bum, is what I want to know”
Dara: “Well, anything, really, is gonna get you afraid…”
Jimmy: “I think it’s more the act of putting it in there.”
Alan, buzzing in: “Ice cube. Or…a  popsicle…”
Jimmy: “Sounds like there won’t be a story there…”
Alan: “Brings me back to the hot summer of ’76…”
Dara: “‘We’re always out of popsicles!’ ‘AGAIN?'”

Claire: “I always liked the milk ones…”
Stephen: “But purely for consumption, right Claire?”
Dara: “Yeah, I really don’t think flavor is a major issue when you talk about the ones you shove up your ass…”

Dara, on Westerns on TV: “Bit of a letdown, Champion the Wonder-Horse. Because it was a great title sequence. ‘CHAMPIOOON, THE WON-DER HORSE’ ‘WHEEEEHH’ That’s kind of all he did.”
Alan: “In the end, y’now, he’s a horse…so…”
Dara: “If they cut to Champion taking a blind person shopping, then…”

Stephen: “What is this sound?”
[Sound clip plays]
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 9.17.16 PM.png
Jimmy: “…I’m gonna say it’s that bear.”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “WHAT? In the conventions of television, if you show a picture of something…”

There’s a question about online hunting, which leads to this visual:
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 9.22.21 PM.png
Claire, on the photo: “Always look ahead, Jimmy…”
Dara: “I’m sorry, are you commenting on his horsemanship here? Claire…that’s not actually him on the horse…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 9.25.09 PM.pngAlan: “He’s got that all wrong…straight away. ‘GET OFF MAH LAND!’ ‘Uhhh the gun…is not in your hands…”

Stephen: “What happened to the war-horses that survived?”
Alan: “They…settled in the south of France, opened a Caravan park?”
Jimmy: “Of course, they couldn’t learn the language. Had to end up moving back.”

For the first time ever, or since David’s been on, a klaxon has been specifically engineered for Claire Balding. Stephen asks what color the Lone Ranger’s horse it. Claire, being a horse expert, guesses grey…and it’s wrong. Alan, being Alan, guesses white…and is correct.

Stephen: “Although all thoroughbred grays are descended from one gray…”
Alan: “Jesus.”
Stephen: “…it was a wild stab in the dark. If it would have come off, my god would you have gotten points…”

Stephen: “How many horsepower do you get from one horse.”
Dara and Jimmy argue about which one will actually take the fall.
Jimmy: “Shall I take the bullet? Alright, I’d say about one.”
KLAXON

Stephen: “What weapon did 19th century whalers use to kill whales?”
Alan, hesitantly: “…arrrre ya lookin’ for a harpoon?”
KLAXON

Yes, Claire wins, but I kind of thought she’d win by more than one…

Overall: One of the weaker installments of the already middle-of-the-road Series H. Not that this didn’t have some fun moments, it’s just that the presence of Claire, while welcome, stopped a lot of the more collaborative jokes from happening, and it really never got off the ground. A few questions led to some nice conversations, and Dara had a funny night, while Jimmy played a Jupitus-esque game and argued against his klaxons, but…it was an imperfect, quieter show.

MVP: Dara
Best Guest: Jimmy
Show Winner: Claire
Best QI Fact: seeing eye horse.

Nevermind Watchdown: S25E08 or TONIGHT…FORTY PERCENT!

As we begin to wind down Series 25, which is just now beginning to catch fire, we hand over the guest hosting gig to one of those ‘punchline hosts’, similar to David Hasselhoff, or…eventually Michael Bolton. James Blunt, famed for ‘You’re Beautiful’, and….yeah, is in the chair tonight, after a decent enough panel performance last year. The panel doesn’t look bad either, with Sarah Millican and ACTUAL JAMAICAN RAPPER SEAN PAUL, as well as McFly’s Harry Judd, who was appearing on Strictly at the time, and ‘requisite comedian’ Matthew Crosby

The cold open is a particularly odd one- thanks to all the barbs NMTB has had toward James Blunt over the years, and thanks to an Apocalypse Now-esque flashback, James Blunt arrives at BBC studios with a gigantic tank, only for Noel and Phill to flag him down, saying they want him to host. Again, these cold opens got to be pretty high-concept, even for a cheap panel show.

On Rihanna’s S&M video, Noel: “I don’t know what it means, but I’ve got an erection…”

After Sarah, with her South Shore accent, and Sean, with his Jamaican accent, try to communicate with each other.
Noel: “I’m gonna be interpreting for these two tonight…”

James: “Sean, what is Rihanna all about?”
Sean: “Oh, S&M…that sort of thing…”
Sarah: “I’m more about M&S…”

Noel: “I never thought that pyramids had steps, I thought they were smooth. So when I was out there, and saw that it had steps, I said ‘fuck it’, and went home.”
Matthew: “You’d brought your BMX, hadn’t you? You were gonna ride it down?”

On Rihanna’s supposed ‘oversexualization’ of a traffic cone.
Sarah: “Like, is there an appropriate amount of sexual behavior towards a traffic cone? Like ‘oh, it was a bit too much, though…’ I mean, I thought they were much better. Now that I’ve seen them up close, it’s probably feasible, isn’t it?”
Noel, with the cone: “What way would you put it in??? SIDEWAYS??”

Once Noel hears that the cone answer was wrong, and it was actually giving tattoos without a license, he just tosses the cone off the desk. It’s a nice little moment.

After saying that Rihanna tattooed someone a picture of an umbrella without a license.
James: “I think it’s desperately sad when a talented singer like that becomes associated with just one song.”
[“You’re Beautiful” plays in]
James: “…I delivered that [joke] incredibly badly, I’m sorry…I know my weaknesses. I’m a singer.”
Noel: “…sort of.”

Phill does a joke about Myleene’s babies punching to get out, “you know, at the bottom”
Matthew: “Hang on a second, it doesn’t come out the BOTTOM, does it?”
Phill: “I don’t know, I haven’t got a MAP!”
Noel: “I have got a womb map, if you want to borrow it…it’s like an old treasure map.”
Phill: “GO LEFT AT THE CERVIX. ARRRRR. AND THEN YOU’LL FIND THE DOUBLE-DECKER BUS…”

Noel, a la Sarah: “Duuble Dicka!”
Phill: “I’d love to hear her say Toblerone.”
Sarah, shrugs: “TOOBLERUNE!”
Phill: “I’d like a Sarah Millican SatNav. “Oooh, DOON’T GOO THAT WEEIGH!”

On the Pope Toilet Roll:
Sarah: “I’d rather have somebody I like on my toilet roll, just to see them more often.”
Matthew: “Yeah, and then rub shit on their face??”
Sarah: “If they were a true friend, they’d take it.”

James: “I’m gonna have to push you for an answer…”
Phill: “You can push us all you want, tank boy…”

Noel: “I was telling Sean that I had a friend from Jamaica, his name was Jason. They’d say ‘oh, what’s your name’, and he’s say ‘JEEEAAASAAAAN….” And he’d just…immediately get laid.”

Noel and Sean’s first intro for Sarah is, well, “you’re Beautiful”
Sarah: “I know this one, it’s the one that really grated everyone, what was it…annoying, what is it…”

And, of course, James has to do a joke about himself.
James: “a six year old woke up from a coma after hearing that song on hospital radio. It was a beautiful moment, until she sat up and said “turn that shit off…”

After Sean cracks up reading the intro card
Noel: “Don’t look at me like some…happier, friendlier Mr. T…”

Sarah doesn’t know Sean and Noel’s next one, but the tune’s so catchy that the entire panel, and some of the audience, start singing and pounding along to it.

After a James standout about Kelly Jones from the Stereophonics
Noel: “Wait, Kelly from the Stereophonics says ‘people might see me as a hard man’? WHO?? He’s a hobbit in a leather jacket!”
James: “Have you looked in a mirror recently?”
Noel: “YOU CAN TALK…we had to get you a rope ladder for the tank…”

The panel has a nice discussion about Sesame Street, after James says he got on there.
Noel: “Was Mr. Snuffleupagus Sesame Street?”
Matthew: “Yeah, he was Big Bird’s best friend.”
Noel: “Was he imaginary, or was he real.”
Matthew: “I mean, I think they’re all *FAKE*…”
Noel: “HOW DARE YOU…you’ll be telling me Fraggle Rock wasn’t real in a minute…”

On Phill and Harry’s Pussycat Dolls intro:
James: “Can we hear that one more time, please? I just need to really…get into that.”
Phill: “I think you’ve been into this enough, from what I understand, Mr. Blunt…”
James, slightly embarrassed: “Oh. You heard about that.”
Phill: “Yes, I think the world has heard…about you and your dirty penis…which I’m sure you keep scrupulously clean, I mean, you know…”
James: “I would like to assure our viewers that it is absolutely clean…”
Noel: “It’s not dirty, that’s just camouflage…”

After the song plays in
Phill: “How many of them, be fair James…”
Noel: “HOW MANY HAVE YOU TOUCHED WITH YOUR CAMOUFLAGE PENIS…”
James: “20%”
[LOUD JUPITUS GIGGLING]
Noel: “Have you ever done it in a tank?”

