Nevermind Watchdown: S24E12

Well, though it hasn’t been as consistently good as Series 23, Series 24 has hit its final entry. i imagine I’ll have a lot of things to talk about in Superlatives, at the bottom of the post, but for now…let’s dive into an episode that singlehandedly convinced me to start this watchdown. And that is this Frankie Boyle episode, featuring ex-Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams, rapper and rap-battle aficionado Professor Green, Mock the Week semi-regular Miles Jupp, and rapper and James Bond villain henchman Goldie. It’s a packed lineup, a packed episode, and it’s one I’ve been waiting a while to get to.

Frankie lets us know what we’re in for with his opening line: “If you’re watching on BBC2, hello, and if you’re watching on Dave+1 in the year 2020, [INDETERMINATE CHINESE BABBLING]”

Also, like last time, I’m listing all of Frankie’s guest setups, because…he’s Frankie Boyle and they’re all vicious.
“Goldie’s autobiography is called Nine Lives, which is a stupid title…for a man with a dog’s name…”
Miles: “He’s a comedian who’s been on kids’ TV, sang in a choir, and looks like that. The fact that he’s not a child molester once lost me a hundred quid…”
Michelle: “As a member of Destiny’s Child, she’s one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world….’s friend…”

Michelle, after reacting to that line: “What did I sign up for???”
Frankie: “That’s as harsh as it gets, you’ll be fine.”
(Looks directly into the camera, straight-faced)

Noel: “You said that and *I* got hit for it…”
Frankie: “Are you sure you didn’t get hit for looking like a bisexual Doctor Who?”
so….John Barrowman?

Frankie on Muse: “They’re regularly voted the best live band in the world, which is ironic (Ironik?), as we’d all rather see them dead.”

Miles: “This is a very difficult question you’ve opened with, Frankie, I-”
Frankie: “Well, get used to it, bitch…”
Miles: “…I can see what sort of mood you’ve turned up in tonight…”
Phill: “And NOWWWW we know why you didn’t get ‘Blockbusters’…”

Noel, on Matt Bellamy: “He was voted sexiest man of the year once. He looks like a hedgehog! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve got off on some hedgehogs before, but…I can’t believe I’ve said that. What would be the benefit of saying you get off on hedgehogs…unless you’re trying to get on Springwatch.”
Frankie: “Springwatch Nights, perhaps?”

Now, I’d write down the infamous ‘World AIDS Day Festival’ joke Frankie has here…except it’s an EXACT COPY of a joke Simon did back in Series 19, also regarding Muse. So even if it does fit Frankie’s humor, it’s still a rerun, really.

Frankie on Axl Rose: “The Botox hasn’t gone well…he’s like a stunt double for Mickey Rourke’s arse, basically…”

Noel does a little meandering weird monologue about living in Slash’s afro for a decade. When it doesn’t get a ton of response, he goes “I thought I’d just throw some whimsy in there, before Frankie does another AIDS joke…”
Frankie, briefly glancing at the autocue: “Thanks! Here we go…”

(Perhaps the funniest part of the episode, right here)
Frankie: “Professor Green, you came to prominence through rap battles, right after mine own heart…”
Green: “Here we go, is this where the rapping becomes a part of the evening?”
Frankie: “No, I’ve got a theory about you. You got stabbed last year, right? What happened?”
Green: “Yeah, he was a muppet…”
Frankie: “I have a theory that he stabbed you because you sound like a character in Cluedo. Was it Colonel Mustard?”
Green, recovering: “Look…THAT *WAS* FUNNY…”
[Jupitus giggling]
Frankie: ‘ARE YOU DRAWING A LINE? Don’t draw a line in words when you could…RAP ABOUT IT!”
Suddenly a beat comes in on the PA, and Green has a few seconds to recover and respond. He eventually comes up with a gem: “Look, that was funny, and there’s no question, but I’m not leaving, ’cause I’m not Preston.”
The audience responds favorably.

Noel reveals that Green’s gonna be going on tour with N-Dubz…and Dappy.
Frankie: “Dappy, he seems like a muppet…”
Green: “that’s not very nice…”
Frankie: “I’m not a very nice man.”

