Nevermind Watchdown: S27E03, or I Think You Should Come Back to me…

A few series ago, I was pretty worried about James Blunt hosting the show. Why? Because I don’t like his music. However, Blunt was insanely game, a great character, and an all-around good guy, and he hosted a bang-up show, despite me still not liking his music.

I bring this up because tonight’s guest host is Peter Andre. Not only do I not like his music…I don’t like him! I think he’s an annoying, talentless celebrity, and I laughed hysterically when Greg Davies spent, like, 5 minutes making fun of him on Mock the Week (“AND THEN I CELEBRITIES TA MAKE THA MONEY FER DA *KIDS.*”) That was phenomenal. So having Peter host the show might be a bit risky, sort of like having Preston on as a panelist. But we’ll see how it goes.

Other than another WELCOME appearance by Tony Law, and an appearance by Ana Matronic from Scissor Sisters, I don’t know a great deal of the panelists. Jason Gardiner’s a judge on ITV’s Strictly-ripoff Stepping Out. Charles Cave plays base with White Lies.

At least Peter’s in on the joke, as he enters the show, followed by 5 cameramen and sound guys, all with ‘ITV CREW’ shirts on. So maybe he’s capable of making fun of himself?

Noel’s ‘Sorry No Refunds’ round is on Coolio, and I hope they don’t take too much of the mick, as he’s one of the more surprisingly-game musicians to appear on the show (way back in Series 11 though).

Noel’s prop for the round is a bunch of plastic animals, as the option is that Coolio’s animals escaped from his zoo.
Noel, holding up a toy dinosaur: “He’s got a DINOSAUR in his private zoo?”

Charles: “I love the idea that Coolio has a stand for those fuzzy handcuffs…as opposed to just pulling them out the drawer. You arrive knowing exactly what kind of furry discipline you’re in for…”
Phill: “FURRY DISCIPLINE. Every week on the show, we get a new band name, and today…Furry Discipline.”

Noel: “Was he on a really small tricycle in one of his videos once?”
Peter: “Was he?”
Charles: “I think that’s every rapper…”
Tony: “Yeah, they’re all doing that, it’s so cliche…that’s what they do, they go ‘awww, here we go again with the TRICYCLE WOMAN-HATING…”

Peter talks about his song with Coolio that didn’t chart.
Ana: “It was an UNDERGROUND hit…”
Noel: “Yeah, the Wombles bought it…”

Peter does manage to have a good standup line: “Now, I remember my first threesome in the music biz. And, if the Pet Shop Boys are watching…”
He then goes “…I’m gonna do that joke for ITV2.”
He turns to his camera crew, goes “THREESOME, AAAHHHH”, and then turns back. Again, he surprisingly seems to know who he is, and is doing well enough so far.

Peter, after reading off a card saying ‘a trillion dollars’: “I didn’t even know that word existed?”
Noel: “What, a trillion? I mean, that’s the sort of thing you say when you’re 7…”

Jason, on P. Diddy: “I don’t think it was the natural disaster thing, because I think that just describes his clothing range…”
When the audience responds with ‘OHHHHs’, he raises the stuffed cat he’s holding over his head, and goes ‘RRROWWW!”

I like how far this show has come- it’s now Series 27, and Phill Jupitus does a great job at doing a French accent. Back in this show’s infancy, Mark Lamarr always used to make fun of his inability to do accents (“OY! AH’M FROM ZIMBABWE!”).

Ana’s fiddling with this extendable duster prop for the entire round, which has grown to about 3 feet after a while.
Phill: “How did you figure out how to extend your duster?”
Ana: “…I just rubbed it, and it did it naturally…”

Tony uses the Seann Walsh tactic of making up a band name when he doesn’t know an intro: “It’s, uh, FREDDY, GET TO BED, by the Sailor Boys…”

Noel and Charles’ first intro was ‘Scooby Snacks’ by the Fun Lovin’ Criminals. FORESHADOWING??
(Although, Tony, as it plays in, breaks his ‘weirdo’ character, and goes “aw, this is from the NINETIES, I should have known this…”)

Noel doesn’t know the intro, but he says “Pete could help us…”
Phill: “MYSTERIOUS GIRL!”
Noel: “…were you shouting at me, just then? ‘Mysterious Girl’?”
Tony: “You really are a mystery…’QUITE A PENIS YOU’VE GOT THERE, LADY…”

Peter comes by to help, and actually schools Charles and Noel on what the song actually sounds like. He’s actually really in his element here, which is surprising me.

