Mock the Watchdown: S05E08 [& Too Hot], or WHEN PRESSED FOR COMMENT…

With another Too Hot episode, we bring back Ed Byrne, which is always a good thing, and throw in someone I’ve always enjoyed on Mock the Week, Alun Cochrane. Alun…never looks the exact same way twice on this show. Either he’s lost weight, he’s gained a beard, his hairstyle’s different. He’s just constantly changing his look. To me, the most famous look is the one circa-S10, the ‘I am fed up with Micky Flanagan mocking my accent’ look, where he resembles a Nazi informer. Here he’s just a normal bloke with a beard.

Like usual, the regular episode content is in regular text, and the Too Hot material is in Italics

Headliners: P.T.S.D.

…post-traumatic stress disorder?

Hugh: “PUT…THAT…SAUSAGE…DOWN.”
…We’re really gonna try to top that one?
Frankie: “is it Prescott to Swallow Dorset?”
…okay, that one came close
Andy: “how about Prescott’s Testicles Suddenly Descend?”
SUDDENLY???
Frankie, similarly: “I think it’s Prescott’s Tired Scrotum Disintegrates…”

Hugh does a limp Japanese one, then goes “after Scrotum that was never gonna go…”
Dara: “There’s always a dirty one, and then somebody has to take a bullet so the audience can get over the dirty one…thank you very much for doing that, Hugh…”

Frankie: “is it just Pies, Twixes, Sausages, Dumplings?”
These are easy jokes but they’re all hitting
Dara: “that is essentially the motherlode Prescott has flashed about, hasn’t it?”
Frankie: “no, the motherlode is Pulmonary Thrombosis, Sudden Death…”

Andy: “IS IS PRESCOTT TRIES SHAGGING DONUT.”
Russell: “that’d be quite easy, though, if it were a ring one, go straight through…”
Don’t get him started on the donuts…
Dara: “in fact, when there’s a bit of jam on it, it’s much more satisfying..”
Russell: “you’re right. That’s why Ed stays ’round Dara’s.

Dara: “I’m gonna have to steer you towards the correct answer.”
Ed, quickly: “PRESCOTT TRIES SPEED DATING.”
Dara: “…that’s not it…”
Russell: “is it Prescott Tries Sexy Dance?”
THAT’S too hot???
Alun: “is it Prescott Tries Swallowing Dwarf.”
THAT got me.
Frankie: “PRESCOTT’S TESTICLES SHAVED DAILY.”
JUST KEEP HITTING.

Frankie, on the photo: “he looks like he’s finally found a taste he doesn’t like.”
It’s that simple. With an easy target like Prescott, you wanna make sure that the jokes are at least worth it, and all of these are.
Hugh even says “I’m quite a fan of Prescott, we’re gonna suffer, as comedians, once he’s gone.”

Frankie: “I want to see his memoirs, it’s gonna be like the Doomsday Book of Food…’1997 was a very important year for me because Marathon changed its name to Snickers..’ is it called Sex, Lies and Battenberg cake?”
Hugh: “The Life of Pies.”
THAT’S A GOOD ONE

Frankie: “the thing I love about Prescott is that he’ll use the money he makes getting onto the gravy train…making an ACTUAL gravy train.”
Dara: “oh, we’ll be EXHAUSTED of fat jokes soon enough…”

Dara makes a point that this being the only summer where Prescott hasn’t been ‘summer prime minister’, there’s been foot-and-mouth, flooding, etc.
Ed: “He could have prevented the foot and mouth if he’d just lay down next to the river…a human floodbank”
Dara: “that doesn’t STOP flooding, that just moves flooding further up the river…”
Ed: “I’m sorry that I don’t know as much about flood defenses as you do.”
EVEN IN 2007, Dara’s out-sciencing everybody

On the ‘Camilla Not Going to the Diana Memorial’ story, Ed tries vouching for Camilla, that she wasn’t responsible for Diana’s death, but keeps accidentally stumbling into more evidence.
Alun: “Did Camilla book her flight?”
Ed: “as long as Camilla doesn’t arrive on the back of a scooter takin’ photographs…what’s so distasteful?”

Andy calls the Diana memorial, which features people slipping and falling in the fountain, a wonderful tribute to the woman.
Frankie: “not to mention that it’s shaped like a racetrack.”
Both versions omit a word before racetrack. ‘fucking’? ‘giant’? ‘anal lubed’?
Frankie: “it’s great, we’ve got this horrible fountain, and Paris has got this wonderful, beautiful ‘please slow down in the tunnels’ sign…”

Dara even makes fun of the public backlash over Camilla “as if they have any say over this, like “you shouldn’t be queen”…IT’S A MONARCHY…YOU DON’T GET TO PICK. THAT’S THE WAY A MONARCHY WORKS.”

Frankie, legendarily: “You know those celebrity SatNavs now? You can actually get a Diana one. It just keeps sayin’ ‘put your foot down, I think we can lose them..”
Hugh, directly to camera: “WELCOME TO ‘MATERIAL THAT WON’T BE BROADCAST’.”
PFFFF
Dara: “we should give you all a card at the start, so you all can right down ‘stuff I won’t expect to see when this goes out…”
YOU SHOULD LET THEM TAKE NOTES.

Frankie moves on to the anniversary of Elvis’ death: “surely, if you were gonna fake your death, it wouldn’t be in a shitting-related accident.”

Dara: “who else commented on Camilla’s absense?”
Frankie: “WAS IT RAY MEARS, THE SURVIVALIST?”
The bizarreness of that cracks up Alun
Dara, chuckling: “..’WHEN PRESSED FOR COMMENT…'”

Dara asks for who won’t be at this event
Alun: “…Ray Mears?”
Dara: “no, Ray Mears WON’T be there..”
Alun: “Osama Bin Laden…it’s a much longer list than who will be there…”
I do love Alun’s sense of humor, just slightly absurdist with that sort of laid back tone.

Russell: ‘what about both the Chuckles, they must be there.”
Dara: “no, only one of them’s going, that’s why they’re splitting up on the day…Terry Chuckle?”
LAUGHTER FROM RUSSELL AND FRANKIE
Russell: “BARRY. Barry and the one who looks like a pedo, the other one…”
Alun, under the laughter: “yeah, THE ONE…”
Frankie: “the last thing you’d want to hear from a pedo is ‘to me, to you'”
JESUS CHRIST, FRANKIE. We were all thinkin’ that line would come up, but not like that..
Andy, holding up a piece of paper: “I’ve got to be honest, on my Not Getting In Bingo, I’m putting a little tick by that one…”

Ed recites a joke from a colleague about Diana shaking hands with AIDS victims [“Freddie Mercury used to FOOK them”], which proves that he’s not QUITE as off-color as last show, but still very much so.
Dara: “…ALSO…NOT GETTING IN.”

Andy finally answers that the Queen won’t be there, as she’s on holiday
Frankie: “how does the Queen even know she’s on holiday, she doesn’t fuckin’ do anything…”

Dara, on a Russell joke, does a ‘call in the calvary’ little hand signal that looks too damn camp
Ed: “looks like a black and white minstrel thing”
Dara: “OH NO NO NO NO…I wasn’t doing the black and white minstrels…”

what a goof

Frankie does this extended bit about prospective partners for Harry entering a ‘royal slut contest’, with so many over the top and bizarre comedy details
Ed: “How do you even get to be a JUDGE in the royal slut contest?”
Frankie: “IF I KNEW, I’D BE THERE.”
Ed: “…FUCK THIS MOCK THE WEEK LAR…”
Dara: “More wet on the t-shirts please [clap]…and then the calvary would come in [bring back hand motions].”

The air version got some good stuff, a great opener and some good conversational stuff. The Too Hot version just got…even more. More Prescott jokes, more dirtiness, and that entire calvary bit with the sluts. Which cracked me up. As good as the air round was, the too hot version added so much more, and made the conversation round, kind of weak alone, pop.

Stand Up Round: Ed, Alun, Andy and Frankie

Ed’s, on kids, is a fairly standard round about an annoying kid on the tube. The last punchline, of the harried mum saying “I can’t believe how happy I was the first time you said that word” after the billionth ‘mum?’, sticks the landing.

Alun’s, on the smoking ban, kinda meanders and doesn’t do a great deal. Like Ed’s, he’s got a good closer, going for a Corona because the lime counts for his five-fruits-a-day.

Frankie, on TV: “The only award I’ve ever been nominated for was a Scottish BAFTA. A SCOTTISH BAFTA. It’s like hearin’ that the animals have their own olympics..”

Frankie: “of course [all TV is] fake. I was watching a documentary last week about tribal warfare about monkeys in the jungle, turns out they shot it at a Yates’ Wine Lodge in Dundee..”