This exchange sums up not only this show, but Frankie’s entire character:
Michelle: “That’s not true, I think you are a nice man…”
Frankie: “Well, watch this…”

Michelle’s squirming, telling him to not go on.
Frankie: “I READ, MICHELLE…”
Michelle: “NO, PLEASE…”
Noel has to plug her ears for her.
Frankie: “To be honest, I’ve done some corporate gigs that have gone badly, but this might be a new low…”

Frankie: “No, it was actually B, he couldn’t be woken up from his nap…”
Michelle: “……..REEEEALLLY!?!?!?”
(Noel flinches and lands near Professor Green)
Frankie: “To be honest, I find that the least surprising thing that got said there, but there you go…”

Frankie: “Similarly, a nap led Cheryl Cole to be late to a gig recently, when she couldn’t wake up the man who presses play.”
The whole room takes a good 5 seconds to recover from this one.

Phill, reading the first card for Intros: “Uh, this is a hostage note about the child you have in your basement…”

Miles reveals that he’s probably not gonna get any of the intros, and mentions his posh upbringing.
Phill: “Can we change this to ‘Clay Pigeon Shooting’? Yeah, like Goldie doesn’t have a gun on him right now…”

After Phill and Goldie’s first intro:
Frankie: “To give you a hint, Miles, it sounds FUCK ALL like that…”

Then, after the 2nd intro
Miles: “If my brain were hooked up to electrical equipment, it’d be flatlining.”
Noel: “You just had this blank stare, like a horse trying to book a holiday…”

Frankie: “De la soul had a hit with ‘Three is the Magic Number’. It’s also the anthem for the National Fingering Association.”
Michelle: “GEE! I THOUGHT…that this was a hearty, wholesome, family show..”
Frankie: “I think most weeks it is, to be fair. I come along once a series and ruin it for everybody…”
Noel, trying to win Michelle back: “Fingering’s quite old-fashioned…”
Michelle loses it.

Noel: “D’you have that in America? What’s it called?”
Michelle: “That.”
Frankie: “Don’t tell her about it, Noel! RAP ABOUT IIITTT!”

Noel, reading the first intro: “This is shit pop. This is music that makes me want to kill myself.”
Michelle: “Noooo, life is worth living.”
Phill, from across the room: “MICHELLE, FRANKIE…FRANKIE, MICHELLE…”
Noel: “It is cool hanging out with you, it’s like being on an episode of Fraggle Rock. ‘HEY, NOEL, PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE. LIFE’S GREAT, EVERYBODY!”

It’s great- as Green and Noel do the intro for ‘I Gotta Feeling’, which they both hate, they all mime acts of suicide, various, as Michelle tries to guess it. I give Professor Green for being as into it as Noel.

This is a variant off an old Mark Lamarr joke, but at least this one has a different punchline:
Frankie: “Bobby McFerrin clicks his fingers and beats his chest to create music. Coincidentally, it’s also how Wayne Rooney signals to his handler that he requires wanking off.”
The panel laughs so hard at that one that Frankie even breaks in the middle of the next standup.

For Robin Jones’ ID Parade, the one completely Frankie name he gives is “#5, Robin His Cock Up Against the Schoolbus Window.”
#5 is even just shaking his head, trying not to laugh at this one.

Frankie: “One thing I read about you, Goldie, is that apparently you attacked someone who threw a peanut at your Ferrari. Are you worried you’re not keeping it real? I mean, what, was it a drive by allergy attack-”
Goldie: “Yeah, it was basically-”
Frankie, starting the rap track: “AH DON’T KNOO WHY YOU’RE TELLIN’ ME ABOUT IT…”

After a self-deprecating teeth joke that doesn’t get a ton of response.
Frankie: “That was literally the nicest thing I had on the card.”
Michelle: “Can I read the card?”
Frankie: “…Oh, I don’t think you’ll want to read that…someone’s got to draw the line…”

Frankie’s name for Noel’s #5 is “Waking Up With a Hard-on”
Michelle, whispering to Noel: “…he kinda does have a hard-on…”

Michelle, using her Destiny’s Child cred, starts commanding them to dance. #5 doesn’t budge.
Phill: “He’s dancing in his trousers…”

Eventually they get this woman from the audience to dance with all five…which turns into essentially her giving them weird erotic dances on them. It’s very weird.
Frankie at least gets a good line out of it: “We didn’t get dotty-bitches like that on Mock the Week, I’ll tell you that…”

Frankie: “Has that helped??? I mean, it helped #5…”

Frankie, channeling Mark: “Noel’s team has 11 points, Frankie’s got two, but you have Miles Jupp!”