James, introing ID Parade: “For Noel’s team, how about some late 90’s girl group sex- GIRL GROUP POP…”

Noel, to Sean: “You’re a musician…”
Sean: “Yeah. I think so.”
Phill: “I know you smoke a bit, Sean, but to NOT REMEMBER WHAT YOUR JOB IS…that is taking a habit way too far…”
Noel: “Sean, what do you do? ‘Let me just check on my passport…”

Nice gag before Phill’s ID Parade: a lineup of girls in camo uniforms come out after the intro clip, and James quickly goes “Ah, no, SHIT, that’s a cock-up. Those girls weren’t supposed to come here, they were supposed to go to my dressing room. I’ll be through in a minute when I’m rid of all these guys…”
Sarah: “Will you be sorting one of them out? Just 20% of that lot?”
Phill: “I looked in his eyes then, and d’you know what I saw? ‘TONIGHT…40%!”

On the actual ID Parade, of 5 keyboardist guys
Noel: “Are you taking THIS lot to your dressing room?”
James: “This is all for you, baby…”

Harry: “#2 looks like a grown-up baby.”
Matthew: “As in, like, AN ADULT?”

Next Lines (WHICH IS BACK, YAAAY)
James: “You can do all the things you’d like to do…”
Phill: “And tomorrow…do the other 80%..”

James: “I like big butts and I cannot lie.”
Noel: “…James Blunt?”

After James completely butchers some Sean Paul lyrics, and Sean does a great deal back to him…and then James does the actual line.
Noel: “That’s like the football scores…’East Fife, 4, Dem Shoogy Shoogy, 3…”

James: [reads another Sean Paul line]
Sean: [doubles over laughing]
Noel: “…Everton, 2…”

James’s signoff is “I’m off to see how many models I can fuck in a tank- FIT IN A TANK. Goodnight!”

Overall: Our fourth really great show in a row, thanks to James Blunt not only being a good host, but being game enough while everyone on the panel was fucking with him, including the writers. The panel was quieter, but Sarah and Matthew had good nights, Sean had a lot of fun, especially in Next Lines, and Harry was pretty quiet. Good show, with some fantastic moments.

Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Great job James.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Sarah
Best Runner: 20%

Nevermind Watchdown: S25E07, or “We Think it’s Number Thr-AAAIIIIIGHHH!

Every once in a while, Buzzcocks will give me rock’n’roll chills.

Doesn’t happen often, but the occasional appearance of a rock LEGEND on the show, like Lemmy Kilmister, Slash, Meat Loaf or Jimmy Cliff, does give me the rock goosebumps. And tonight, we get the crowning achievement, a rock panelist that was so awesome that he got to host the show. And that…is Alice Goddamned Cooper.

Alice gets to host a nice enough show, especially considering that Noel gets an extraordinary tight panel of Olly Murs and Rufus Hound. Also on the panel are Penny Smith, a TV presenter who last appeared in the Amy Winehouse meltdown episode (“Penny, this is not my penis, it’s only a friendly mouse…), and  rapper Wretch 32.

In quite possibly one of the greatest guest host intros in NMTB history, Alice gets on the intercom, and says “hello, my name is Alice Cooper, and welcome…to my nightmare.” Then, with a puff of black smoke and a flicker of the lights, he appears, and…it’s absolutely awesome. He just lives this. The crowd eats it up, too.
Of course, immediately afterward, the character drops, and he bashfully says “awright, siddown…”

Alice, in the ‘year of’ question, does confirm that he broke 6 ribs in a stage-dive.
Penny: “Was that the first-ever leap into the audience that anyone ever did?”
Phill: “The first stage dive, and the audience just didn’t know what you did…’WHAT’S HE DOING???”
Alice: “I bled all over everybody, it was great.”
Phill: “And normally, a rock star is spilling different fluids at a gig…”
Alice: “Yeah, I like to keep my blood…[to the camera]…and yours.”

Someone brings up Lorraine Kelly:
Phill: “Does she ask about me?”
Penny: “Every single time I see her…”
Phill: “I still think of her every time I wax my legs…”
Wretch, confused: “You wax your legs?”
Phill: “Awwwww yeah…I just looked ’round at a grime artist and went ‘aawwww yeah.'”
Noel: “You got your legs waxed ON THIS SHOW…”
Phill: “Let’s try that again.”
Wretch: “You wax your legs?”
Phill: “True dat.”

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 8.49.51 PM.pngNoel: “What I love about this ABBA picture is that is looks like they’ve been shipwrecked, and they’re going “THERE’S A HELICOPTER, HELP UUUSSS!!!”

Penny talks about accidentally backing into David Bowie at a party.
Noel: “Were you in a car? Were you doing your driving test?”

Noel: “Was he in his Labyrinth outfit?”
Alice: “Yeah, that was a good look…”
Phill: “It’d be great if you backed into him and he said “you’ll never find your little bay-bayyy…”

Penny: “I actually spoke to Dustin Hoffman as well- well, actually I backed into him-”
Noel: “Do you walk backwards?”

On why Bowie broke into a mental ward
Wretch: “Maybe he forgot his key?”
There’s a 5 second shot of Wretch looking around, wondering why people are laughing.

Rufus: “What happened to Mika?”
Noel: “He’s in my basement, tied to a radiator…He can have food, but he’s making no music ever again…”

Rufus is going off about Avril Lavigne.
Rufus: “I once went past Hammersmith apollo, and there was a queue outside, and I said ‘I wonder who’s on’, and it was Avril Lavigne. I just thought ‘if everyone in there died, then no one would cry.”
Wretch: “…I was in that queue…”

Olly, towards Rufus: “What, d’you think 2007, maybe?”
Noel: “DON’T ASK HIM, HE’S INSANE!”

Alice: “How did the police upset my friend Ozzy Osbourne in 2007”
Rufus: “Did they insist on a rectal examination?”
Alice: “No, that would have been okay with him, I think…”
Phill: “I can see him now…he’s that absent-minded. ‘SHARROOOOON…’S THAT YOOOU?”

Alice: “This probably should have happened to Sting…”
Rufus: “They give him the electric chair?”

This week, thanks to Alice’s presence, the Intros are rock-themed. One of the few guest-host-based changes that I’m perfectly fine with.

The Elvis story that Alice tells, about going to Elvis’ place in an elevator with Liza Minnelli, Chubby Checker and Linda Lovelace, is a classic- I’d actually heard it before on 60 minutes or something. But it’s still fantastic, and I’m not gonna reprint it here but it’s a killer story.

Noel: “I’m still reeling over the fact that you were there with Liza Minnelli. He must have thought you were sisters…”
Alice: “Now, only 3 of us came down that night, so I have no idea what he was doing with Chubby Checker all night…”

Noel’s 2nd Intro is, well, Poison by Alice Cooper, which Alice helps Rufus get by saying “the lead singer’s really sexy…”

Excerpt from Penny trying to guess Phill’s 1st intro
Penny: “Down…down, Status Quo?”
Phill: “It’s not words…”
Penny: “Kylie Minogue?”
Phill: “ROCK THEMED ROUND…”

The G’NR intro leads to a discussion about Slash:
Phill: “He once came on the show, and we were pestering him to tell anecdotes about Guns ‘N Roses, and I went ‘come on, you must have had some amazing gigs, and he went ‘one time we played in London, and uh…my hat melted…”

Alice: “Slash, though, was not the first to wear a top hat…”
Phill: “…ABRAHAM LINCOLN!”

Penny: “Is this one rock-themed”
Phill: [facepalm]
Wretch: “easy…”

Phill even says “tell you what, we’ll even do the first vocal bit.”
Of course, the intro’s School’s Out for Summer, so they just motion to Alice once they finish the intro…and nothing happens.
Penny: “…I thought you said you were gonna do the vocal bit…”
Phill: “…yeah, well I had the FUCKING SINGER HERE, i thought he might do it…”

Alice just hums the tune…along with MOST OF THE PANEL.
Noel: “You MUST KNOW IT…if you don’t know this, you have to leave…”
Penny: “It’s Alice Cooper!”
Noel: “YES!”
Penny: “…I don’t know what it’s called…”
Everyone: [facepalm]

Noel: “IT’S SCHOOL’S OUT!”
Penny: “SCHOOL’S OUT! And I know that one!”
Phill: “APPARENTLY YOU DOOOON’T!”