The most famous joke from this one is Frankie’s joke about Paris Hilton’s prison time, “the wardens used to put sperm in her porridge. And that must have been a horrible moment for her. ‘OHHH, THERE’S PORRIDGE IN THIS.”
A great set from Frankie, with enough memorable gags without him being spread too thin

Andy only gets one joke, on global warming, and it’s not a great one. Well then.

A weaker Stand Up Round saved by Frankie.

If This is the Answer: Nature; Sparrows, Otters and Hedgehogs

Andy: “what is the least popular Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor?”
Frankie: “what is the top-selling porn mag in Norfolk?”
Andy: “who are the entrants in Simon Cowell’s new TV show, THE WOODLAND’S GOT TALENT.”
Is it me, or has Andy just been exponentially better in the last two shows? He’s sort of merging with a lot of more natural runners and mentalities, and he’s slowly becoming a helpful backbone, which will help in the coming series’.

Russell: “is it ‘what does Bill Oddie scream at the point of orgasm?”
THAT got me. Jesus.
Ed: “rank these animals in the order of loudest bang they make when put on a bonfire”
Oh god, even better. Alun loves that one
Russell: “starting with the least painful, rate these animals in shagability.”

Frankie: “is it, as a child, what did I dress in military uniforms to reenact the battle of Stalingrad, with the german forces being played by a lawnmower.”
What is WITH HIM THIS SHOW?

Russell: “name three colloquial terms for a lady’s vagina?”
Russell’s also having a nice round as well.
Alun, nodding: “show us yer hedgehog…”

Frankie: “is it ‘what are waiting patiently in a queue to get into Richard Gere’s arse?'”
Might have been my biggest laugh yet
Dara, to the audience: “won’t be getting in…”
Frankie, taking this another way: “what, is there a bouncer on the arse? ‘Not with spines, mate, not tonight…”
[and then Frankie does a racist one that makes Russell laugh with his mouth open]

Alun has some nice slightly absurd points about these animals needing to move to less well-kept gardens, or even “climbing the property ladder and getting their OWN gardens”.

Frankie, on these extinctions: “I mean, the next series of Springwatch is gonna be like Schindler’s List…just all shown in black and white with a little robin’s red breast…”
Again, I love how he thinks, and how bizarrely dark so many of his jokes are
Frankie: “Bill Oddie smuggling otters through Belgium…”
Russell: “I’d watch that…just to watch Oddie- ‘what’dyou got there?’ ‘rrf!’ ‘nothing!”

Ed even talks about the pandas that refuse to have sex, and how they’ve made panda porn to try and convince them
Russell: “they have, I’ve seen it…”
Frankie: “the pandas WANT to die, and we’re forcing them to have sex! Could you imagine on your deathbed, and some zookeeper makes you hump someone? [pause] I CAN.”
PFFFFF
That gets everybody down, just how he says that. Proving how much of a roll Frankie’s on this show.

Ed even adds that his wife won’t let him kill anything in their new place
Dara: “what, when you were in the middle of the city she allowed you to go out and kill things? ‘I FOUND A TRAMP! I’VE TAKEN AND KILLED HIM.”
Frankie: “TRAMPS WANT TO DIE.”:
Arms outstretched, like this is a proven fact

Russell mentions that birds mistake car horns and phone ringtones for mating calls. “Next time you honk your car horn, you’re turning on a bird.”

Dara does an impression of a frog in distress, which is a precursor to his fox orgasm noises from much later in the run
Russell: ‘that frog sounded a bit like Amy Winehouse…”
Dara, repeating: “EEYAAAIIIIIIGH.”
Russell: “…ya tryna make me go to rehab…”

Andy: “which is better, cats or dogs? To me, it’s fairly obvious. Imagine guide cats for the blind…”
Andy’s doing decent stuff tonight but a lot of his jokes are too elaborate

There’s a good bit where Russell and Frankie just riff on shit that’s happened to them. Russell frightening a seeing eye dog and flinging a blind man along. Frankie leaving a mess of his dog’s fur out for his girlfriend to find [“bit of an accident…”]
Andy, somehow the voice of reason: “are we getting close to the truth of where these animals are now going?”

And so we get to the image of the hedgehogs clinging to a brush, as Ed says, ’cause they think it’s their mother”

Frankie: “that’s just the image we’ve given to it, I mean, they could view that brush as a sex doll…”
Russell: “technically that’s a hedgehog gangbang, Frankie’s right…”
Dara, summing up Frankie: “you’ve taken a really nice story and made it horrible now…”
Ed: “it’s not really that nice a story, these hedgehogs have been orphaned. YA LIKE an orphaned hedgehog, do ya? Ohhhh the mother’s dead, isn’t that nice?”
Ed has been slowly gaining ground, even if he’s still having some early-appearance shakiness and some jokes not hit. A lot of his best stuff has been off of Dara

I love Andy making fun of the hedgehog’s names, Mungo, Mary, Midge and Slappy, and “you’d think they’d have picked four named that went together, as opposed to…Ron, Harry, Hermione, and BONZO.” Just great delivery.
Frankie: “they called it Slappy because it won the Hedgehog slut contest.”
AND WE’RE BACK.

Andy attempts to bring the mom hedgehog back to the shaved mass of dog hair in Frankie’s story, it doesn’t get the response, Dara has to explain it, and since SOMEBODY has to land a joke, Frankie saves it by going “…YOU SICK FUCKER, ANDY.”

Dara: “who’s been getting tough on crime this week?”
Russell, quick as he can: “THE A TEAM! The A-Team!”

Frankie, on Cameron’s late claims: “what does it matter what Cameron says anyway? It’s like Ben Stiller saying he’s gonna lower income tax or Wayne Rooney committing more troops to Iraq…”

Ed has a good bit about Cameron’s attempts to censor rap music, and “the whole music industry gathering, Snoop, Fiddy…all gathered round, and him going “…chaps…you’re setting a bad example…”
He does throw in a slightly-racist ‘CAMERON…SUCK MAH DICK…”
Frankie laughs hard. “THAT WAS UNCANNY. WHEN DID SNOOP COME IN?”
Ed, frustrated: “oh god, I was doing Fiddy…”

Dara, after a slam, goes “when would I ever meet 50 Cent?”
Ed: “one of your showbiz parties?”
Dara, playing along: “Ah, Fiddy, 50 Cent, I’d like you to meet Ronnie Corbett…”

Ed has a great bit about rap albums just being insults at you. “You kinda feel like saying ‘why are you having a go at me, I BOUGHT your album…go threaten someone who doesn’t like ya, have a go at me dad, he HATES ya”
Russell: “That’d be a great song, LET’S GET ED’S DAD…”

Alun: “I think it’s difficult for David Cameron to tell kids not to listen to hip hop when we all suspect he really likes Enya..”
Alun’s having a very low-key but strong night

Andy brings up the idea that violent movies are to blame for influencing real behavior, but that you don’t see kids in real life slamming into the corridor between platforms 9 and 10 at Kings Cross
Dara: “It’s funny when they do that, though, isn’t it? TRY HARDER! YOU’RE JUST NOT BELIEVING ENOUGH.”
Ed: “Ya’ve given yourself the mark, though..”
PFF.

Another strong conversation round. I’d always remembered the hedgehog bit lifting the whole section, but there’s a lot of good stuff that made air, involving pandas and dogs and such.

Scenes We’d Like to See:

“Things an athletics commentator would never say”
Frankie: “Here are the athletes in this second heat of the women’s 400 meters, in order of fuckability.”
AND JUST LIKE THAT WE’RE OFF.
Andy, noting the pause after that: “…I think it’s gonna be hard to follow that one…”

Frankie: “there’s a white man in the finals of the 100 meters…good luck with that…”
[hey, he could have prosthetic legs and a gun!]
Andy, winning me over with absurdity: “And I’ve gotta say it’s a surprise, the winner of the marathon are four blokes tied together, dressed as Spider Man…”

Andy: “and we’ve got to admit, the long jump is a lot more exciting now that we’ve found out there’s a landmine in the sandpit.”
Verging on Frankie levels

Hugh, doing a standard MTW joke setup: “and THERE’S THE BELL. COULD SOMEONE GET THE DOOR PLEASE, I’M COMMENTATING.”
Frankie: “tragedy in the water polo, as all the horses have drowned.”
PFFFF. Easy, but it works.
Andy, once again winning me over with delivery: “and the urine sample seems to have melted the beaker…that’s not a GOOD sign…”

Frankie: “they’re unable to separate them with a photo, so it’s going to have to be a slut contest.”
IT KEEPS. COMING. BACK.