Next Lines:
Frankie: “Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala, Po”
Phill: “You’re not gonna lure anybody like that, Frankie…”
Frankie: “My luring days are over..”

Frankie: “Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim.”
Phill: “…I LITERALLY have bile in my throat as you’re reading out kids’ themes.”

Frankie signs off with: ‘This has been….a disaster. Good night.”

Overall: Well…that is one hell of a way to finish a series. Frankie was even more on than he was last series, Noel’s panel was pretty tight, and Frankie had so much fun picking on Michelle and Professor Green. I’ll argue that Phill’s panel was edited a bit lighter, so while Goldie and Miles were funny, there wasn’t a ton of them. Professor Green was surprisingly game, and Michelle was horrified at times, but still looked like she was having fun, similar to Kelly Rowland, actually. Still, a momentous show, and a great capper to an uneven but worthwhile series.

Guest Host Rating: 10/10.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Michelle
Best Runner: #5’s boner.


Guest Panelists: Ranked Best to Worst:
Frankie Boyle, Episode 12
Lee Mack, Episode 8
Josh Groban, Episode 10
Robert Webb, Episode 11
Terry Wogan: Episode 4
Jack Dee: Episode 3
Tim Minchin, Episode 6
Catherine Tate, Episode 2
David O’Doherty, Episode 5
Mark Ronson, Episode 1
Juliette Lewis, Episode 9
Tim Westwood, Episode 7

Best Episode: Episode 12, this very one I just wrote about. Out of all of them, this one was consistently funny from top to bottom, had a great panel and AMAZING guest host, and is insanely rewatchable. Not much else to say.
2nd Best Episode: Episode 4, featuring Terry Wogan doing a boisterous performance as guest host, Rufus Hound giving a stellar panelist performance, James Blunt being likable, an incredibly obvious Cheryl Baker, and a runner about an interview Terry had with David Bowie (“It was a SHIT INTERVIEW, TERRY…”)
3rd Best Episode: Episode 8, featuring an insane performance by Lee Mack, Andrew Stone establishing what a triple threat is, Noel doing his impression of a snowman, and A RENEGADE AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTING ‘BATMAAAAN’ WHEN NO ONE EXPECTED IT.
Worst Episode: Episode 7. In order to get a good episode, you need a good anchor. Tim Westwood…was not a good anchor. Whatsoever.
Best Regular: Noel, for being consistently ridiculous, and being an even better connector than Bill was. He’s really improved from his first three episodes in the Simon era.
Best Comedian Panelist: Rufus Hound, Episode 4, for being absolutely phenomenal as a teammate, giving some very funny answers and some insane energy. Runners up were Vic Reeves (who came VERY close), Paul Foot, Katy Brand, Tim Key, Holly Walsh, and Miles Jupp.
Best Musician Panelist: Theo Hutchcraft, Episode 9. Theo gave some unexpectedly amazing material in the midst of a very strange and uneven episode, even bouncing off of Vic Reeves. Runners Up were Mel B, Paloma Faith, James Blunt, Michael Ball, KT Tunstall, Example, Michelle Williams and Professor Green.
Best Sport: Chris Packham, Episode 11, for taking every single ‘Chris shags animals’ joke like an absolute pro.
Most Annoying: Hmmm….this is actually a tough one….let me think…
(…it’s Jedward, Episode 3. Who the fuck else could it have been?)
Most Confused Panelist: Howard Marks, Episode 2. Though, that is how Howard Marks was on a daily basis, making up ‘Team Fuzzy’.
Best Runner: Pat Sharp.


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