QI Watchdown: The Complete Guide

The first of the watchdowns I’ve attempted, and the one that’s taken the longest, thanks to this show being on the air. The writeups varied from observational to just writing out the best lines. This one’s still in progress, so new additions will be added as I knock them out.

Series A:
A1: Adam, or New Balls Please
AI: Astronomy, or Blue Cruithne of Kentucky
A3: Aquatic Animals, or LUSH, ALAN!
A4: Atoms, or Terrifyingly Large Moorhen
A5: Advertising, or Radish is a Meat!
A6: Antidotes, or Kentucky Fried Jackass
A7: Arthropods, or Because the Jungle is Massive
A8: Albania, or I Want You to go and Stand in That Corner
A9: Africa, or Wristy the Snake, Ladies and Gentlemen..
A10: Aviation/Alan, or I Don’t Even Know Who Invented the Plane
A11: Arts, or Funny Thing is, I’M A VEGETARIAN! AAAHAHAHAHA!
A12: Advent, or NONE OF THEM. BAAAAHHH.

Series B:
B1: Blue, or THE PEENK POLENTA, I LOOVE EET
B2: Birds, or Left Cock In, Right Cock Out…
B3: Bombs, or I’m Gonna Play this F–king Harp Over Here..
B4: Bible, or AND HE’S HERE TONIGHT!
B5: Bears, or What, Gay Elf Romp???
B6: Beavers, or So Then Why Do I Go Out Killing?
B7: Biscuits, or I Thought we were Done with Diarrhea
B8: Bees, or Also, Give us a Quick Handjob
B9: Bats, or WELL HEL-LO! DING DONG!
B10: Bills, or It’s a Volcano! We’re Fin-eeshed!
B11: Beats, or FREE MYRA HINDLEY! COME ON!
B12: Birth, or OH, FRY. YOU IDIOT.

Series C:
C1: Campanology, or BUT NOT THE CAMELS CAUSE THEY WERE FILTHY HURRAH. HURRAH.
C2: Cummingtonite, or This is the Only Question I’m Gonna Get Right!
C3: Common Knowledge, or There’s a Portal to the Underworld Underneath Here
C4: Cheating, or I LIKE STEPHEN.
C5: Cat’s Eyes, or Was There Someone in him at the Time?
C6: Cockneys, or I’ll Use This Coelacanth to rub my Back…
C7: Constellations, or Y’ever try one of my turds?
C8: Corby, or He’ll Give it Away by Swearing in Latin
C9: Creatures, or CUTTLEFISH!
C10: Cleve Crudgington, or SQUIRREL SHIT!
C11: Carnival, or Stephen Fry Sings Simply Red is Not Available in the Shops. BAAH.
C12: Combustion, or Peter…I HAVE SEEN YOU BUYING VEGETABLES.

Series D:
D1: Danger, or Hopscotch in Afghanistan?
D2: Discoveries, or NOT ONE OF THOSE DAMN KANGAROOS HAS FAAHTED!
D3: Dogs, or You’d Need a Stepladder or a Ditch
D4: Dictionaries, or FRY, YOU OAF, THOSE ARE FISHNETS!
D5: Death, or TRUMPET OF DEATH!
D6: Drinks, or The Man Who Turned an Eastern Religion Into a Hat
D7: Differences, or Talk About Randy Ghandi…
D8: Descendants, or IT’S A PARADOXICAL FROG, KEN!
D9: Doves, or Then Turn it Into an Apron
D10: Divination, or I WANT DONKEY CHEESE!
D11: Denial and Deprivation, or In a Crab Louse House
D12: Domesticity, or SO, BRAINIAC, WHAT CAN WE CLEAN WITH THAT?
D13: December, or SHIT HARD, FRY! SHIT HARD!

Series E:
E1: Engineering, or YOU’RE PUTTING WALES ON THE MAP, ROBERT!
E2: Electricity, or HALLO UND WELCOME TO ZE BAAAFTAS
E3: Eating, or A Second Ass!
E4: Exploration, or The Dalai Farmer
E5: Europe, or All the Jesuses Taste of Breakfast
E6: Everything, Etc., or SMASHED BADGERS??
E6: Espionage, or My Name is Cumming
E8: Eyes & Ears, or All These Whores of the Sea Can Be Yours
E9: Entertainment, or The Audience Has Gone Into a Coma
E10: England, or I’ve Only Been Out for Twenty Seconds
E11: Endings, or Lord of the Undone Flies
E12: Empire, or I’ve Just Been Noticing Your Bottom, And I’ve Done Some Sums

