QI Watchdown: 12 (Illumination)

A few lasts here, as this is Jack Dee’s last QI appearance, and Rich Hall’s last appearance until much later, which is sad, because we’re gonna lose two of QI’s resident grumps, but on the plus side…we still have Chris Addison for a little while. I know people don’t seem to like him, especially on Mock the Week, but he’s an amazingly funny fellow who’s won several emmys for directing Veep, and even if he’s mostly gonna be playing the defensive tonight, he’ll definitely be a good presence against said grumps.

The buzzers are cool tonight. Jack’s is a lightsaber noise, which he uncharacteristically gets a kick out of, and mimes wielding. Rich’s is a loud clang/thunder clap, which he shrugs off.

The show-long runner involves a set of symbol cards, which the panelists have to decipher. Alan, of course, has the right idea.
Screen Shot 2017-09-28 at 5.05.33 PM.png

Alan: “THAT’s Lady Gaga…”

Also, as Stephen explains the Nobody Knows card, and Chris and Alan hold theirs up, the NOBODY KNOWS sound effect blares in, giving Alan a nice heart attack there.

Stephen’s going on about the invention of lamps and bulbs.
Rich: ‘Well, what did moths do before then?”
Stephen: “I mean…how come moths don’t come out during the day if they’re so fond of the bluddy light…”

Chris: “You know, Edison electrocuted an elephant- this is one of my favorite facts of all time-”
Alan: “I think you know this because you saw it on QI…”
[or Bob’s Burgers…]
Chris: “Yeah, the problem with joining you people so late is that you’ve already covered basically all of human knowledge…”
Alan: “I’m listening to the story going ‘…now this rings a bell…'”

On the people that turned on the lights in Blackpool, including Jayne Mansfield, Michael Ball, and Dale Winton
Rich: “Ohhh, they should have electrocuted him…”

Stephen, going on: “But it cost them 50,000 pounds worth of ele-”
Alan, misreading: “TO GET DALE WINTON??”

Chris: “Pancho Villa actually took his name from his grandfather, which is one of the best names I’ve ever heard-”
Rich: “Aston.”
Chris, getting it: “…Aston Villa? No, it was Jesus. Jesus Villa, which just sounds like the Pope’s summer home…”

Stephen says that Pancho Villa’s war was staged by the American film business. For more information, watch the 2003 HBO film ‘And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself’. No, seriously. It’s got Antonio Banderas in it.

Chris Addison’s tactic, which is a lot more visible now that Dara’s not with him, is very information based, with a ‘this is what I know about the topic’, but not in the Sessions way of being pedantic.

There’s an even better conversation on what Pancho Villa’s last words were, as he was killed while in his car.
Jack: “It may have just been ‘reverse’.
Rich: “or ‘CUT!'”

Rich: “I think the number one rule of war photographers is ‘always run towards the shot when everyone else is running from it’…which, I think, weeds a lot of people out right away…I’m gonna shoot WEDDINGS.”
Dear god, I missed him..

On the ‘transparent coat’ subject, Stephen and Alan bring up the invisible Ford Anglia from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, as well as some Romulan technology. Lots of very geeky moments, especially considering the lightsaber moment with Jack.

AND THEN, Stephen mentions Jim Lovell, and Rich is very quick with ‘oh, the Apollo 13 guy…’. Man, the references are just FLYING today. Add that to just some really cool stuff i’m not writing all of down, and this is a pretty cool one so far.

I’m very disappointed, because Chris brings up that his main subject is the moon, and I was expecting Rich to pipe in and go ‘WHICH MOON ARE WE TALKING ABOUT STEPHEN?’ I mean, we just had one earlier this season, so it could be worse.

Stephen: “Tell me something interesting about the original geishas.”
Jack: “They’re all men.”
Stephen: ‘YES!”
Jack: “…oh god…”

I’ve noticed that this season there’s been at least one instance per episode of introducing a visual, or tactile, aid for the panelists to expand upon a subject with. In talking about the hydro-gel beads, there’s a bowl of water with a bunch of them in front of each pairing, and they’re allowed to explore. This is slowly working toward the weekly prop-segment Stephen will institute next series, but it’s still loose enough to give good moments.

Jack, on the hydro-gel: “Might have a play around with that later…”
Stephen tries to move on, but can’t, as the whole place erupts, as Jack cheekily looks around.
Alan: “Jack’s gonna put his willy in it!”
Jack: “I’ve already put it in that one…”
Alan: “…it’s weird, because when he put it in, you couldn’t see it…”

Stephen: “Why can’t blindfolded people walk in a straight line?”
Alan: “Can’t see where they’re going…..NNNNNEXT QUESTION!”

I love how in the midst of being grumpy and pervy, Jack Dee manages to have a brilliant point about why people can’t walk in a straight line while blindfolded. Again, beneath the character’s exterior is a legitimately smart person.

And now, one of the greatest klaxons in the show’s history. Stephen commands the panel, the viewing audience, and everyone watching, to close their eyes and point to where they think is Northeast.
And then everyone in the room, INCLUDING ME AT HOME, gets a klaxon for going the wrong way.

Stephen: “You were pointing down for some reason.”
Alan: “Nonsense, I was just stretching me leg…”

Stephen: “Closest was Chris, I think.”
Jack, after Chris’ huge day: “You’re not gonna tell me Chris gets points for THAT as well…”

Stephen: “What use, to a pilot, is a Morning Glory?”
Alan, already seeing this the wrong way: ‘AAAH…”
Chris: “Well, when your joystick fails…”

Screen Shot 2017-09-28 at 11.12.11 PM.pngThe audience reacts even more now that THIS is on the behind-screen.
Alan: “I think it’s the co-pilot’s joystick as well…”
Chris: “That’s why they always sound so relaxed! ‘Morning ladies and gentlemen….mmmmmmm….”

Stephen: “What can you tell me about an Indian Granny Cloud?”
Alan: “…is it a fart, in a restaurant…”
Jack: “Or do they go up in the sky and they can’t remember what they went up for?”