Another member of Napalm Death is on the ID Parade, although a different clip is shown, instead of the usual one [“RRRRRR!! RRRRRRR!!!”]

Phill: “I’m gonna get #4 to explain the plot of LOST to me…”
Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 9.33.12 PM.png

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 9.36.05 PM.pngRufus: “I have to say…I don’t think I’m ever gonna sleep again…If we don’t finish this up quickly, #3’s gonna die…”

Noel: “So maybe it’s something kind of bigger, but #50”
Rufus: “We’re talking Alice Motherfucking Cooper here. He’s not gonna come out with a corn snake!”

Olly manages to frighten Noel with something he thinks is a snake
Noel: “We think it’s Number thr-AAAIIIGHH!”
Olly: “Just giving you your feather back!”
Noel: “I thought you produced a snake out of your denim jacket!”
[Phill is absolutely crying]
Noel: “Sorry, I am on mushrooms…”
Rufus: “Good to know that, when flustered, Noel becomes a Victorian lady…”

Instead of a sendoff line for the ID Parade guest, as it’s his snake and it’s a bunch of lookalikes, Alice just said “now guest-hosting BBC pop quizzes, Alice Cooper, ladies and gentlemen…”

The Next Lines swap-out round is a ‘guess the name of the album’ round, which…sort of works, I guess.

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 9.51.09 PM.pngNoel: “I Seem To Be Inside My Own Drink…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 9.52.42 PM.pngNoel: “HUBBA BUBBA TIT-STRETCH!”

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 9.54.52 PM.pngPhill: “It’s Bacon Week with the Hairy Bikers.”
Wretch: “I’m a Pig, Get Me Out of Here!”

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 9.56.19 PM.png

Oh, Aphex Twin…

Wretch: “I’ve Got Something On My Chest”

Trying to name Alice’s new album
Alice: “I’ve already named an album this title.”
Phill: “Alice Cooper’s Greatest Hits II”
Alice: “Think scarier.”
Phill, spookier voice: “…ALICE COOPER’S GREATEST HITS TWOOOO…”
Paul Merton’s gonna sue his ass…

Overall: Another really nice show, courtesy of a pretty-sharp panel and an exceptionally game Alice Cooper. Rufus had the best lines, but Wretch was an unlikely soundbite machine, and Penny had some great moments. Alice was spinning stories, keeping the game moving, and basking in his rock persona. It was just a really fun show, with only a few nitpicks along the way.

Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Pretty close to perfect.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Rufus
Best Runner: Alice Cooper…existing, I guess…

QI Watchdown: H11 (Highs and Lows)

Another episode featuring someone who hasn’t been on since the early series’, which seems to be a theme this series, tonight’s features the return of Fred MacAulay, proud scotsman and friend to Greg Proops. Also here tonight is our second Sandi Toksvig episode of the series, and our first Rob Brydon episode of the series, so it might be a pretty good one.

The buzzers are a series of ascending sung high notes, except for Alan’s which is a disastrously low note.

Fred helps Stephen pick out a few tartans onscreen, only for Stephen to say that the whole tartan thing is rather recent, and not as important as people have been led to believe.
Fred: “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to continue, Stephen, I’m welling up…”

Stephen explains that everyone could get away with wearing the Stewart tartan, as it’s appropriate, as subjects of the Queen.
Sandi: “But I couldn’t wear it.”
Stephen: “Right, you’re not a British subject-”
Sandi: “No, I’m Danish…”
Stephen: “Is there a Danish tartan…perhaps made of a pastry?”
Sandi, after a laugh: “Yes, that’s our entire culture in a nutshell…you forgot the PORN films, you silly boy…”

Stephen mentions that Americans call tartans ‘plaid’.
Stephen: “D’you know where the word plaid comes from?”
Fred: “…means TARTAN!”

Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 11.31.49 PM.pngAlan: “He didn’t know how to put that on, did he? “oHHH…If I move, it’ll fall off…just take the picture…”

Fred: “A lot of people will be wondering what a Scotsman wears under his kilt. A true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears underneath his kilt, but he’ll show you at the drop of a hat…”
Stephen: “I’ve seen dandruff on the shoes, that’s a giveaway…”
The whole audience “OHHHHHH….”s here.
Sandi: “I don’t feel well, now…”

Sandi talks about her private school making girls wear two different pairs of pants to prevent boys from tearing them off.
Sandi: “They were terrified that we’d have anything to do with boys. Meanwhile, I was in a dorm full of girls, and quite happy…”
Stephen: “I was gonna say…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 11.38.20 PM.pngSandi: “Oof…he’s a big boy…”
Rob, saying his first line of the show: “Good to see Mel Smith getting back out into the public eye…”

After the caber-tossing footage, Rob: “That could just be a man in early January disposing of his Christmas tree.”

Stephen, to Fred: “Do you know anything about the great Donald Dinny?”
Fred: “Donald Dinny…that’s an instruction, in Scotland. DONALD! DINN’E! WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE THINKING OF, DONALD! DINN’E! DENNY, YOU CAN, BUT DONALD…DINN’E!”

On why Haggis was smuggled from Canada to the US for Burns Night
Sandi: “Because the US does not approve of inedible food.”

Fred talks about this Scottish poem for Burns Night which was translated to German, and then back to English, and through mistranslation, the phrase “chieftain’s people” and whatnot read as “Mighty Fuhrer of the Sausage People.”
Stephen, over applause: “Oh, that’s fabulous! That should stay!”

Stephen: “I heard a Scotsman say “Oh, I don’t know why you English people go on about our accent being impenetrable. Americans find it easy to understand, easier than English.” And then I saw Trainspotting in America and there were subtitles all the way through…”

Stephen asks where Chinese Burns night takes place:
Sandi: “Chinese Burns Night? Isn’t that something unpleasant underneath your wrist??”

Stephen: “After scaling Everest, what did Sir Edmund Hillary do for an encore?”
Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 12.18.17 AM.png
Alan: “He had a massive teeth-off with Sherpa Ten-Sing.”

Rob realizes he looks a TON like Hillary.
Sandi: “Did he become a Welsh comedian?”
Rob: ‘Me or him?”

Rob: “There’s not much you can do with it, though…”
Alan: “You can do a Kiwi accent…”
Rob, Kiwi accent: “I mean, sure, I’ve climbed a lot of mountains in my time…but it’s not something to go on aBEEET…I’m sorry, I’m struggling-”
Alan: “Needs a bit of work, there, Rob…”

Rob: “I remember, after that photo was taken…we had a hell of a day. I had just finished telling a joke to my friend there, and he was PISSING himself…”
Stephen: “What was his name?”
Rob: “His name was Bert…”
Alan: “His name was Sherpa Ten-Sing…”
Rob: “Well, yes, but TO HIS FRIENDS…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 12.24.49 AM.png
Stephen: “Here he is, looking slightly less like Rob at this angle…”
Rob: “Who does he look like here…he looks like Edmund Hillary..”
Sandi: “He does look kind of awkward, like, “yes, I am going to marry her, because I LOVE her…”
Rob: “In that picture I look more like the chap in the drawing, actually…”

Stephen: “Speaking of Yetis, what would be the quickest way of getting Brian Blessed to the top of Everest?”
Rob: “Tell him they’re putting on a production of Peter Pan…Ken Branagh’s directing…and he’s a shoo in for Captain Hook.”
Stephen: [LOUD UNINTELLIGIBLE BLESSED IMPRESSION]

Fred: “You say he went 28,000 feet without oxygen, but he had to have had some…”
Stephen: “Sorry, without the assistance…”
Rob: “HE HELD HIS BREATH ALL THE WAY!”

Rob: “He’s not really as prized as he should be, Brian Blessed…”
Stephen: “He calls me Spunk-Bubble. ‘HALLO SHPUNK BUBBLE, HOUGH AH YOOUUGH?”
Rob: “MAYBE THAT’S THE REASON WHY HE’S NOT AS PRIZED…’IF ONLY I HADN’T CALLED STEPHEN FRY A SPUNK-BUBBLE!”
Alan, mid-laughter: “Why does he c…”
Rob: “NO. WE DON’T WANNA KNOW. WE REALLY DON’T…”
Stephen: “It’s another explanation…”
Rob: “And did he do it without oxygen??”

Stephen: “There are other ways of telling temperature…”
Alan: “Finger in your bum.”
Stephen has several stages of reaction. First he gives a direct No. Then a confused look, then a ‘yeah’, then an aroused look, then back to the panel. It’s fascinating, really.