“The Worst Thing to Say When Running for US President”, which is one I watched a lot as I was getting into the show
Frankie: “I intend to withdraw from Iraq…and invade some REAL pussies like Spain…”

Andy has an easy “I did inhale…just now” joke which he sells with some stoned giggling after the fact.
Frankie, literally on his tail to get on, as he has begun to be: “there are no skeletons in my closet, just a black latex dildo suit.”
Hugh, bringing back an old favorite: “AH WOULD LIKE YEW TA CALL MEH………PRESIDENT…SHOWADDEHWADDEH.”
Frankie, with one that makes him chuckle: “I have a magnificent war record…it’s Pipes of Peace by Paul McCartney!”

Frankie: “I don’t want to just appeal to white voters, I also want to reach out to ch–ks, w-ps and negroes!”
[boomer voice] DEY COULD NAHT PUT DAT OUT TODAY.

Alun: “Please vote for me, if I get into the White House, my husband Bill promises to gobble ME off.”
Closest one we’ve had to reality

Ed gets in before the final bell with a bad one, perhaps a foreshadower of his knowingly corny puns in this round: “Whilst at college, I did experiment with marijuana, I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, BUT I DID NOT…IN HAIL.” [DANCES]
Yeah…I’ll allow it.

A pretty strong [I’ve been saying that a lot] SWLTS. The President round had the biggest crowdpleasers, but there was a lot of classics in the sportscaster one. Ed’s got better as he went on, Alun’s were sort of subtle ones every so often, and Hugh felt the most at home here as he has all night.

Our stinger is Dara recording some promos:
Dara: “we have to do that again cause you weren’t smiling”
Frankie: “I’M smiling…”
Ed: “are we in this shot?
Dara: “Yeah, you’re in this shot. You all don’t have to look like, ‘aw fuck this shit…”
Hugh: “I wasn’t smiling, I was just wondering what-”
Dara, very cranky: “I DON’T CARE WHY YOU WEREN’T SMILING, I WANNA GET OUT OF HERE, SHUTUP…”

Dara tries again, but fumbles Prescott’s name
Andy, of course: “FUCK YOU, DARA, I WANNA FUCKIN’ GET OUT OF HERE.”
Hugh: “can I just say…I was smiling that time…”
Ed: “LEAVE HIM ALONE…he’s my BEST FRIEND.”
Even Dara blushes there. “One week it’s Konnie Huq, this week it’s you.”
WE EVEN CALL BACK TO THAT???

Overall: The show that aired is a pretty solid S5 entry, to the caliber of a lot of other ones, with a sharp panel and some nice moments, including a great SWLTS, a ton of great Frankie content, and the beginnings of Ed Byrne’s dynamic and tacky likability on this show. The Too Hot version just had more of it, and while it was still very similar in quality, stuff like the hedgehog jokes, the glut of Prescott gags, and the entirety of both the slut contest and the ‘this won’t make it in checklist’ runners. Like a lot of Too Hot shows, it just feels like a bigger, more realized version of the show that did make it. I don’t think it’s as wall-to-wall funny as some of the past Too Hots, like the lube show or the tortoise show. But it’s a solid one, and a good picture of this era.

Some other minor notes, aside from the Frankie overexposure and the rise of Ed, Andy did a lot of strong work here, Alun was a minor highlight with some great under-the-radar stuff, and Hugh was lower key than he’s been in a lot of shows lately.

Best Regular: Frankie. Jesus Christ he was on tonight.
Best Guest: Ed came into his own tonight, and had a lot of nice moments late.
Worst Performer: Hugh didn’t have much to do at all tonight.
Best Round: Headliners had the most comprehensive material no matter how you cut it.
Best Topic: Hedgehogs
Best Runner: slut contest
Best Too Hot bit: ‘that’s not going in’ bingo.

COMING UP NEXT: A rare episode from this stretch that doesn’t have a Too Hot cut, but definitely has some material on the DVD

Mock the Watchdown: S05E07 [& Too Hot], or LOOK AT HIM SQUIIIIRM.

As we head into the second half of series 5, we head into the last stretch of Too Hot for TV extended cuts, which make up 4 of the last 5 episodes of this series. After this, that’d be the end of those, though, once again, I am gonna cover the full reels in these DVDs.

This episode brings back David Mitchell, always welcome here, and gives us the sole appearance by Fiona Allen, who, like Lauren Laverne, is a sort of iconoclastic pick for MTW. Much like Lauren Laverne was singing lead for Kenickie before going into presenting, Fiona Allen was working the front desk at Tony Wilson’s Hacienda before becoming an actress and comedian. This is her only MTW appearance, but she picked a good one.

As always, BBC edit material in regular text, Too Hot material in italics

The Too Hot version gets a cold open, and an excellent one at that:
Dara: “got everything, got all the rounds, got TWO BANANAS…”

Dara: “anybody else got bananas? No fookin’ bananas for the rest of you…fuck you’s all”
And he even uses the bananas as a ‘fuck off’ finger signal, which is genius
Frankie, after reaching for a few seconds:

Frankie: “FOOK YOU, O’BRIAIN!”
Dara: “FFFUCK!”
It’s iconic. Just the sort of overdramatic way Frankie pulls that out and yells that. So damn funny. AND WE’RE OFF

Headliners: T.F.H.C.

If I had to pick my favorite Headliners round…it might be this one.

Fiona, punchy off the bat: “is it…tired fatty has cardiac?”
Dara: “that’s harsh, to be honest..”

Hugh, perfectly delivered: “is it This Fellow Has Croaked?”
Dara: ‘which newspaper is THAT from?”
Hugh, same voice: “it’s the, erm, Daily Express of 1951…”

Fiona even does a satirical one: “Transplanted Face Hides Cameron?”
David, delivered as only he can: “Is it Trench Foot Hits Carshalton? Cause I’ve heard trench foot HAS HIT…CARSHALTON.”
Dara, amused: “is it that it’s particularly wet in Carshalton?”
David: “no, they’re slovenly, they have a bath too close to when they have to be at work.”

Frankie: “is the doctor saying ‘Try Flicking His Cock?”
In a less infamous round, that would be the standout
David, earnestly: “that works, actually, that’s a good tip…if you think someone might be dead, just try flicking his cock…”

And then we arrive at the answer that has lived in MTW infamy for years
Frankie: “ES ET….THIS FOOKER HAS CANCER?”
And that alone gets a big reaction. The first time I saw this it hit me hard. 
Dara: “Basically, we use this round to shave off any air of decency you may have left just from…a week away from us you may have just had a happy time, and then we give you THIS to do at the very start until you’re roaring and spitting like a visigoth.”
I do love Dara, just from how he interprets having to host this show, and having to organize these shenanigans. 

Hugh: “that was a bit harsh”
And before he starts in, you can see the smirk coming:

Hugh: “is it This Fucker Has CHLAMYDIA?”
I love it. Keep the gag going.

Dara: “I’ll give you a clue, the first three words aren’t This Fucker Has, and a series of diseases beginning with C.”
Andy, already with an idea, tries to butt in: “IS IT-”
Dara: “SO ELIMINATE…This Fucker Has Clap…”
Andy: “SO IS IT, THEN, THAT FUCKER HAS CANCER?”
ROUND OF APPLAUSE. YOU CANNOT KILL THIS GAG.

It is here where Dara mentions that before the show the producers said “ya KIIIINDA hit the limit on the fooks last week’, and we had THREE.” Already, the censors and production is trying to hold the show back, which, as they should have learned from Whose Line, NEVER GOES WELL.

Fiona: “is it This Fucking Hospital’s Crap?”
AND THEN SHE DOES THIS:

LIKE SHE’S EXPECTING IT TO BE RIGHT. I love that move.
Dara, after a sufficient pause: ‘…it’s NOT, NO..for the sake of this, could somebody PLEASE TELL ME…”
Dara is so over this gag. He wants it to be over. The other 6 do not.
David: “Now we’ve had so many with ‘fuckin’, I wonder how funny they’re gonna be without fuckin’.
I kinda love how much force David puts into the f-bomb here. KNOWING it’s the source of the humor.
David: “unless we do some with c–t in it-”
Dara, simultaneously: “well, you could go places WITH THE C. THE C IS WAITING FOR YOU [clutches ear] SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT IN MY EAR? Could we please NOT have ones with fook or c–t in them?”
David, smirkingly: “is it, what, 9 c–nts we’re allowed in the half hour?”
Dara: “WEIRDLY you’re allowed more c–ts than fucks”
And they all kinda agree that’s backwards.
[btw, to anyone wondering why i’m typing out ‘fuck’ but not ‘c–t’, I’m a cis man who isn’t very rude.]

Meanwhile, back on task
Andy, now attempting to get one on air: “IS IT…THAT…”
Russell:

Just hits him like a freight train
Andy: ‘that…FRICKER…has cancer.”
I kinda love this one. Andy has the most fun of anybody with this gag.

