Nevermind Watchdown: S26E09, or I’ve Never Before Been So Scared of a Gymnast

Well, as if this season couldn’t be any more on a roll, the NMTB gods have made this panel one to remember. Not only is Josh Widdicombe on Phill’s team, along with olympian gymnast and then-Strictly contestant Louis Smith, but Noel’s entire panel is one for the ages- Paloma Faith on his left, and Tony Law on his right. Which means I don’t think much coherent thought will be coming from Noel’s side.

Hosting tonight is TV personality and bandleader Alex Horne, and his ENTIRE HORNE SECTION. So..hopefully that’ll be cool.

The opening is a version of the NMTB theme by the insanely cool band onstage, which is a nice little change of pace.

Also, THIS is what Noel’s panel looks like tonight:
Screen Shot 2017-03-23 at 2.37.33 PM.png
…this is gonna be insane.

Alex even calls out Josh for wearing too normal clothes.
Josh: “I mean, I came in with a checkered shirt, and they said ‘no, it won’t work on TV’..”
Tony, southern accent: “Josh, you look good, don’t listen to ’em…”

Tony: “Tell us about your look, Noel…”
Noel: “I’m a mouse-cat. MOUSE-CAT…he chases himself…MOUSE-CAT, he’s…awkward in social situations…”

Noel’s team has to answer a question about Michael Jackson
Phill: “Normally when someone on this show gets a Michael Jackson question, they usually take the tactic that he’s a bit weird. I SENSE YOUR TEAM REALLY WON’T BE ABLE TO DO THAT…”

Louis says he’s a big Michael Jackson fan.
Josh: “Olympic gymnastics would be a lot better if you just moonwalked…”
Louis: “What, up and down the pummel horse?”
Josh: “Yeah, if you’d have gone up and down the pummel horse, moonwalking…you might have won gold…”
[Audience OOOOHHHHs]

Noel: “The thing is, I get the feeling that Michael Jackson might have had a llama…”
Alex: “…what d’you mean ‘had’?”

The periodic band digressions, one for Louis and the pummel horse, remind me of Roger McGough’s poetry breaks…only these ones are slightly more entertaining. SLIGHTLY.

One of the options for Susan Boyle is ‘start a fight’
Phill: “One would reckon that when Susan Boyle starts a fight, she damn well finishes…”
Josh: ‘When she started a fight, she didn’t actually GLOVE UP…”
Noel: “I feel like she was getting something out of the oven, and then started a fight…”
Tony: “Hey, if you’re with someone new you should always glove up…amirite?”

Louis is being very coy about the details of his X Factor audition
Noel: “What did you sing?”
Louis: “…songs…”

Alex, already starting a bit, is going “well, I won’t make you sing” to Louis…and then he starts putting on the glove, and Alex goes “OH SHIT…”
Alex: “That makes it hurt less, right?”
Louis: “…just makes it less…illegal…”

Louis ends the intro of Ghost Town with a little ‘ta-daaah’ arm motion.
Josh: “…I really hope you ended your X-Factor audition like that…”

Instead of playing in the clip for ‘here’s how it should have sounded’, the Horne section does a really good rendition of each one- the Ghost Town one really works.

Josh, after the 2nd intro: “I’m sorry Louis, but you haven’t made it through to boot camp…”
Josh: “…I’m sorry…”
Louis: “You’re not sorry at all.”
Josh: “ALRIGHT! I’ve never before been so scared of a gymnast!”

Right before his intros round, Tony just flat-out puts on a luchador mask to concentrate.
Man, this guy is just out of bounds..

To complement that, Paloma and Noel do the first intro in spanish, and Tony’s even cracking up a bit.

Louis: “I know it’s not Moon River, cause I’ve been dancing to that all afternoon…”

I love how two of the intros are House of Fun by Madness and Ghost Town by the Specials, kicking back into the ska roots of the Mark Lamarr era, as well as making the replays by the band a bit easier.

