Whose Watchdown is it Anyway: S08E06, or DATE ME OR FACE THE BALD MAN!!

The Caroline Quentin Overexposure Tour continues with this episode, pairing her up with Greg Proops, which is a nice enough idea (and will lead to…arguably one of my favorite episodes of this era of the show). Colin and Ryan are also back, because…of course they are.

Questions Only: A meeting between aliens and humans

Clive buzzes Colin out after a brief hesitation
Clive: “Bit too boring, Colin, I’m afraid…”

Caroline: “Do you need to ask?”
Greg: [cracks]

Caroline: “D’you want me to take you anyway?”
Colin: “Can you do it quickly?”
Caroline, taking this the other way: “CAN I???”

Clive buzzes Colin over ‘pardon?’
Clive: “Pardon isn’t a question, I think-”
Colin: “Aah, screw you…”

Clive does eventually buzz Caroline out because “you’re doing so well”

Greg: “Haven’t we met on Uranus?”
Ryan: “…Jim?”
Greg: “BINKY???”
Ryan: “Have you been drinking?”

Ryan: “You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?”
Greg, after holding an ‘oh shit’ expression for 5 seconds: “…INTERESTING QUESTION…”

A fantastic start to the show, with funny stuff coming from all four, even with Colin’s frustrations.

Film and Theatre Styles v1: Ryan and Colin (sewer workers investigating strange sightings)

Clive: “Swedish porn film? An old one, but always very welcome. And I remember you from the last one…”

Clive: “One man show? What, are they gonna shoot the other one?”

Audience member: “The Sooty Show!”
Clive: “Oh, yeah, that’ll sort them out. One of them will have to put their hand up the other one…”

Ryan: “Oh, my light doesn’t work.”
Colin: “It’s okay, I’ve got a match!”

Clive: “Baywatch”
Colin: “…let’s swim in the sewage!”

Clive buzzes on a moment where Ryan and Colin are rubbing themselves down with sunblock
Clive: “…we’re not quite ready for the Swedish, are we?”

Clive: “Let’s go with the Waltons for a moment.”
Ryan: “Well, I’ve…I’ve built ye a shirt out of wood, Gary…now you’ve got a place to find that raccoon that you’ve found in the woods.
Greg, who has SEEN the Waltons, and who knows that’s NOTHING LIKE AN EPISODE OF THE WALTONS, starts dying of laughter in the background.

Clive: “One man show.”
Ryan: [walks offstage]

Colin, left onstage, starts to monologue again: “I remember the sewers…1945……that’s all I remember.”
Greg continues dying of laughter in the back.

Clive: “Swedish Porn Movie”
Ryan, reentering: “MISS ME? …It’s so SMAILLY Down heerrrhe…”

Ryan and Colin during this bit are so silly, and so blatantly sexual, that it’s worthy of merit. Colin keeps reaching down to collect rats, and then going back down.

The scene pauses on Colin bending over and Ryan still looking at Colin’s ass.
Clive: “Let’s try a bit of Disney”
Ryan: “Well, that’s a Beauty.”
Colin: [bends back up]
Ryan: “And a beast.”
Colin: [cracks]

There’s a silly Lassie ending, but it sums up a really funny, and really varied Ryan-Colin F&TS, which would be a lot funnier if I didn’t know exactly what was about to follow.

Film and Theatre Styles v2: Greg and Caroline (shoplifter and store detective)

There’s a loud, indecipherable barking noise from the audience upon suggestions
Clive: “RAH-RAAH? No, go again in English on that one.”
Audience member, slowly and clearly: “Brave…heart.”
[The audience applauds this]
Clive: “Oh, I recognize you, you’re someone who lost in the battle…”

Already, the dynamic between the two is pretty nice. Caroline is stern and adamant, while Greg is energetic and nervous.

