Nevermind Watchdown: S25E07, or “We Think it’s Number Thr-AAAIIIIIGHHH!

Every once in a while, Buzzcocks will give me rock’n’roll chills.

Doesn’t happen often, but the occasional appearance of a rock LEGEND on the show, like Lemmy Kilmister, Slash, Meat Loaf or Jimmy Cliff, does give me the rock goosebumps. And tonight, we get the crowning achievement, a rock panelist that was so awesome that he got to host the show. And that…is Alice Goddamned Cooper.

Alice gets to host a nice enough show, especially considering that Noel gets an extraordinary tight panel of Olly Murs and Rufus Hound. Also on the panel are Penny Smith, a TV presenter who last appeared in the Amy Winehouse meltdown episode (“Penny, this is not my penis, it’s only a friendly mouse…), and  rapper Wretch 32.

In quite possibly one of the greatest guest host intros in NMTB history, Alice gets on the intercom, and says “hello, my name is Alice Cooper, and welcome…to my nightmare.” Then, with a puff of black smoke and a flicker of the lights, he appears, and…it’s absolutely awesome. He just lives this. The crowd eats it up, too.
Of course, immediately afterward, the character drops, and he bashfully says “awright, siddown…”

Alice, in the ‘year of’ question, does confirm that he broke 6 ribs in a stage-dive.
Penny: “Was that the first-ever leap into the audience that anyone ever did?”
Phill: “The first stage dive, and the audience just didn’t know what you did…’WHAT’S HE DOING???”
Alice: “I bled all over everybody, it was great.”
Phill: “And normally, a rock star is spilling different fluids at a gig…”
Alice: “Yeah, I like to keep my blood…[to the camera]…and yours.”

Someone brings up Lorraine Kelly:
Phill: “Does she ask about me?”
Penny: “Every single time I see her…”
Phill: “I still think of her every time I wax my legs…”
Wretch, confused: “You wax your legs?”
Phill: “Awwwww yeah…I just looked ’round at a grime artist and went ‘aawwww yeah.'”
Noel: “You got your legs waxed ON THIS SHOW…”
Phill: “Let’s try that again.”
Wretch: “You wax your legs?”
Phill: “True dat.”

Noel: “What I love about this ABBA picture is that is looks like they’ve been shipwrecked, and they’re going “THERE’S A HELICOPTER, HELP UUUSSS!!!”

Penny talks about accidentally backing into David Bowie at a party.
Noel: “Were you in a car? Were you doing your driving test?”

Noel: “Was he in his Labyrinth outfit?”
Alice: “Yeah, that was a good look…”
Phill: “It’d be great if you backed into him and he said “you’ll never find your little bay-bayyy…”

Penny: “I actually spoke to Dustin Hoffman as well- well, actually I backed into him-”
Noel: “Do you walk backwards?”

On why Bowie broke into a mental ward
Wretch: “Maybe he forgot his key?”
There’s a 5 second shot of Wretch looking around, wondering why people are laughing.

Rufus: “What happened to Mika?”
Noel: “He’s in my basement, tied to a radiator…He can have food, but he’s making no music ever again…”

Rufus is going off about Avril Lavigne.
Rufus: “I once went past Hammersmith apollo, and there was a queue outside, and I said ‘I wonder who’s on’, and it was Avril Lavigne. I just thought ‘if everyone in there died, then no one would cry.”
Wretch: “…I was in that queue…”

Olly, towards Rufus: “What, d’you think 2007, maybe?”
Noel: “DON’T ASK HIM, HE’S INSANE!”

Alice: “How did the police upset my friend Ozzy Osbourne in 2007”
Rufus: “Did they insist on a rectal examination?”
Alice: “No, that would have been okay with him, I think…”
Phill: “I can see him now…he’s that absent-minded. ‘SHARROOOOON…’S THAT YOOOU?”

Alice: “This probably should have happened to Sting…”
Rufus: “They give him the electric chair?”

This week, thanks to Alice’s presence, the Intros are rock-themed. One of the few guest-host-based changes that I’m perfectly fine with.

The Elvis story that Alice tells, about going to Elvis’ place in an elevator with Liza Minnelli, Chubby Checker and Linda Lovelace, is a classic- I’d actually heard it before on 60 minutes or something. But it’s still fantastic, and I’m not gonna reprint it here but it’s a killer story.

Noel: “I’m still reeling over the fact that you were there with Liza Minnelli. He must have thought you were sisters…”
Alice: “Now, only 3 of us came down that night, so I have no idea what he was doing with Chubby Checker all night…”

Noel’s 2nd Intro is, well, Poison by Alice Cooper, which Alice helps Rufus get by saying “the lead singer’s really sexy…”

Excerpt from Penny trying to guess Phill’s 1st intro
Penny: “Down…down, Status Quo?”
Phill: “It’s not words…”
Penny: “Kylie Minogue?”
Phill: “ROCK THEMED ROUND…”

The G’NR intro leads to a discussion about Slash:
Phill: “He once came on the show, and we were pestering him to tell anecdotes about Guns ‘N Roses, and I went ‘come on, you must have had some amazing gigs, and he went ‘one time we played in London, and uh…my hat melted…”

Alice: “Slash, though, was not the first to wear a top hat…”
Phill: “…ABRAHAM LINCOLN!”