It’s great- as Peter’s own Insania plays in, he just goes ‘…okay’, waiting for the clip to stop, looking painfully at the camera, already sick of the song. Phill’s cracking up in the background. Peter’s going “great…excellent”, just wanting it to end.
Ana just starts dancing to it. Tony’s going ‘KEEP IT GOING!”

Sure enough, Ana and Jason get the whole audience to keep clapping to Insania, so the clip won’t stop. This turns into the whole panel just dancing around to it, EVEN TONY! It’s a great moment. And Peter’s just tapping, wanting the whole thing to end.

Noel places some horse-esque clip-clopping in ‘Reach Out, I’ll be There’, and goes “Oh, wow! There’s a horse in that! From the zoo…looking for Coolio!”

Tony, for Phill and Ana’s intro, does the entire verse from Baba O’Riley, complete with windmill guitaring. Ana applauds, and goes “…I mean, that’s not what’s on the card…”
Phill: “You’re all gonna be appalled, and Tony’s gonna be sick in his own mouth in a moment..”

Peter says it’s ‘Best Song Ever’ by One Direction, prompting a ten-second long ‘NOOOOOOO!’ from Tony.

Peter, onto his ‘Insania’ round: “Who am I?-”
Noel, thinking that’s the question: “PETER!”
Peter: “YES!”
beat
Peter: “Who am I-”
Noel: “PETER!”
Peter: “Yes.”
Beat. Peter just points at Noel.
Peter: “Who-”
Noel: “PETER!”
Peter: “Yes.”

Peter just looks at the camera, and Noel takes a sip of his mug.
Phill: “DO IT AGAIN!”
Peter: “…WHO AM I-”
Noel, mouth full: “PEEFFEHHH!”

After Ana gets a question right, Peter looks back at Noel: “…who am I-”
Noel: “PETER!”
Peter: “Aww..”
Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 4.48.36 PM.png

Tony: “Ask me!”
Peter: ‘Alright- Who am-”
Tony: “PETEERRRRR!”
Peter: “You guys…this whole panel.”
Ana: “ASK ME!”
Peter: “Alright, who am I?”
Ana: “JORDAN’S EX-HUSBAND!”
Ana Matronic FOR THE WIN. Holy crap.
Screen Shot 2017-05-03 at 4.49.17 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-05-03 at 4.49.29 PM.png

Noel, to Peter: “Hey…I think you should come back to me…”
Peter, shushing off Ana: “Who am I?”
Noel, with resignation: “…Peter.”
Peter: “Thank you.”

Tony: “Okay, ask me one more time.”
Peter, whispered: “…who am I?”
Tony: “…one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, frankly…”

Noel’s ID Parade is the rapper off Mysterious Girl, so it’s an opportunity to mock Peter in that video.
Noel: “Is that how you got the six-pack? The waterfall?”
Tony: “Nah, you got the six-pack from doing [this motion from the video] constantly for months! ‘I’D NEVAH DONE A FACKIN’ SIT-UP IN MAH LIFE, MATE!”

Charles: “I mean, #4 looks like he’s ready to bring up Insania with you once again after the show…”
Peter: “…Different song, but no worries…”

Screen Shot 2017-05-04 at 1.49.38 AM.pngPhill: “…why is it than I suddenly want to rent Home Alone?”
Noel: “It’s like the Kindergarten version of Edvard Munch’s Scream…”
Phill: “Looks like a really upset lifeboat crew. ‘Aaaah, we didn’t save ’em!”

Bubbla Ranks, popping up for a Next Line: “BABY GIRL, I SAY TONIGHT IS YOUR LUCKY NIGHT”
Noel’s entire panel: “…..”
Peter: “Close enough…”

Peter: “Come into my garden…”
Phill: “…and watch my penis harden?”

Another great moment: Peter asks for a Vanilla Ice next line, and Ana gives the next…like, 7 verses of ‘Ice Ice Baby’ like she’s reciting bible verses. Fantastic moment. Proves that Ana’s a great presence on the show.

Overall: Somehow this one was even better than the last one, both in consistency, host presence, panel presence, and jokes. Peter was able to put back the fact that he’s not exactly talented and really enjoyed himself, as well as sending up his own image. The panel was really well balanced, as even guys like Charles and Jason who didn’t give a TON of material were both edited really well. Tony Law gave his usual deal, but I was won over by how cool and fun Ana Matronic was, like a female Mark Hoppus. Truly enjoyed this one, interesting to see what’s next in the series.

Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Nice job, Peter!
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Ana
Best Runner: “Who am I-” “PETER!”

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