In the James Bond style, Greg backs into Caroline, who gets very close and intimate with him…hence the style.
Caroline: “I know that you have something…in your trousers that I need to see.”
Greg: “Don’t touch it, or…you’ll break it and Q will have the devil with me.”
Caroline, opening Greg’s jacket: [gasp] “JAMES!”
Greg: “Yes. It’s new, and it’s extendable.”
Clive: “…well….well, one out of two, Greg…”

Greg saves Caroline’s ass in the Muppets style- she throws on a goofy voice, not being too familiar with the Muppets, and Greg goes into a REALLY GOOD Muppet voice, as he demonstrates how to shoplift

Then, the Ballet style, where Greg and Caroline are really graceful. Greg lifts Caroline up for a fancy bit, and then it comes time for Caroline to lift Greg. She grabs his torso and chest area, which he feels is wrong, so he repositions her hands to around the crotch area. And then he squats. And then realizes that the one flaw in this scenario is…now he’s getting aroused! And he starts trying not to laugh too hard while he’s in this position:
Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.22.10 PM.png

Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.22.46 PM.png

Greg: “OHHH-HO-HO. No. No. No no.”
Clive: “Hold it right there.”
Greg: [repositions Caroline and he to where they were when he initially buzzed, the…incredibly nice position he was in before. And he just keeps squatting and coming back up.]
Clive: “Tell me when you’re done, Greg.”
Caroline, finally getting up from this: “HE’S DONE!”
Greg: “I never liked ballet before then…”

Clive: “Braveheart”
Caroline: [as per the style, gets her hands away from Greg’s crotch.]
Greg: “ACH!”

Greg produces an over-the-top scottish accent which gets the audience, and Colin, laughing.
Caroline: “…I cannae understand a word ye just said…”

A wall-to-wall extraordinary game, just from an improv standpoint, and also just from how hard I was laughing through most of it, even after seeing this game several times.

Here He is Now: Ryan and Greg wait for Colin and Caroline, and are discussing which of the two is getting sacked

The second of only two renditions of this great game. Both were played with Caroline Quentin. A shame, because I feel as though Mike McShane would have been great at this one.

Greg: “One thing…when Caroline comes in, don’t call her by name.”
Ryan: “Why not?”
Greg: “…because she tends to cluck like a chicken.”
Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.31.38 PM.png

Ryan: “Colin is not a touchy person. Makes sure you don’t touch him in any way, because he loses all control of his bowels.”
Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.32.52 PM.png

Ryan: “But make sure that you don’t raise your voice to Colin. Because he’ll start to give you his rendition of the Bible.”
Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.34.06 PM.pngScreen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.34.13 PM.png

Greg, knowing exactly what this game’s about to be: “…I don’t think we’ll have any problems with the Bible…”

Colin’s first rendition of ‘losing control of his bowels’ even has a Scottish “ACH NO” attached to it, and a pratfall.

Ryan: “STOP THAT!”
Ryan, grabbing Colin’s shoulder: “Colin, stop.”

Ryan says that they’re going to have to let Colin go
Colin: “OH, and the lord said if you let me go, then I shall let go. AUUUGHHH”

A pretty nice game, though not as good as its first rendition, and without a great deal of stuff from Caroline.

Props: Ryan and Caroline vs. Colin and Greg

Clive is chuckling as he gets Caroline and Ryan’s prop:
Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.39.48 PM.png
Clive: “I dunno what you’re gonna do with that…doesn’t suggest anything at the moment…”

Greg, using his prop as a shield: “DRAW YOUR SWORD, ROMAN”
Colin: [draws his sword on a canvas]
Greg: [stabs him anyway]

Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.42.04 PM.pngGreg: “Billy, I told you if you left the jellyfish out, they’d go solid…”

Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 4.43.19 PM.png

Sound Effects: Colin has a minute before his date arrives. SFX by Ryan

Colin has to deal with a spotty shower head, which he solves by just spitting on himself in lieu of shower water.

There’s a lot of fun stuff here- Ryan keeps having a phone ringing in the other room, which Colin just karate-chops whenever it does. Colin cuts himself shaving, and is spurting out of his neck for most of the game. Clive even plays himself, ringing the doorbell to speed the game up.

There’s a bizarre ending on here, where Colin accidentally shoots his date after axing through his front door, but it’s a funny enough scene.
Ryan to Colin, approximate: “…boy, glad you had time to add all that in…”

Clive: “It’s a crazy country, America. Even meeting a date turns into a mass shooting..”