Stephen: “Name the largest black body in the solar system.”
Rich: “Oprah Winfrey”
HUGE audience reaction.

Stephen: “How long does light from the center of the sun take to reach the earth?”
Alan: “Now……….I know this….it might not be in the center because that’s a trick, but light from the sun takes 8 minutes.”
Stephen: “…..mmmmmmmm”

Stephen: “How many earths would you be able to fit in the sun?”
Alan: “Four. EASILY,”

Overall: Light and fun, if uneven. The fact of the matter is you had three people playing very separate games, to varying degrees of success. Nobody really came together on anything. I mean, it was a funny show, had some good moments, but the collaborative force (that will likely be very present next show with Phill, David and Jo) was gone. Jack had his best show in his last show, Chris had some great lines, and Rich, in his last show for years, was quieter than he’s even been.

MVP: Jack
Best Guest: Chris
Show Winner: Rich
Best QI Fact: hydro-gel
Best Runner: blindfolded walking in a straight line.


QI Watchdown: I2 (International), or ‘Do What Ya Like, Wing Commander..’

We started with a great one, and now Series I rolls towards a pretty strong lineup- David Mitchell, Bill Bailey and Jack Dee. Three people that are well-suited to take this one pretty seriously. No Lee Macks or Johnny Vegases hiding in the distance, waiting to throw everything off.

The buzzers, as this an international theme, are all flight calls between countries/cities with I names (India to Islamabad). Alan’s is ‘UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA…”

Stephen goes over the Nobody Knows bonus for the new members.
Bill: “What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?”
Stephen: “…I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands the QI scoring system…”
Bill: “So, by that logic, were someone to raise the subject of the scoring system and I were to raise the card…”

After a discussion on the scorekeepers
Alan: “I wonder what the score is NOW?…”
Stephen, checking: “…amazingly, Bill has 3, and everyone else has zero…”
David, amid applause: ‘WHY *THREE?*”

Screen Shot 2017-05-21 at 9.20.31 PM.pngStephen asks what would happen if the pilot and co-pilot were unable to land the plane
David: “I’d stop reading the kindle on the steering wheel…”

There’s a disagreement over what they call the guy on the plane who takes money for duty free. Jack says that he calls himself the Bursa-
Bill: “Yeah, he calls himself that…”
David: “Or is that the PURSA? The BURSA is the one who does the money for public schools.”
Bill: “Yeah, what kind of planes are you flyin’ on? ‘YES, THE BURSA will be coming around, collecting money for the end-of-term Jamboree…”
Stephen: “Here on this charterhouse flight…”
David: “The Bursa with the trolley…and then with the drinks, the groundsman.”

Stephen, bringing up another point: ‘Now, why do I say LuncHES here?”
Bill: “…because there’s more than one.”

Alan, listing a fact: “There are nearly 400,000 people in the air at any given time.”
Stephen, post-applause: “There’s no question that trampolining is a very popular sport…”

Stephen shows an example of the feats of the early auto-pilot:
Screen Shot 2017-05-21 at 9.32.19 PM.pngJack: “…you wouldn’t want to be ball-boy, would you…”

Bill gets a question right, which even he’s surprised by.
David: “Another 4.5 points!”

On the world’s shortest commercial flight:
Jack: “Do they just lift off, throw peanuts at you, then land?”
Stephen: “Even worse is that the return ticket is 39 pounds!”
David: “Why don’t they just build a BRIDGE?”
Bill: “It’s a great flight. They just go over the exits, and go “…well, here we are!”

Stephen talks about how before World War I, the British army was required to all have mustaches. They cut back to him, and all of the sudden:
Screen Shot 2017-05-21 at 9.40.17 PM.pngHe even throws in a ‘BAAAAHHHH’ after it’s subsided.

Bill: “I’m just imagining, Stephen, that that moustache is gonna have its own website by the time this is over…”

Stephen spins a story about the Disney head of PR sending out an email to staffers saying “The Disney Corporation takes strong exception to the use by many employees of the phrase ‘Mauschwitz’ to describe the Disney corporation. If it is used again, anyone who is caught using it will be summarily fired.”
Stephen: “WITHIN A HALF AN HOUR…they were using the phrase ‘Duck-au'”
David: “Perhaps they didn’t see the irony…of people using a fascist term to describe their organization- ‘OH, WELL, WE’LL PUT A STOP TO THIS!”

Stephen shows of a device (like Albert Finney used in Murder on the Orient Express) that guards the moustache while they sleep.
David: “What’s that FOR, though? You say you want to keep your moustache- keep it from WHAT, though?”

Stephen reveals that peeing on a jellyfish to suppress a sting actually doesn’t work…but peeing on a machine gun and a tomato is encouraged.
David: “I’ve never been stung by a tomato before…”

David: “If people would have known about [weeing on] machine guns in the first World War, it would have saved a lot of casualties…”
Stephen: “Well it did, actually. They did use them.”
David: “What, after the first wave in the Psalm, everyone’s firing with their cocks out?”

Jack: “When you said ‘urinate on tomatoes’, I thought you meant, like, instead of salad dressing.”
Jack is the quietest of the panel tonight, but he’s still having some great moments.

David: “I think it comes from our own self-loathing that we find our own excrement more disgusting than other creatures’..”
Bill: “Oy, speak for yourself…”

Stephen: “Now, what is the issue with machine guns?”
Alan: “They kill you, DEAD!”
Stephen, continuing: “Obviously we-”
Stephen, trying to continue: “We have here-”
Alan: “A GUN?? CHRIST!”

Stephen: “The russians actually made a gun with a hole in which to pee…”
Bill: “So you can pee, and shoot…WHILE you’re firing the gun?”

Stephen, moving on: “What was Italy’s biggest export in the year 1953?”
Bill: “…frozen urine.”
Bill: ‘What, URINE? URINE [sets it off]?”
Stephen: “We KNOW you, Bill Bailey!”

