We have four more series of sweet Mark Lamarr goodness, but there’s nothing like a little window into the future. Tonight’s episode features a panel appearance by the one and only Simon Amstell, the man who will eventually host, and rule, this show. Let’s see how he turns out as a panelist.
Aside from Simon, MC Romeo is, what else, another member of So Solid Crew, Gary Wilmot is a stage actor and TV personality, and Kym Marsh was a member of Hear’Say, sadly.
Mark, introing Simon: “During his brief career, Simon has called Rosie Rivens thick, insulted all of Girls Aloud, and made Britney Spears storm off in tears….HE’S STEALING MY ACT! You touch Moyles, Sweeney and Kielty, and I’m calling my lawyers!”
Well, give him 3 more years, and he’ll be stealing your show too…
Simon’s first ever NMTB line, on whether or not Primal Scream has an electrocution incident with a minibar: “The thing about getting electrocuted by a minibar, is that’s rather expensive. It’s not really worth it.”
Mark: “Also, you’d have to pay for the melted Toblerone as well.”
Phill: “#3 was that Luton Airport wasn’t rock’n’roll enough.”
Simon: “I would say that Luton Airport is pretty rock’n’roll. I believe I once saw Michael Hutchence there. In the tie-rack, I believe.”
And THAT is how he got the job.
Mark: “Nice to see you’re taking notes, Bill.”
Bill: “I just like to be apposite of the fact.”
Mark: “No you don’t. You’d like to say ‘cheese and weasels’ and go “UOUOUOUGH!”
Bill: “Or cheesels as I like to call them.”
Mark and Romeo get in a disagreement about his vocabulary.
Romeo: “I thought you was down with bitches and hoes and all that…”
Mark: “Oh, no, I understand the phrases ‘bitches and hoes’. Disrespectful terms for ladies.”
Bill: “I thought he said DITCHES and hoes. Sort of like a landscape gardening thing. ‘I’M DOWN WITH MY DITCHES, AND MY HOES!”
As Scott Walker passes by a sculpted ass.
Romeo: “Now what did he do in that space of time, that’s what I wanna know.”
Gary: “Well, his fringe is straighter than it was before he went ’round the back there…”
Mark: “You think the bloke’s got a pair of clippers for a cock? Is that what you’re saying?”
Gary: “MAYBE!”
Bill: “This was Noel Coward’s Christmas cards, wasn’t it? ‘HERE’S SINKING OF YOUU!”
Mark: “Yeah, cause he was famously German…”
Bill: “Did I go German there?”
Mark: “Yeah, you went very German. He does ‘MAD DOGS & ENGLISHMEN’, and everyone knows that’s how he sounded, and you were doing “ACHTUNG! MERRY CHVISTMAS FROM CHERYL TVEEDY!!”
Bill: “GIRLS…ALOUD!”
Phill: “On top of the pops with the glove and everything…”
Mark: “At the height of his fame, Walker’s fan club had more members than The Beatles…five.”
Simon, struggling to guess: “Chaka Khan, I’m every woman.”
Mark: “It wasn’t that, and you knew it wasn’t that you silly boy…”
Simon: “…sorry dad…”
Simon, on the Shamrock ID Parade: “They look a bit like Girls Aloud. Is this your community service?”
Mark: “I think this is Girls No Longer Allowed.”
Simon: “#4 looks like a young Geri Halliwell. She looks like somebody told her the secret to eternal youth…but lied.”
Mark: “Oooh, and we thought [Romeo]’d be putting the smack down!”
Oh…I do believe…for the first time since the Sean Hughes era…ATHELSTON WILLIAMS IS IN THE HOUSE!!!!
Bill: “i just saw us in the playback camera. I feel like an unwanted hitchhiker in a father-and-son outing.”
They pull back, and with Romeo and Gary on both sides…yeah, that’s pretty hysterical.
Romeo: “It’s alright dad…”
Bill: “Yes, uh, shall we put some reggae on, or something?”
Romeo: “I think #4”
Mark: “It’s not #4. #4 is Athelston, who’s been on the show…eight times? He was once in a lineup for the Nolans.”
Gary: “And he was picked, was he?”
Mark: “Yes he was! And they put him in the band afterwards!”
Mark brings on a staring contest between Athelston and Bill, which is as hysterical as it sounds.
Mark, Next Lines: “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry.”
Gary: “If they don’t want to end up in a curry.”
Mark: “EVERYONE BACK TO WILMOT’S FOR A NICE DUCK CURRY!”
Mark: “Anything goes- Was that a Cole Porter?”
Gary: “Anything Goes, yeah.”
Bill: “Anything Goats?”
Mark: “For [Gary], that’s a curry. For Bill, that’s another website.”
Phill’s holding back in his musical next lines.
Mark: “Don’t be scared, it’s just a musical. Bing Crosby’s not gonna do a drive-by on ya.”
Phill, a la Bing Crosby: “BA-BA-BA-BOoOoOoOM!”
Overall: Really nice show, with some of the most consistency in a while. Romeo was rather laid back for a So Solid Crew member, but gave good stuff, as well as Gary, who was having fun. Kym had her fair share of great moments, especially nailing that My Fair Lady line in Next Lines, but tonight’s real winner is Simon Amstell, for not only ruling this panel, but showing he can fit in perfectly with Phill and Bill, and make a wonderful case to succeed Mark in a few seasons.
Best Regular: Bill
Best Guest: Simon
Best Runner: Scratch’n’sniff.
In which Jordan writes about stuff 