Alex, trying to speed the show ahead: “Joe’s got a gig tomorrow, so I might have to push you ahead…”
Noel: “What, at least you brought your own band. I’ve got Paloma and THIS NUTCASE…I’m like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest right now…”

Alex has the one silly, Rich Hall-esque joke of the night: “If you’ve never heard of Deep Purple, they’re like a cross between Simply Red…and Blue.”

Screen Shot 2017-03-23 at 3.31.01 PM.pngJosh: “2…is made of wax. 2 is made of the fat you lost two series ago…”
Screen Shot 2017-03-23 at 3.31.35 PM.png

As Alex has been picking fitting music to go with rounds, esp. ID Parade, he asks Paloma for a genre suggestion.
Paloma: “…let’s go with prog-rock…”
Noel: “That’s why I love her.”

Paloma: “#5 looks like his eyes never get wet in the rain…”
Phill: “This show is gonna have to have a separate audio channel explanation on the red button…”

Noel does another good minute of MouseCat digressions with Tony, and while they’re all funny and too good to write down, the funniest part is when Paloma just flat out interrupts the MouseCat-ing by just yelling out “ONE!”

They do keep Next Lines, but the questions are performed by the band, which is a nice touch.

Best part is when Paloma realizes they’re singing her song, and chimes in with a perfect melody of the song. It’s a great moment, especially with a natural performer like Paloma Faith.

Overall: A fun little show, maybe falling closer to the middle this series. The entire panel had some great moments, and everyone was on- Noel’s team was on fire tonight in the wildest ways possible, though Tony’s show wasn’t as good as his last one. Paloma had a great night, Josh had some great lines, and while Louis didn’t have very thick skin about the X-Factor jabs, he did at least look like he was enjoying himself. Alex was a good host, though the little songs he’d make up sort of detracted from the show a bit.

Guest Host Rating: 8/10. Not bad.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Paloma
Best Runner: MouseCat

Nevermind Watchdown S26E08, or I’m Gonna Need Counseling After This Show

As we are somehow more than HALFWAY through this surprisingly well-rounded season of Buzzcocks, we move onto an episode guest-hosted by journalist and morning show host Richard Madeley, who’s still probably only going to be the 2nd-best Richard to host the show this series. At least we have Seann ‘Anal Danger’ Walsh on the panel, as well as Maverick Sabre. Also, Heidi Range was with the Sugababes, and Andrew O’Neill is our ‘requisite comedian’, as well as a transvestite. Eddie Izzard wasn’t in town evidently.

Also, this was…somehow the 250TH BUZZCOCKS EVER AIRED. WOW. They pulled out some stops, as Noel and Phill spin the WHEEL OF HOSTS to figure out who’s gonna do it, and while there are some pretty nice choices in there (including Miss Piggy, Lenny Henry, David Beckham, Tom Hanks, Cher, Daniel Radcliffe and Bobby Davro) before landing on Richard Madeley, who makes a nice entrance.

Noel: “Flying lessons would be a pretty good present..”
Seann: “On a plane, right? Not…” [flaps]
Noel: “Not from a duck..”

Heidi admits she takes valium on flights.
Richard: “What’s it do to you?”
Heidi: “It makes me happy…”
Richard: “Are you on some now?”

Richard attempts to play the miniature piano, but it’s insanely out of tune, so it doesn’t work.
Noel: “Do you play the piano?”
Richard: “Yeah, by ear…though usually with my hands.”
Richard’s thing is he knows exactly who he is, and he’s just trying to have a good time, which is nice.

Seann puts the pilot’s hat on
Richard: “He looks like that guy from Independence Day, doesn’t he?”
Seann: “Yeah, I look exactly like Will Smith…”
Richard: “No, the one who took it up the ass from the aliens.”
Seann: [throws helmet off]

Phill, on the P. Diddy seafood option: “I mean, projectile vomiting at a P. Diddy is normally something- well, you’d book in. You’d organize that…”
Andrew: “I just read a biography on P. Diddy, and he’s part-clam. Not the bits you can see, the back half…”
Noel’s gotta be impressed by this guy…

Phill also throws in that “his mortal enemy are the Klu Klux Clams.”, which garners a high-five from Andrew.

