It’s weird- this season started out really strong, got kind of bad for a few episodes, and since the last Ross Noble episode we’ve been unspectacular but fine. In fact, you might argue that Ross Noble has been responsible for the spikes of good in Series H. I certainly hope this is the case, because Ross is on his last show of the Series tonight, after conquering the first show of the season (with the Toblerone-Rolo Combo), and the Ruby Wax episode. Also on tonight are like-minded individual David Mitchell and…pissant Jeremy Clarkson.
As it’s the Health and Safety show, Stephen’s dressed as a doctor, while the panel’s all in hard-hats and construction outfits.
For the first time in a few episodes, the buzzers are kinda funny. Ross’s is an alarm sounding, with ‘DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!’, which he enjoys. Jeremy’s is ‘Vehicle Reversing’, which he facepalms to. Alan’s is an angry high-pitched voice yelling “DON’T TOUCH THE BUTTON!”
Right after intros, Stephen says they can take off their hats.
Ross: “Good thing, or else my hair would be ruined.”
He and Alan take turns whipping around their hair.
After taking the Whitely test, which is punctuated by putting a big Richard Whitely on the behind-screens, Ross scores low, meaning he’s not a hypochondriac
Ross: “But I am terrified that a giant Richard Whitely’s gonna kill me with a clipboard…”
Jeremy: “I didn’t even read the questions, I just put 5 for everything.”
Stephen: “Ah, this explains why you are…”DANGEROUSLY” a hypochondriac.”
Jeremy: “Well, I didn’t know it was because I didn’t read the questions, but I am. I’ve got every disease known to man!”
Ross: “You’re telling me that you’ve got elephantitis?”
Jeremy: “…of the scrotum. No, I’ve got a twisted testicle, a hideous rash, two slipped disks-”
Alan: “AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE…”
Ross: “You know who I feel sorry for the most? Construction-working goths.Because goths, they love a black outfit, but they’ve got to earn a living, and this [uniform] goes against everything they stand for.”
Alan: “But these are reflective…”
Ross: “But…would you want a reflective goth?? I WOULD! I’d want one in me house. BRING OUT THE REFLECTIVE GOTH!”
Ross: “But of this test…what does it mean if you write the answers in your own blood? That’d mess with their heads, wouldn’t it?”
Alan: “Not as bad as if you wrote with someone else’s.”
Alan: “My favorite question from there was…ah, can’t remember it now.”
Ross: “‘DO YOU SUFFER FROM FORGETFULNESS?'”
Stephen talks of an apparatus that’d save people from drowning by blowing smoke up their arse. And shows an older version:
Alan: “BLOW, MAN! FOR GOD’S SAKES! IS IT SUCKING OR BLOWING, I CAN’T REMEMBER!…I THINK IT’S BLOWING IS IT? I DON’T KNOW! BE SURE, MAN, HE’S DROWNING….I’ll do both, I’ll suck first…”
Ross: “So there was a moment where [someone was drowning], and someone said “kiss of life? wait a second…hand me that pipe…”
Ross: “It would be a beautiful sight, though, if we’ve blown the smoke up there, and the person sputters back to life, and then takes off, with the smoke coming out the back! ‘LOOK AT THE SPEED THEY’RE GOING AT!'”
Alan: “Bloke on the left looks like he’s gonna rob his trousers if he doesn’t come ’round.”
Stephen: “No, he’s generating the smoke. They didn’t have an all-around device back then, so he’s getting the pipe ready-”
Jeremy: “Oh, Christ, so he has to french-kiss the pipe…THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SAVING A DROWNING MAN!”
Jeremy: “Well HE’S not drowning…he’s just in the pub!”
Alan: “This is like that scene from Pulp Fiction…”
David: “This is bad, because it feels like at any point, someone can say “I think I’m drowning!”
Ross: “As if that’s not bad enough, the bloke in the background’s going “…I think I’ll get my donkey in on this…”
Stephen: “OH, WHEN YOU SAID BLOW SMOKE UP MY *ASS*…I THOUGHT…”
Stephen talks of a woman who was nearly killed by a gorilla, thinking her long glances as mocking.
Alan: “AND SHE WAS REVIVED…BY SMOKE!”
David: “Did they check that it wasn’t just an incredibly annoying woman?”
