QI Watchdown: H9 (House and Home)

Fine, let’s do another QI.

This is the 100th episode in the series, a feat so great that they brought back three heroes of the first series- two have appeared recently, like Danny Baker and Bill Bailey, but the one I’m more excited for is a guy who hasn’t been in since the pilot, the great Eddie Izzard. This should be a great one.

Putting Danny and Bill on the same panel is an odd choice, as you have two guys with thinning, yet long, hair. At least Eddie and Alan have all theirs.

On what the best way to reduce one’s ecological footprint:
Bill: “Stop breathing!”
Alan: “Stop defacating!”
Eddie, pressing his buzzer: “Are we using these???”

Danny, after some squabbling: “Alright, I’ll trigger the screen. QUIT DRIVING CARS.”
Screen Shot 2016-12-20 at 11.13.58 PM.png
[nothing happens]
Screen Shot 2016-12-20 at 11.14.30 PM.png
Danny: “YEAHH…”

Alan buzzes in with ‘EAT THE DOG!’, but the answer’s actually get rid of the dog, as “the dog is far and away the most ecologically-”
Alan: “Never turns the lights off, keeps the TV running all night…”

After Stephen says that one dog is equivalent to the cost of two Toyotas.
Bill: “Stephen, just as a hypothetical question…I have four dogs, and-”
Alan: “You’re killing us all! KILL YOUR DOGS, BILL! BEFORE THEY BREED!”
Bill: “I just want to know…what kind of fleet of vehicles I can now own….I’m really keen to know!”
Alan: “Eight land cruisers!”

So far, Eddie’s barely getting a word in edgewise. The poor fellow’s missed a lot since he was last on.

Stephen: “If you have two hamsters…that has the same carbon footprint as a plasma TV.”
Danny: “What kind of Doctor Doolittle death list is this?”

Eddie: “How come some fish fly and we don’t?”
Stephen, not knowing the answer: “yyyyyeeeah- NOW!”

Bill, going back: “What about a blu-ray player? Is that a mouse or something?”
Stephen: “I think a gerbil-”
Bill, taking notes: “right, gerbil…”
Stephen: “A gecko would be an iPad.”
Bill, still writing: “NICE!”

Stephen: “What instantly reduces the price of a house in America by a third?”
Alan: “…OJ Simpson is there.”
Eddie: “Is it a tornado cutting it into thirds?”
Bill: “Two thirds of it is on one side of the San Andreas fault…”

Bill whips out his pipe after a joke, which causes a nice nod of recollection from Eddie. Stephen also has a nice story about his own pipe-smoking. At least this show can bend back on itself after being on for so long.

Stephen talks about this Chilean tradition of literally moving a house with a team of yaks, in order to leave the ghosts and spirits behind.
Eddie: “What if the ghosts can travel with them?”
Stephen: “They believe that they can’t.”
Eddie: “What, does the ghost go “I’M STILL HERE’ …’aw, bugger. PUT IT BACK!'”
Stephen: “Apparently the ghost gets left behind, going ‘what happened??”

Screen Shot 2016-12-20 at 11.38.45 PM.pngEddie: “That is an adventure movie, isn’t it?”
Stephen: “It’s Fitzcarraldo…”
Eddie: “It’s Die Hard with a cow.”
Alan: “The guy in the window’s going “I WANT TO STAY HERE!!!”
Eddie: “And the person at the door’s going “what the HELL? I just came down cause there was a rumbling!”

Stephen talks of the process where, in cases of divorce, the couple has to compete in calling a dog to see which one keeps them, and that a vet must be on hand, as some people will cheat by rubbing meat on their hands.
Bill: “Or putting a massive electromagnet in the dog…”
Only Bill.

On the guy who hired a private investigator to spy on his wife in SecondLife
Bill: “Couldn’t he have hired an online assassin?”
Stephen, into his notes: “Ah, we’ve come onto this…an RPG game in-”
Alan: “RPG? Is that a rocket-propelled-grenade…”
Stephen: “It’s also a role-playing game…”
Bill: “I’m not inviting you on any mercenary missions…”
Alan: “RIGHT! LAUNCH THE RPG! ‘…and you wear the hat! You’re Spanish!”
Screen Shot 2016-12-21 at 12.18.50 AM.png

Stephen: “What kind of person builds their house out of straw?”
Eddie: “NOT…A PIG.”
Stephen: “Damn you. Damn you for the word ‘Not’.
Eddie: “Alright. A PIG.”
Eddie: “I knew it wasn’t that, I just wanted to hear the WOOOO sound. I’ve been making it myself, watching the program.”

Stephen explains that straw houses, when backed up by plaster and things, can be extremely sturdy.
Eddie: “The real question: can a wolf blow it down?”
Stephen: “It’ll huff and it’ll puff…”
Bill: “In fact, if the wolf came back and saw that, he’d go ‘HAHAH-…oh..”
Eddie: “The wolf will be there going ‘This isn’t what’s supposed to happen! We haven’t had the brick one come yet!”
Alan: “No, the wolf’ll be going “I LOVE what you’ve done.”

Stephen: “The queen is coming to visit! What should you do with your lavatory seat?”
Eddie: “Wear it ’round your neck with pride!”
Bill: “Superglue it!”
Alan: “Put cling-film over the bowl! See if she’ll complain! [laughs] Dunno why that pleases me so much, but it really does.”

There’s another conversation about people getting killed by falling frozen urine from planes, and everyone’s getting in on it. This is a very collaborative panel, and even Danny’s getting in on a few jokes, even if he’s only making conclusions for the most part.

Stephen asks when slavery was officially outlawed.
Alan: “You’re probably gonna say it was in some odd-little new labour laws, in about 1996-7-8.”
Stephen: “Yes, what an ODD law, to prevent slavery. It’s political correctness gone MAAD!”

Stephen does reveal that it wasn’t completely illegal to have a slave until 2010.
Alan: “So that means that this series I’m finally free…”

Stephen: “There are estimated to be about 27 million people held in bondage, in slavery, around the world-”
Danny, to the audience: “But the show’ll be over soon, so you can go!”

Overall: Nice little show, certainly very fun, probably with more laugh-out-loud moments than the last one. There were just a few too many lulls that kept it from being great. Everybody collaborated, except for maybe Danny at times, and Bill and Alan were giving strong stuff. It took Eddie awhile, but he started acting like himself halfway through and didn’t stop until the end- it was fantastic having him on as a (GASP) special guest.

MVP: Bill
Best Guest: Eddie
Show Winner: Bill
Best Runner: Ghosts.


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