Whose Watchdown is it Anyway: S05E04 or BREASTS!

Well, seeing as the Greg-Colin-Ryan-Tony matchup worked so well the first time, let’s do it again!

Film and Theatre Styles v1: Tony and Greg (sculptor and model)

A very confused Clive getting suggestions: “Rocky Blossom? BLOSSOM?”
Tony: “…the Rocky Blossom Horror Show…”
Clive: “What is Blossom? Is that shoe polish or something?”
Greg: “It’s an American sitcom, homeboy…”
Clive: “Right, jolly good, Blossom. We’ll start with that, I think.”
Greg: [winces]

It’s great, as Greg does monologuing in the Tennessee Williams style, he goes further and further upstage, closer and closer to the camera.
Tony, coming from behind Greg and grabbing his chest: “You’re not married anymore..”

Clive buzzes while Tony is still grabbing Greg.
Clive: “Let’s try a bit of Blossom.”
Greg: “…well I am a 13-year-old girl coming of age…”
BUZZ
Clive: “That’s quite enough of that, then.”

A quick game of this, with some funny moments but an overall truncated feeling about it. I could have gotten more out of each style.

Film and Theatre Styles v2: Colin and Ryan (snorkeling teacher and new snorkler)

Clive: “Noh theater…oh, so films then? Nono…”
Ryan chuckles at that one.

Clive: “Amateur dramatics. That’s essentially what’s going on before your eyes already, but…”

Ryan: “Before we go underwater, Phil, I want you to review the snorkeling equipment with me. Now, this is?”
Colin: “A SNORKLE?”
Ryan: “Right. This is?”
Colin: “A TANK.”
Ryan: “AAANNND THIS IS?”
Colin: “…My bathing suit!”
BUZZZ

The first style is John Wayne, so it’s an excuse for Ryan to use his John Wayne impression for the first (of MANY) times. Colin does well as an ornery bystander in a western.
Ryan: “THE POINT IS, PUT ON THE TANK AND WE’LL…..GEEEET IN THE WATER…”

Erotic Thriller:
Colin, jumping into the water: “…splash.”
Ryan, following him, even more sotto voce: “…splish…”

Romantic comedy style, Colin and Ryan start splashing each other, to the point where, by the end, Ryan’s splashing Colin using only his butt.
BUZZ
Clive: “…Ryan, do that movement again…”

The scene ends on Biker Movie, where Ryan tries revving up a motorcycle but falling back into the water, which is a great visual.

Much better scene, with much more funny moments in it, and the whole burgeoning Colin-Ryan duo.

Old Job New Job: Tony and Colin are Kindergartners. Ryan, an ex-cowboy, is their teacher.

Tony, top of the scene, to Colin: “If you’re…5 years old…why are you losing your hair?”
Colin: [starts crying]

And then, without a word of dialogue, Ryan enters, throws a lasso, ties up Colin and starts trying to brand him. It’s the silliest goddamned thing.

Tony, as Ryan is instructing Colin, winds up kicking Ryan in the behind. Ryan immediately turns to Tony,…then cocks his gun.

Short scene, but incredibly funny.

Film Dub: Ryan and Greg are on a date gone wrong

Greg: “Darling, it’s tuesday night, it’s hot dog night! Cover me in mustard like you usually do…”

There’s a moment where Greg’s character reenters in a gown, and Ryan’s character is still sitting down.
Ryan: “Not at all, come and have a seat on the admiral.”
Clive laughs at this for 10 to 15 seconds. It’s the hardest I’ve heard him laugh in years.

Not a great Film Dub, but that one line had Clive in stitches.

Sound Effects: Colin arrives at the office. Ryan supplies sound effects.

The scene begins with a great lowbrow joke- Colin presses a button for the elevator, which emits a ‘frrrt’ noise. Colin then airs himself out behind him.

They’ve already gotten good at this game- Colin has learned to not supply as much dialogue, and Ryan has perfected his patented ‘SQQQUEAKY’ noise. There’s a whole running gag where Colin greases the door, runs up a whole flight of stairs, opens another door…and another ‘SQUEAKY’ noise…which he has to oil again.

Colin: “Hello Ms. Buxley.”
Ryan: “BOING.”
(Somewhere, from 20 years in the future, Aisha Tyler starts howling)

The scene ends with the copy machine going out of control, and Colin nearly getting his foot stuck in it. We’re nowhere near the amount of destruction we’d get to with this game, but we’re getting close.

Pretty great playing though. This game’s beginning to come into its own.

World’s Worst: Clip from a Nature Documentary

So now we’re just getting into Scenes We’d Like to See territory..

Ryan: “…We followed the wild antelope for almost 3 weeks…HOW D’YOU WANT YOURS DONE, PHIL?”
Greg: “Tonight on World of Nature, we explore the act of human procreation…with my wife and I. GET READY EVERYBODY!”
[Clive: “No, go ahead…”]
Ryan, back to the camera: “BAAAAAHHH”
Tony, channeling Frankie Boyle: “One of the best things you can do to these charming chihuahuas…is to set fire to them…”
Colin: “Now. How do you put the leopard back together?”
[I always laugh at that one]

Fantastic round, very indicative as to the quick-fire, all-funny places we’d go to with this game once SFAH dies down.

