Bit of a mixed bag this show: Jimmy Carr is our proctor, obviously. Cal Wilson, the great Australian import, is back for her second, and sadly last, show. And making his QI debut is comedian, actor, and one of my least favorite Never Mind the Buzzcocks guest hosts, Jack Whitehall. Look, public opinion on Jack is split down the middle- either you love him, and are excited that he’s getting big parts in blockbuster films with the Rock, or you file him with the James Cordens and Michael McIntyres of this world, as he’s way too cheeky. I generally fall into the second category, but I will keep an open mind.
Jimmy, instead of wearing one of his trademark suits, has on a trendy brown jacket, more similar to something Phill might wear.
All three primary buzzers are verses from ‘knee bone’s connected to the’ song.
Alan’s: “…THE MINUTE YOU WALK IN THE JOINT.”
Stephen: “Now, Alan, we’re gonna make your life a little easier-”
Alan: “I can go home?”
Stephen plays in some sexy music as the lights dim.
Jimmy: “Oh, THIS is unfair. Alan gets a girl! I’ve got JACK!”
Alan: “…Jack’s a girl…”
Stephen, tenderly, asks Alan: “Can you feel…your sphincter relaxing…”
The audience loses it at this.
Stephen: “It’s a perfectly innocent question…”
Alan: “i must say, I thought it was until you asked me…”
Jimmy: “I once had a bladder complaint- this is not an STI-”
Cal: “Why are you looking at ME when you say that???”
Jimmy: “Cause…I thought you would understand!”
Jimmy mentions having a camera the width of a pen shoved into his urethra, and this makes Alan, Jimmy AND Jack start miming what this might be like. Note that Jimmy’s is a larger mime.
Jack questions when would be the right time to watch the video of it they give you: “What, at Christmas?: “Oh, let’s not watch The Great Escape this year…let’s watch your dad’s…stomach.”
Jimmy: “The great escape is presumably when they pull the camera out…”
Alan gets a klaxon by guessing that something is a snake. Man, this series is just pulling punches all over.
Jack mentions his brother got worms from licking the loo seat, which gets a very confused look or two from Jimmy.
Alan: “Oh, LOO SEAT. I thought you said ‘licking the Lucy.”
Jack: “You lick the loo seat, and you get worms of the belly.”
Stephen: “You get more than that, you get contempt…”
Jimmy: “You can get a lot of STIs from loo seats, Stephen…but only if you sit down before the last guy’s got up.”
Oh, may he never change.
Jimmy and Alan joke that STI stands for ‘Sexually Transmitted Information’
Cal: “Sounds like the late night version of QI. With all provocative questions.”
Like last show, a lot of Cal’s stuff isn’t getting the laughs it deserves, which is kind of sad.
As Stephen introduces ‘Stick the Knees on the Elephant’
Jimmy: “I feel like sort of…like, we’ve underperformed, and now we’re in a special class…”
Jimmy: “I think elephants have got a lot of knees. Because otherwise, why could you have given us this many dots?”
There are some intriguing moments with this: Alan doesn’t put the joints on the back knees…which are the only legs it has joints on. Jack adds extra dots for the elephant’s balls. Because of course.
Jack talks about a Planet Earth Live show he watched: “Richard Hammond was in front of all these elephants wearing one of his midlife crisis necklaces…and it definitely had a bit of ivory on it…”
Stephen says the front legs of pigs are called ‘hand of pig’
Cal: “I have experienced hand of pig before.”
Jimmy: “Well, I apologize…”
Cal: “Yeah, that’s why you’re on THAT side…”
Stephen speaks of a theatre director who had Noises Off, and every night would have to clean the wet seats, as people would drink and laugh so hard water would come out their nose.
Jack: “Isn’t that cause elderly people go to the theater?”
Jack: “It’s like when Bono was headlining Glastonbury, and he had to pull out…and I’d been saving MONTHS of piss to throw at him…”
Jimmy: “You poor thing…”
Jack: “I had, like a VAT…”
Jack, still going: “He did his back in, that’s why he couldn’t do it. Which is fair enough, because I imagine my back would be pretty sore if I’d spent the last 20 years with my head up my own ass…”
Stephen even emits a WHOA at this one. I don’t blame him
Jack has definitely warmed up over time this episode, to the point where, we’re about halfway through and he’s taking most of the edit with him. Granted, a lot of his stuff is pretty funny, but not everything is.
On the news that Columbus brought tons of cannabis to the US
Jimmy: “So you’re saying he’s a drug trafficker?”
Jack: “Columbus must have had a very big sphincter…”
That, for the record, is how you do a callback joke.
On the ‘pin the knee on the flamingo’, Jack puts it in an obvious spot: ‘Because the knee is the bendy bit, and…oh, it could just be a camp arm…”
Alan: “Is this an unusual flamingo in that it’s got a duck coming out of its ass?”
And I’m gone.
