Well, we need a nice boost of enthusiasm after last week’s good-but-traumatizing Rizzle Kicks show. So, let’s get….uh, Michael Bolton?
Yeah. On paper, Michael Bolton’s an odd choice. Yes, he did have a ton of hits in the 80’s and 90’s, but he was also one of the most uncool hitmakers of the time. However, in 2011…the Lonely Island came along with Jack Sparrow and instantly made him cool and funny again. So he’s probably a ton more self-aware, and this is probably gonna be a hella fun show.
Plus, we’ve got a pretty phenomenal panel on our hands- Carol Vorderman and Diana Vickers are on Phill’s side, while Seann Walsh and Westlife’s Shane Filan are with Noel. This has all the makings for a classic.
Annnd THIS is our opening image:
Note that the crowd goes kinda wild when Shane’s introclip comes out. Man, hope he doesn’t call anyone a duck like the last Westlife guy that was on…
Shane keeps making a big deal out of the decision to stand up at the key change of a song, which he credits to Simon Cowell.
Noel: “What else did he say? ‘I think you should open your mouths when you sing…”
Shane even teaches his entire panel to do the sexy-stand-up at key change, which vexes Seann because he tries concentrating, but sure enough:
There’s also a really nice sequence where Michael teaches Seann how to stand on the mountain and ‘BE Michael Bolton’, which doesn’t exactly work because he’s Seann Walsh. Look, usually I frown upon the extraneous pre-quiz stuff, but…it’s funny! It’s working!
I do want to note that the Paul McCartney ‘Ever Present Past’ clip they show has been on before, because I remember Bill Bailey going “what’s he doing on one knee? No, no, Paul, don’t go down that road again…”
Sure enough, Shane talks about meeting Sir Paul
Shane: “It was actually on my honeymoon…”
Noel: “You got married to Paul McCartney?”
Michael says he’s ‘come close’ to meeting Sir Paul.
Noel: “Come close? Like someone went ‘HEY, COME AND MEET…oh, don’t bother…”
Michael: “If you’re wondering what a brazillian grasshopper looks like, it’s just like a normal grasshopper, only shaved.”
Must have been one of the randomly lethal jokes leftover from Eamonn’s show.
Michael’s reads are actually kind of wooden, but they do occasionally work, like saying ‘at the end of the round, Noel’s team have done nothing, they have scored nothing, they are worth nothing…”
Noel brings back his smartassery from the Peter Andre show for the Lightning Bolton round
Michael: “True or false-”
Michael’s at least having fun with these questions One of them is “I was the singing voice of Pocahontas in the Disney film-”
The audience starts laughing before he can even finish it, so he even cracks a smile.
Phill and Diana’s first intro sounds like a ton of weird beeping noises.
Seann: ‘Phill, that sounds like dial-up internet…”
Phill: ‘I’m sending a fax!”
Michael hands it over to Noel’s team.
Seann: “Oh, god, it’s Too Much Lube, by Anal Danger.”
The audience takes 5 to recover.
Michael: “…it’s, uh…it’s not Anal Danger.”
Phill: “OHHHH, WHO HAD MONEY ON BOLTON SAYING *THAT* TONIGHT? *I* WANNA HEAR HIM SINGING IT!”
Michael, melodically: “It’s NOOOT ANAL DANNGEERR…”
My geekiness from James Acaster’s episode is coming back here, as I can only name Phill and Diana’s second intro as ‘the song from Kingsman’.
And sometimes, Michael’s completely dry delivery makes the standups even better, like his one for KC and the Sunshine Band.
“They’re so disco, even their testicles are mirrored…”
Michael: “Noel and Shane”
Noel, faintly: “HEL-LO…”
After Noel and Shane’s first intro, Seann, who immediately knows it, gives a pretty perfect impression of Ricky Wilson, with the ‘ARMS BE-HIND DE BACK-AAAHH’, flailing around thusly.
Shane: “Can you hum the first line, Michael?”
Michael: “I don’t think there’ll be any humming on this show…”
Noel: “Not even for your estranged son?”
Even funnier, Michael reads the card as ‘Kaiser Chefs’, which the audience cracks up at.
Noel, Ricky Wilson voice: “ANNNND I LOVE MY CHOPPING BOARD!”
Seann: ‘WHAT’S THAT COMING OVER THE HILL, IT IS A BLENDER!”
Noel, even as people applaud Seann: “…wrong band…”
Noel and Shane give Seann a Michael Bolton intro next, which he…completely misreads, and adds a random rap stanza to, as Shane just looks on, confusedly.
Michael says the Kaiser Chiefs are named after a football club. “That’s nothing. My full name is Michael Bolton Wanderers.”
After a nice round of applause for that, he worriedly checks the camera and goes “…I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.”
Diana, ID Parade: “I know #4- if not, I’ve met him before…”
Phill: “Number four, FOR SHAME…”
Diana, after going through several different options: “Just pick one…I’m so indecisive…”
Michael, as the round is going long: “Guys, I actually have a plane I have to catch…”
Noel: “I’m sure it’s your own plane…you’re getting no trip fee from us…”
Michael: “Feel your hands inside my soul.”
Phill: “…feel a BAKER’S…SAUSAGE ROLL…”
Phill: “Feel me cock, I’ll feel your hole…”
Michael: “I wish I’d written that one…”
Phill: “That’s a beauty!”
Michael: “Let me lick you up and down, til you say stop!”
Seann: “ANAL DANGER!”
Michael: “Take your heart and make it sing.”
Noel: “…or use your mouth, it’s up to you…”
Overall: Slightly disappointing, but still a nice episode. Phill’s team was underedited, but Diana had some nice moments of looniness towards the end. Seann, Shane and Noel were the stars of the night, with Shane having some great moments and not being afraid to have fun, and Seann being hysterical as usual. Michael’s reads were dry, and he occasionally went into the Ne-Yo category of ‘confused foreigner’, but it was a pretty nice show.
Guest Host Rating: 9/10
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Seann
Best Runner: Anal Danger.