Oooooh. This is gonna be interesting.
Phill Jupitus, the once and future king of Buzzcocks, only missed one show in the series’ complete history, and we have arrived at that show. It was do to a random sickness, and the producers weren’t pushing the shoot.
However…they got quite possibly the most fitting replacement for Phill, on his only absence. They got Frankie Boyle.
So now, on an episode where Greg Davies is supposed to Guest Host, and featuring a pretty nice panel with appearances from Tinchy “De Knickas” Stryder, Holly Walsh, for some reason Ian “H” Watkins (from Steps), and Amy Childs from The Only Way is Essex (as, in Phill’s absence, there has to be at least some Essex presence on the panel)…Frankie Boyle’s gonna come in and ANNIHILATE the dynamic.
The cold open, of course, has to explain this- it’s Noel’s answering machine, and Phill, calling Noel “Field-mouse”, calling in sick from “the Gadhaffi funeral’, and saying they’ve got a really big comedian to host…cut to GIGANTIC Greg.
And yes, Greg introduces Frankie as “children’s author and family favorite”, so at least they all know what they’re getting into. Also…I can imagine putting Frankie on the same panel as H from Steps may have been an ingenious move from a producer. At least it wasn’t Dappy.
Oh gosh, even better, Frankie Boyle has to talk about Justin Bieber. It’s as if they’d been answering my mail.
This is another round where they’re given props, and Frankie, of course, gets bagpipes. He even smiles as he holds them up.
On which of them ruining a Justin Bieber gig:
Frankie: “The only thing that could really ruin a Justin Bieber gig would be a gun jamming in the darkness…”
AND WE’RE OFF!
Frankie: “A genderless…obviously sexless, though if he was in prison, he’d get thrown about like a dog toy…I would do him in a pinch, d’you know what I mean?”
Amy: “But I love Justin Bieber!”
Greg: “Not necessarily a bad thing to imagine Frankie having sex with him, is it, Amy?”
Amy: “No, that’s disgusting, I don’t even wanna think about that…”
Frankie: “Well, you are in for a long show…”
Amy: “I just can’t say anything bad about him…”
Noel: “Really? Try. It’s pretty easy…”
Greg: “Tinchy, people of extreme height have to stick together. When I went to Thorpe Park. they wouldn’t let me on the rides either…”
Holly, during the pe-jazzling conversation: “You ever seen a porno where a vajazzle and a pejazzle meet?”
Frankie: “It’d be like Alien vs. Predator…”
Greg: “If I dipped my testicles in glue, and dragged them along the floor of a barber’s, would that be considered a pejazzle?”
Frankie: “You’ve stolen that from an episode of art-attack, haven’t you?’
Noel: “I think the only reason they got you into it is cause they like how you say [perfect Amy voice] VA-JAZZULLL…”
Amy: “Do I really talk like that? I don’t know how I talk.”
Noel: “No, you talk like this: [Proper, manly voice]: Vajazzle! Like Roger Moore. Watch James Bond, that’s how you talk. ‘Anyone for a vajazzle?'”
On the Steps reunion, Greg: “Which one of Steps is MOST doing it for the money.”
H: “…Nobody’s DESPERATE!”
Noel: “What I love about that is you could have gone “well, nobody’s desperate”, but instead you went “NOBODY’S DESPERATE!!!!”
Greg: ‘So you had a falling out?”
H: “Well, Claire and I went off and did our thing?”
Greg: “So the other 3. Which is the one you hate most out of the three?”
H: “I DON’T HATE ANY OF THEM!”
Greg, to the camera: “It’s Lee Latchford-Evans, ladies and gentlemen…”
Greg says that Dido publicly slagged Steps off, saying they were depressing.
H, heartbroken: “I…SHE’S A TWO-FACED BITCH!”
Greg: “Which of the objects d’you think ruined the gig?”