Stephen, describing the thing in question: “It had thousands of parts-”

Stephen’s looking for an italian dish. Alan guesses ‘POLENTA’, and says it in a very similar accent to ‘DE PEENK POLENTAAAA, I LOOOOVE IT…”

Stephen: “And Mussolini was joined by…surely you know of the Futurists, the futurist movement-”
Bill: “Not yet.”
Dear god, Bill Bailey’s on FIRE today.

Stephen, continuing a conversation: “If I want to torture my mother…”
He then realize he may not have phrased that correctly.
Bill: “Then…it’s a free country!”
Stephen: “In a RESTAURANT!”
Bill: ‘Do what ya like, Wing Commander!”

Screen Shot 2017-05-21 at 10.12.22 PM.pngStephen’s telling a story about Jesse Owens’ treatment at the 1936 Olympics, how Hitler didn’t congratulate him…and Alan just starts laughing hysterically. Stephen stops the story to wonder what the hell’s the matter.
Alan: “The bloke on the far-right’s just going like that…”
Screen Shot 2017-05-21 at 10.13.41 PM.png
David: “I think…surely they’re ALL on the far right…”
Stephen: Screen Shot 2017-05-21 at 10.15.35 PM

Bill: “They’re all just taking bets on how high’s the high-jumper’s gonna go…”
Alan: “The one on Hitler’s left is going ‘oh, I didn’t get the memo…”

Alan gets the NOBODY KNOWS answer by saying that nobody really knows where the rainwater from a certain part of a creek in Wyoming ends up. He does sort of end up mimicking Stephen as he’s doing the full answer, in this muted, garbled tone in the background, which the audience notices.
Alan, grunted: “…no…nobody knows…”

Stephen: “Name the Largest Pyramid in the World!”
[A picture of the Egyptian pyramids shows up on the behind-screen]
Jack: “…that one, there, in the middle…”
Jack: “…Am I really that predictable?”

David says the pyramid’s an Aztec one, and Stephen says he’ll give 40 points if he gives the full name.
David: “…I don’t know it’s name, but I’ll spit out some consonants…”

Stephen: “There is a word for a pyramid with a flat top…”
Alan: “…unfinished.”
Bill: “And the sign- ‘DUE FOR COMPLETION, EARLY BC, 447…”

Stephen asks for the world’s fattest country, and everyone just starts yelling out wrong answers like Fiji, Vanuatu and Tonga.
Stephen: “I’ll give you a clue, it starts with N…”

Ah, yes.
Stephen: “When was the first World War named as such?”
Bill: “Uhh…the outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.”
Stephen: “You think they called it that straight away?”

David: “It’s gonna be some point after 1939, isn’t it?”
KLAXON: 1939
David: “EXCUSE ME! I *THINK* I SAID…I THINK WHAT I SAID, people in the box, was ‘AAAFTER 1939′, which may CONTAIN 1939, but does not mean it!”
David, still riled: “OKAY… NONONO…’AFTER 1939’ AND ‘AFTER THE SECOND WORLD WAR’ are NOT synonymous. Now…this is just GIVING YOU TIME TO *TYPE*, *AFTER 1939*!”
David: “…Why don’t you just type ‘MITCHELL IS A COCK’.”
Stephen: “…I wouldn’t put it PAST THEM…”

Stephen: “Why were the colonels and chief of the Royal Dragoon and the First King’s Dragoon Guards fail to turn up for duty at the start of the first World War?”
Alan: “They were entwined…in an embrace.”

David, thanks to his many run-ins with the Klaxon, gets -44 tonight, which is hysterical.

Overall: Dare I say even better than I-Spy? Literally every panelist was supremely on tonight. There were no rifts, everyone was collaborating with each other, and the jokes and runners were flying the entire night. The Bursa jokes, the mustache jokes, the pissing machine guns, Goering’s funny salute, Alan’s nobody knows grunting, and the ENTIRE KLAXONING DAVID MITCHELL BIT…all of that in one episode. Fantastic. A standard of excellence on the series, by far.

MVP: Bill
Best Guest: David
Show Winner: Bill
QI Fact of the Day: Piss-Powered Machine Guns.
Best Runner: Goering’s wave.

Nevermind Watchdown: S25E02

What worried me about the first episode of Series 25 was that it felt like the show was trying to go in a cleaner, more polished direction, sort of distancing itself from the dark humor and mean-spiritedness, but in a good way, that made it great.

Episode 2 is a Jack Dee episode, so hopefully it’ll be a bit darker, but also we have Alex “Bassist and Cheesemaker” James, and Seann “WERE YOU AT YATES’SH WINE LODGE? I CARN’T BLUDDY BELIEVE IT!” Walsh in the house. Also on the panel tonight are Spencer Matthews from Made in Chelsea, and Maverick Saber, pop vocalist.

According to one of Jack’s standups, he was a last-minute replacement for someone. Or not. It’s really hard to tell with him.

Noel, on the TATU video: “Me and Seann remember what we were doing the first time we saw that video…we were in school uniforms, kissing…”
Seann: “WAS THAT YOU?”

After Maverick reveals he has IBS: “This is like a group therapy session. Seann, you got any problems?”
Seann: “…I ain’t got a house.”
Jack: “Well, we all could guess that.”

Seann: “When I’m at customs, one thing I like to do, when they look at me, is just mime like I’m opening a door…”
Phill: “No, it’s so you can pretend to have a house…”

Alex: “D’you remember where you were when Geri left the Spice Girls?”
Phill: “I was actually on a grassy noll…I was just about to pull the trigger and then I heard the news…”

Once again, Alex James has come to this Buzzcocks with cheese.
Spencer: “Tried some of your tomato-and-ketchup cheddar backstage. Really cool. Must be delicious on toast.”
Alex: “Well, that’s the thing. That’s the beauty of it…”
Noel: “You’re like a sort of weird Cheese Child-Catcher now…”

On Alice Cooper and the snake:
Maverick, in his very thick accent: “What, d’e go duwn ‘is short un bite em?”
Jack: “…I’m sorry? Without being racist, could you repeat that, please?”