Penny: “Is this one rock-themed”
Phill: [facepalm]
Wretch: “easy…”

Phill even says “tell you what, we’ll even do the first vocal bit.”
Of course, the intro’s School’s Out for Summer, so they just motion to Alice once they finish the intro…and nothing happens.
Penny: “…I thought you said you were gonna do the vocal bit…”
Phill: “…yeah, well I had the FUCKING SINGER HERE, i thought he might do it…”

Alice just hums the tune…along with MOST OF THE PANEL.
Noel: “You MUST KNOW IT…if you don’t know this, you have to leave…”
Penny: “It’s Alice Cooper!”
Noel: “YES!”
Penny: “…I don’t know what it’s called…”
Everyone: [facepalm]

Noel: “IT’S SCHOOL’S OUT!”
Penny: “SCHOOL’S OUT! And I know that one!”
Phill: “APPARENTLY YOU DOOOON’T!”

Another member of Napalm Death is on the ID Parade, although a different clip is shown, instead of the usual one [“RRRRRR!! RRRRRRR!!!”]

Phill: “I’m gonna get #4 to explain the plot of LOST to me…”

Rufus: “I have to say…I don’t think I’m ever gonna sleep again…If we don’t finish this up quickly, #3’s gonna die…”

Noel: “So maybe it’s something kind of bigger, but #50”
Rufus: “We’re talking Alice Motherfucking Cooper here. He’s not gonna come out with a corn snake!”

Olly manages to frighten Noel with something he thinks is a snake
Noel: “We think it’s Number thr-AAAIIIGHH!”
Olly: “Just giving you your feather back!”
Noel: “I thought you produced a snake out of your denim jacket!”
[Phill is absolutely crying]
Noel: “Sorry, I am on mushrooms…”
Rufus: “Good to know that, when flustered, Noel becomes a Victorian lady…”

Instead of a sendoff line for the ID Parade guest, as it’s his snake and it’s a bunch of lookalikes, Alice just said “now guest-hosting BBC pop quizzes, Alice Cooper, ladies and gentlemen…”

The Next Lines swap-out round is a ‘guess the name of the album’ round, which…sort of works, I guess.

Noel: “I Seem To Be Inside My Own Drink…”

Noel: “HUBBA BUBBA TIT-STRETCH!”

Phill: “It’s Bacon Week with the Hairy Bikers.”
Wretch: “I’m a Pig, Get Me Out of Here!”

Oh, Aphex Twin…

Wretch: “I’ve Got Something On My Chest”

Trying to name Alice’s new album
Alice: “I’ve already named an album this title.”
Phill: “Alice Cooper’s Greatest Hits II”
Alice: “Think scarier.”
Phill, spookier voice: “…ALICE COOPER’S GREATEST HITS TWOOOO…”
Paul Merton’s gonna sue his ass…

Overall: Another really nice show, courtesy of a pretty-sharp panel and an exceptionally game Alice Cooper. Rufus had the best lines, but Wretch was an unlikely soundbite machine, and Penny had some great moments. Alice was spinning stories, keeping the game moving, and basking in his rock persona. It was just a really fun show, with only a few nitpicks along the way.

Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Pretty close to perfect.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Rufus
Best Runner: Alice Cooper…existing, I guess…

Nevermind Watchdown: S14E2, or HE’S ALICE COOPER! HE *KNOWS!*

Every once and a while, NMTB will book a guest that’s so huge, and out of the show’s league, that I’ll just watch in awe, thinking “how the hell did they get them”. Slash was like that. Lemmy was like that. Jimmy Cliff was like that.

Tonight, Alice Cooper is in the building. Yes. THE Alice Cooper. Prince of Darkness. Star of Wayne’s World. I’m already freaking out.

Good news is Tony Hadley, lead singer of Spandau Ballet, is also here, and he gave a very fun showing last time he was on, so I’m optimistic. Katie Melua is a jazz singer/songwriter. Jane Moore’s on Loose Women.

The whole beginning starts out as a joke about Stephen Hawking “shagging his nurse”, but it just turns into everyone doing Hawking impressions saying random song titles.
Phill: “NOWADAYS…EVERYBODY WANT TO TALK…”
Mark: “STOP…HAMMER TIME.”

Alice talks about a riot in Toronto that made him have an asthma attack.
Alice: “People were wearing buttons saying ‘Alice, you’re a riot’, ‘I survived the Alice riot'”
Mark: “To have a riot named after you, how fantastic is that…”
Alice: “That’s how you know you’ve arrived.”
Phill: “That’s such a breathing image, “WELL THEY GOT NO NOISE” [Asthma Inhaler]”

Alice: “Although there is a band in Denmark that ate their lead singer. Just killed him and ate him. That’s going pretty severe…”
Phill: “Whoever heard of ‘Musical Differences’…”
Mark: “It’s very hard to tell someone they’re fired…”
Alice: “How do you get the NEXT lead singer? That’s what I wanna know. Do they put an ad in the paper going ‘lead singer wanted; we ate the last one.'”
Bill: “‘No time wasters, no cannibals’…”
Mark: “That’s what Bill’s family did to Sean Hughes.”