Hugh, on this wavelength, responds with the only one of these that makes air out of context: “THAT FOOL has Chlamydia.”
Which is a funny one, but…we deserved the whole story

Dara shuffles them towards the correct answer: “The T Stands For Tories”
Hugh: “Tories-”
Andy, STILL DETERMINED: “FUCKING…HARDWORKING C–TS…”
WE NOW CUT TO THE CATALYST OF THIS WHOLE GAG:

EVEN FRANKIE CAN’T BELIEVE WHERE THIS WENT.
Dara, done: “No, HUGH, what was the one you were gonna say that doesn’t have…”
I like how Dara trails off before he becomes guilty of the thing he’s calling them all out for.
Russell, saying his first line of the show: “Tories Fuck Hospital C-”
Dara, BLOWING UP: “STOP SAYING FOOK. THE F DOESN’T STAND FOR FOOK.”
Frankie, helping slightly, in mid-chuckle: “Is it Two Fat Hairy Cocks?”
Dara, now trying not to laugh, exhausted: “it’s NOT TWO FAT HAIRY COCKS…I HATE…alright, we’re moving on…”

Andy does the correct answer, with a Hugh setup, and we’re finally through that bit. Oh my lord that’s a phenomenal run of nonsense.

Russell has a gag where a hardened Gordon Brown beats people up with a lamp
Dara: “Brown’s gonna turn up to fights with a LAMP?”
Russell: “…I dunno why I said ‘lamp’..”
Dara: “I would have accepted BASEBALL BAT, BICYCLE CHAIN…”
David: “It’s not called a bare knuckle AND LAMP fight”
This is so goofy, I kinda love it
Dara: “Maybe it’s kinda like The Untouchables. ‘he hits you with a knuckle? You get him with a lamp.”
Not only is that a great Untouchables reference, I do love that movie, but you can also count Dara naming a baseball bat as a fight option as one too. You can tell he enjoys that movie.

Hugh: “if he had a WWF name, it’d be something imaginative like…GORDON BROWN.”
Someone tell Hugh that Vince changed it due to lawsuits from the World Wildlife Foundation
Dara: “and his pre-match psyche-out speech will be ‘I will probably win’.”

Dara asks how Cameron botched his new initiative
Frankie: “he tied it to a hand-glider and then threw it off the top of the House of Commons”
Frankie’s been quieter tonight, but he’s been hitting when he can

Hugh has a joke about how nobody cares about Cameron’s policy because of the drawn-out name ‘The Public Services Policy Review’. “If they wanted someone to buy that or look at it, they had to call it HARRY POTTER and the Public Services Policy Review, and at the end, one of the Weasleys would die on the trolley, having been left there for 36 hours.”
Really good joke construction, kind of a snappier version of an Andy joke

Frankie talks about tax cuts for ‘bastards’ by the tories. “The next law will be that you don’t have to pay the congestion charge if you’re on horseback hunting a tramp..”

Andy talks about Cameron’s idea for giving married couples an extra 20 quid a month, so they can stay together. “That’ll make all the difference, won’t it? ‘I HATE YOU, I DON’T KNOW WHY WE’RE MARRIED, I’M LEAVING’ ‘There’s a tenner in it for you…’ “I’m here for keeps!”

Frankie also mentions potential cohabitation laws, “so if you’ve stayed with someone for two years, they can have married rights and they can take half your stuff…which is playing into my hands, because my stuff is shit…and I’d happily trade it for two years of sex.”
Frankie has been pretty punchy tonight. He’s not entirely at his later phase of dourness, but he’s beginning to head there with a few of these. And in an episode where the guests aren’t contributing to conversation as much, it’s good that Frankie, Hugh and Andy are packing punch this show.

Of course, as I said that, we introduce the ‘Blue Peter upsets the tories’ round, which does lead to a personal favorite runner of mine.
First, Hugh has a smart gag by saying “have they changed their name to RED Peter”, which not enough audience members get
Russell: ‘it’s, uh…Konnie Huq….does she hate ’em?”
Pfff. I love that. He knows the answer, just not enough of it

Russell: “I’LL TELL YA WHO DOESN’T HATE KONNIE HUQ, EH DARA?”
Dara: “…she’s a good girl. Don’t, eh, don’t mess with the Huq.”
Fiona, saying something for the first time since the opening round: “hang on, what does that mean? D’you fancy her?”
Dara: “I UH WELL UH…it’s a kids TV kinda thing, and I kinda like…”
Yeah, talk about a crush and Dara turns into Boris Johnson. I love that
Fiona: “So you do, then-”
Russell: “HE LOVES HER, HE LOVES HER.”
Dara: “No, I’m just saying-”
Andy: “LOOK AT HIM SQUIIIIRM.”
I love Andy in this whole bit. He has the funniest reaction to all this. At last, the host is human. After all those ‘fucking’ strongholds, he has something against Dara.

Hugh: “Have you ever met her, Dara?”
Dara: “No, I have never met her, and it’s CLEARLY not going to happen NOW…”
Frankie: “WOULD YE LIKE TA SADDLE UP TO’ER AND SAY ‘HEERE’S SOMETHING I MADE EARLIER?”
Frankie has found the exact right moments to come in this show, instead of his usual steamrolling, and I do really like that.

Fiona: “Dara, does your wife watch this?”
Dara: “yeah, but she doesn’t watch Blue Peter so I’m alright.”
GREAT ANSWER.

Dara tries to go on, but Hugh’s still going: “STICKY-BACK PLASTIC.”
The audience: *gets the wrong idea*
Hugh:

Dara:

EVEN HE’S CONFUSED by that reaction. “That was just a Blue Peter term, no actual gag there”
MEANWHILE, ANDY:

I’ve always loved this move. Just a very cute gesture, like they’re in school, as Dara and Hugh are arguing. And he just slowly turns to the audience.

Dara finally gets to the answer of the question after all this tomfoolery. David talks about Konnie’s association with a Ken Livingstone press conference leading to right wing complaints, and Konnie’s contract being restructured, “so she can’t say what she likes anymore, so now Blue Peter presenters no longer have the same human rights as the rest of us.” Classic David factual rage.
Andy: “ironically, this week on Blue Peter, they’re making a voodoo doll of David Cameron.”

Frankie has a good joke where he says that during ‘the bit where she sends the parents out of the room’, “she can say whatever she likes. ‘Okay, we’re making an advent calendar, send your parents out of the room, REBELLLL BY KILLING PEOPLE AND BLOWING SHIT UP.”
PFFFF
Russell: “that’s why you don’t work in kids TV, Frankie..”

Dara, on why the complaint is BS: “You know, the way that Blue Peter viewers, between ages 8 and 14, are BIG VOTERS…”
Andy: “some of them are 8, some of them are 13, [looking at Dara] SOME OF THEM AROUND ABOUT 35…”
PFFF. Andy is SO GOOD IN THIS BIT.
Dara: “don’t mess with the Huq…”
And he peers over at Andy as he reads the next question, KNOWING he’s up to something.

Andy, on the beginnings of the ‘hot Putin’ propaganda photos: “he looks like a gay porn star…”
Dara, flicking through them: “by the way, that’s November…”

Russell: “how gay does it sound, you’ve got a topless man knocking about with a bloke called Prince Albert…it’s gayer than Right Said Fred dancing on a doily…”
[upon hearing this, Richard Fairbrass nearly choked on his toblerone]

Hugh: “Why’s that horse got a spike through its head?”
As good as the conversations can be, the little photo gags work for me a lot too
Dara: “cause it may have disobeyed him in some tiny way”
Hugh: “he looks like he’s gonna launch a nuclear strike from that horse’s head”
Dara: “what, with one of those WOODEN nuclear bombs that Russia has?”

Frankie: “that’s what I want to see in a leader, someone who can crush a man’s head like a beer can!”
Hugh: “I would like to see John Prescott in a series of similar photos…”

Frankie: “I was gonna make a joke about some Russian people being gangsters, but some people spoke to me, and all I’d like to say is I’m looking forward to Chelsea continuing their great start to the season…and the safe return of my pregnant wife”
PFFFF

A very strong opening round, with great stuff overflowing, the very funny Konnie Huq round, and good stuff about Cameron and Putin. Because of the scaled back quality of some of the earlier Too Hot shows, only the FUCKING bit is different here from the air version, but it’s a very useful addition. 

Stand Up Round: Andy, Russell, HUGH and Frankie

Yeah…neither David nor Fiona had sets ready, so Hugh’s gotta do it…

Andy talks about the public antithesis of therapy, of just talking about your inhibitions and your problems to your friends. “And so I did talk about my problems to my friends for an hour, lost my inhibitions…and also lost my friends.”

Andy: “I now tell my problems to taxi drivers. Two advantages to this. One, it stops the taxi driver from telling you HIS problems, and two, it’s amazing how much quicker you get to your bloody destination.”
An excellent set from Andy, a bit more thoughtful than usual. He’s a lot better when he’s self-introspective than when he’s just making obvious points about the news.