Frankie: “We don’t know, we don’t care…H, THE HOPE HAS DIED IN YOUR EYES…”
Amy: “Why don’t you do a collaboration together…Steps and Tinchy? How does that sound?”
Tinchy, knowing he can’t but trying to hide it: “You know what? I…I dunno, man…”
I’ve slagged off some of the producer gimmicks this season, but they’ve got a good one here. Greg pulls out Tinchy’s book of rejected names, which is…very small. And Tinchy’s even playing along, saying “I REMEMBER THAT BOOK!”
Some of the ones in there are 1Pac, Not Very B.I.G., Busta Nursery Rhymes
Frankie, on Greg and Tinchy: “It’s like the two of you are from Different dimensions…”
Greg: “I thought you were gonna say ‘Diff’rent Strokes…”
Frankie AND H absolutely lose it at that one.
Tinchy says he doesn’t talk about the price tags on his bling, but his best one costs “as much as a Range Rover.”
Greg: “Oh, so 40 grand…”
Tinchy: “You good with maths?”
Greg: “No, I just know how much a Range Rover costs…”
Frankie: “WHAT RAPPER *HINTS* about the value of his bling? RAPPERS DON’T *HINT!*”
Greg: “I’m not telling you how much my bling costs, but…if you had a range-rover…”
Noel: “Yeah, a RangeRover’s like the most middle-class thing you could’ve picked…”
Greg: “D’you know what strikes me about those three props? I just think you’re perfectly placed to recreate the death of Abraham Lincoln…”
Noel’s team takes turns trying to fire the nerf-gun at Greg, and Tinchy finally hits him…which leads Greg to, embarrassedly, go “RIGHT. GAME’S OVER. TINCHY’S RUINED IT FOR YOU ALL…”
Greg: “I have now been shot in the face by a rapper, though, that’s pretty fucking awesome…”
Noel, on P. Diddy: “He’s got a butler called Bentley, too” [Fonzworth, that is]
Greg: “What’s he cost? About the price of a Bentley? EH?”
Tinchy: “Probably a Bentley and a Range Rover as well…”
Frankie: “D’you realize that this is a type of autism that you’ve got?”
Holly: “I reckon that Tinchy goes to a cash boy and it’s “A FIESTA…AN ESPACE…”
Once Greg tells Noel’s team that they’re right, Holly fires several Nerf rounds into the air. I should mention that this post is at 1000 words and we’ve just gotten through the first round. I think this one might be a classic if it keeps being this amazing.
Amy: “Don’t make it hard for me…”
H and Frankie: [Excessive Giggling]
H screws up part of the first intro
Frankie: “THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT IT! I know that you haven’t got a musical background…”
Amy: “H, put a few song words in there…”
H: “Well, that’s not the point of the game, is it?”
Amy: “I’d rather listen to Tinchy’s music than this music…”
Frankie: “IT’S NOT *THAT* BAD…”
Greg: “Noel’s team, any clue what that was?”
Noel: “Is it…Michael Jackson?”
Greg: “No. Tinch.”
Tinchy: “Is it…Michael Jackson?”
I was not expecting Frankie and H to have an especially good go at Intros…but by God, their version of ‘Moves Like Jagger’ is pretty nice.
Amy: “Can you sing a little bit?”
Greg: “…Why don’t we print out the TITLE and give you that?”
There’s a nice runner about everything that Greg hands to Tinchy is GIGANTIC in the Tinchy shot and very small in Greg’s. A ton of trick shots over the course of the episode are making this work. Is it a bit too artificial? At times, but it’s still funny enough, and Greg AND Tinchy are pretty game. Plus, the visual of Tinchy trying to read GIGANTIC Intros cards is pretty amazing.
Greg: “It’s even funnier than I imagined…”
Noel and Tinchy trying to do Leyla by Derek and the Dominoes…is pretty hysterical, because Noel knows it, and Tinchy’s occasionally chiming in with a melody, or with a drumbeat. He just ends it with ‘YEAH.’