Seann, post-clam jokes: “What’s going on?”
Phill: “Pay attention, Walsh. P. Diddy’s half-clam.”
Noel: “look at the lion, he’s half-lion…”
Phill: “Seann, do this for me: ‘PUT ‘EM UPPP, PUT ‘EM UPPP…”

Once they get the right answer, Andrew prompts a dramatic pose:
Screen Shot 2017-03-16 at 5.41.00 PM.png

After a standup where Richard says to Diddy, who says they’re an art to sexting, that “you only need three emojis- smiley-face, cum-face, sleepy-face.”
Seann: “I just heard Richard Madeley say ‘cum-face’…”
Noel: “I’m still drinking that in…”

Phill’s second intro, he even says ‘there’s no pride in guessing this one’
Richard: ‘Andrew, d’you want it again?”
Phill: “We don’t want it again. No one would want this again.”
Richard: “…let’s have it again…”
Phill: “…lucky Judy…”

Noel: “I think Seann’ll know it..”
Seann: “Is it ‘Maybe on my Birthday’ by Anal Danger?”
YES! So glad he brought this back…

There’s a running gag where Seann just starts thrashing his head to the Marilyn Manson song, then stops and wonders why nobody else was doing it. The second they play in the Simply Red song, Seann starts banging his head again.

Richard has a great, Lamarr-esque line with “Simply Red have not released an album in 5 years, to great acclaim. In fact, the decision for them not to release an album in 5 years has gotten them nominated for a Brit.”

Richard: “I don’t wanna spread rumours and innuendo, but there’s a rumour going around that Marilyn Manson got a rib remove so that he could perform oral sex on himself. If that’s true, he’s wasted a lot of time and money, because all you have to do is fall backwards into a wheely-bin.”
Phill, after the laughter subsides: “…I’m gonna need counseling after this show…”
Andrew: “Is that what that woman was doing for that cat? Doing him a favor?”
Phill: “Cause, to be honest, I’ve SEEN cats, they can already do it…”
Richard: “Marilyn’s ex-wife-”
Phill, still going: “They never do it to me, I never know how much cat food to put on it…”
Noel, to Seann: “As a lion, are you offended by that?”
Seann: “That’s my MUM you’re talking about!”

Seann: “I think it’d be brilliant if towards the end of this episode Judy came out from under that desk…”
Richard, peeking under for a moment: “…she’s not finished yet.”
The whole panel explodes. Phill just starts screaming, going “MY EYES!!!”
Sean even goes one step further:
Screen Shot 2017-03-16 at 5.56.32 PM.png

Seann, guessing Noel and Heidi’s first intro: “Is it someone chasing a bus and then stepping on a cat?”
Noel: “…by?”

Noel: “What do lions listen to?”
Seann, trying to imitate the song from Lion King: “BGAAAAAAAA NIPEENGAAAAAA…”

Richard: “How about the other team? Any thoughts?”
Phill: “Yeah, I’d like to be on a different quiz, please, Richard…”

The gimmick for Intros is that both of them had appeared on the lineup back in Series 1.

Screen Shot 2017-03-16 at 6.04.56 PM.pngMaverick: “#4 looks like a Soviet spy…”

Andrew: “#5’s got kind eyes like Paul McCartney. I’d want him to be my dad…however, that position’s taken, so he’d have to kill my dad first…”
Phill: “#4 could kill him…”

Richard: “D’you remember what he looked like?”
Phill: “Yeah, I remember everything with CRYSTAL CLARITY, Richard, I’ve got 100% total recall…”
Richard: “So which one is it?”
Phill: “….i don’t fucking know…”

Noel: ‘Why are they called the Bandit Beatles?”
Phill: “They only do gigs in Mexico. [Mexican accent]: OH JES, AFTER WE DO THE CONCERT WE PLAY HEY JUDE, DEN WE HIT DE BANK. Den there will be hordes of TEQUILA. Den we have to play Ticket to RRRIDE…”
Andrew: “Hey, GRINGO!”
Phill: [completely loses it laughing]

Phill: “Well one of them’s a Bandit Beatle, but one of the other five has got to get back to Metropolis and make things tricky for Superman…”

And now…wwwait a minute. For Noel’s team…CATHY DENNIS, legendary hitmaker, songwriter and kookbag is on the lineup. Of all the Garlickings in all the world, I never thought Cathy Dennis would end up in the lineup. This is odd. And yes, it’s obviously #2 because she hasn’t changed much in all these years.