Props: Colin and Greg vs. Ryan and Tony

Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 3.56.09 PM.pngColin: “…LAAA…”

Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 3.56.50 PM.pngRyan: “…Flintstones…MEET THE FLINTSTONES…”

Very nice round, as the answers have become the right amount of bizarre.

Scene to Music: Ryan and Greg are in a supermarket

…kinda similar to last episode’s scene description, eh?

The music that kicks in is, well, the music that will eventually become the theme to Mission Impossible once they start playing it. Once it hits, Ryan starts furiously throwing items into his shopping cart, as if he’s racing Greg.

There is a motion Ryan does…where he grabs an object, puts it in the cart, and has his leg wide open, that he just does for 5 seconds and it cracks up the audience. It’s just that simple.

Not a ton of substance, but just a fun, amusing as hell scene.

Party Quirks: Tony hosts
Greg: character in a video game
Colin: thinks he’s an ant
Ryan: motorbike stunt rider

Tony starts by putting his hand to his ear.
Clive: “Up- party’s ready?”
Tony: “…OF COURSE IT’S READY, I’M WAITING FOR THE GUESTS…”

Tony, as Colin comes in with his antennae, cracks up audibly for the first time in the game’s history. It will happen on a regular basis starting next series.

Ryan does something brilliant- he gets tony and Colin to crouch on all fours right next to the party step…then LEAPS OVER BOTH OF THEM with his motorcycle. It’s not only a great improv move, but it’s great that he was able to do that without hurting Colin.

The second Tony gets back to his seat after guessing everybody, he says something to Ryan, then does the antennae thing Colin was doing all game. He was still genuinely amused by it.

Helping Hands: Greg learns to conduct a picnic from Ryan (ft. Colin’s hands)

This game very quickly goes into the usual Helping Hands formula- Greg mentions a food, then Colin picks it up and attempts to shove it into Ryan’s mouth. Ryan eventually has a bite of hard boiled egg with a bit of shell in there, which puts us at a great start.

Of course, immediately afterwards, Ryan spits it out and throws it behind him, for the first of many times in this game’s history.

Then, Ryan grabs the chicken, starts pulling pieces apart…and dances with it as the pieces dangle from each other.

This actually gets really funny once Ryan loses complete control of things, mixing champagne with chicken and egg, and then juggling random things around.

Greg: “How about a banana to close things off-”
Ryan: “What do you mean by that?”

The ending is the piece de resistance- Colin slowly, gently peels the banana, and Ryan goes for a seductive performance, with the banana in hand, throwing the peel away like a striptease. Greg even starts fanning himself.

Then, right as Greg’s about to eat the banana out of Colin’s hand…the banana breaks in half and drops to the floor. Clive thankfully buzzes after that.

A Helping Hands game that definitely got better as it went along, once Ryan realized how batshit insane things were getting.

Hoedown: Motorways

Clive introduces the game, ‘which is probably called High-down in America for all I know…”

And then, upon getting the subject, Clive turns to the panel and goes “Motorways. ‘Big roads’ I think you call them in America.”
Greg already looks done.
Screen Shot 2018-01-31 at 4.14.41 PM.png

Greg’s verse is, well, in response to all of that:
“When I was in England, I met me a man,
He was shining bald his name was Clive Ander-saaan
There was some confusion, I said where’s the freeway
He said ‘NO, YOU SILLY TWAT, IT’S CALLED A MO-TOR-WAY”
And THAT is how you get back at Clive for all the America jokes. That had been building since the episode began.

Then, Ryan does a ‘sign of the cross’ over his chest before his verse, which, if anything, sums up how much he despises the Hoedown.

Ryan’s verse ends in typical Ryan fashion:
“I love to watch the bugs as they splat against my glass
The last thing that goes through their mind is their big fat ass!”

Tony’s starts pretty well:
“I like the motorways where the things go splat
I look outside my window as I run over a cat.”
He ends by cursing out the ‘stupid bastard who designed the M25″

Really nice hoedown from everybody, even if it’s being fueled by hate.

The credit reading as great- Colin, Ryan and Greg win…and have to read the credits AS Tony Slattery. Greg prances across the stage and grabs onto Colin. Ryan spends most of the time fixing his mic. After a while, Greg just starts saying dirty things about the crew while Colin continues prancing. Ryan, finally done fixing his mic, just yells “BREASTS!”

Overall: A very okay show. I feel like there were more funny moments and more consistency the first time these four got together. The funnier moments were in the middle bit of the show, usually reserved for the quick-fire games- World’s Worst, Old Job New Job, Sound Effects and Scene to Music had great moments, but weren’t very fleshed out, while the more showcase-y scenes weren’t completely great. It’s not the fault of the cast, as nobody outright made any faux pas, but I feel like there was probably better stuff on the cutting room floor.

Show Winners: Everyone but Tony
Best Performer: Ryan, for getting back to his S4-era dominance.
Worst Performer: Tony, who had a more passive show, and was overshadowed by the three north american talents.
Best Game: World’s Worst. Phenomenal all the way through. Sound Effects, Hoedown and Film and Theatre Styles v2 were considered.
Worst Game: Film Dub. Other than the admiral line, nothing too great.

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