Stephen: “No, I, uh..the field cricket.”
Alan: “Oh, of course, sorry, field cricket in your bum…”

On the chirping cricket increasing temperature.
Rob: “Well it makes sense, if you’re in the hot country, if you’re tossing at night and can’t get off-”

Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 12.56.14 AM.png

(“uhhhh…phrasing?”)

Rob: “NO. NO. NO. NO.”
Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 12.57.18 AM.pngScreen Shot 2016-12-24 at 12.57.32 AM.png

Rob: “NO. I’M SIMPLY NOT HAVING IT.”
Sandi: “…sounds like it.”

On how an Englishman and Frenchman met in the middle of a tunnel under the channel, and how the communicated.
Rob: “Sonar?”
Alan: “Shouting.”
Stephen: “No, not shouting.”
Alan: “H’LOOOO THERE.’ ‘QUI, WE AH HEEEREE…” ‘WE GOT PAST YOU!”

About a Colonel who missed in the channel, and “went home and shot himself.”
Rob: “Did he hit?”

The first question of GI:
Stephen: “Name a country where English is the official language.”
THE ENTIRE PANEL: “….”
Stephen: “Oh, my children!”
Fred guesses Wales…and is somehow correct. Of course, Alan guesses England and gets a Klaxon.

Rob, as a joke: “FRANCE!”
Stephen: “…no.”
Rob: “D’you know when you’re thinking, and you think to yourself ‘is it, it sounds so crazy’, and then you say ‘go on, leap into the abyss’-”
Stephen: “Odd use of the word ‘thinking’.”
Rob:
Screen Shot 2016-12-24 at 1.12.43 AM.png

Stephen: “We’re looking for the official name for a phobia of heights.”
Alan: “Height-o-phobia.”
Stephen: “…usually they’re in greek…”

Alan spends most of GI getting pretty much every Klaxon in the book, which is a nice throwback to Series B, sort of like this show.

Overall: A good show, though shockingly devoid of any standout moments. There were several good lines, and it was a nice panel, but, aside from Alan, nobody was really collaborating with each other. The dynamic was low, and even if I wrote a lot, it still couldn’t break out of ‘okay’ for me, which is a shame, because Fred had a pretty strong start, Rob had a lot of good lines, and Sandi was great at drawing conclusions here. Solid enough, but flawed.

MVP: Rob
Best Guest: Sandi
Show Winner: Fred
Best QI Fact: Edmund Hillary and the Yeti
Best Runner: Brian Blessed

Nevermind Watchdown: S25E06, or Anyone For a Vajazzle?

Oooooh. This is gonna be interesting.

Phill Jupitus, the once and future king of Buzzcocks, only missed one show in the series’ complete history, and we have arrived at that show. It was do to a random sickness, and the producers weren’t pushing the shoot.

However…they got quite possibly the most fitting replacement for Phill, on his only absence. They got Frankie Boyle.

So now, on an episode where Greg Davies is supposed to Guest Host, and featuring a pretty nice panel with appearances from Tinchy “De Knickas” Stryder, Holly Walsh, for some reason Ian “H” Watkins (from Steps), and Amy Childs from The Only Way is Essex (as, in Phill’s absence, there has to be at least some Essex presence on the panel)…Frankie Boyle’s gonna come in and ANNIHILATE the dynamic.

The cold open, of course, has to explain this- it’s Noel’s answering machine, and Phill, calling Noel “Field-mouse”, calling in sick from “the Gadhaffi funeral’, and saying they’ve got a really big comedian to host…cut to GIGANTIC Greg.

And yes, Greg introduces Frankie as “children’s author and family favorite”, so at least they all know what they’re getting into. Also…I can imagine putting Frankie on the same panel as H from Steps may have been an ingenious move from a producer. At least it wasn’t Dappy.

Oh gosh, even better, Frankie Boyle has to talk about Justin Bieber. It’s as if they’d been answering my mail.

This is another round where they’re given props, and Frankie, of course, gets bagpipes. He even smiles as he holds them up.

On which of them ruining a Justin Bieber gig:
Frankie: “The only thing that could really ruin a Justin Bieber gig would be a gun jamming in the darkness…”
AND WE’RE OFF!

Frankie: “A genderless…obviously sexless, though if he was in prison, he’d get thrown about like a dog toy…I would do him in a pinch, d’you know what I mean?”
Amy: “But I love Justin Bieber!”
Greg: “Not necessarily a bad thing to imagine Frankie having sex with him, is it, Amy?”
Amy: “No, that’s disgusting, I don’t even wanna think about that…”
Frankie: “Well, you are in for a long show…”

Amy: “I just can’t say anything bad about him…”
Noel: “Really? Try. It’s pretty easy…”

Greg: “Tinchy, people of extreme height have to stick together. When I went to Thorpe Park. they wouldn’t let me on the rides either…”

Holly, during the pe-jazzling conversation: “You ever seen a porno where a vajazzle and a pejazzle meet?”
Frankie: “It’d be like Alien vs. Predator…”

Greg: “If I dipped my testicles in glue, and dragged them along the floor of a barber’s, would that be considered a pejazzle?”
Frankie: “You’ve stolen that from an episode of art-attack, haven’t you?’

Noel: “I think the only reason they got you into it is cause they like how you say [perfect Amy voice] VA-JAZZULLL…”
Amy: “Do I really talk like that? I don’t know how I talk.”
Noel: “No, you talk like this: [Proper, manly voice]: Vajazzle! Like Roger Moore. Watch James Bond, that’s how you talk. ‘Anyone for a vajazzle?'”

On the Steps reunion, Greg: “Which one of Steps is MOST doing it for the money.”
H: “…Nobody’s DESPERATE!”
Noel: “What I love about that is you could have gone “well, nobody’s desperate”, but instead you went “NOBODY’S DESPERATE!!!!”

Greg: ‘So you had a falling out?”
H: “Well, Claire and I went off and did our thing?”
Greg: “So the other 3. Which is the one you hate most out of the three?”
H: “I DON’T HATE ANY OF THEM!”
Greg, to the camera: “It’s Lee Latchford-Evans, ladies and gentlemen…”

Greg says that Dido publicly slagged Steps off, saying they were depressing.
H, heartbroken: “I…SHE’S A TWO-FACED BITCH!”

Greg: “Which of the objects d’you think ruined the gig?”
Frankie: “We don’t know, we don’t care…H, THE HOPE HAS DIED IN YOUR EYES…”

Amy: “Why don’t you do a collaboration together…Steps and Tinchy? How does that sound?”
Tinchy, knowing he can’t but trying to hide it: “You know what? I…I dunno, man…”

I’ve slagged off some of the producer gimmicks this season, but they’ve got a good one here. Greg pulls out Tinchy’s book of rejected names, which is…very small. And Tinchy’s even playing along, saying “I REMEMBER THAT BOOK!”
Some of the ones in there are 1Pac, Not Very B.I.G., Busta Nursery Rhymes

Frankie, on Greg and Tinchy: “It’s like the two of you are from Different dimensions…”
Greg: “I thought you were gonna say ‘Diff’rent Strokes…”
Frankie AND H absolutely lose it at that one.

Tinchy says he doesn’t talk about the price tags on his bling, but his best one costs “as much as a Range Rover.”
Greg: “Oh, so 40 grand…”
Tinchy: “You good with maths?”
Greg: “No, I just know how much a Range Rover costs…”
Frankie: “WHAT RAPPER *HINTS* about the value of his bling? RAPPERS DON’T *HINT!*”
Greg: “I’m not telling you how much my bling costs, but…if you had a range-rover…”
Noel: “Yeah, a RangeRover’s like the most middle-class thing you could’ve picked…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 4.24.10 PM.pngGreg: “D’you know what strikes me about those three props? I just think you’re perfectly placed to recreate the death of Abraham Lincoln…”

Noel’s team takes turns trying to fire the nerf-gun at Greg, and Tinchy finally hits him…which leads Greg to, embarrassedly, go “RIGHT. GAME’S OVER. TINCHY’S RUINED IT FOR YOU ALL…”

Greg: “I have now been shot in the face by a rapper, though, that’s pretty fucking awesome…”

Noel, on P. Diddy: “He’s got a butler called Bentley, too” [Fonzworth, that is]
Greg: “What’s he cost? About the price of a Bentley? EH?”
Tinchy: “Probably a Bentley and a Range Rover as well…”
Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 4.28.45 PM.png
Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 4.29.17 PM.png
Frankie: “D’you realize that this is a type of autism that you’ve got?”
Holly: “I reckon that Tinchy goes to a cash boy and it’s “A FIESTA…AN ESPACE…”

Once Greg tells Noel’s team that they’re right, Holly fires several Nerf rounds into the air. I should mention that this post is at 1000 words and we’ve just gotten through the first round. I think this one might be a classic if it keeps being this amazing.