Richard even says “she’s written Toxic for Britney Spears, and she’s incredibly rich.”
Noel: “Really? Then why’s she doing this??”

Seann says he ran into #5 on the tube.
Noel: “I think it’s #2…”
Seann: “No, I didn’t run into her on the tube! WHY?”
Noel, gritted teeth: “Cause…a Sugababe told me?”

Only thing is Cathy, the whole time, had gritted teeth and this fixed glare. Granted, the show kind of lampooned her, especially the last time she was on, but still, I’m just surprised she came back.

Instead of Next Lines, there’s a round where both teams get Richard to guess celebrities shown onscreen behind him, which sort of works.

For Chris Martin:
Seann: “UHHH…plays up front for Norwich…”

Overall: A pretty nice retrospective that also doubles as a pretty nice stand-alone episode. Richard did a nice enough job hosting, not going too over the top, but at the same time having some really nice material and demeanor. Seann had a career night, and Andrew had some nice lines, while Maverick was a quieter presence, and Heidi didn’t do anything. Tonight was also a sort of reclamation for Phill, who busted out after a few quieter episodes in a row.

Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Pretty nice stuff, Richard.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Seann
Best Runner: Seann the lion.

Nevermind Watchdown: S26E07, or CLASSIC SHEERAN!

Well, we’ve hit a milestone. Richard Ayoade hosted an episode of Nevermind the Buzzcocks, and now, here we are, watching it.

This episode has a panel of three relatively trusted returning players, Matthew Crosby, the Noisettes’ Shingai Shoniwa and Caroline Flack, and someone who’s currently one of the biggest pop artists in the country, Ed Sheeran. This should be a nice one.

Richard’s stuff works because it’s so droll, so sarcastic, yet still overpowering and driving. Even if his opening standup, Phill and Noel are absolutely losing it.

Richard does end with saying “For once on NMTB, let’s put our heads down and have a discussion about music without resorting to JOKES…the COWARD’s way out…”

One of the props for what Britney Spears had in her dressing room is a dartboard with Christina Aguilera’s face on it.
Matthew: “I brought this anyway, so this is just a happy coincidence.”

Phill jokes that Britney’s middle name is ‘The Viking’, and she’s a renowned darts player.
Richard: “I wonder why more people don’t know that.”
Shingai: “That’s why we watch this show.”
Richard: “…why ARE we watching this show?…Really hard to know, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s just company, loneliness.”
Man, his dry stuff is hitting more than Jack Dee’s did the last time..

On the Simon Cowell spoken word CD
Ed: “Does this CD actually exist?”
Richard: “Well, this is just one of the many metaphysical questions we’re trying to address tonight, Ed…”

Caroline says that Simon bought her a photograph of himself as a gift.
Richard: “What do you mean ‘bought’? Did he not own a picture of himself?”
Caroline: “It’s actually in my bathroom now.”
Richard: “Doing what?”
Caroline: “Looking at me. Watching me shower. It sort of wakes me up in the morning…”
Phill: “Yeah, but there’s waking up, and then there’s ‘AAAAAIIIIIGHHHH!”

Ed: ‘I mean, the Yanks are usually obsessed with Brits…”
Noel: “The YANKS?”
Phill: “…the Yanks is a condition you get when you compulsively masturbate…”

Ed, on the square melon: “Didn’t they used to have one of these on The Simpsons? That’s where I saw it first.”
Phill: “I feel like I could be playing into Mr. Sheeran’s hands if I say that the Simpsons…is not a documentary…”

The whole ‘no jokes’ approach to this episode is making this an odd-but-amusing entry to this season, because it’s clearly a very funny show, but Richard’s successes are coming from the fact that he’s trying to avoid making jokes. He’s actually a really nice host, even if he’s in this very droll, sarcastic character.

