Puzzler here, I’d say. This is the last episode of the season for Dara O’Briain, and for Jimmy Carr. Also, for some reason, sportscaster Claire Balding is here. Hey, whatever they want.
the first question concerns manure
Alan: “My mother used to scrape it from off the street…and put it in my dad’s hat. No…”
Claire says she actually doesn’t think horse poo is that bad, at least not compared to dog poo.
Jimmy: “Hang on, are we comparing poos now, is this what the game is? If so, then this show has CHANGED!”
Jimmy says that slipping on a banana peel came from the actual trend of slipping on horse manure.
Dara: “You see, that makes a lot of sense, because I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever slipped on a banana pee-”
Alan raises his hand.
Jimmy: “That is a COMMITMENT to comedy…”
Stephen: “Was this in comedy school, or once you graduated…”
Alan: “No, this was in the chapel market, in Islington…”
Stephen says that the motorcar saved the roads in New York, after the horse manure problem
Jimmy: “Did Jeremy Clarkson put you up to this?”
On the advantage to a guide-horse over a guide-dog
Alan: “Won’t shag the leg of every random passerby…”
Jimmy: “Though, if it does, I think it’s more of a problem…”
Stephen says a disadvantage would be in a bar or restaurant, a dog could at least curl up or hide under the table, and a horse couldn’t. Alan and Dara just start miming leaving a horse in the bar. Alan even goes “You go home, I’m gonna STAY…”
Dara compares a horse getting up out of bed to a video game character.
Alan, deadpan: “Dara hasn’t played a video game since the 1980’s…”
Dara looks at him like “…yeah, maybe, but…”
On what horses can’t do.
Jimmy: “They can’t vomit. And that’s why they get that…weird thing, where they die.”
Alan: “Can’t get the ol’ hoof down the throat…”
Stephen: “When did humans start using dogs as a guide-”
Jimmy: “I reckon it’s gonna be something like Roman.”
Stephen: “You’re absolutely right…”
Jimmy: “It’s always Roman, innit? Have you not seen this show before?”
Stephen: “How would you use one of THESE to calm a horse down?”
Alan: “Calm it down? What I’m thinking of’s not gonna calm it down…”
Jimmy: “Have these been used? Cause if they are what I think they are, I don’t think I wanna touch it…”
After Claire gets the question right
Stephen: “She knows, she knows…”
Dara, the voice of reason: “Of COURSE she knows, she’s Claire Balding!”
Claire: “I couldn’t let Alan get any more, but I thought ‘oh, yeah, might as well give ‘im a go, but he was nearly right…”
Dara and Alan are playing around with the horse prop
Jimmy: “Is this like Whose Line is it Anyway, from, like, 10 years ago?”
Stephen talks about how bulldogs were trained and bred to pull down bulls by their lips, but it’s unclear how successful they were judging by the photo:
Alan: “…hasn’t gone so well in that picture, has it?”
Stephen: “How do you do the opposite [to a horse]?”
Dara: “…just hit ’em in the nada…”
Stephen: “Further back, actually…”
Dara: “Really, in the bum?”
Stephen: “Yes, but what, in the bum, is what I want to know”
Dara: “Well, anything, really, is gonna get you afraid…”
Jimmy: “I think it’s more the act of putting it in there.”
Alan, buzzing in: “Ice cube. Or…a popsicle…”
Jimmy: “Sounds like there won’t be a story there…”
Alan: “Brings me back to the hot summer of ’76…”
Dara: “‘We’re always out of popsicles!’ ‘AGAIN?'”
Claire: “I always liked the milk ones…”
Stephen: “But purely for consumption, right Claire?”
Dara: “Yeah, I really don’t think flavor is a major issue when you talk about the ones you shove up your ass…”
Dara, on Westerns on TV: “Bit of a letdown, Champion the Wonder-Horse. Because it was a great title sequence. ‘CHAMPIOOON, THE WON-DER HORSE’ ‘WHEEEEHH’ That’s kind of all he did.”
Alan: “In the end, y’now, he’s a horse…so…”
Dara: “If they cut to Champion taking a blind person shopping, then…”
Stephen: “What is this sound?”
[Sound clip plays]
Jimmy: “…I’m gonna say it’s that bear.”
Jimmy: “WHAT? In the conventions of television, if you show a picture of something…”
There’s a question about online hunting, which leads to this visual:
Claire, on the photo: “Always look ahead, Jimmy…”
Dara: “I’m sorry, are you commenting on his horsemanship here? Claire…that’s not actually him on the horse…”
Alan: “He’s got that all wrong…straight away. ‘GET OFF MAH LAND!’ ‘Uhhh the gun…is not in your hands…”
Stephen: “What happened to the war-horses that survived?”
Alan: “They…settled in the south of France, opened a Caravan park?”
Jimmy: “Of course, they couldn’t learn the language. Had to end up moving back.”
For the first time ever, or since David’s been on, a klaxon has been specifically engineered for Claire Balding. Stephen asks what color the Lone Ranger’s horse it. Claire, being a horse expert, guesses grey…and it’s wrong. Alan, being Alan, guesses white…and is correct.
Stephen: “Although all thoroughbred grays are descended from one gray…”
Stephen: “…it was a wild stab in the dark. If it would have come off, my god would you have gotten points…”
Stephen: “How many horsepower do you get from one horse.”
Dara and Jimmy argue about which one will actually take the fall.
Jimmy: “Shall I take the bullet? Alright, I’d say about one.”
Stephen: “What weapon did 19th century whalers use to kill whales?”
Alan, hesitantly: “…arrrre ya lookin’ for a harpoon?”
Yes, Claire wins, but I kind of thought she’d win by more than one…
Overall: One of the weaker installments of the already middle-of-the-road Series H. Not that this didn’t have some fun moments, it’s just that the presence of Claire, while welcome, stopped a lot of the more collaborative jokes from happening, and it really never got off the ground. A few questions led to some nice conversations, and Dara had a funny night, while Jimmy played a Jupitus-esque game and argued against his klaxons, but…it was an imperfect, quieter show.
Best Guest: Jimmy
Show Winner: Claire
Best QI Fact: seeing eye horse.