Russell’s on the media, is kind of basic. Really just a summation of media culture and crazy people calling in, no real so what.

Hugh’s, on sport, talks of corruption in horse-racing. “One of the solutions might be to call the horses names like ‘mafia-backed second favorite'”. It leads to a very whose line-esque ‘literal horse racing names’ gag though. He’s better than a lot of people give him credit for in this round, but it’s clearly not his strong suit.
He does have a great ending gag: “mafia backed second favorite has won it, which is remarkable, as he has no head. That’s been left in someone’s bed for tomorrow morning.”
It’s fascinating seeing Hugh in this round cause you can see the pieces that’d be better off in a discussion round, and a SWLTS round.

Frankie, on the environment, talks about Ryanair’s 7 pound flight to New York. “Of course, cause it’s Ryanair, it’ll land just a bit outside New York…in Dublin.”

Frankie, on storms: “what I like to do [during thunderstorms] is shag my girlfriend and make like we’re taking part in the conception of the antichrist.”
Even if this is a smaller set from Frankie, it’s still got some great lines and some funny stuff.

A decent enough stand up round. Andy and Frankie had the strongest stuff.

If This is the Answer: Education; 25 in a Row

Frankie: “is it, ‘you’ve just been picked up whilst hitchhiking, what’s the last thing you want to hear the truck driver chuckle as he nods towards the 24 empty rucksacks in the back.”
One of the reasons I adore Frankie on this show is that nobody seems to think like him.

Hugh: “for how many years has Romania’s top female gymnast thought ‘surely, SURELY they will let me have puberty now”
….except, on occasion, Hugh.
Andy: “FRANKIE’S HORRIFIED BY THAT.”
Frankie: “Is it how often has Stephen Hawking failed his karate yellow belt grading.”
PFFFFF

Andy, of course: “is it how many times has Dara O’Briain cracked one off on Blue Peter?”
Dara, squirming once more: “It was unfair to draw her into a political battle, it’s not like I have an OBSESSION with her…”
Frankie: “DARA, IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, D’YOU HAVE A WANKOMETER?”

David, the voice of reason: “can’t a man form an unnatural obsession they’ve had with someone they’ve never met on the television without resorting to masturbation jokes?”
This is why David is so great on this show. His observations and irony just work, especially in contrast to the rest.
David: “he’s just MADE A LITTLE SHRINE…”
Dara: “I have not made a little shrine, and CAN I POINT OUT-” [grabbing from Andy’s desk] “STOP WRITING ‘DARA FANCIES KONNIE’ ON A PIECE OF PAPER.”
The culmination of the hanging runner from Andy. Kind of MTW’s answer to the tape recorder from WL.

Frankie, after Dara thinks he’s settled it for the last time: “d’you know when they need to settle something out of paper maché? Do you just not need glue?”
JESUS

Hugh: “is it how many years in a row has Britain finished in the bottom 5 at the Eurovision Song Contest?”
David, being David: “We won it in 1997, I happen to know…”
The lead singer was an American…
Hugh: “WOULD YOU LIKE TO SING US THAT SONG, DAVID?”
David: “well, I would, but unfortunately a court order said I mustn’t.”
David’s having a wonderful show.

David: “is it how many letters are there after A?”
SEE? HE’S ON FIRE

Frankie: “is it ‘Cliff Richard has had 25 top ten hits. How many were shit?”
Another one that hit me like a freight train

On the education topic, Frankie brings up that everything is being turned into a university now. “It used to be that you’d turn up to do a gig in a uni and you’d go ‘didn’t this used to be a polytechnique? Now it’s ‘wasn’t this an all-nite garage?’ ‘wasn’t this a SWIMMING POOL last year?”

Frankie, with the ultimate slow-burner joke: “One thing I could never work out is how to get girls’ bras undone, and then what I realized is that these girls were wearing a different TYPE of bra from my gran.”
HE’S SO GOOD AT THESE.

David has a bit about the nonsense of having to learn about autumn every year.
Dara: “They’re just protecting you from the shock of having to see it happen again. OH NO, THE WORLD IS DYING. AHHHH. ‘We’ve TOLD you about this, David…”

The news on Tim Henman’s retirement opens the floodgates for some slams:
Andy: “surely he’s gonna try and retire, and then never actually make it…and then end up playing until he’s 100 years old. It’ll just bottle the retirement, just until the final minute.”
Frankie: “Let’s not forget, he was once the 4th in the world, reached 6 grand slam finals, which is a great achievement for a totally shit player.”

David: “put it this way, the last time a british player won, the Nazis marched into the Rhineland”
Andy, SUDDENLY ONE-UPPING DAVID: “IN 1977???”
David: “no, I was talking about the men’s.”

Andy: “and, 1977, of course, the year Konnie Huq was BORN!”
[TWO YEARS OFF, ANDY]
Dara: “…it’s not actually”

A pretty good ITITA round. The initial scuffle was the highlight, but the Henman stuff was also pretty funny. Not a ton of Fiona in these discussion points, gotta say.

Scenes We’d Like to See:

“Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane”
Hugh: “well, uh, if you look out of the portside window in just a minute or so, you’ll see me. Bye!”

Andy: “GET THOSE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE.”
Like his Life of Brian one from last series, clapter-y, but more silly than anything. Also, I would have preferred Frankie’s Sam Jackson impression [“I’LL TELL YA ABOUT THE PRIEST PROCESS MOTHAFUCKA…”]

David, honestly jumping off a point he made on QI: “The only thing less likely than surviving crashing into the sea is the Coast Guard hearing the whistles on your lifejacket”
Frankie: “Luisa and the in-flight team will be taking care of you today, and your hijacker’s name is Ibrehim.”
Frankie: “this is a no-smoking flight, but feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we’ve opened a window.”

Hugh: “I’m sorry, due to unforeseen islamic fundamentalism, this plane is being diverted to paradise.”
A lot of really sharp ones here

“The Worst Person To Be Married To:”
Hugh: “….BAAAAA.”
IT’S THAT SIMPLE.
Frankie: “I expect sex five or six times a night, and I hope you don’t mind me watching.”

Russell does a fun one with a hand puppet that screams ‘DIE BITCH’.

Frankie, extra thick accent: “BRACE YERSELF AGNES, IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!”

Frankie, of course: “when I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV.”
Andy: “OF COURSE WE’RE GONNA GO OUT TONIGHT! IT’S HITLER’S BIRTHDAY!”

Frankie: “you want me to put my dingaling into your fairy cave? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!”
and then, Frankie: “he sleeps in the bed with us, okay? Don’t make me choose between you and the wolf!”
Russell:

Frankie, who will not stop: “I’m happy to say I do…I do animals.”

Hugh: “please…PLEASE PAVAROTTI…LET ME GO ON TOP…”
JESUS, HUGH, HE’D BE DEAD IN 2 WEEKS. Which must explain why this one’s not in the Too Hot cut.

A very strong round of this, with lots of good stuff, even if a lot of it came from Frankie.

Overall: The original cut was great, and you’d think it wouldn’t need much help, but that bit of Headliners and those SWLTS responses go a long way. The Fucking bit adds to an episode already bursting with great material thanks to the Konnie bits, which aged exactly as expected, and some of the really good conversational dynamics courtesy of David and Andy. Frankie had a show that started quiet and got stronger as we went on. Russell was a ton more haphazard tonight but even he had his moments. I dunno why Fiona was here. Still a sentimental favorite in both cuts.

Best Regular: I’m giving it to Andy. He had the strongest stand-up round, the cheekiest moments, and brought the runner forth multiple times. He also just had so much fun with the fuckin’ stuff.
Best Guest: David had a lot of great moments in the conversation rounds.
Worst Performer: Fiona barely did anything of note, and was mostly good for setups.
Best Round: Headliners, because oh my god.
Best Topic: Blue Peter.
Best Runner: Dara Fancies Konnie.
Best Too Hot bit: STOP. SAYING. FUCK.

COMING UP NEXT: Another Too Hot show, featuring Ed Byrne and a new recurring guest that’d be with the show for a little while.

Mock the Watchdown: S05E06, or Wish I Was King, Wish I Had Cheese

I usually just assume that the presence of Ben Norris on this show means a booking has fallen through.

Ben Norris was the warm-up act on MTW, did this for the bulk of these series, 5 to 7, the golden age of the show. Most famously he appeared on an episode in place of Frankie Boyle, and was a last minute replacement. This happens from time to time, it happened with Maff Brown coming in to replace Angela Barnes last series. But…Ben appearing here, knowing that about him, feels slightly suspect in that sense. Cause yes, he does do two shows this series, but knowing that he’s the warm-up man, it puts his other appearances in the same context. So if Ed Byrne is in one seat, who fell threw? Gina Yashere? Nobody? It’s hard to say.