Noel does the first intro for Seann in this weird, Native American chant, maybe to throw him off but mostly just to amuse himself.
Seann, evoking the Paul Foot tactic of making up a song name: “Is it ‘I Don’t Know Where I Am’ by the SatNavs?”
Jack: “…no.”
Seann: “Is it ‘Get out of my Wheel’ by the Angry Hamsters?”
Seann, going for the rule of threes: “Is it, uh, ‘Ow that Hurts’, by Anal Danger?”

Seann reveals he doesn’t actually know.
Jack: “Fair enough, it’s always good to have a guess…”
(Glares at camera)

Jack: “Over to this side, Phill?”
Phill: “I thought it was Anal Danger as well…”

Phill, getting up for Intros: “He was asking who was on the show, and I said ‘Spencer from Made in Chelsea.’…and Alex said “Are they a good band?”

After the Shakira clip plays in:
Spencer: “Why didn’t you come in with that bit?”
Phill: “Because you can’t do the vocals in the INTROS ROUND…It seems you don’t watch OUR show either!”

ID Parade:
Maverick: “#3 could be…”
Seann: “#3 could fuck you up!”
#3: [Nods]

Jack: “Anything…”
Maverick: “I’m still thinkin’ 2…”
Jack: “Well, that’s irritable bowel syndrome for ya…”

Phill’s ID Parade, which the audience laughs at upon reveal, features an old friend:

Screen Shot 2016-12-18 at 8.53.29 PM.png


Sadly, instead of his usual Pirate gear, Al is dressed in this lycra thing, but he’s still himself, which is nice.

Jeremy, on why it’s #3: “He looks different, his outfit’s a bit-”
Phill: “They are GIVEN these outfits. They don’t bring their own…”

Alex: “If I were looking for a bass player, I’d go for one…”
Jack: “Mind you, Blur went looking for a bass player and picked you..”

Jack, keeping with the ‘party’ theme, that isn’t always hitting tonight, gives the teams face-paint, and…
Screen Shot 2016-12-18 at 8.57.26 PM.png

Phill: “I’m a DIIIRTTY PANDA…”

And then Noel and Phill do over Jack, which works pretty well
Screen Shot 2016-12-18 at 8.59.19 PM.png
Jack: “You can laugh, but this is bullying in the workplace…”

Next Lines:
“She’s a perfect ten but she wears a twelve.”
Seann: “OW, OW’ by Anal Danger.”

Jack: “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to- oh, I’ve just given you the second line…”

Overall: A light show, sort of hindered by a few gimmicks. Jack was a good enough host, but he didn’t elevate the material as much as he hindered it, thanks to a runner that didn’t exactly work. The panel was alright, and Seann and Alex did well, but it wasn’t a completely together panel. Again, had its moments, especially Jack screwing with Maverick and Spencer, but still kind of disappointing.

Guest Host Rating: 7.5/10. The runner knocked Jack back a bit.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Seann
Best Runner: Anal Danger

Nevermind Watchdown: S24E03, or ‘I’m in Jedward! F–k You!’

Well…I’ve had a good life.

You see, when handling an annoying panelist, like Dappy or Donny Tourette or Mickey Hutton, I have to cling to the fact that the host or someone will at least screw with them and make it worthwhile for me, so I won’t have to listen to them too much.

Jedward…is a different animal entirely.

Even if Guest Host Jack Dee, AS WELL AS comedian panelists like Katy Brand and Charlie Higson, and up-and-coming popstar Eliza Doolittle, take the mick at Jedward, there’s still gonna be bloodshed, mostly coming from my ears. Overall, I’m not excited for this one, but Jack Dee’s fantastic, so it can’t be that bad.

Dear gosh, the very first second of Jedward playback and I’m already done. They’re doing a horrible cover of Blink 182’s All the Small Things. One audience member frantically wails.

This is great- they show (for what must be the 80th time on Buzzcocks) Billy Bragg’s ‘Sexuality’ video…INCLUDING a clip of Phill doing air-guitar. Phill directed that video, and hopefully he’ll at least subtly mention it here.

Sure enough, Noel mentions it first chance he gets.
Phill: ‘I was just looking at the still there, and it appeared to me that in the 1980’s I was quite a successful lesbian…”
Screen Shot 2016-11-24 at 12.57.46 AM.png

Jack: “Phill, I have to say that you and Charlie look like a very gay couple about to adopt a daughter [Eliza]”
Charlie, pointing at Jedward: “Yeah, but what do THOSE LOT look like?”

Noel, looking over at Jedward: “Never in my life have I looked more like a paedophile…”

Jon: “When we were younger, we had this sort of book on strangers, and-”

Jack: “Did you learn anything from that book?”
Jon: “Yeah, it was a scary book, yeah.”
Jack: “…still went with Louis Walsh, did ya?”

Even Jedward talking amongst themselves is deafening:
Jack: “Can Jon finish the sentence before you start the next one?”
Noel: “It’s like an auction…”

Jack tries reading some of Jedward’s tweets, one of which is “It’s so weird- this morning Edward broke a bowel and then the cocoa pops went everywhere.”
The whole room takes a second to recover from the absurdity of that one.

Jack suggests that Jedward shut up so that Phill’s team can get the answer
Phill: “Chico’s gonna be the new Docto-”
Jedward: *inaudible clattering*
Phill: “…nearly there.”
Charlie: “No, go ahead. Persevere. You can do it!”

Jack, revealing the answer: “They were both goat-herders before they-”
Charlie: “NO THEY WEREN’T!”
Jack, channeling Angus Deayton: “Uh, I’m afraid they were..”