Series F:
FI: Families, or Forget Civilization!
F2: Fire & Freezing, or I’m Having a Fit, The Tablet is In My Pocket
F3: Flotsam & Jetsam, or What You Need is Length and Thickness
F4: Fight or Flight, or F–K THE PIGEONS, STEPHEN! AM I GAY?
F5: France, or Listen to Sweary Bob!
F6: Fakes & Frauds, or JAAAAAAAM
F7: Fingers & Fumbs, or JUST DO A STONE!
F8: Fashion, or SIKHISM DOES NOT RHYME WITH MONTH!!!!
F9: The Future, or That Explains Why My Wife Married Me
F10: Flora & Fauna, or Suicide Toads!
F11: Films & Fame, or Are You Gonna Be Like This All Night?
F12: Food, or Finally This Show Goes Back to its Heterosexual Roots

Series G:
G1: Gardens, or PHWOAR!
G2: G-Animals, or As We Watch The LOOP OF SHAME
G3: Games, or GHOST-BOXING!
G4: Geography, or …NOT the Blue Whale?
G5: Groovy, or BRING ME ANOTHER WIFE!!!
G6: Genius, or RODNEY BEWES!
G7: Girls & Boys, or No, it’s Pronounced DAME Beaver
G8: Germany, or DON’T MENTION THE WAR
G9: Gallimaufry, or VHERE IS YOUR LICENSE??
G10: Greats, or SHUT UP WITH YOUR LATIN! EAT THEM!
G11: Gifts, or Slavery by the Backdoor
G12: Gravity, or Twelve Stone, Four Ounces
G13: Gothic, or Mel Looks Nothing Like Herself
G14: Greeks, or Let’s Do The Show Here!
G15: Green, or I Am Stealing Ze Oceans, Mr. Bond
G16: Geometry, or BECAUSE IT IS!

Series H:
H1: Hodge-Podge, or IT’S A SORT OF CIRCULAR TRIANGLE
H2: H-Anatomy, or I Don’t Want to be Your Biscuit!
H3: Hoaxes, or ‘Jesus’ isn’t really a Rank…
H4: Humans, or And the Guy Said ‘The Arabs’
H5: H-Animals, or I’ll Come at ya Like a Nun
H6: Happiness, or Day Sixty: EUUURRGHHH
H7: Horrible, or You’re Gonna Have ta Drink the Toe!
H8: Hypothetical, or The Answer is NOT to Poo on the Scale
H9: House & Home, or We Haven’t Had the Brick One Come Yet
H10: Health & Safety, or She Was Revived…BY SMOKE
H11: Highs & Lows, or If Only I Hadn’t Called Stephen Fry a Spunk-Bubble
H12: Horses & Hunting, or We’re Always Out of Popsicles!
H13: Holidays, or PRESS THE THING! GO BACK IN TIME!
H14: Hocus Pocus, or CEILING!
H15: Hypnosis, Hallucinations & Hysteria, or NOT THERE. MIRAGE.
H16: History, or GET READY FOR SCHOOL! BUHBUHBUHBUH!

Series I:
I1: I-Spy, or Lot Smaller Than a Submarine
I2: International, or Do What Ya Like, Wing Commander..
I3: Imbroglio, or May Contain Nuts
I4: Indecision, or IT’S TRUE, GIRLFRIEND!
I5: Invertebrates, or I Tried a Scorpion, I Tried an Ant
I6: Inventive, or You’ve Had a Stroke, Dear
I7: Incomprehensible, or When You Say ‘Tossing Ewoks into a Lake of Farts…’
I8: Inequality, or How About Some Marrowing?
I9: Illness, or MICHAEL WINNER.
I10: Inland Revenue, or Thought Crime for Alan Davies
I11: Infantile, or Laugh and Lie Down
I12: Illumination, or I’m Gonna Shoot Weddings
I13: Intelligence, or MARGARET, GET THE CORNFLOUR!
I14: Ice, or SEEEEEANNNN’S ALIIIIVE!
I15: Immortal Bard, or OH! FRENCHWOMAN!
I16: Idleness, or Oh SHIT, IT’S CLARKSON!

Series J:
J1: Jargon, or I Came Here to Talk About the Aztecs
J2: Jam, Jelly & Juice, or A Night Out with Tarbuck and Perkins
J3: Journeys, or This is a Whole New Tactic He’s Doing
J4: Jack & Jill, or LOGS WILL FALL
J5: J-Places, or I Am So Out of My Comfort Zone
J6: Joints, or My Sphincter Just Tightened
J7: Journalism, or WE’VE FOUND THE LINE!
J8: Jumble, or What Have You Done with Stephen Fry
J9: Jeopardy, or PUT THE F–KING SAFETY GOGGLES ON
J10: Jungles, or I’m Not Talking to You Anymore
J11: Jumpers, or I See a Theme is Emerging
J12: Justice, or Not With a Penis That Size
J13: Jobs, or Old Jeremiah Software
J14: Jingle Bells, or More Lacquer, Little Boy?
J15: Jolly, or Aaaah, Testicles.
J16: Just the Job, or Wantonly Jettisoning Nervous Substance

Series K:
K1: Knees & Knockers, or Murray Can’t Help Me Now…