Phill whispers some of the melody in Shingai’s ear, so she can remember it.
Matthew: “Could you, uh, do it over here, so I could hear it?”
Phill: “No!”

Caroline, on Phill and Shingai’s 1st intro: “I know it, but I can’t think of what it is…”
Richard: “Caroline, not to be pedantic, but that’s the same as not knowing!”

Matthew: “Do we have a fact about ‘Road to Hell’?”
Richard: “Coming up, but I do like your enthusiasm…”

Richard: “Ed and Noel, here are yours for Caroline…”
The card slides WAY past Noel.
Richard: “…sorry, that was sort of aggressive…”

Shingai: “…I’m just glad we all get to spend the night together.”
Ed, ever the cheeky bastard: “…didn’t know that was happening, but I say…”
Richard: “Logistically that sounds very complicated…”
Ed: “I usually pass out around the second time.”
(The audience has a nice reaction to this. Noel and Shingai are amused)
Ed: “After…”
Richard: “You pass out? You’re out cold?”
Ed: “I can manage a couple more if I haven’t had a heavy day.”
Phill: “As long as he has a glass of Squash and a club biscuit he’s GOOD TO GO!”

Richard: “Just have a segment of orange, like in football.”
Ed: “Does that work?”
Richard: “No, but…it is delicious.”

Noel, to Ed: “D’you know what’s funny? When we were in the green room, and you mentioned a few things, and I said ‘I could bring that up’, and you said ‘no, please don’t mention that, I’m a bit of a role model’…AND NOW YOU  JUST…you said you pass out on the second time having sex. Loads of kids are gonna go ‘yeah, d’you know what’s cool? Passing out, second time!’. AND THEY’RE GONNA BE FAKING IT! They’re gonna be like ‘YEEEAHH-UUUUUGHHHH’….I slightly love you.”
Man…almost reminiscent of Robin Ince’s takedown of John Barrowman, just line after line of knocking, and then an amazing finish.

Richard: “Ed, you’re a good lad. Just have a coffee. Or tea.”
Ed: “…but then I’d need to wee halfway through….”
Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 4.55.42 PM.png
Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 4.55.58 PM.pngEd: “You end up in a weird situation where you’re kind of shooting…sideways…”
Richard: “Wow. WOW.”
Matthew: “If you went for a wee in Caroline’s flat, there’s a good chance you’d piss on Simon Cowell’s face…”

Noel, before intros with Ed: “You know there are two of these…I haven’t got to do the last one on my own, have I?”

Ed brings up that he found his mum at a party, with the artist of the 1st intro, “two bottles of wine deep”
Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 5.00.54 PM.png
Richard: “I’ve gotta say…I need five minutes just to shower my mind…”
Ed: “And she tweeted at her the next day to say thank you…”
Richard: “Did she fall asleep during the second bottle?”

Noel and Ed’s 2nd intro, which was Mumford and Sons’ ‘Little Lion Man’, was a pretty unconventional one that still sounded fantastic. One of the better ones this series, I think.

The first ID Parade is just ‘which of these paintings was done by Paul McCartney’, which is an interesting spin, but Richard has some really nice, dry commentary on what all the paintings look like. Again, this is an odd show, but he’s making it insanely memorable.

On one of the Bowie paintings:
Ed: “Maybe he was trying to paint me…”
Richard: “Please don’t tell me you fell asleep on Bowie…”

After Richard reads another fact, this one on Aqua-Krunk
Shingai: “I preferred the jazz funk one.”
Richard: “Yes, but we can’t go back. It’s dead now.”

After a Geri Halliwell next line:
Noel: “Well, how are we gonna know that??? It’s not MUSIC!”

Richard flubs a line on the card, saying “Bard Romance- no, Lady Gaga, Bad Romance…or Bard Romance, her song about Shakespeare.”