I do think that Ben was a legit booking this series, but…we may never know.

Regardless, Ed and Ben are both great, this show will likely be good.

Headliners: E.P.I.H

Russell: “empty parachute incident horror.”
Frankie: “is it ‘easy pigs, I’m high’?”
…this might be the first time where Russell’s first statement of the show is a bigger hit than Frankie’s.

Hugh got my first big laugh, though: “is it Enter Poland, Insists Hitler”
Dara: “…it’s more topical than THAT…”
Ed, by that logic: “it’s Elvis Presley in Hiding!”
Dara, now losing his nerve: “it’s clearly none of those…”
Andy gets it next, but I would have loved for them to keep going

Frankie, on the protesters: “if they wanted to throw Heathrow into chaos, they should do what everyone else does and book a flight…I’m mean, there’s always a camp of about 2000 people at Heathrow, it’s just normally they’re waiting for their baggage to arrive…”

Andy brings up the renovations to terminal 5 in Heathrow
Ben: “you think Terminal 5 will be a lot like Channel 5, and for the first few years not everyone will understand where it is?”
Dara: “but they’ll know if they get there it’ll just be tits and soccer..”

Ed does an outdated Romani slur in a joke that…gets no response, then frames it as a question to Dara
Dara: “I have no idea, DAILY MAIL MAN…”
Okay, even in 2007, he’s calling that out.

Ed: “if I were a g—y, I’d be sitting there watching this going ‘that’s not fair…we don’t even stand on our heads like twats…”

The next topic is on the police lowering the standard for entry exams from 60% to 50% to get more policemen on the streets. Andy even says that most of the trainees couldn’t answer a question of ‘what’s 9 hours after 19:00’,
Dara: “By the way, the answer is 28 hours..”
[has the UK adopted a 48-hour army time standard I’m not aware of?]
Andy: “people are worried about the police on the street, presumably there are actually police on the street, but there would be more if they knew when their bloody shift actually finished…”
Dara: ‘they’re all knocking it off going ‘ah, 19:09…”
So far, this has been a very strong show for Dara, even if a lot of the topics have been kinda weak

There’s a good bit about 16 year old support officers, “who are allowed to confiscate drink but aren’t legally allowed to drink it”
Dara: “I’d like to think the police don’t confiscate drink and then IMMEDIATELY DRINK IT. I’d like to think that the law isn’t ‘finders keepers, losers weepers’
Frankie: “I think that just makes them more human, if you imagine them seizing a whole load of pornography and them pissing up the park..”
Russell, just registering: “UP THE PARK??”
Frankie: “that’s where you always found pornography as a kid! Who was reading porn under a HEDGE? Oh, I’ve…found the porn of a goblin!”
Dara: “never goblin women, though…”
Frankie, quicker than I’ve ever seen him: “HUMAN women!”
Russell: “that’d be the most amazing phone call to get when you’re a teenager. “I FOUND GOBLIN PORN!” “I’LL BE THERE!”

As a note, not much from Hugh, Ben and Andy so far. LOTS of Russell and Frankie

Andy, that being said: “what were you doing looking under a hedge? Were you HOPING to find porn?”
Frankie: “If I can be completely honest with you, Andy, yes.”
PFFFF. Andy loves this, too

Frankie, literally a second later: “Aren’t 16 year old policemen gonna look like kissograms for pedophiles?”
JESUS

There’s a bit about teenage policemen on rollerblades and such, not all of it works
Hugh: “What are criminals gonna do in Hyde Park anyway, steal a tree?”
Dara: “mainly pornography…they’re trying to lure goblin women…”
How is THIS a runner?

I do love Dara’s image of roller-SKATING police “, like a retro cop…with giant afros…”

“…YYEEEEAHHHH…”

Frankie: “is that just the police’s way of getting all the gay cops out of the station? Just get some roller blades…”
Dara: “go out and join the LYCRA SQUAD!”

Alright opening round. A lot of dead spots, but some very funny energy. Mostly coming from Frankie and Russell, honestly.

Stand Up Round: Andy, Ben, Ed and Frankie

Andy, on britishness: “we’re also noted for our self-deprecation. Only in Britain would we have a best-selling book called Crap Towns, and then have to produce a second book, Crap Towns 2, because too many British people had written in complaining that their town hadn’t made the first book…”
His usual observational stuff, but some gems, like that one, in there

Ben, on London: “if you’re not sure if you’re a Cockney, look down, if you’re covered in buttons, you’re a Cockney…or a Sky remote..either way, you’re probably not working.”
Very sly delivery. You think he’s made the satirical point and he just keeps building
Unfortunately, there’s not much else in this set that works, and that’s kinda all he gets.

Ed, on addiction: “I actually gave up drink for February, cause, eh, that’s the shortest month.”
Simple but really effective joke

Ed talks about his friends confused about him giving up drinking and not smoking, “and I went ‘I’ve never got into a fight I couldn’t possibly win because I had a Marlboro light too many.”
Another banger

It’s a really excellent set from Ed, that builds on itself, uses throwaways, and has a great ending, with his dad telling him that ‘giving up drink for a month cause you can’ is one of the signs of alcoholism. “Thanks for the heads up there, dad. I’m never giving up drink again. I don’t want people thinkin’ I’m an alcoholic.”
Truly phenomenal set.

Frankie, on reality TV: “I think with Big Brother, they should make it more interactive. You know, ‘press the red button now, to release a tiger into the house…press it twice for a serial killer in a hockey mask…three times releases John Leslie.”
I could have cut off before the Leslie slam, one in Frankie’s arsenal, but just some funny visuals

Frankie: “they said that in India they were burning effigies of Jade Goody, and they weren’t. Turned out they were barbecuing a pig..”
DAMN

A stand up round that got stronger as it went on, and culminated in great sets from Ed and Frankie

Newsreel: Hugh is Prince Charles

At last, Hugh has something to do this show

This one isn’t as iconic as Philip’s odyssey a few shows ago, but there is something very funny about Prince Charles asking everyone he meets “d’you…have CHEESE?”

Hugh, as Charles, to a seller: “is that cheese, at all?”
Hugh, as the seller: “no, that’s an oyster, sir…your…royal idiot-ness…”

I also liked Hugh’s run of: “wish you were here, uh…wish I was king…wish I had CHEESE.” It’s so goofy. Kind of like what Hugh will do in a short while with Boris Johnson and buses

After another seller explains that ham is just pigs that have been shot, Hugh, as Charles: “shot, yes. Probably by my father…mistook it for an immigrant…”

Hugh, knowing what’s next, does a clever little gag. He says, as the seller, “you eat some of this ham, you go to another part of the space time continuum.”
CUT TO:

“….FUCK ME!”
I was gone the first time I saw this. Just perfectly timed.
Hugh: “where am I…WHERE’S THE CHEESE? WHERE’S THE CHEESE.”

Not perfect, and takes quite a bit to get going, but a very funny, and very silly, Newsreel.

If This is the Answer: Politics; 10%

Andy: “is it how much blood has Amy Winehouse got in her BLOOD…”
Russell, going in the opposite direction: “what is the percentage of people who think that their food has a party when they shut the fridge door?”

Frankie talks about Gordon Brown’s plan to fight terrorism by putting listening devices in lampposts. “Is that how terrorists work? Come, we must discuss our new plans in this BRIGHTLY LIT AREA…we’ll SING THEM OUT LIKE A BARBERSHOP QUARTET.”
THAT got me

Frankie: “there’s a petition [in Edinburgh] to combat ID cards. So that means “we’ve decided we don’t want the government having information on us, so we’re gonna send them a list of our names and addresses…”
Genuinely well-thought-out critique and satire. No wonder he’s been on a roll this series.

Dara has a very funny bit about David Cameron progressively regressing in age, culminating in an Aled Jones gag.

Frankie: “the liberal democrats say they want an election in 2009, so it’ll coincide with Ming Cambell’s 2009th birthday…”
Aw man I missed the Ming Campbell jokes

And of course the next topic is Alex Hammond’s independence run, which means more Frankie! Here he says that Hammond “looks like he’s got the cholesterol levels of a fried egg…”

Andy, with a smart jab: “I think we should give Scottish independence, then work out that you’ve got oil and invade them all over again!”
Frankie: “I hope they try invading Aberdeen on a friday night. ‘Smart bombs, is it? If ye’r really smart, ye should walk away…”

Russell tells an anecdote about Aberdeen, noted as ‘the happiest place in the world’, and a drunk pointing up at that sign and going ‘FUCK YOU!”
Frankie: “it’s unusual that you’d meet the mayor on your first night…”

Ed jumps down Hugh’s throat for saying that Northern Ireland is part of Britain when he’s explaining Britain is England, Wales and Scotland, not the UK.
Dara: “Oh, the green agenda comes out now, doesn’t it? You’ve got two irish men on the panel, SUDDENLY it turns into a nationalist show…”

Frankie: “I can’t work out if we DID actually invent everything, Scottish people, or if we’re just a nation of bullshitters. AY, MOTOWN THAT WAS US…”
PFFFF. It may seem like I’m writing down just Frankie’s stuff, but that’s what the edit is giving me

Ben: “You know I remember reading somewhere that the paperclip was never patented. I can’t help but thinking that the last few pages of the agreement were missing..”
THAT is a well-constructed joke. Ben is very clever, even if not everything he’s been doing has been hitting tonight

Much better round, even though it was very Frankie heavy, there were less lulls and more good conversation pieces.

