Tonight’s Buzzcocks, hopefully a step up from the definitely different tone of the first two, features morning presenter Lorraine Kelly as Guest Host, and a nice mish-mosh of oddities on the panel, including boisterous comedian Jarred Christmas, Professor Green, X-Factor Finalist, I’m a Celebrity Finalist and general pea-brain Stacey Solomon, and surreal Canadian stand-up Tony Law.
Apparently cold-opens are a permanent fixture now, as this one features Noel and Phill going into Lorraine’s dressing room as Lorraine, shedding her ‘nice lady’ TV image, curses them out for it.
Instead of ending awkwardly, Lorraine storms out, Noel holds an expression, and Phill deadpans “I am SO turned on…” Noel even breaks at this. I imagine these cold-opens were half-scripted, half just sort-of winged.
Lorraine even does the contestant intros like Daybreak, saying what’s gonna happen over the course of the show. Prof. Green, as he’s the most unexpectedly game of the musicians that have been on, is even in the midst of making a souffle as he’s been cut to.
Lorraine, knowing how out of hand the show gets, brings with her an official Buzzcocks swear box…as well as a plastic paddle. Not exactly the wooden one of old, but…good enough.
Lorraine: “I don’t wanna be forced to use this…”
Noel: “I don’t even swear, but I’m GONNA be swearing tonight…”
The first round involves objects again- Stacey is given ‘Christmas decorations.’
Stacey: “…for the jew…”
Stacey: “I don’t even know what these are!”
Noting Tony’s vuvuzela, Noel notes that it goes with his outfit, so sure enough:
Tony: “What? I’m too old for Topshop? GET OUTTA HERE…I’ll summon my….men! [Blows vuvuzela] TO TOPSHOP!”
I do enjoy Tony’s sense of humor, as he goes on this elaborate story about how Wyclef was involved in a traffic jam, and fought a bunch of wolves. Again, he lends himself to the Dave Johns school of surrealist humor, but he’s pretty funny so far.
Stacey, giving the more minimalistic approach: “Maybe Christmas fell on him…”
Noel: “I’m loving this show this week, because usually I’m the weird one…this is TEAM ABSTRACT!”
Noel, picking up one of the Punch and Judy dolls: “Uch, it’s all moist in here…”
Tony: “Sorry about that. It’s been a long afternoon.”
Stacey: “Did he just hate Christmas so much that he punched his Christmas tree?”
Noel: “Yeah, and then the tree got him in a headlock…”
Phill: “I think Stacey’s spent so much time with Tony and Noel today that she’s developed secondary weird….I can’t wait for her next album…”
Stacey: “I haven’t even had a first one!”
Phill: [Dies laughing]
After another digression from Tony and Noel
Phill: “I’d like to apologize to anyone watching currently in rehab…”
Tony: “Good luck with that…”
One of Phill’s props is a FUNCTIONING remote-controlled car, which he ends up running around the desk, and it ends up falling into Noel’s lap. He then pretends to chuck it across the room.
Lorraine realizes, halfway through Jarred’s Susan Boyle dissertation, that he does vaguely resemble her…
Lorraine: “It’s not the first time Susan Boyle’s nearly choked to death. The first time was when Simon Cowell told her she was engaged…TO A WOMAN!”
Lorraine gives a demonstration of the waxing strips on Phill’s legs. The second he rolls back his jeans to reveal the legs, an audience member whistles.
As Lorraine’s warming up the strip
Jarred: “This is gonna really hurt…”
Lorraine eventually rips one off.
Lorraine: “You’re hardcore.”
Phill: “…you’re half right.”
As Lorraine goes back to the desk and Phill gets back down, he emits a loud, “YEEEEAAAAAAARRRGHHHH”, finally feeling the pain.
Noel: “Pretty sure I’m in the wrong studio…”
Jarred can’t get the first one..
Lorraine: “Noel, baby, what’d’you think?”
Noel: “It’s Santana…”
Lorraine: “I need the name of the song, though.”
Lorraine exits in the middle of intros, due to a bra issue
Noel: “I’ll be Lorraine, it’s easy. ‘Shit, my bra’s exploded, who wants a spanking?”
Phill comes down immediately and has one, “I’ll be Noel.”
Tony, running to Phill’s seat: “I’LL BE PHILL.”
Jarred, running offstage: “I’LL BE HER TITS!”
Noel, running back offstage: “I’ll be a cameraman!”
Lorraine does eventually reenter, and everyone has to drastically scurry back to their seats. It’s a very amusing, fun moment.
Lorraine, to Jarred: “This is your chance to redeem yourself.”
Jarred: “It better be the Happy Birthday song…”
Stacey: “WHAT’S THE INTRO TO THAT? THERE ISN’T ONE!!”
Phill and Green’s 2nd Intro is, of course, the theme from Friends, which Jarred immediately knows:
Jarred: ‘ROSS! RACHEL! THE OTHER ONES! It’s Friends- the Rembrandts, the Friends theme tune.”
Phill: “Which is called?”
Jarred: “…THE FRIENDS THEME TUNE!”
He does eventually get the title, which leads to:
Tony, having no idea what the first intro is: “Happy Frickin Birthday, by…some dude in the 1200’s…”
Stacey: “You’re close! Only a thousand years later!”
Tony: “What, in the 2200’s?”
Tony, definitely knowing the 2nd one, which is a great intro as well: “It’s…Roy or Bison….Phhataaayy….Wchuman!”
Tony is keeping this very odd, nonsensical but deadpan character, but as the real Pretty Woman plays in, he breaks a bit and says ‘…that was exactly it. That was really good.”
Lorraine, understanding the Rap Battle concept: “But when you [Jarred] were in that Pot Noodle band, you rapped, didn’t you?”
Stacey: “I love Pot Noodles by the way, just want to let you know…”
Green says his worst Rap Slam was “you haven’t got an STD, bitch, you are one.”
Jarred: “OHHHHHH! You called her a BITCH!”
The latest Garlicking: Kele Le Roc, who was on an episode back in Series 5, the infamous ‘An Infinite Number of Toyahs’ episode, is a member of tonight’s ID Parade.
Phill: “Prof? Thoughts?”
Green: “I’ve got an idea.”
Phill: “Is it broadcastable?”
Green: “…I’ve got another idea.”
Lorraine: “And you will see the finest in the city of Dundee.”
Jarred: “…no you won’t…”
Lorraine: “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas.”
Jarred: “That’s a bit racist, d’you think?”
Phill: “…just like the ones I used to know, Lorraine Kelly, you terrible racist…”
Overall: A step in the right direction for the series. Lorraine’s hosting presence was welcome, as she kept the game moving as well as being funny, and willing to bounce off of everyone. Additionally, the panel was pretty fantastic, and really fun all-around. When Professor Green’s your weakest link, you’re doing a great job. Jarred and Tony both had a ton of great moments, and Stacey was funny, though not always intentionally. Everything just clicked tonight, even if ID Parade was kind of depleted.
Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Well done, Lorraine.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Tony
Best Runner: Spanking