The Tiebreak round, now with more music and closeups, has Richard going “the tension here is…unbearable and sexual.”
Noel: “palpable!”
Richard: “…no, it’s not palpable. You literally can’t touch it…as MC Hammer said in his hit song…”

Richard, reading the club: “I am medium height, 5 foot 10.”
Noel: “Ed Sheeran!”
Richard: “No, you need to buzz.”
Richard: “…no…”

Overall: Well, that’s probably one of the best ones of the series so far, even if there’s already been some amazing ones. Richard managed to give this show a shake-up without making things too forced or awkward- he made the show his own, and he held the audience in his hands. Additionally, Ed Sheeran was a great panel presence, and led to some great jokes at his expense, even if he seemed to quiet down as the show went on. Matthew, Shingai and Caroline gave good stuff without being overbearing, and Noel had a really nice night. Just a great show overall, and exactly what this series needed to stay hot.

Guest Host Rating: 10/10. Amazing job, Richard.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Ed
Best Runner: Ed passes out after sex

Nevermind Watchdown: S26E06, or STEP AWAY FROM THE PIGEON.

After a down episode we soldier on, with an episode hosted by…uh, Ne-Yo?

I know Ne-Yo best as the guy who sang the melody on Pitbull’s Give me Everything. He backs people up for a living. What’s he doing hosting?

Good news is we have two time-tested panelists on the bill: David O’Doherty, going back to just being an astonishing panel presence, and Stacey Solomon, the famed beautiful pea-brain. Also here tonight are insanely young singer-songwriter Delilah and X-Factor favorite Aiden Grimshaw.

There’s actually a clever open here, as NeYo ascends the audience stairs, and in the process dances with a fan, takes a selfie with another, completes a chess move, resuscitates an injured audience member, and flat-out relishes the applause, and the moment, all while ‘Let me Love You’ plays. So, if that’s how we’re starting…this better be a good show.

Early on Ne-Yo’s teleprompter reads are a bit wooden, but hopefully he’ll warm up.

The Sorry No Refunds question about Kings of Leon being attacked by shitting pigeons has, I believe, already been asked on this show.

David, with the pigeon prop: “This isn’t a stuffed pigeon, I’m just really good with animals.”
Delilah, picking up the megaphone prop: “STEP AWAY FROM THE PIGEON.”

After Noel’s first bizarre story, this one involving a cat, a milk bottle, fire, and his nan, NeYo goes, slightly alarmed, “ohhh, this is gonna be fun…”

David tucks some of the fireworks into his jacket
Phill: “What kind of hellish suicide-bomber are you?”

After NeYo polishes off a punchline with a Kerry Katona slam (most likely ghostwritten by Frankie Boyle, he leans over and goes “uhh…what’s a Kerry Katona?”
David, through the megaphone: “YOU DON’T…NEED…TO KNOW.”

I also know the answer to the U2 ‘No Refunds’ question- a Giant lemon trapped them inside during the PopMart tour. Still, it’s amusing as hell that they brought an actual old lady as one of the options.

Stacey: “Or…what if the lady pooed on ’em all…”
Screen Shot 2017-03-04 at 1.18.32 AM.png

NeYo throws in a ‘where have American rap artists been shot’ round, because…personalization worked so well last episode!
NeYo: “Where on the body has 50 Cent been shot?”
Noel: “Ballsack!”

Phill: “We’re gonna go with leg.”
NeYo: “Which leg?”
Noel: “The one closest to the gun!”

NeYo reveals that Fiddy was shot 9 times in front of his grandmother’s house.
Phill: “That serves him right for forgetting his grandmother’s birthday!”

NeYo: “Lil Wayne wasn’t shot, but he claims he was stabbed…where?”
David: “Oh, in the integrity.”
Oh, how I missed him…

Noel knows about the U2 lemon incident: “I know this sounds like one of my jokes, but this really happened…”

Great moment. Phill and Delilah’s first intro is NeYo’s song, so he realizes, and smiles to the camera, and the audience.
Phill: “Let’s do it one more time…NEYO…”
David: “Is it one of Ne-Yo’s songs?”
Delilah and Phill: “NO! NO! NO!”
Phill: “Whatever gave you that impression, David?”