Before Intros:
Amy: “Don’t make it hard for me…”
H and Frankie: [Excessive Giggling]

H screws up part of the first intro
Frankie: “THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT IT! I know that you haven’t got a musical background…”

Amy: “H, put a few song words in there…”
H: “Well, that’s not the point of the game, is it?”

Amy: “I’d rather listen to Tinchy’s music than this music…”
Frankie: “IT’S NOT *THAT* BAD…”

Greg: “Noel’s team, any clue what that was?”
Noel: “Is it…Michael Jackson?”
Greg: “No. Tinch.”
Tinchy: “Is it…Michael Jackson?”
Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 4.42.53 PM.png

I was not expecting Frankie and H to have an especially good go at Intros…but by God, their version of ‘Moves Like Jagger’ is pretty nice.

Amy: “Can you sing a little bit?”
Greg: “…Why don’t we print out the TITLE and give you that?”

There’s a nice runner about everything that Greg hands to Tinchy is GIGANTIC in the Tinchy shot and very small in Greg’s. A ton of trick shots over the course of the episode are making this work. Is it a bit too artificial? At times, but it’s still funny enough, and Greg AND Tinchy are pretty game. Plus, the visual of Tinchy trying to read GIGANTIC Intros cards is pretty amazing.
Greg: “It’s even funnier than I imagined…”

Noel and Tinchy trying to do Leyla by Derek and the Dominoes…is pretty hysterical, because Noel knows it, and Tinchy’s occasionally chiming in with a melody, or with a drumbeat. He just ends it with ‘YEAH.’

Greg: “Bonnie Tyler sang at Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas’ wedding. Apparently she sang Catherine’s favorite song for Michael…’Granddad, We Love You.”
GONE. I’M GONE.

It’s revealed that Tinchy’s never been to a wedding, so he agrees, even to get married to Amy.
Amy: “Yeah!”
Tinchy: “…that was easy…”
Frankie: “You think this is easy now, wait until you’re married to her!”

Greg’s intro for #5 in the ‘A Little bit of Luck’ ID Parade is “A little bit funny…THIS FEELING INSIIIIDE…I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE WHO CAN…”
H: “EASILY HIIIIDE…”
All the while, #5’s just rolling his eyes…clearly above this shit.

Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 5.01.56 PM.pngFrankie: “It’s like they tried to film the Sopranos in Leeds or something like that…I mean, there’s only two of them that you’d accept a drink from…”

H: “I don’t think they’re Steps fans, are they?”
Greg: “Raise your hand if you are a Steps fan?”
Lineup: “….”
Greg: “RIGHT ACROSS THE BOARD!”
Frankie: “And d’you notice- NOBODY in the audience either, H?”
Tinchy raises his hand
H: “Tinchy??”
Frankie: “No, he just wants to go to the bathroom…”

Frankie: “Are these guys Simon Cowell’s ACTUAL fiancees?”

Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 5.07.37 PM.pngHolly: “#4 and 5 look like the film Twins…FORTY YEARS LATER…”

Greg asks if Tinchy wants to take a closer look, which is mainly an excuse for this shot to happen:
Screen Shot 2016-12-23 at 5.09.06 PM.png

Frankie: “They look like a Zombie Showaddywaddy…”

Tinchy: “What do you think?”
Noel: “Well, it’s not the Penguin…”

Holly, to Greg: “You must remember the days…how old were you when you were dancing to this?”
Greg: “I was a little kid, I’m only in my late thirties…”
Tinchy: “How old are you?”
Greg: “How old do you think I am?”
Tinchy: “I think you’re 40+..”
Greg: “Be specific, Tinchy…”
Tinchy: “I think you’re like [smirk], like, round the same age that a range-rover would cost…”
The whole room applauds for this.
Noel, summing up the whole episode: “That was a great joke, AND it’s the only one that can go in the show…”

Interesting change of pace for tonight. Instead of Next Lines (GRRRR), Greg introduces a round based on his years of school-teaching, which are music-based exam questions (i.e. ‘What is Yaz’ first law of physics?’ ‘The only way is up.'”

Greg: “Holly, spell the name of Coldplay’s latest album, which I don’t think I can even pronounce?”
Holly: “S-H-I-T?”
(It was Mylo Xyloto)
Greg: “AND PLEASE WELCOME OUR SPECIAL GUESTS…”

Greg: “True or false: We don’t need no education.”
Noel: “False.”
Greg: “Of course, false. Qualifications are very important…”

Greg: “Frankie’s team, you need 5 points to win.”
Frankie: “We can do it…”
Amy: “Course we can…”
Frankie: “…I thought we were gonna win, and then I heard your voice behind me…”

On what regulations Britney Spears is breaking in the ‘Baby One More Time’ video
Frankie: “Being a crazy, mental slut.”
Greg: “…that’ll do…”

Overall: …WHOA. Possibly the best episode of Buzzcocks since the Martin Freeman and Dappy installment. This was…INSANE. The panel was the tightest and craziest it’s ever been, Greg was an admirable, sharp and hysterical guest host, probably our best so far. H probably had the least amount of input, but he was still hysterical. Holly had some of the best lines. Greg had loads of fun screwing with Tinchy, leading to his best episode yet. Amy was great in dealing with Frankie, who himself was a pretty great Guest Phill, a great team captain, and didn’t take the focus away from Greg, or the game. He was insanely game, and it was a great sendoff for him on the program. Just an all-around wonderful show, with lots of great moments worthy of several rewatches.

Guest Host Rating: 10/10. Well done, Mr. Davies.
Best Team Captain: Definitely Frankie
Best Guest: Tinchy
Best Runner: Greg and Tinchy’s height difference.

QI Watchdown: H10 (Health & Safety) or She was REVIVED…BY SMOKE!

It’s weird- this season started out really strong, got kind of bad for a few episodes, and since the last Ross Noble episode we’ve been unspectacular but fine. In fact, you might argue that Ross Noble has been responsible for the spikes of good in Series H. I certainly hope this is the case, because Ross is on his last show of the Series tonight, after conquering the first show of the season (with the Toblerone-Rolo Combo), and the Ruby Wax episode. Also on tonight are like-minded individual David Mitchell and…pissant Jeremy Clarkson.

As it’s the Health and Safety show, Stephen’s dressed as a doctor, while the panel’s all in hard-hats and construction outfits.

For the first time in a few episodes, the buzzers are kinda funny. Ross’s is an alarm sounding, with ‘DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!’, which he enjoys. Jeremy’s is ‘Vehicle Reversing’, which he facepalms to. Alan’s is an angry high-pitched voice yelling “DON’T TOUCH THE BUTTON!”

Right after intros, Stephen says they can take off their hats.
Ross: “Good thing, or else my hair would be ruined.”
He and Alan take turns whipping around their hair.

After taking the Whitely test, which is punctuated by putting a big Richard Whitely on the behind-screens, Ross scores low, meaning he’s not a hypochondriac
Ross: “But I am terrified that a giant Richard Whitely’s gonna kill me with a clipboard…”

Jeremy: “I didn’t even read the questions, I just put 5 for everything.”
Stephen: “Ah, this explains why you are…”DANGEROUSLY” a hypochondriac.”
Jeremy: “Well, I didn’t know it was because I didn’t read the questions, but I am. I’ve got every disease known to man!”
Ross: “You’re telling me that you’ve got elephantitis?”
Jeremy: “…of the scrotum. No, I’ve got a twisted testicle, a hideous rash, two slipped disks-”
Alan: “AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE…”

Ross: “You know who I feel sorry for the most? Construction-working goths.Because goths, they love a black outfit, but they’ve got to earn a living, and this [uniform] goes against everything they stand for.”
Alan: “But these are reflective…”
Ross: “But…would you want a reflective goth?? I WOULD! I’d want one in me house. BRING OUT THE REFLECTIVE GOTH!”

Ross: “But of this test…what does it mean if you write the answers in your own blood? That’d mess with their heads, wouldn’t it?”
Alan: “Not as bad as if you wrote with someone else’s.”

Alan: “My favorite question from there was…ah, can’t remember it now.”
Ross: “‘DO YOU SUFFER FROM FORGETFULNESS?'”