Stephen: “It;s pretty hard to deny-”
Alan: “But where are the duck’s knees? Ask the flamingo…”
Jimmy asks that if flamingo’s knees are at the top of their legs, then a kick to the balls would really hurt, wouldn’t it?
Stephen: “Yes, they don’t really have testicles though, do they?”
Jimmy’s expression is shock.
Stephen: “I mean, they have little sexual parts…”
Jimmy: “As do I!”
Stephen: “What do Glaswegian women lose on their wedding night?”
Jack: “A fight!”
Jimmy: “A long battle against alcoholism?”
Stephen does say that women removing their teeth would lead to “some pleasurable outcomes”, which cracks up the whole panel.
Jack: “You’d be very good on those sex chatlines…”
Alan: “PLLLEASURABLE OUTCOMES!”
Jack: “WOULD YOU LIKE A PLEASURABLE OUTCOME WITH YOUR…LITTLE SEXUAL BITS?”
Jack does come up with a good idea for a Dragon’s den pitch: “It’s dentures…but they clamp shut whenever they sense racism coming out…”
Stephen: “I’ve got nothing against them personally, but-” [chhhh]
Jimmy: “The word ‘but’ would be the key…would be the trigger word…’I’m not racist, BUT…”
Stephen: “Certain types of dead people [gave their teeth]. You’re not allowed to rob a grave-”
Jimmy: “YOU’RE NOT???”
Stephen: “No, you’re-”
Jimmy: “Awww…I’m in a LOT of trouble…”
Stephen says they literally collected teeth on the battlefield from dead soldiers.
Jack: “And the horse teeth, they were sent to…the people from Only Way is Essex?”
[Jimmy Carr, who once obliterated Amy Childs on television, laughs at this]
Stephen brings up a funny point about Australia, saying that he’ll see newscasts saying ‘Victorian police were soon on the scene’- “I picture these truncheons and moustaches going ‘OHHH NOW THEN…'”
Stephen talks of a polish dentist who took out her ex-lover’s teeth, “but it was in the papers and it was actually bollocks-”
Alan: “He took his bollocks out?”
This is a slow-burn reaction, but eventually the audience hears this.
Alan: “What she should have done is taken all his teeth out, cut a little hole in his scrotum, then put them all in there…and sew it back up again.”
Cal, weirded out, starts laughing nervously.
Jimmy: “…YES, THAT IS A MUCH BETTER IDEA…I think we can all agree she missed a great opportunity.”
Stephen hands out a piece of dental equipment, and asks the panel what it is.
Jimmy: “Oh, is it for snipping open the scrotum, and putting the teeth in?”
Alan, playing around with it, mimes snipping DOWNWARDS…and then exclaiming “some of the teeth have fallen out!” Dear god. To quote Colin Mochrie, “THIS is our running gag?”
Stephen, after another winking moment from Jack: “…you’re being very flirty, Jack, I quite like you…”
Jack, post-applause: “…my sphincter just tightened…’
Stephen: “Who’s got noisy-knees and a urine-soaked hairbrush?”
Jack: “My grandmother?”
Stephen: “Your grandmother’s not coming well out of this program, is she?”
Alan: “She’s a racist, peeing grandmother…”
Stephen: “What kind of ungulates do we find in the Savannah?”
Jack: “Richard Hammond?”
Look, say what you will about Jack’s cheekiness, but he is FANTASTIC at running gags. There are so many this show.
After Jack admits that heartburn once stopped him from sex.
Stephen: “I can recommend a diet for you…come and see me…”
Alan: “I knew this would happen…”
Jimmy: “It involves nuts.”
Stephen: “Brings a new meaning to ‘we shall march on Whitehall'”
Stephen: “Who wrote the Cat in the Hat?”
Jack, resident young person: “Dr. Seuss?”
Stephen: “What kind of glass does the Popemobile have in its windows?”
Jimmy: “Oh, is it the slidey kind so he can sell ice cream?”
Cal has a fantastic answer, ‘stained glass’, which…again, doesn’t get a lot of response from the audience, but is insanely funny.
Stephen says that there are technically 2 Popes per square foot in Vatican city, since Vatican city is only .44 square feet.
Jimmy: “Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the most annoying question ever asked?”
Stephen, announcing the scores: “It’s crowded at the bottom…that’s a very unfortunate phrase…”
Alan loses with -51, his most impressive loss in a while.
Overall: A bit lighter than the last few, but still very funny. The four players were definitely playing more solo games, each befitting their style on the show seperately. Cal kinda got swallowed up tonight, but she still had some fun moments. Jack had a fantastic debut, but flew a bit close to the sun, and dominated the second act of the show a bit too much for my liking. Jimmy, though, was responsible for some of the best jokes of the night, and was doing his usual amount of connecting. There were several running gags…and several weak spots in the show. So a mixed bag, but a fun watch.
Best Guest: Jimmy
Show Winner: Cal
Best QI Fact: removed teeth
Best Runner: scrotum teeth