Greg: “Bonnie Tyler sang at Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas’ wedding. Apparently she sang Catherine’s favorite song for Michael…’Granddad, We Love You.”
GONE. I’M GONE.
It’s revealed that Tinchy’s never been to a wedding, so he agrees, even to get married to Amy.
Tinchy: “…that was easy…”
Frankie: “You think this is easy now, wait until you’re married to her!”
Greg’s intro for #5 in the ‘A Little bit of Luck’ ID Parade is “A little bit funny…THIS FEELING INSIIIIDE…I’M NOT ONE OF THOSE WHO CAN…”
H: “EASILY HIIIIDE…”
All the while, #5’s just rolling his eyes…clearly above this shit.
Frankie: “It’s like they tried to film the Sopranos in Leeds or something like that…I mean, there’s only two of them that you’d accept a drink from…”
H: “I don’t think they’re Steps fans, are they?”
Greg: “Raise your hand if you are a Steps fan?”
Greg: “RIGHT ACROSS THE BOARD!”
Frankie: “And d’you notice- NOBODY in the audience either, H?”
Tinchy raises his hand
Frankie: “No, he just wants to go to the bathroom…”
Frankie: “Are these guys Simon Cowell’s ACTUAL fiancees?”
Holly: “#4 and 5 look like the film Twins…FORTY YEARS LATER…”
Greg asks if Tinchy wants to take a closer look, which is mainly an excuse for this shot to happen:
Frankie: “They look like a Zombie Showaddywaddy…”
Tinchy: “What do you think?”
Noel: “Well, it’s not the Penguin…”
Holly, to Greg: “You must remember the days…how old were you when you were dancing to this?”
Greg: “I was a little kid, I’m only in my late thirties…”
Tinchy: “How old are you?”
Greg: “How old do you think I am?”
Tinchy: “I think you’re 40+..”
Greg: “Be specific, Tinchy…”
Tinchy: “I think you’re like [smirk], like, round the same age that a range-rover would cost…”
The whole room applauds for this.
Noel, summing up the whole episode: “That was a great joke, AND it’s the only one that can go in the show…”
Interesting change of pace for tonight. Instead of Next Lines (GRRRR), Greg introduces a round based on his years of school-teaching, which are music-based exam questions (i.e. ‘What is Yaz’ first law of physics?’ ‘The only way is up.'”
Greg: “Holly, spell the name of Coldplay’s latest album, which I don’t think I can even pronounce?”
(It was Mylo Xyloto)
Greg: “AND PLEASE WELCOME OUR SPECIAL GUESTS…”
Greg: “True or false: We don’t need no education.”
Greg: “Of course, false. Qualifications are very important…”
Greg: “Frankie’s team, you need 5 points to win.”
Frankie: “We can do it…”
Amy: “Course we can…”
Frankie: “…I thought we were gonna win, and then I heard your voice behind me…”
On what regulations Britney Spears is breaking in the ‘Baby One More Time’ video
Frankie: “Being a crazy, mental slut.”
Greg: “…that’ll do…”
Overall: …WHOA. Possibly the best episode of Buzzcocks since the Martin Freeman and Dappy installment. This was…INSANE. The panel was the tightest and craziest it’s ever been, Greg was an admirable, sharp and hysterical guest host, probably our best so far. H probably had the least amount of input, but he was still hysterical. Holly had some of the best lines. Greg had loads of fun screwing with Tinchy, leading to his best episode yet. Amy was great in dealing with Frankie, who himself was a pretty great Guest Phill, a great team captain, and didn’t take the focus away from Greg, or the game. He was insanely game, and it was a great sendoff for him on the program. Just an all-around wonderful show, with lots of great moments worthy of several rewatches.
Guest Host Rating: 10/10. Well done, Mr. Davies.
Best Team Captain: Definitely Frankie
Best Guest: Tinchy
Best Runner: Greg and Tinchy’s height difference.