Scenes We’d Like to See:

“Weird things to see on a road sign”
Ben: “You are leaving Croydon. Well done.”
A bit clapter-y, but the zing is there
Frankie: “help me, I’m trapped in a sign-making factory”
Of course

Hugh: “when the red lights are flashing, GET DOWN WITH THE GROOOVE.”
This seems like a round from even earlier in the run than S5.  Very silly

Andy: “Accident on opposite carriageway. Quick. LOOK.”

And then, even better, Andy: “you’re entering Scotland. No salad for 2000 miles.”
Frankie does go up afterwards, but it’s not a comeback to that.

This round also has some good bizarre ones, like Russell’s “you’re lonely, aren’t you, Russell?’, and Andy’s “GIANT EXCLAMATION MARK AHEAD.”

“Unlikely Things to Hear in the House of Lords”
Russell, being Russell in 2007: “Please welcome our newest member, LOOOORD VOLDEMORT.”
Frankie, being himself: “I want to re-criminalize homosexuality…so that I can feel dirty when I do it…”

Frankie does throw in a silly one, as it’s the mood of this round: “I AM THE LORD…of the DANCE!” [boogies accordingly]

Hugh: “THIS IS DAVINA, YOU ARE LIVE IN THE HOUSE.”
PFFFF
Hugh: “PLEASE DON’T SWEAR.”

A completely silly SWLTS, with barely any political gags and mostly just fun quickfire improv. A…change of pace for the show, one I kind of liked. The show should be relied upon to goof more often. I remember a few S9-era ones, like a train one and a SatNav one also going this route.

Overall: All over the place. The discussion rounds had some droughts, Ed had some faux pas’, Hugh only really spoke up in Newsreel, and there was lots of Russell and Frankie, but also there were some very funny points, like most of the stand up round, digressions on goblins and Scottish independence, and that insanely silly SWLTS. I don’t think this is as stellar some of the other ones from this half, and this clearly has some flaws, but I like this one more than I probably should.

Best Regular: Frankie Boyle, without a doubt.
Best Guest: Honestly? Ben did much better within the construct of the show, and had better moments in the discussion rounds, and in SWLTS.
Worst Performer: I sadly have to put Ed here, because some moments of his during the discussion rounds set him back a bit, despite a STELLAR set in Stand Up Round. I also couldn’t put Hugh here, cause he made up for his relative silence in Newsreel and SWLTS.
Best Round: SWLTS, just full on goofin’.
Best Topic: Scottish independence.
Best Runner: goblin porn

COMING UP NEXT: Another episode with a fucking Too Hot cut.

Nevermind the Watchdown: S29E07, or ALL BEZZES STAND STILL.

The second I heard about this booking combination, I was very excited for it. Daisy May Cooper had talked about this one in an interview as being a blast, being absolutely wild, and I was excited to see it.

Now, finally…..IT’S DERE.

Daisy not only gets an appearance from Buzzcocks favorite Bez, in whichever form of coherency he shows up in, but his Happy Mondays bandmate Shaun Ryder, who also had a very drowsy appearance on the show. Meanwhile, Noel and Jamali get the more sensible panelist in Desiree Burch, American comedian, former sex worker, and person Greg yanked over from Taskmaster. So this is an exciting one for sure.

Greg: “If music be the food of love, I’m prediabetic, and realistically tonight, I’m not the only one.”
Even Greg knows what we’re in for

Bez looks like Michael Palin now. I know it’s been 15 years since he’s been on but man I was not prepared to see Old Bez. Shaun looks like Shrek now. And Desiree looks the best of everybody, and has lost a great deal of weight since Buzzcocks. Maybe Taskmaster’s been peeling the pounds off of her.

Just shooting the shit with Shaun and Bez is fun, cause at any point they just spew good. Shaun talks about washing Bez up in the bath, and being a postman as a kid.
Daisy: “I would have loved you to be my postman”
Shaun, taking a drink: “…you fookin’ wouldn’t…”

Jamali: “I was a paintball referee…and I got shot in the dick, and left..”
Again, the way he says things, the way he presents information, is just funny

Gotta say, for a round about the strange habits of musicians, Buzzcocks couldn’t have picked a better target than Matt Bellamy. As much as I love Muse, he’s a bit of a weirdo.

Noel actually brings this show back to its roots by making a comment about the Muse video, with a tentacle-legged woman in the bath: “you know why that woman had such a moody face? Cause it’s Shaun’s flat, and there’s plates in there…”

On what Matt Bellamy fears. I kinda love the juxtaposition of B and C. Really long one, that Greg somehow gets through without laughing, and CLAMS.
I also love that Bez and Shaun are just nodding listening to these.

Noel: “to be fair, Stubbygob is a better name than Muse, isn’t it?”
Just like last week, this feels like vintage Noel

Desiree says that clams are “like, Freudian”
Greg: “what, because they look like tiny, tiny vaginas?”
Desiree: “YES.”
Jamali: “THAT CLOSE?”
PFFF
Jamali: “that’s scary, innit, there’s nothing scarier than a closing vagina…”

Noel: “I feel like clams is just a funny word that you put in there, Greg…”
Greg: “…correct.”

Maybe it’s cause I’m a Muse fan, but I knew it was A, and the team knew it was A, cause…i mean, that’s Matt Bellamy for ya. I also really enjoyed that this round’s humor came from the team figuring out the answer rather than extraneous shit that Greg threw in.

Greg calls Justin Bieber: “the worst thing to come out of Canada, fighting stiff competition from Nickelback and the corpses of a thousand baby seals”, which, take out the Nickelback slam and that’s a Mark Lamarr joke.
Daisy: “That’s gonna get cut out, SURELY.”
Noel: “know what…people fuckin hate seals…”
I…love this show.

Bieber’s Indian insistence comes down to these:

Shaun, on Bieber: “he’s a talented kid, you’ve gotta give him that, he’s talented…he might be a twat, but…”
GOD BLESS THIS BOOKING

Greg, on Bieber: “he pissed into a bucket in a New York restaurant”
Desiree, resident New Yorker: “so does everyone…”
[…the hell you looking at me for, I’m from Jersey]
Desiree: “I mean, in New York, you’re lucky it’s piss..”

Bez refers to an event from the Mondays’ time in Barbados, a period which lost Tony Wilson so much money that it’s a wonder the end of 24 Hour Party People wasn’t just him sucking off a welshman for money.
Shaun: “I’m walking along and this big fucking baboon just drops out of the tree right in front of me…now, I HAVE been smoking crack all night…”
Honesty is key, Shaun
Shaun says that he just sort of stayed still and yelled “I’MMA FUCKIN KILL YA YOU C–“, “and the baboon just fucked off…”
Greg, recovering: “I did expect us to go from Justin Bieber to you smoking crack and chasing off a baboon…”

This show in a nutshell
Greg: “we have to UNFORTUNATELY get back to Justin Bieber”
Noel: “FUCK Justin Bieber…”

Bez says it might be C.
Daisy: “what you thinking, Shaun?”
Shaun: “erm….not much, uh.”
GIVE THE BOOKING PEOPLE A FUCKING RAISE RIGHT THIS INSTANT

Bez changes his answer to B, as Shaun and Daisy think that’s where it is
Shaun: “hey, don’t follow me, I’m always fucking wrong…”
SOMEHOW B IS THE RIGHT ANSWER, THOUGH.

Greg: “Chef Jean-Georges said it was a challenge, ‘but in the end my system was simple. For the song Peaches, I used peaches. For the song Baby, I committed an awful atrocity…and on the others, I just piped the name of the song on top of a quiche…”

Bez tells a [barely coherent, edited] story about chatting up Julia Roberts in LA once. “it’s like the fishing stories, it was that big, the one that got a way…you know, life could have been so different, y’knowhatImean?”
Can you imagine the alternate universe where Julia Roberts bangs Bez instead of Lyle Lovett??