The phone on Mark’s desk goes off twice during the round.
Katie: “There it goes again…it could be someone’s mobile backstage.”
Mark: “Or it could be this SOUND EFFECT BUTTON I have under here…THE MAGIC OF TV!”

Mark, after announcing the real answer, that the Darkness cancelled a gig after the lead singer cut his finger. This is a huge diatribe here:
“Yeah, it must be really difficult, playing with a cut finger. Last week I was at a charity gig with Tony Hadley. Stinky flu…STILL did the raffle. Def Leppard’s drummer LOST HIS ARM…CARRIED ON GIGGING. Curtis Mayfield, I kid you not, was in a coma…STILL MADE ANOTHER ALBUM. Otis Redding crashed into the dark, bleak, unforgiving waters of Lake Minona, and after he drowned…he did a gig…he did three encores, and he gave every member of his band a foot massage. Shane Ritchie has NO TALENT WHATSOEVER. HE CAN’T SING, HE CAN’T ACT, HE CAN’T TELL JOKES. HAS IT STOPPED HIM? HAS IT *BUGGERY*! [dramatic pause] STING…IS *SHIT!* A cut finger? Yeah, YOU’RE rock…so-called Darkness! [another pause] Sorry, I meant to say…two points!”
And with that, he cracks up and collapses onto the desk. This is just the first round.

Katie, in the 1st intro, does some melodic piano, then basically says “piano” in the middle. Mark has to stop all of this to yell at her.
Mark: “EITHER HE GUESSES IT FROM [Piano Motion]…”
Katie: “I have to give him some clues…”
Mark: “HE’S ALICE COOPER! HE *KNOWS*!”

Next intro, Katie mimes holding a guitar.
Mark: “hold on…WHAT COULD THIS BE? Could be a guitar, could be a bass.”
Phill: “She’s holding Alice’s snake.”
Mark: “That’s an image I don’t wanna pursue…”

Alice guesses the intro five seconds in, so Mark has them do it again so they can actually hear the intro.
Mark: “Alice, you ever done any acting, in films?”
Alice: “Yeah, I have.”
Mark: “Well, let’s see it put to the test.”
They do the intro again, and Alice is more thoughtful, does a chin-stroking thing. Then, after they finish, Alice goes “wow”, and before he can answer, Mark goes “I’ll have to pass it over then…”

Mark’s phone rings again. This time he answers it, and says to Alice “It’s the casting director at EastEnders. They’ve given you a part.”

Mark: “Patsy Cline recorded “I Fall to Pieces” right before she died in a plane crash. But before you read too much into that, Tony Hadley recorded “Gold” right before he went bankrupt.”
Tony tells Mark to fuck off, playfully.

Tony: “Shall I do the drums?”
Bill: “You do the drums. I’ll provide some eye-candy.”
He just starts posing joyfully all of the sudden.
Mark, phone ringing: “It’s the black lagoon. They’re wondering when you’re getting home.”

Mark, in introing the ID Parade for Counting Sheep, Mark realizes he doesn’t know how to pronounce the guy’s last name, and “I was about to ask. And that would really give the game away, wouldn’t it? So for now, I’ll say Sam…Kesterman, but I’ll find out in a minute. And that might have given you a clue by one of ’em going “that’s not my name!”

Mark knows it’s #4, because he keeps cracking up, but Jane keeps insisting he’s too young, and that it’s really #1. Sure enough, when #4 is revealed, Jane asks “How old are you, then?”
Mark: “HANG ON, HANG ON. “How old are you?” Do you think you’re gonna convince him he wasn’t in the band?”
Jane: “He looks about 17.”
Mark: “Alright, then it wasn’t him. Apparently you weren’t in the band…the piper that never lies has just told you you’re younger than you thought you were…”

Oh, no. Oh, nononononono. For “I’m a Man not a Boy” ID Parade, not only is Athelston there as #5, but the Pirate guy from last episode is #3. So already I’m dying.
#3 is introed as “I’m about to singe the King of Spain’s beard.”
#5, Athelston, is “I’m hoping to shake this coma off this year…”

Katie: “Well, it can’t be 3 and 5.”
Phill: “WELL WORKED OUT YOUNG LADY!!!”

Alice: “#4 seems to have melancholy syndrome. He looks so depressed.”
Mark: “Yeah, because #5 looks so joyful by comparison…”

Next Lines: “His son is working for the daily mail.”
Tony: “Oh, bugger…”
Mark: “The beatles would hardly have that for a next line, would they? “His son is working for the daily mail….oh, bugger.”

Overall: Jesus, two fantastic episodes in a row. Series 14 is already a classic one. Man, it helps that everybody was on, but Alice fit in well with the panel, Katie was gonzo enough to be funny, Jane and Tony gave good funny answers, and there were some great runners with Jane not believing the ID Parade was correct, Athelston and the Pirate, Katie pointing out what a piano sounds like, and Alice guessing the intro again. Just a wonderful episode all around.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Alice
Best Runner: Phone calls.