Stephen talks of an apparatus that’d save people from drowning by blowing smoke up their arse. And shows an older version:
Screen Shot 2016-12-22 at 5.37.09 PM.pngAlan: “BLOW, MAN! FOR GOD’S SAKES! IS IT SUCKING OR BLOWING, I CAN’T REMEMBER!…I THINK IT’S BLOWING IS IT? I DON’T KNOW! BE SURE, MAN, HE’S DROWNING….I’ll do both, I’ll suck first…”

Ross: “So there was a moment where [someone was drowning], and someone said “kiss of life? wait a second…hand me that pipe…”

Ross: “It would be a beautiful sight, though, if we’ve blown the smoke up there, and the person sputters back to life, and then takes off, with the smoke coming out the back! ‘LOOK AT THE SPEED THEY’RE GOING AT!'”
Alan: “Bloke on the left looks like he’s gonna rob his trousers if he doesn’t come ’round.”
Stephen: “No, he’s generating the smoke. They didn’t have an all-around device back then, so he’s getting the pipe ready-”
Jeremy: “Oh, Christ, so he has to french-kiss the pipe…THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SAVING A DROWNING MAN!”

Screen Shot 2016-12-22 at 5.44.10 PM.pngJeremy: “Well HE’S not drowning…he’s just in the pub!”
Alan: “This is like that scene from Pulp Fiction…”
David: “This is bad, because it feels like at any point, someone can say “I think I’m drowning!”
Ross: “As if that’s not bad enough, the bloke in the background’s going “…I think I’ll get my donkey in on this…”
Stephen: “OH, WHEN YOU SAID BLOW SMOKE UP MY *ASS*…I THOUGHT…”

Stephen talks of a woman who was nearly killed by a gorilla, thinking her long glances as mocking.
Alan: “AND SHE WAS REVIVED…BY SMOKE!”

David: “Did they check that it wasn’t just an incredibly annoying woman?”

Stephen: ‘After attacking her, he went into a cafe, where he caused a bit of a commotion…”
Alan: “CAPPUCCINO! DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

Jeremy answers a question saying that a spike right in the middle of your steering wheel would improve car safety.
David: “Wouldn’t that sort-of reduce the point of having a car at all?”
Jeremy: “…quite a lot.”
David: “If you made cars perpetually on fire, people will probably be frightened to get in them at all…”

Stephen: “What equipment do children need to play conkers?”
Jeremy: “I haven’t heard the noise yet, so…”
He holds up his goggles.
KLAXON

Stephen: “Why would I stick my finger up your bottom if you couldn’t name seven bald men aside from Yul Brynner?…That is one of the oddest questions I’ve ever asked on QI…”

Alan reveals that sticking a finger up a dog’s bottom can help them stop biting you.
Ross: “You can use a stick, or other implement. It doesn’t have to…the dog’s not gonna go ‘is that a pen? I’m not releasin'”
David: “I think it’s such a considerate move…to take out a pen when a dog’s biting your arm. ‘No, not the fountain pen, just the BIC!'”
Ross: “Though, to be fair, the dog in my scenario is also a talking dog…”
Stephen: “OKAY, GOOD…THAT’S NICE, BUT…”
David: “Going back to your sensible question…”

Stephen: “But, there is only one proven way of stopping hiccups, and that is-”
David: “DEATH!”
Stephen: “No, a DIGITAL RECTAL MASSAGE…”
Jeremy: “I never knew the bottom was a passageway to so many medical cures…”
Stephen: “When you say digital rectal massage…was there a point where it changed from ANALOG?”

On how to save Jeremy from a threatening environmentalist:
Ross: “I’d punch a horse. I’d get a shetland pony, I’d just throw it around, not to hurt it but to punch it a bit, and there’d be a dilemma of ‘do we carry on the Clarkson attack, or do we go for the bloke with the horse?”
Jeremy: “Horses are tricky, because they produce methane, which some environmentalists believe is stronger than global warming-”
Ross: “Oh, well in that case I’d just turn the horse ’round, get a lighter, use it as a flamethrower.”

Stephen: “The point is, you’d help, wouldn’t you?”
Alan: “No, I’d video it, honestly…”

Look, as much of an ass as Jeremy is, he’s giving a nice showing tonight, he’s working well with people, and he’s being less of a loner-curmudgeon than he has in the past. He’s obviously not the best panelist of the night so far, but he’s still giving an effort.

On how a seahorse can help you get around town:
Screen Shot 2016-12-22 at 7.35.51 PM.pngDavid: “That’s just disgusting. It’s like he’s got a leg of lamb for a face…”
Ross: “I love that he’s still put a tie on. ‘I might look like a freak, but I’m gonna be a smart freak…”

Jeremy “I read somewhere that, because of the limbic system, that you can be blindfolded and sense when a lion’s come into the room- you can sense danger.”
Ross: “And it’s going RRRRAAAAARRR. And everybody’s going ‘THERE’S A BLUDDY LION IN THE ROOM!”

Alan tries to ‘double up on safety’ by putting the gorilla glasses and goggles on at the same time.
David: “Great, now you can show a GORILLA a science experiment..”

Stephen: “The robin on the left wouldn’t be able to navigate at all…”
Alan: “Cause he’s pissed!”

After Stephen reveals that one of a pigeon’s eyes can see magnetism, and throws something off there
Ross: “So you’re saying that it’s physically impossible for a pigeon to carry a fridge magnet? NO WONDER MY BUSINESS FAILED!”

Stephen says that the only reason people are advised not to take antibiotics with alcohol is simply tradition
David: “Now I’m gonna be more inclined not to drink alcohol while on antibiotics. If it’s traditional, then that’s fine. I respect tradition! If we stop observing them, they’ll disappear.”
Ross: “The trouble with that is that by that logic, you’ll be dressed as a morris dancer!

You can tell that this was a pretty bombastic show because the second Alan learns he lost with -6, he wonders aloud how he got -6, and all four panelists start arguing and talking over Stephen as he’s trying to do the final standup.

Overall: Incredibly fun show to get things back on track. The panel dynamic was pretty great, and Ross and David had some of the best moments, the former with his really nice lines, the latter with some momentary logical rage. Jeremy had a nice show too, but brings up the rear solely for not connecting as much as the other two. Just a lot of nice moments.

MVP: Ross
Best Guest: David
Show Winner: David
Best Runner: Smoke up the Arse

Nevermind Watchdown: S25E05, or You Can Push Me All You Want, Bin Boy

So far, this seems like a step in the wrong direction for the series, when it should have just stayed as it was. This episode seems a bit more optimistic, with Pop Idol winner Will Young behind the desk tonight, and with panelists such as Mark Watson (YAAAAYYY!) Paul Foot (YAAAAAAYYYY!!) Sinitta (…yay, I guess…) and Toddla T (…uhhh..?), a DJ and spouse of AnnieMac (oh…uh, yay?)

This one has another cold open, with Noel and Phill walking in on a weird Will Young pre-show ritual. At least there’s enough nice timing by Phill in this that makes it semi-watchable.

Will asks about any panelist hobbies
Sinitta: “I’ve taken to tweeting with my left hand so that my right doesn’t get all funny…”
Will: “I do that, but with something different.”

Noel looking at his card for the ‘draw this story’ round: “Oh, well that’s easy”:
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 4.03.29 PM.png

Noel: “He wrote a letter to…”
Paul: “The ocean. He said ‘dear ocean, please stop getting bigger and bigger and swallowing up those pacific islands. You cover two-thirds of the world…that’s enough.”

Paul guesses that it’s a killer whales.
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 4.07.32 PM.png
Paul: “But why’s it got a big penis? Is that how it kills people? I never knew that! You learn something new all the time…”

Noel, on Tommy Lee: “As if he could write a letter. I mean, I’ve read his book. How could he write a letter…”

Phill’s prompt:
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 4.11.15 PM.png

Will: “So we know he kissed a baby…and perhaps something has happened.”
Mark: “Normally you kiss someone, and a baby is what happened…”

Mark, trying to get it: “GERMS? GERMS. I’m gonna keep saying germs until we get a point.”
Sinitta: “He kissed a baby…”
Mark: “WITH GERMS!”

Ah…Paul has to do intros with Noel.
Noel: “Just thinking about Paul, and the last thing that he listened to was Ella Fitzgerald…”

Paul: “I don’t know any of these…”
Noel, to Toddla: “…good luck…”

Though, Paul trying to do an intro, and trying to do some sort of rhythm section, is one of the more entertaining things I’ve seen in a while.

Before the 2nd intro, Noel: “Okay, for this one, try not to look like you’re operating an imaginary train…”

So far, there are a lot of nice moments, and the rounds are nice, plus the presence of Paul and Noel doing intros is pretty classic, but Will’s being pretty minimalistic as host, and isn’t doing a lot thus far.