Katy, on the Cowell intro-clip: “I mean, whenever I see black and white footage of someone with that song, I just get attracted to them…”
Phill: “Most footage of Hitler’s in black and white…”
Jon: “Actually, I know a lot of people compare Simon Cowell to Hitler. I think he’s okay-”
Katy: “WHOA WHOA WHOA…it’s lines out of context like that, that get this show in trouble…”

On Simon & Noel Gallagher:
Katy: “Were they both goatherds?”
Jon, giving the one genuine funny line either of them have had all night: “Are they both the same height?”
Noel: “Have they both…recovered from lupus?”

Charlie’s tweeting throughout the show. During Eliza and Phill’s first intro, he types “…Eliza is making a strangely exciting noise…I’m distracted.”

Eliza’s finger piano thing is so good for Charlie that he motions for Phill to just stop. Eliza even goes “I’m happy to just do the fingers.”
Screen Shot 2016-11-24 at 1.18.35 AM.png
Phill: “SHUT UP!”

After a line about Johnny Rotten selling out, Jack: “Jedward have stood firm, and have refused to sell anything…even records.”

Noel: “Though to be fair, Jack, their album’s the biggest selling album this year.”
Jack: “Is it?”
Noel AND Jedward: “Yeah, in Ireland…”

Edward, before Intros, sung: “Are you REA-DY?”
Kary, confused: “…YES?!?”

Screen Shot 2016-11-24 at 1.27.22 AM.png

Jedward and Noel’s ‘Under Pressure’ intro is aaaactually pretty good, if a bit needlessly annoying.
Noel: “I’m in Jedward! Fuck you!”

Phill, as the Under Pressure plays in, Comic Book Guy voice: “WORST. BOY BAND. EVERRR…”

Katy, right before the 2nd intro, just collapses due to the Jedwardness of it all. Shoving a prop piece of paper in her mouth and just crumbling.
Noel: “Katy’s just had an aneurysm!”
Phill, to the camera: “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s very important that you send what you can…to have Katy Brand freed from this quiz…”

Their 2nd one is, of course, Ghostbusters, and when they play it in Jon goes over and starts singing and dancing around Jack’s chair, all the while Jack’s keeping his deadpan, ‘kill me’ expression.
Screen Shot 2016-11-24 at 1.35.08 AM.png

As if this show wasn’t insane enough…in Phill’s ID Parade, an old friend has dropped by..
Screen Shot 2016-11-24 at 1.37.48 AM.png

This is great- the ID Parade is finding Mick Brown from Mick & Pat…but #5 is just Pat Brown. He’s just there. Grimacing a bit, even.

Eliza: “I know #4 because I’m friends with him on Facebook…”
Phill: “I don’t like to ask, as it seems a little impertinent, but have you poked him?”
Eliza: “with my fingers…”
She does the motioning she did earlier.
Phill, weak: “oh, please stop…”

Jack: “Are you gonna make your guess?”
Phill: “It’s a nice respite. The longer this round goes on….I don’t think I need to go on-”
Jack: “Yeah, you’ve made your point clear..”

Noel says he even liked Jedward, he says they behave themselves.
Edward: “We are actually really well behaved.”
Phill: “Well, within the context of this quiz, you make Dappy look like Stephen Fry.”
No joke…Jon stays frozen for five seconds before FINALLY GETTING THE JOKE and going “OH MY GOD…”

Even better, Pat Sharp returns AGAIN in Noel’s ID Parade for Pianoman. Just in sunglasses and a black coat. At least he’s getting a kick out of this.

Jon: “Why does one of them have hair and the other four are bald?”
Katy: “Because the other one’s Pat Sharp, you know, the Radio DJ. He’s in both ID Parades, that’s the joke of the round.”
Jack: “Thank you for explaining that Katy, because if I had to I’d be SICK…”

Phill and Noel agree, after that line, to switch panels…for some reason. Phill is willingly enduring all this?
Noel: “I love you both, but you were bringing on a panic attack…”

Katy: “Phill, do you know which one Pianoman is?”
Phill: “No, but I know who Pat Sharp is, my friend…”

Jack even suggests that Jedward join the lineup so Pat Sharp can join the team instead, which everyone OVERWHELMINGLY agrees to.

I will say that Pat does a fantastic job as ‘Guest Captain’, as he’s a great personality and helps Katy and Phill swerve toward #1. Unfortunately at the end of the round he has to go back.

This is great- Next Lines, Jack gives Eliza her own lyrics…then he gives her My Fair Lady lyrics, wrong Eliza Doolittle…then he gives her DOCTOR Doolittle lyrics. Noel and Charlie are just cracking up the whole time.

Eliza: “I don’t actually know these!”
Jack: “You should! This is Doctor Doolittle! That’s your DAD!”

Phill, into Next Lines: “Boys…inside voices.”
Jon: “[Noel’s] my mom, you’re my dad, and [Jack’s] our uncle…”
Jack: “I would like a blood test.”

Jack: “If there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?”
Phill, very quickly: “Samaritans!”

After three straight Next Lines of ‘shut-up’ related lyrics.
Edward: “Are you trying to tell us something?”
Katy: “FINALLY…”

Overall: Yes, even if Jedward were very annoying…this was still a very nice show, aided by some great moments and lines. It helps that Jack Dee was a great guest host, keeping everything in order while still being funny, as well as Charlie and Katy still being funny (and both captains being awesome as well). Eliza had the least to do but was still charming enough. Not necessarily rewatchable but still pretty good.

Guest Host Rating: 9/10. Jack did pretty well for himself.
Best Regular: Noel
Best Guest: Katy
Best Runner: Jedward shut up!

Nevermind Watchdown: S22E06, or It’s Not YOUR job that’s at stake!

The story so far: In 2008, Russell Brand taped an episode of Nevermind the Buzzcocks. Then immediately after that he was caught in a phone scandal with Jonathan Ross (involving making fun of disabled people) which cost them some serious image work, but also managed to give Angus Deayton a hosting gig.

So, this episode taped while the Brand controversy was still high, and while Brand’s episode was shelved indefinitely (not to be seen until 2011, after Russell Brand was busy trying to save his career by remaking (and nearly ruining) one of the greatest comedies of all time), and while everyone else at the BBC was desperately trying to save face.