David: “Ne-Yo, honey I’m so sorry, but I’ve got loads of songs, and you wouldn’t know any of them either…”

For Jumping Jack Flash, David knows it, and clutches his head, trying to think.
Noel: “David, don’t cover your ears…that won’t help…”

NeYo tells another joke involving the Rolling Stones being on Tony Robinson’s Time Team.
NeYo: “…who is Tony Robinson and what is Time Team?”
Noel: “Tony Robinson…is a dick…No, he’s so not a dick, he’s the nicest man in the world…No, I love Tony Robinson! I’m gonna meet him now, and he’s gonna punch me in the face with a jug!”

Stacey spends the whole round clutching the ‘good luck’ lemon prop.
David: “It’ll be so ironic if Stacey dies of scurvy next year…”

I would like to point out that Stacey Solomon, who is notoriously awful at intros, DOES get the intro to Grease by Frankie Avalon (and company). So yeah. Hell froze over.

For Noel’s ID Parade, Ne-Yo plays in “possibly the worst pop music I have ever heard, something called a Jedward…”

Noel talks about being on a plane with Kasabian and Jedward. “All we kept thinking is if this plane goes down…they’re fucking front page…and at best, we’re just gonna get a tiny picture in the corner.”

Noel: “I can imagine them being quite organized, actually, doing a nice-”
Phill: “Oh, gimme a break. The buffet would have been 400 packets of crisps.”

Noel suggests that Stacey ask the couples some actual questions ‘instead of talking about politics…’
Stacey: “I don’t need to know about Stalin and things like that…”
The panel takes a second to recover from the ridiculousness here.
Noel: “WELL…if I wanted to know about Stalin, obviously I’d phone Jedward first…”

The couple explain that their wedding rings, thanks to Jedward’s officiation, say ‘Jedward forever’
Stacey: “Is it real gold? Melt it down and make a necklace out of it…”
A surprisingly smart idea from…well, Stacey Solomon.

Next Lines: “Don’t wanna be an American idiot.”
Phill’s entire panel: [DOES GUITAR RIFF]
NeYo: [facepalms]

Delilah gets her own lyrics…and can’t remember the next lines.
Delilah: “I can’t, you’re stressing me out!”
Phill, with the megaphone: “WHAT ARE THE WORDS. WHAT ARE THE WORDS.”

Overall: The opposite of last episode- great panel, less-than-great guest host. NeYo tried his best, but took a more relaxed approach, and it definitely showed. Meanwhile, David had a career day, Stacey had some nice lines, Delilah had some nice rapport with Noel, and Aiden had a few good moments. The dynamic was way closer than last episode, even if Neyo wasn’t all the way there. Plus, Noel’s presence proved that the last episode’s failure was also kind of his fault.

Guest Host Rating: 7/10. Eh.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: David
Best Runner: The Megaphone

Nevermind Watchdown: S26E05

We’ve had three great episodes and one shit one. Not a bad rundown.

This episode, while well-stocked, allowed for a crisis for the producers. Noel Fielding was absent, leaving an empty team captain seat. I imagine they called for Frankie Boyle, and he said ‘fuck off’, so they went with one of Frankie’s usual targets, surprisingly awesome NMTB semi-reg Professor Green, to fill Noel’s seat.

Aside from that, we have LEE MACK guest-hosting, Joe Wilkinson and Chris Ramsey playing against each other as opposing irritating comedians, Scottish singer-songwriter Amy Macdonald, and British R&B/soul singer Lemar. That’s a pretty solid panel.

Lee does his own cheesy intro, with many lines he thought he rejected, like “If he were a burger, he’d be a Big Mac with extra cheese”, and “If we could afford him, he’d be Michael McInt-I’M NOT DOING THAT ONE!”

On the cake with human hair
Joe: “If that was given to me, I’d say I’d like it, but I’d like you to remove one ingredient…”
Lee: “…the marzipan. Horrible, innit?”

On the ginger-haired ukelele
Amy: “I’d bet that Ed’d probably like that as a present…”
Joe: “Yeah, it’s better than the pubic cake…”

On the box in front of Phill:
Phill: “If I open up that box, and it is, in fact, Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, I’ll have thought ‘the budgets have gone up on this show’..”