For a change, ID Parade comes before Intros, and the task is for Shaun to pick out Bez’s silhouetted dancing from 4 marks. In concept, I reckon this could have been interesting, ooh, can Bez blend in, what if Shaun’s too drowsy to find the right one?
I like Bez, in walking over to the partition, saying to Shaun: “GET IT RIGHT OR IT’S OVER!”

THEN, ONCE THE CLIP ENDS:

YEAH, WHICH ONE OF THESE IS NOTED ADD-DANCING BOY BEZ?
Greg: “BEZZES STAND STILL. ALL BEZZES STAND STILL.”

Bez just sort of looks around, confused.
Daisy, in mid laughs: “BUT WE BLOODY KNOW WHICH ONE!”
Desiree: “I can’t…”

Greg: “D’YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING LONG THIS TOOK TO SET UP???”
Bez: [keeps moving]
Greg: “WE HAD TO BUILD THAT FUCKING FRAMEWORK…there’s not a FUCKING PERSON IN THIS ROOM WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHO BEZ IS.”
[Terry Hall, somewhere: “it’s #5.”]

Greg, in mid laugh/frustration: “Right, we’re gonna shuffle the Bezzes.”
AND GET SOME ADD MEDICATION IN #3!

Daisy: “It’s like being a parent and watching their kid at a nativity, and they’re being a really shit donkey…”

Greg has some funny intros, but my favorite was “#5, Joe Biden, the Bezident of the United States.”
Don’t look at me, I voted for Rowetta.

Watching all 5 Bezzes dance is very funny knowing that A.) it’s #1, and B.) Bez is trying desperately hard NOT to be obvious, despite clearly being #1.

Then, even funnier, as Shaun guesses correctly, Bez pulls a Wee Willie Harris and misses his cue to pop out, looking around curiously.
Greg: “…or not, you don’t have to…”
Shaun: “BEZ, COME OUT.”
Bez:

Good lord, man…

Turns out, that ID Parade was for Daisy’s team’s benefit. We don’t get one for Noel’s team. …Alright then.

Greg: “As Jack Kerouac once said ‘The only truth is music”, to which his friend replied, “yes, Jack, I asked you a question, did you shit behind those bins…”
You can just feel Greg struggling to keep from laughing here.

So, Noel and Jamali’s intro for Dancing in the Dark has the right idea, but Jamali comes in awkwardly with the drums and messes Noel up. It’s a clear melody, but it’s messy.
Greg: “I shouldn’t need to interfere, but just as a little bit of advice, totally ignore Jamali…”
Of course, Desiree gets it spot on, and you could tell Daisy knew it too.

For the second one, Jamali comes in at the same spot in the song, with a very similar drumbeat. He just looks at Desiree and goes “I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF RANGE” before continuing. I never would have thought he’d be so perfect for this show, especially considering how bad at intros he is.
I also love this cutaway to Desiree:

Same energy:Greg, to a very confused Desiree: “DAAAANCING INNNN THE DARK…”

Noel does a version of this, cause it’s creeping Desiree out, where he doesn’t move his lips, then jokingly looks around as if he’s not doing it. I’m so glad he came to this version in a good mood.
Noel: “…because I do that at bus stops to scare old ladies…”

It ends up being ‘Funky Friday’ by Dave, which you literally could have made up and I wouldn’t have gotten. Maybe I don’t listen to a ton of UK pop, let alone pop, but I’d never heard that in my life.

Daisy, as Shaun readies himself for her and Bez’s intros: “this is gonna be a car crash, just to warn you”
Jamali: “I’m looking forward to this so much…”

Bez does his first one WITH maracas, and it’s as bad as you might think:

They have to start it again and it still doesn’t make sense. Greg’s going “what the FUCK is this?”

Shaun, thinking it’s one of his own songs: “…Loose Fit?”
Bez, pointing with both fingers: “NEARLY!”
Greg: “….WHICH IS A PRETTY SWEET CLUE FOR NOEL’S TEAM….”

Bez literally tries motioning it to Shaun, NOT COVERTLY. Bez has gone from just…flashing Jeff Green the card to now playing charades.

As they play in ‘Kinky Afro’, which the intro sounded nothing like, you can hear Shaun smirkingly go ‘NOW I get it…”

Somehow, though, Shaun gets their second intro, Moving Too Fast, pretty spot on. I got a laugh out of Shaun saying to Bez “no, I got it off YOU going ‘NEHH…NUH NEH NEH NEH NEHHH…”

Greg has a very funny prompter joke about John Erskine, involving a small toy piano that he tries pounding out and FORGETS TO SWITCH ON.

Greg: “The next round is called Kill Your Television, which is the only Ned’s Atomic Dustbin reference you’ll see on television this year.”
why do I feel like someone was just talking about them, though…

Noel’s team has to figure out which of these things is true about Bez’s appearance on Bargain Hunters:

Greg has to stop after reading C in his head. He tries getting through it three times and simply cannot. Not as dysfunctional as ‘choco choco chomp chomp, but close.

As they deliberate, Noel challenges Greg to say C again, a lot like last week.
Greg: “I can do it, then”
Noel: “How much d’you want to put on it?”

Noel bets 100 dollars, Daisy bets a grand, all that Greg can’t get through without laughing. This is…high stakes.
Greg, to the prompter man: “let’s fucking party.”

Noel, as Greg gets ready: “don’t think about the imagery as you’re reading it…”
I love that line

So Greg rereads the first two, can’t get through either without laughing but makes it clear to Daisy that the condition was C…and then gets to it.
Greg: “or…he had to be spoken to, by OH FUCKIN…”
Daisy: “YEEEEEAAAHHHH!”

Greg, exhausted: “what’s the answer?”
Noel: “we don’t care! We’re just saying C because we just want you to say C!”
Greg: “so what d’you think the answer is?”
Noel, denying a refilm: “C. WHAT WAS C, CAN YOU REMIND ME AGAIN?”
This is diabolical

Greg mentions Boy George’s appearance on the A-Team, which “we’re not allowed to show for copyright reasons”. YOU COULD SHOW IT BACK IN SERIES 11 OR WHATEVER. Come on, times have changed that much?

Detailing the choices for the musician trying to act on Heartbeat, Greg describes Cliff Richard as “mysterious Christian”, which cracks Daisy up.

Shaun: “I wish I was at school during the 90s, cause I’d be 30 years fookin’ younger.”
Dude is lawfully funny just cause he can be.

Shaun, quite impressively, remembers that it was Gary Barlow, cause he used to watch a ton of soaps. Of course he did.

The actual clip of Gary Barlow obviously being Gary Barlow in Heartbeat [“go away Mickey” “AH THINK I WILL BE. FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS.”] is insanely funny.

Greg: “Barlow called the appearance “the worst thing I’ve ever done”…..was it, Gary?”
[REPEATED CUTS TO CLIPS FROM A TAKE THAT VIDEO INVOLVING SMEARED SHAVING CREAM, JELLO ON HIS CHEST, AND FARTING IN SOMEONE’S FACE]
…well done everyone involved

Next Lines: “one to the eyeball, one to the nose”
Noel: “One to Wonnacott’s trousers!”
Greg laughs mockingly at that one

I will say, Desiree’s knowledge of 90s/00s pop music gives Noel’s team a huge edge in this round.
Greg: “Noel’s team, you got 4 right”
Noel: “I THINK YOU’LL FIND IT WASN’T US TWO…”

So…Shaun rolls off lyrics to some Black Grape songs, and also to Step On. Meanwhile, Daisy confuses Adele with Lionel Richie and thinks the Freakout next line is ‘Le Chic…ce Freak.” WHICH ONE OF THESE PEOPLE TOOK LOADS OF DRUGS FOR TWO DECADES???

The show ends in a tie because…peak chaos yields those sometimes.

Overall: When I saw this booking, I hoped it’d yield one of the strongest shows of the season, and it so did. I think I liked this one better than E3. While last week’s was a mess in all the worst ways, this week’s show was a well-refined mess, with Bez and Shaun having a great lawful time while also having fun with their own awkwardness. Noel’s entire panel felt strong and worthy of the originals, with Desiree coming off like a Sara Pascoe or Jo Brand in how much she knew in addition to how funny she was. And while the lack of an ID Parade for Noel is sad, the entirety of the ID Parade failure with Bez was worth it in the best ways. Pretty much every round works, the Greg laughter mishap was funnier than last time because it happened in a better show, and Bez may have been more coherent than his last two appearances combined. I really enjoyed this one, and wish they could all be this good.

Best Regular: Noel, once again, was on fire.
Best Guest: Shaun had the best sound bites and leaned into the show’s strengths while also still being himself
Best Runner: Wonnacott’s trousers

COMING UP NEXT: Apparently IT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAAAS, as the Xmas show is the penultimate of the season, rather than the last one. Ah well, we reunite with an old friend and feature a very impressive 80s booking.