So…tonight’s show was, for the sake of Simon trying to keep his job, jokingly repackaged as a ‘kid-friendly’ program, complete with Simon wearing an over-the-top bunny suit.

Tonight’s guest Bill is Jack Dee, which is wonderful, and Phill has Lisa Maffia (!) and the adorably game Alexei Sayle (!!!!!) on his panel, so we’ve got some returnees at least.  Stine Bramsen was a singer with Alphabeat. Anna Richardson was a TV presenter and personality (yaaaaay)

Phill: “Now, you were telling me that So-Solid Crew were banned from this very building.”
Lisa: “YEEEEAH. Top of the pops days. They got banned for smoking the good stuff.”
Simon, still very much in character: “Or as we call it here at the BBC…the illegal stuff.”

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Simon holds this look for ten seconds.

Alexei: “I mean…thanks to your pusillanimous lack of courage, this is a really shit show, isn’t it?”
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Simon, after Alexei’s speech about wanting to still offend ‘the powers that be’: “We’ve all just got to have a nice pop quiz tonight, alright? [Emotional] There’s a question…what’s the answer!?!?”
Phill’s entire panel breaks.

Simon: “But you’re not really a communist anymore, right?”
Alexei: “…naahhh.”
Simon: “Why not?”
Alexei: “…didn’t work out, really?”
Phill loses it here.

After Simon struggles with holding the cards in his bunny hands
Alexei: “That’s the thing about these elaborate costumes- it works AT FIRST. Rik Mayall did a similar thing, back in ’80, he came on in this bunny suit, and…yeah, it’s been done before…”
Simon: “OH NO!”

Simon asks Anna why her sex education show NEEDS to be shown.
Anna: “What’s the #1 most contracted STI?”
Simon: “…Um…”
Anna: “Have you been checked?”
Simon: “WELL…As an employee of the BBC, I….there’s no need for me to ever be checked because I’ve never…had sex.”
Anna: “…to be honest, in that outfit I can see why.”
Simon: “If this doesn’t get me laid, I don’t know what will…”

Jack’s actually great on this show, as he’s still his stoic, semi-grumpy self. Right after his team’s answer is deemed wrong, he makes it clear that they weren’t happy with that answer, and tries to say, with class, that they’d like to change their answer to A, after A’s already been announced as the right answer.

The second Jack tries to change his answer, Alexei pipes in, playing up his rage: “THIS IS A TRAVESTY! WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS…TURN THE CAMERAS *ROUND*…SO THAT *YOOOU* ARE ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS…”

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Alexei starts singing a full-on revolt song

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Simon, in character, is horrified.

Simon has to go over there, calmly tap Alexei on the shoulder and say ‘not tonight’, BUT ALEXEI’S STILL GOING.

Phill, getting up for Intros: “So, the way you handled that incident with Mr. Dee’s team…that’s how the quiz now?”
Jack: “Would you just let it go? Come on…”
Simon: “Come on, let’s just have a good time tonight, Phill…”
Phill: “Right…we’ll just do the introduction to Freedom by Wham, and that’ll be the end of it…”

Simon keeps screwing with Lisa about being on CelebAir
Simon: “Alexei, if you win tonight…you could be on CelebAir!”
Lisa: “Would you stop taking the piss out of that show? I think that show was really good and I enjoyed it.”
Simon: “Yeah, we all ENJOYED it…”
Lisa: “Well, I done really well, I won over ELEVEN CELEBRITIES.”
Simon: “…Let’s say eleven PEOPLE, shall we?”

Simon, still going: “Do you feel closer now to So-Solid Crew, or the cabin crew?”

Simon: “In a Youtube video, Ringo Starr said that he wouldn’t respond to any more fan mail, as he’s got too much to do.Ironically, he’s now much busier…throwing away parcels full of dog shit.”
The whole panel, especially Phill’s loves that one.

Stine: “I honestly have no clue how to do that one…”
Jack: “I know, it’s great having you on the team.”

Phill, on his Hello Round: “This looks like Tarantino’s new film just arrived.”
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Simon: “Would you do Celeb ARMY?”
Lisa: “Only if I could kick ass…”
Simon: “It’d be nice, you’d go to Afghanistan with Chico…’What time is it?’ ‘it’s WAR time’…”

Lisa: “I got paid really well for that job, so I don’t really give a shit…”
Simon: “…the old Danny Dyer excuse.”

Okay, so there’s a definite difference with Alexei this time, compared to the last time he was on. Yes, he’s had a great time, but last time, when Mark has him do his own lyrics, they both have a good time reciting them, as it’s clear Mark’s a fan. Simon, when he gives him his lyrics, just asks him to do some. And he does, but he adds “i’m a has-been from the 80’s…” and more self-depreciating stuff. He obviously preferred Mark, because Mark was a bit more fair in his hosting, instead of just using it for selfish means like Simon.

Overall: A very nice AU-of-sorts episode, with a change of tone that kept sliding off as the episode went on. Phill’s team had the best time, with Alexei and Lisa having great moments despite not especially meshing well with Simon. Stine and Anna had some nice moments, but didn’t do anything too amazing. Jack Dee was a solid guest Bill that didn’t really break down the walls but still did a nice job.

Jack’s rating: 8/10. Not too bad.
Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Alexei
Best Runner: CelebAir

QI Watchdown: H4 (Humans)

Onto another QI, featuring four very dry people, that hopefully will work well off each other. Jo and Jimmy are making their first appearances this season, and Jack Dee is returning after batting down Phill and Ross a few episode ago.

Jo’s buzzer is a bubbling, croaking swamp noise. After a beat, she turns to Stephen and goes “I really DO go like that…”

Stephen: ‘Describe the perfect man.”
Jo: “A dead one.”
Stephen, faux-astonished: “JO BRAND!”