Will: “Tinie Tempah says he once had sex in a cinema, which is a shame, because he missed the bit where Schindler makes his list…”
(there’s an audible OHHHH from the audience)

Will actually reveals he had sex with someone in a dumpster once, which is met with a nice reaction from the panel.

Mark, after Phill and Sinitta’s first intro:
Mark: “Is it the Killer’s song “DUMANUMADUMANUMAWOW”?”
Will: “Is that your final guess?”
Mark: “no.”

After Phill and Sinitta’s really nice Sweet Caroline intro:
Paul: “Oh, that was an E Flat then. Ooochhhh…”

Mark: “It sounded a lot like Bohemian Rhapsody to me…”
Phill:
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 10.36.19 PM.png

Will, trying to give a hint: “They play it at a lot of weddings.”
Paul: “The organ???”
Will: “You are correct, it was indeed the organ…”
Will then turns, confusedly to Paul, wondering exactly what he just did.

Paul, after the song’s been played: “So when you say it’s played at weddings, you mean, like, later, and not actually in the church…”

Noel, on the Cheeky Girls lineup: “Did the Cheeky Girls disappear, and turn up as Jedward?”

Noel, after Paul does a bit about a ventriloquist dummy: “Or we could do a bit where you’re the dummy and I’m the ventriloquist…”
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 10.43.17 PM.png
Paul: “…..”
Noel: “You’ve gotta speak you fucking idiot…”
Paul: “OH! Oh, I thought you were a genuine ventriloquist…I see…”
Noel: “Where d’you think my hand is???”
Paul: “So what you’re saying is…I speak and you just sit there…”
Noel: “Well that’s the benefit of having a real person there, instead of a puppet!”

Paul, as the dummy: “I don’t think it’s #5, as she doesn’t seem very interested in the proceedings, as she was just looking away into the distance…thinking of a former lover from long ago…who betrayed her…in the Seychelles. Well, not really in the Seychelles, they were about to go to the Seychelles but he abandoned her at Gatwick airport…”
Noel: “You’ve got such a bony ass! It’s unbelievable! Get off, cause your ass is boring a hole through my kneecap…”

Phill’s team gets an X-Factor contestant, so Sinitta knows it…and Phill has no idea. Mark reveals he watched this guy’s season, and he also knows it.
Mark: “D’you want me to get on your lap like Paul did?”
Phill “…both of you get on my lap…”
Noel, as they do: “That just looks like you’re going to ask them what they want for Christmas…”
Phill: “Mark, have you been a good little boy?”
Mark: “…this is weirdly sexual, I didn’t expect this when I started…”
Phill: “oooohhh, I’ve got something in my sack for you…”

Will: “I’m gonna push you for an answer…”
Phill: “You can push me all you want, Bin Boy, you’re a dirty little pig…”

Phill: “I think it’s #2. Would I be correct?”
Mark: “Well, you’re in the right ballpark. You’re within 5…”
Sinitta: “Andy, #3, how are you?”
#3: “……”
Mark: “That does spoil the suspense a little bit…”
Phill: “And THAT, Sinitta, is why you were never on MORSE!”

Will: “Your guess?”
Mark: “Our guess is #3, that’s based on the fact that Sinitta knows Andy Abraham personally, and it’s him.”
Phill: “It’s all very well you saying it is Andy, but I think it’s #2….I LIKE HIM! #2, TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF, BIG FELLA! #2, WOULD YA LIKE TO COME BACK TO MY *BIN!*”

Once Andy steps forward, he reunites with Sinitta with a cute little kiss.
Phill: “#2, GIVE ME SOME LOVE! DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING!”
Sure enough, #2 runs over and embraces Phill.
Mark, just to keep the tradition, calls over #4, and immediately hides behind the desk.

More with tailoring the Next Lines round, and the show, to the host! Will likes birds, so the final round is all bird questions! Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, producers!

Will: “Bonus point, name the bird.”
Noel: “Is it a yellowtit?”
Will: “No, it’s a blue-tit!”
Noel: “OH, FUCK OFF!”

Overall: A much better show, thanks to some fantastic moments, a pretty nice panel, and a host that was game enough, despite not really bringing much to the table. With the exception of Toddla T, the panel was pretty tight- Sinitta seemed happy to be there, Mark was really well-paired with Phill, and Paul…was at his best, as usual. Will’s best moments were when the panel was interacting with him. The entire first round, Paul and Noel’s intros,  and Phill’s ID Parade are pretty classic moments, I think.

Guest Host Rating: 7.5/10. Imperfect.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Paul
Best Runner: Shagging in a bin.

Nevermind Watchdown: S25E04 or Sutin

On with the Buzzcocks watching. This one has Adam “I ASKED FOR *JOE*” Buxton as guest host, which could be a nice enough fit, as well as a panel full of newbies, including…American gay stand-up comic Margaret Cho??? Uh…well then…

The cold open tonight is pretty simple- Noel and Phill toss a coin and pick teams- Noel picks Dynamo and Beverley, and Phill takes Margaret (first!!) and Reggie. A confused Buxton sits alone in the bleachers wondering where that leaves him.
Phill: “BUXTON! HOST!”

Beverley Knight’s a British soul legend, according to Adam’s standup. Dynamo’s a street magician, possibly the UK’s answer to David Blaine. Reggie Yates is an actor and presenter, and enough of a piece of wood to get Margaret on the ‘does Intros with Phill’ side of the panel.

To start off the show, Dynamo does a pretty insane trick where he catches a life-saver mint on his necklace chain, through his throat.

Noel mentions Rasta Mouse, which Reggie voices, but he won’t do a line or anything.
Adam: “You won’t do Rasta Mouse? He just pulled a polo out of his neck!”

Reggie: “Have you seen the show? It’s quite a high place to get to…”
Phill: “Noel thinks it’s a documentary!”
Noel: “I actually saw a mouse today…”

Reggie has to turn around to do the voice, but turns back to Phill: “I can feel you wiggling, cause you’re trying not to laugh…”
Phill: “Yeah, that’s it, TRYING NOT TO LAUGH…”

Reggie can’t do it, but he explains “when the pressure’s not on, I’ll deliver the mouse…”
Phill: “Yeah, when the pressure’s not on, we can ALL…*DELIVER THE MOUSE*.”

Dynamo, on Richards-Shakur: ‘E looks a bit like Jack Spawwoah.”
Noel: “The word ‘Jack Sparrow’ shouldn’t be said in that accent. ‘E LOOKS ‘BIT LOIK JUCK SPUVVUH.’…it was quite beautiful…”

On Fergie and Dappy, Adam: “Think pasttimes. What do these artists do when they’re not creating timeless sounds.”
(Most of the audience has a laugh at that one)

Phill sticks the fish prop in his mouth
Phill: “How am I gonna explain this…”I’ve just been doing Buzzcocks, love” “Yes, but why do your breath and fingers…”

For Noel and Beverley’s first intro, ‘Female of the Species’ by Space, Beverley does the main melody while Noel just bobs along, going “NOTHING AT ALLL…”

Dynamo: “I’m gonna have to pass…”
Beverley: “Come on, you HAVE TO KNOW IT…”
Noel: “You say you’re gonna pass on it, and then you’re gonna bring in a coconut, chop it in half, and the answer’s gonna be…”

Reggie correctly gets, and sings the title.
Phill: “DO THE MOUSE”
Reggie, quickly turning: “NEVERMIND THE- i can’t do it…”

Phill and Margaret’s ‘Pinball Wizard’ intro is great, but Margaret’s adding too many guitar riffs. Even Phill’s going “wow, Cho’s going…WOW…”

Phill and Margaet’s 2nd intro is…interesting, as Cho keeps doing this frightened cat noise that even frightens Reggie.
Reggie: “I dunno, I’ve got nothing…”
Phill: “To be fair…we’re not very good…”

Adam: “I’ll pass it over.”
Dynamo, pointing: “RASTA-MOUSE!”
Phill: “DO THE MOUSE”
Reggie: “…NEVER MIND THE BUZ- no…”
Phill: “You see, each time he gets a little further along…”

Noel, knowing it’s Bon Jovi: “I’ll just do my own voice”
[Turns around, like Reggie]
Noel: “…I can’t, I’m sorry…”

Adam punctuates each round with a radio-esque jingle…and this runner dies HARD. It’s not remotely funny, and it’s painful to watch. The writers/producers are trying to cater each show to the host, and…they don’t really need to. If Adam doesn’t have an angle, don’t try to force one.