Stephen: ‘After attacking her, he went into a cafe, where he caused a bit of a commotion…”
Alan: “CAPPUCCINO! DON’T LOOK AT ME!”
Jeremy answers a question saying that a spike right in the middle of your steering wheel would improve car safety.
David: “Wouldn’t that sort-of reduce the point of having a car at all?”
Jeremy: “…quite a lot.”
David: “If you made cars perpetually on fire, people will probably be frightened to get in them at all…”
Stephen: “What equipment do children need to play conkers?”
Jeremy: “I haven’t heard the noise yet, so…”
He holds up his goggles.
Stephen: “Why would I stick my finger up your bottom if you couldn’t name seven bald men aside from Yul Brynner?…That is one of the oddest questions I’ve ever asked on QI…”
Alan reveals that sticking a finger up a dog’s bottom can help them stop biting you.
Ross: “You can use a stick, or other implement. It doesn’t have to…the dog’s not gonna go ‘is that a pen? I’m not releasin'”
David: “I think it’s such a considerate move…to take out a pen when a dog’s biting your arm. ‘No, not the fountain pen, just the BIC!'”
Ross: “Though, to be fair, the dog in my scenario is also a talking dog…”
Stephen: “OKAY, GOOD…THAT’S NICE, BUT…”
David: “Going back to your sensible question…”
Stephen: “But, there is only one proven way of stopping hiccups, and that is-”
Stephen: “No, a DIGITAL RECTAL MASSAGE…”
Jeremy: “I never knew the bottom was a passageway to so many medical cures…”
Stephen: “When you say digital rectal massage…was there a point where it changed from ANALOG?”
On how to save Jeremy from a threatening environmentalist:
Ross: “I’d punch a horse. I’d get a shetland pony, I’d just throw it around, not to hurt it but to punch it a bit, and there’d be a dilemma of ‘do we carry on the Clarkson attack, or do we go for the bloke with the horse?”
Jeremy: “Horses are tricky, because they produce methane, which some environmentalists believe is stronger than global warming-”
Ross: “Oh, well in that case I’d just turn the horse ’round, get a lighter, use it as a flamethrower.”
Stephen: “The point is, you’d help, wouldn’t you?”
Alan: “No, I’d video it, honestly…”
Look, as much of an ass as Jeremy is, he’s giving a nice showing tonight, he’s working well with people, and he’s being less of a loner-curmudgeon than he has in the past. He’s obviously not the best panelist of the night so far, but he’s still giving an effort.
On how a seahorse can help you get around town:
David: “That’s just disgusting. It’s like he’s got a leg of lamb for a face…”
Ross: “I love that he’s still put a tie on. ‘I might look like a freak, but I’m gonna be a smart freak…”
Jeremy “I read somewhere that, because of the limbic system, that you can be blindfolded and sense when a lion’s come into the room- you can sense danger.”
Ross: “And it’s going RRRRAAAAARRR. And everybody’s going ‘THERE’S A BLUDDY LION IN THE ROOM!”
Alan tries to ‘double up on safety’ by putting the gorilla glasses and goggles on at the same time.
David: “Great, now you can show a GORILLA a science experiment..”
Stephen: “The robin on the left wouldn’t be able to navigate at all…”
Alan: “Cause he’s pissed!”
After Stephen reveals that one of a pigeon’s eyes can see magnetism, and throws something off there
Ross: “So you’re saying that it’s physically impossible for a pigeon to carry a fridge magnet? NO WONDER MY BUSINESS FAILED!”
Stephen says that the only reason people are advised not to take antibiotics with alcohol is simply tradition
David: “Now I’m gonna be more inclined not to drink alcohol while on antibiotics. If it’s traditional, then that’s fine. I respect tradition! If we stop observing them, they’ll disappear.”
Ross: “The trouble with that is that by that logic, you’ll be dressed as a morris dancer!
You can tell that this was a pretty bombastic show because the second Alan learns he lost with -6, he wonders aloud how he got -6, and all four panelists start arguing and talking over Stephen as he’s trying to do the final standup.
Overall: Incredibly fun show to get things back on track. The panel dynamic was pretty great, and Ross and David had some of the best moments, the former with his really nice lines, the latter with some momentary logical rage. Jeremy had a nice show too, but brings up the rear solely for not connecting as much as the other two. Just a lot of nice moments.
Best Guest: David
Show Winner: David
Best Runner: Smoke up the Arse