Stephen, going over the DaVinci proportions: “Your head is about an eighth of your body height”
Jo: “Your head’s about a quarter of your body height.”
Stephen: ‘IS IT??”
Jo: “Yeah, because your brain’s so massive…”

Stephen: ‘The fact is there are millions of them around Italy. Why is that?”
Jack: “Beermats”
Stephen: “NOT….BEERMATS…”

Stephen: “Well, people call him Leonardo, and Da Vinci is just the place he came from. Name some other painters like that…”
Jo: “Leonardo Da…Stratton….”
Stephen: “…not quite…”
Jack: “Rolf of Australia.”
Stephen: “…That is true. How can I take that away from you?”
Man, Jo and Jack are just having fun annoying Stephen tonight.

Stephen: “It’s like cooks. Delia. Nigella. Jamie.”
Alan: “Jamie….Da Essex.”
Stephen: “That’s the one!”

Stephen: “How would you spot a neanderthal on the bus?”
Jack: “If he comes and sits next to me…”
Jo: “He’s the one…already sitting next to me, because I’m married to him.”
Stephen: “Is this going to be the ‘humiliate my husband’ show?”
Jo: “Yeah, he doesn’t watch this, it’s alright…”
Stephen: “Oh, fine.”
Jimmy: “He doesn’t really understand it.”

I’m glad someone finally called Jo out about all the husband-bashing, even if that is her schtick.

Stephen: “Why would you need to take a fossil into a nightclub”
At this exact moment, a picture of Peter Stringfellow appears on the behind-screen. Jo has already buzzed in, sees this, and goes on anyway.
Jo: “If you were at Stringfellow’s, you wouldn’t need to…”

Stephen: “Which bit of you is evolving the quickest?”
Jo: “Is it my propeller?”
Stephen: “…did you say your propeller?”
Jo: “What, did you say ‘revolving’?”
Stephen: “No, EEEVOLVING!”
Man, this is also a great episode for Jimmy Carr’s laugh. He’s laughing more than he’s saying things tonight. The curmudgeons, Jo and Jack, are taking hold.

Jimmy: ‘There’s a thing that lives in the sea that has a sort of propeller-like mechanism, and it-”
Jo: “Is that a boat??”
Jo, somehow, is absolutely killing it tonight.

Jack’s talking about breeding long-necked people to have a ‘giraffe family’
Alan: “I saw a family fortunes once…”
Jimmy: “Here we go, back to my level…”
Alan: “The question was ‘Name a Bird with a Long Neck’. And the guy said Naomi Campbell…”
Stephen: “It’s like my favorite one on Weakest Link. They said ‘What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pinor Noir’, and he said ‘Footballer’s Wives!”
Alan: “My favorite one is ‘Name a Dangerous Race’. And the guy said The Arabs!”
(Stephen loses it here)
Alan: “I don’t know if they were hoping for ‘Grand Master’ or something…”

Stephen puts a picture of a little scrawny rodent on the behind screen.
Jimmy: “Oh my god, how did you get a picture of my scrotum? It’s got the teeth and everything.”

Jack tells a story involving a German man who posted on the internet that he wanted to eat a person, and someone responded. He does this whole story in these German accents, very similar.
Jimmy: “Did they get confused because they both sounded alike?”

Jimmy tells a similar story: “He had ‘im all tied up and he was going to eat him, and then he said ‘aw…I don’t really fancy it’…and they watched Ocean’s Twelve instead, and then he went home.”
Jack: “Yeah, I’ve seen Ocean’s Twelve. I’m not so sure that was a good deal.”
Alan: “Yeah, I’d rather be eaten.”

Stephen: “What is the point of teenagers?”
Jo: “Are they the only group that you’re legally allowed to punch?”

Stephen: “Who’s the fastest human runner of all time”
Jimmy: “I’m gonna go Usain Bolt”
Jimmy: “What, did you not see him on telly? The guy’s called BOLT for god’s sakes! What more could you need?”

Stephen puts up a picture of an Ancient Greek bath house. Jimmy, all of the sudden, spots something in the corner that looks very similar to someone being blown by another man.
Jimmy: “WHAT’S GOING ON OVER THERE??? IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN…and his Mrs. is just WATCHING! He’s probably showing HER how to do it…”

There’s a great moment where they’re asked what disease a mosquito gives you. They all just sort of look around for a few seconds, and Jo just sort of looks at Jack and goes “GO ON…” Jack has no choice but to buzz in with ‘malaria.’

You know this is a weird episode because Jo, not only does she win, but she didn’t get any Klaxons. That’s miraculous!

Overall: A lightweight show without any real highlights. The main gags tonight were beginning-of-question ones, and the conversations didn’t elicit a ton of good lines. Jimmy and Alan were quieter tonight, as Jack and Jo did most of the work, which is nice.

MVP: Jack
Best Guest: Jo
Show Winner: Jo
Best QI Fact: Blacklight fossils

QI Watchdown: H1 (Hodge-Podge), or Toblerone-Rolo Combo

Onto yet another Series of QI, the H series, featuring some definite flux in how the show goes, and who gets the reins of semi-reg-ship. Tonight has two people we’ve seen before, Phill Jupitus and Jack Dee, and one person we’re going to see dozens of times down the stretch, Ross Noble.

The buzzers are all ‘hello’ bells of some sort. Ross’s is a retread of Alan’s ‘RING-A-DING-RING-A-DING’ buzzer from a few X-Mas shows ago. Alan’s is just a Klaxon, which gives him a -10 right off the bat.

The very first question of the show concerns people with long hair, so the behind-screen shows two pictures of Ross bordering a photo of a woman’s legs and skirt, with a sad banked right between the legs. Ross even goes “the sad part is I’m wearing the exact same shirt.”
Jack: “I’ve gotta hand it to you Ross, you’ve got lovely legs.”
Ross: “Oddly enough, that suppository was the oddest shaped one I’ve ever used…”

Stephen: “The full question is why do bankers like long-haired men and short-skirted women?”
Phill: “bi-curious.”