Let’s Make a Date: Greg chooses
Caroline: Sarah Ferguson
Colin: escaped convict
Ryan: angry neighbor

Caroline: “If you were on a plate? On a dish? I’d probably eat you whole, and then ask for seconds…”

Ryan: “…I’d just eat ya off the plate, I suppose, and I can guarantee you I’d crap on MY OWN LAWN”
I’ve forgotten how well Ryan can play angry

Caroline: “But I like to ski, I like to holiday abroad…mostly at other people’s expense…”
Greg: “D’you believe a long-term relationship can last?”
Caroline: “Absolutely not. Only with one’s dietician.”

Greg: “#3, what’s your favorite part of where you’re from?”
Ryan: “Well I suppose that everybody knows to KEEP THEIR BLOODY STEREOS DOWN…”

Greg gets the last 2 correct, but guesses that Caroline is Princess Diana, so the wrong ex-royal. The audience even gives a huge ‘OHHHHH’ reaction, before he finally guesses Sarah Ferguson.

Clive: “It was the answers about food that should have given it all away. Lady Diana would have eaten you up and asked for more. She’d have eaten you up and thrown you up again.”
Greg has a silent reaction to this.
Clive: “…and haven’t we ALL thought about that?”

Three of a Kind: Ryan, Colin and Greg are three used car salesman in a locker room

A simple game, with a simple setup.

Ryan, toweling off: “Hey…take a look at this body. Not a dent on ‘er!”

Greg, pointing to Ryan: “I like it, so here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I notice the accessories are a bit smaller than you’re used to.”
Colin: “That’s crazy, what don’t you let me look in the boot first.”
[he checks Ryan’s butt]
Ryan: “Why he’s down a quart..”

Colin, motioning to himself: “What about this body? It was only used once, by an old lady in Pasadena.”
Ryan, pointing to Colin’s hair: “I love how you can take the top off.”

A simple, and surprisingly funny, round of this.

There’s an obvious edit, as it feels very ‘end of the taping’, and Clive rears up an ‘it’s time for’ as if he’s heading into the last game of the taping, which should be Hoedown. And yet we get our next, and last game, which is…

Hats: Dating Service Videos

This MUST have come from earlier in the taping, Props-time, but was pushed to last due to the lack of a real strong ender like Party Quirks or Hoedown…which is fine, as it’s still a great Hats round.

Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 5.08.38 PM.pngGreg: “…I am Vishnu, the Destroyer.”
Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 5.09.29 PM.png

Screen Shot 2018-05-24 at 5.10.16 PM.pngGreg: “…so, d’you wanna go on a date, or you don’t wanna go on a date? Listen, I’ll take you out to dinner, and later on, we’ll have some hunka-hunka boom, uh? ….WHAT’S’A MATTER YOU STUPID BITCH? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?”

Colin, sailor’s hat: “…All hands on dick!”

Overall: Despite some structural problems, and the fact that show started stronger than it finished, this is still a personal favorite of mine, solely for the MONSTROUS first half, with both rounds of F&TS (especially Greg and Caroline’s), great rounds of Props and Hats, a masterful Here He Is Now, and LMAD finally jelling into a norm. This is also great for continuing the Greg-Clive arguments from last episode, and though it wasn’t as explosive, it still had some great moments, mostly with Clive winning. Like the last few, there was a very even separation here, with all four contributing great material, without someone standing out in a good or bad way.

Show Winners: Ryan and Greg
Best Performer: Greg Proops. I had to do some big-time number crunching here to separate him from the rest of the pack, but he had slightly more standout moments than the rest, and mastered his scenes with an artful bite (against Clive)
Worst Performer: This was also very hard to separate, as nobody truly did badly tonight, but I’ll give it to Ryan again for another more passive show…and mostly because I cannot, by any means, give it to Colin or Caroline.
Best Game: Film and Theatre Styles v2. Yeah, the Greg and Caroline one. One of my favorites.
Worst Game: Sound Effects, which had the least to it of everything tonight.

That was a testament to having four people who know the formula and can work together without drowning someone out on the program together. And I’m really gonna miss that next show.


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