There’s a whole round of ‘Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac’, trading off rock’n’roll things. One of them is ‘Which one once threatened their accountant with a shotgun?’
Lee: “…surely Jimmy Carr should have been on that list…”

Lee basically PLUGS HIS BOOK…and then asks ‘Lee Mack or Fleetwood Mac?’
Prof: “…I dunno, but the book sounded shit…”
Lee: “You wouldn’t like it, none of the words rhyme.”

Lee: “I’ll throw it over…”
Prof: “It’s not Satisfaction, is it?”
Lee: “You’re absolutely right! It’s not!”

Joe after the 2nd intro goes: “I don’t think this round’s quite my forte…”

Lee: “I’ll give you a clue…it’s Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, now that’s your FINAL CLUE…”
Joe: “………..IT’S BLOODY THERE!”

Joe, in character, passes it over.
Prof: “You had it, didn’t you?”
Lemar: “Uh, is it Kenny…”
Chris cracks up, then goes “Oh, thought you were serious, for a second…”
Prof: “This is why we should listen to him.”
Lemar: “I am serious!”

Lemar eventually says it’s “Danger Zone….KELLY!”
Chris: [breaks]
Lemar and Prof: “KEVIN! KEVIN!”

Lee goes for a standup: “We also heard automatic, with Monster. Monster’s last album, teaaarrr veer sino- No, that’s- I had a flashback, I used to be a Japanese warrior in the 14th century. WE ALSO HEARD Automatic, with Monster. CHUNG! JIA! NUH! Ah, I’ve done it again.”
“We also heard Automatic with Monster. Their last album, tear- IT’S TEAR! TEAR, ISN’T IT? They’re spelled the same, tear and tear. I don’t like words that are spelled the same but mean different things. Like Cock and Cock.”
“We also heard Automatic, with Monster. Monster’s last album….WE ALSO HEARD!”
“We also heard Automatic, with Monster. Their last album, Tear the Sign Down…OH, SIGNS! IT’S PLURAL! I thought they’d only committed one crime. I didn’t know they were repeat offenders!”
He finally relents: “We also heard Automatic, with Monster. Good, wa’nt it? Move on.”

Lee: “The Spice Girls reunited to perform at the 2012 Olympic closing ceremonies. It was the first time they’d performed together since….they met.”

This reminds me of last series’ Jack Dee show, as the producers tried to intervene on an already-amazing guest host by repeatedly stop the show to cater to them. It’s not working near enough tonight, and the panel is a very weak one.

Joe, on the ID Parade: “UK Garage isn’t really my…THANG.”

Lee’s nicknames for the Toy Doll ID Parade get progressively funnier.
#4: “Blow Up Doll”
#5: “Show me on the doll where he touched you.”
The whole room needs ten seconds to recover from this. Green is slapping the table.

Chris: “#1 hasn’t blinked!”
#1: [winks]
Chris: “AUGH!”

Lee: “True or false, Kane West said-”
The whole audience cracks up here, even Chris.
Lee, to quiet the audience: “I’M FORTY-FOUR!”

Prof: “I hate Angry Birds.”
Chris: “IS THERE ANYTHING YOU LIKE? They should call you Professor GRAY…Ya miserable bastard!”

Still n the true or false round
Lee: “George Michael said ‘…honestly, you’re gonna have to wet that ‘fore you put it in…NO, TRUE OR-”
The whole panel completely dies laughing before he can continue.

Overall: A down episode, but there were definitely highlights. Lee did what he could- he had some nice off-the-cuff moments and he was in the right mindset, but the producers were trying to craft the show to him, and that never works well. The panel was dead- Joe Wilkinson had some good lines, as did Chris Ramsey, but nothing really managed to stay afloat. Professor Green was a good enough fill-in, but didn’t exactly command the game.

Guest Host Rating: 8/10. Down a bit, but still admirable.
Best Captain: Phill
Best Guest: Joe
Best Runner: Automatic with Monster.