ID Parade:
Dynamo: “I think it’s #2, because he’s holding a firm gaze…”
Noel: “Come on Merlin, you can do better than that…”

Phill: “#2 looks the crossest, I think…and just for #2…do the mouse.”
Reggie, Rasta Mouse voice: “NEVERMIND THE BUZZCOCKS!”
(The whole room applauds)

Margaret: “I’m getting a 1 vibe…”
Phill: “Okay. We think it’s #1…[whispered]…I DON’T!”

So…this is weird. Instead of Next Lines, we get a round similar to the final round on Have I Got News For You, but with youtube comments instead of headlines. We…couldn’t just get Next Lines??

Adam: “Justin Bieber is nothin’ but a _____”
Margaret: “Beautiful lesbian.”
Noel: “Fish-finger with hair?”

Adam: “Whoever dislikes this video is a ________ face!”
Noel: “I’ve got it! Whoever dislikes this video is an intricate charcoal drawing of a…face!”

On Dynamo, a comment by JerryBaboona: “DIS GUY MUST BE A _____”
Noel: “wizard?”
Adam: “No, it’s ‘DIS GUY MUST BE A ALIEN OR SUTIN!”
And he goes off on this rant in that accent. It’s pretty great.

Adam reads another comment
Noel: “That’s JerryBaboona again…”
Adam: “HE THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THE PLANET MADE FROM….SUTIN…”

Beverley: “How do people write that stuff?”
Adam: “Come on, these are the intelligent ones…”

Adam: “This was left by McKenna1, and it’s simply “_____”
Noel: “….SUTIN!!!”

Overall: Funny show, with nice moments, but hindered by the show trying to go in a different direction when it clearly shouldn’t have. This episode had too many gimmicks, such as the pre-round jingles, the lack of Next Lines, and the tiebreak round of Mobys. Adam did his best as a guest host, but he was given a lot of contrived stuff to do. Margaret and Reggie had the best days as guests, though Dynamo had some nice moments.

Guest Host Rating: 8/10. Good enough, but flawed material.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Margaret
Best Runner: Rasta Mouse

QI Watchdown: H9 (House and Home)

Fine, let’s do another QI.

This is the 100th episode in the series, a feat so great that they brought back three heroes of the first series- two have appeared recently, like Danny Baker and Bill Bailey, but the one I’m more excited for is a guy who hasn’t been in since the pilot, the great Eddie Izzard. This should be a great one.

Putting Danny and Bill on the same panel is an odd choice, as you have two guys with thinning, yet long, hair. At least Eddie and Alan have all theirs.

On what the best way to reduce one’s ecological footprint:
Bill: “Stop breathing!”
Alan: “Stop defacating!”
Eddie, pressing his buzzer: “Are we using these???”

Danny, after some squabbling: “Alright, I’ll trigger the screen. QUIT DRIVING CARS.”
Screen Shot 2016-12-20 at 11.13.58 PM.png
[nothing happens]
Screen Shot 2016-12-20 at 11.14.30 PM.png
KLAXON
Danny: “YEAHH…”

Alan buzzes in with ‘EAT THE DOG!’, but the answer’s actually get rid of the dog, as “the dog is far and away the most ecologically-”
Alan: “Never turns the lights off, keeps the TV running all night…”

After Stephen says that one dog is equivalent to the cost of two Toyotas.
Bill: “Stephen, just as a hypothetical question…I have four dogs, and-”
Stephen: “OHHHH, YOU BASTARD!”
Alan: “You’re killing us all! KILL YOUR DOGS, BILL! BEFORE THEY BREED!”
Bill: “I just want to know…what kind of fleet of vehicles I can now own….I’m really keen to know!”
Alan: “Eight land cruisers!”
Bill: “EIGHT LAND CRUISERS! YES!”

So far, Eddie’s barely getting a word in edgewise. The poor fellow’s missed a lot since he was last on.

Stephen: “If you have two hamsters…that has the same carbon footprint as a plasma TV.”
Danny: “What kind of Doctor Doolittle death list is this?”

Eddie: “How come some fish fly and we don’t?”
Stephen, not knowing the answer: “yyyyyeeeah- NOW!”

Bill, going back: “What about a blu-ray player? Is that a mouse or something?”
Stephen: “I think a gerbil-”
Bill, taking notes: “right, gerbil…”
Stephen: “A gecko would be an iPad.”
Bill, still writing: “NICE!”

Stephen: “What instantly reduces the price of a house in America by a third?”
Alan: “…OJ Simpson is there.”
Eddie: “Is it a tornado cutting it into thirds?”
Bill: “Two thirds of it is on one side of the San Andreas fault…”

Bill whips out his pipe after a joke, which causes a nice nod of recollection from Eddie. Stephen also has a nice story about his own pipe-smoking. At least this show can bend back on itself after being on for so long.

Stephen talks about this Chilean tradition of literally moving a house with a team of yaks, in order to leave the ghosts and spirits behind.
Eddie: “What if the ghosts can travel with them?”
Stephen: “They believe that they can’t.”
Eddie: “What, does the ghost go “I’M STILL HERE’ …’aw, bugger. PUT IT BACK!'”
Stephen: “Apparently the ghost gets left behind, going ‘what happened??”

Screen Shot 2016-12-20 at 11.38.45 PM.pngEddie: “That is an adventure movie, isn’t it?”
Stephen: “It’s Fitzcarraldo…”
Eddie: “It’s Die Hard with a cow.”
Alan: “The guy in the window’s going “I WANT TO STAY HERE!!!”
Eddie: “And the person at the door’s going “what the HELL? I just came down cause there was a rumbling!”

Stephen talks of the process where, in cases of divorce, the couple has to compete in calling a dog to see which one keeps them, and that a vet must be on hand, as some people will cheat by rubbing meat on their hands.
Bill: “Or putting a massive electromagnet in the dog…”
Only Bill.

On the guy who hired a private investigator to spy on his wife in SecondLife
Bill: “Couldn’t he have hired an online assassin?”
Stephen, into his notes: “Ah, we’ve come onto this…an RPG game in-”
Alan: “RPG? Is that a rocket-propelled-grenade…”
Stephen: “It’s also a role-playing game…”
Bill: “I’m not inviting you on any mercenary missions…”
Alan: “RIGHT! LAUNCH THE RPG! ‘…and you wear the hat! You’re Spanish!”
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 12.18.50 AM.png

Stephen: “What kind of person builds their house out of straw?”
Eddie: “NOT…A PIG.”
Stephen: “Damn you. Damn you for the word ‘Not’.
Eddie: “Alright. A PIG.”
KLAXON
Eddie: “I knew it wasn’t that, I just wanted to hear the WOOOO sound. I’ve been making it myself, watching the program.”

Stephen explains that straw houses, when backed up by plaster and things, can be extremely sturdy.
Eddie: “The real question: can a wolf blow it down?”
Stephen: “It’ll huff and it’ll puff…”
Bill: “In fact, if the wolf came back and saw that, he’d go ‘HAHAH-…oh..”
Eddie: “The wolf will be there going ‘This isn’t what’s supposed to happen! We haven’t had the brick one come yet!”
Alan: “No, the wolf’ll be going “I LOVE what you’ve done.”

Stephen: “The queen is coming to visit! What should you do with your lavatory seat?”
Bill: “COVER IT WITH MONEY!”
Eddie: “Wear it ’round your neck with pride!”
Bill: “Superglue it!”
Alan: “Put cling-film over the bowl! See if she’ll complain! [laughs] Dunno why that pleases me so much, but it really does.”

There’s another conversation about people getting killed by falling frozen urine from planes, and everyone’s getting in on it. This is a very collaborative panel, and even Danny’s getting in on a few jokes, even if he’s only making conclusions for the most part.

Stephen asks when slavery was officially outlawed.
Alan: “You’re probably gonna say it was in some odd-little new labour laws, in about 1996-7-8.”
Stephen: “Yes, what an ODD law, to prevent slavery. It’s political correctness gone MAAD!”

Stephen does reveal that it wasn’t completely illegal to have a slave until 2010.
Alan: “So that means that this series I’m finally free…”

Stephen: “There are estimated to be about 27 million people held in bondage, in slavery, around the world-”
Danny, to the audience: “But the show’ll be over soon, so you can go!”

Overall: Nice little show, certainly very fun, probably with more laugh-out-loud moments than the last one. There were just a few too many lulls that kept it from being great. Everybody collaborated, except for maybe Danny at times, and Bill and Alan were giving strong stuff. It took Eddie awhile, but he started acting like himself halfway through and didn’t stop until the end- it was fantastic having him on as a (GASP) special guest.

MVP: Bill
Best Guest: Eddie
Show Winner: Bill
Best Runner: Ghosts.