Stephen: “What do bankers want more than anything else?”
Stephen: “And when do bankers make the most money?”
Jack: “Summertime?”
Alan: “In the 60’s?”

Stephen: “What starts with H and means you’ll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?”
Phill: “Hepatitis C?”
Stephen, composing himself: “Oddly enough, you’re surprisingly close in a kind of way…”
Phill: “Herpes.”
Stephen: “You’ve got the right first and last letter.”
Jack: “Halitosis?”
Stephen: “Yes, that’s the right answer.”
Jack: “Is that right? I could have come up with that and gotten a laugh in the first place…”

On the conversation about breath ailments
Alan: “I had a picture taken once with a koala…”
Ross: “You could just leave that there…”

The whole conversation on koala’s breaths, how people can suck on Koalas if they’re suffering from asthma, is hysterical, because everyone on the panel is joining in, even Jack. It helps that Ross and Phill are so great at connecting people’s jokes.

Jack, voicing his disgust on the left-handed pencil sharpener: “They should have adapted when they were younger..Like, what’s wrong with having a stutter?”
Stephen: “It’s not a condition, being left-handed…”
Jack: “Well, you SAY that…”

Jack next gets the left-handed can opener, and he’s still really pissed off, and tries to open a can, right-handed, and just puts it down.
Ross: “The only thing that could annoy jack more now is if he opens that can, and it’s all left-handed peaches.”
Man, Ross’s humor is just the right kind of lovable absurdist.

Ross gets a question right about motorcycles and cameras, and he dodges a klaxon and gets points. After he’s graciously thanking people for the applause, he goes, perfect “I’d just like to point out…that is the only thing I know. And as you started to say that, in my mind I was going “…I know what he’s going to say here…I can use me one bit of knowledge.”

Stephen asks for what kind of gun his german word means. Someone from the audience shouts out “assault rifle”, which is correct.
Jack: “Uh, that was slightly scary there, wasn’t it?”
Alan: “Yeah, you know you said that out loud. You didn’t think about it…”
Alan, holding up the can of peaches: “Ah’ve got hundreds of these as well…”

Stephen reads out the Urban Dictionary definition for ‘hoplophobe’, which is the liberal fear of weapons, and has words such as “sissy” in it.
Phill, pointing to the guy in the audience: “I’ll tell you something…he wrote that.”
Ross: “I tell you what, I bet he wrote it with a left-handed pen.”

Alan goes over to the assault rifle, to try to set it up over the desk, but Stephen says that he’s the only one in the studio allowed to touch the rifle.
Ross: “I love the fact that somewhere there’s a memo that just says: “MACHINE GUN; FOR STEPHEN FRY’S USE ONLY.”

Stephen talks about bomb defusers using silly string to test the trip-wires.
Phill: “It’s nice that that’s a real thing, but I just prefer them leaning over a bomb going [party whistle noise]”
Alan: “With a Margaret Thatcher mask and a rubber chicken…”
Ross: “I have to say…that would have improved that film the Hurt Locker…”

Jack, on the ’round drill doing a square shape’ question, gives an answer that narrowly dodges a klaxon, even though it is wrong.
Ross: “That would have been brilliant, if it had gone ‘WOOP-WOOP-WOOP’, and EVERY WORD YOU SAID…was up there.”
Stephen: “ONE DAY!”

Stephen describes ‘a circular triangle’ that can be used to make a square shape.
Ross, confused: “A circular triangle??”
Phill: “Oh, no no no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME on this show. [Stephen voice] IT’S A SORT OF CIRCULAR TRIANGLE…”
Alan: “And it makes a square…”

Ross: “It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that…it’s the fact that I now realize that there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo! A Roblerone!”
Stephen: “D’you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble? The name for this form of triangle is a Rolo.”
Phill: “You know the fact that we come on this show, and discover things? I feel like tonight is that I’ve just discovered that the best three words to hear in a Geordie accent is ‘toblerone rolo combo.’
Ross: “THANKS. Now everyone I meet’s gonna go ‘could you say Toblerone please? Poor Geordie man, dance for us.’
Phill: “You’ve got to form a band now, called THAT.”
Ross: “Alright, me and Cheryl Cole. Her, me, and Jimmy Neil.”
Jack: “And maybe I’ll play the trombone.”

After Alan masters the round peg-square hole: “Let me play with the gun! I want to play with the gun that shoots ’round corners!”
Stephen: “No, you can’t play with the gun.”
Alan: “Special instructors don’t let Alan play with the gun…”
Phill: “Police in London were BAFFLED tonight by a series of murders committed ’round corners.”

Stephen: “What is the roundest thing in the universe.”
Phill, raising his hand: “Just saying…”

Phill: “The earth is…thingy…it’s not round.”
Stephen: “No, it’s not round, it’s an…oblique spheroid.”
Phill: “WHOA NELLY FURTADO! He’s got a word for EVERYTHING.”

Alan, about the neutron star: “They’re really round.”
Phill, noticing a definitely-not-round object on the behind-screen: “THAT’S NOT *ROUND!*”
Stephen: “That’s a supernova I think-”
Stephen: “He’s very upset, aren’t you?”
Phill: ‘YES!!”

Stephen: “It’s only got a diameter of 15 miles or so, and there isn’t one near enough that you can see it-”
Jack: “Y’ever notice how we always have to take Stephen’s word for it?”

Stephen: “If I had a thimble-full of neutron star, it would weigh more than a mountain.”
Phill: ‘YEAH, BUT YOU *DON’T*.”

Stephen: “What’s made entirely of jelly and lives forever?”
Phill: “Shark-infested custard- WRONG JOKE.”

Stephen: “After it sexes- no, after it-”
Stephen: “Sorry…after it’s HAD SEX.”
Alan: “I have sex.”
Alan: “I can’t talk now, I’m sexing.”

Phill: “Monkey glands? Royal jelly?”
Stephen: “Monkey glands, and what do they MEAN by monkey glands.”
Phill, a la Stephen: “THE GLANDS….OF A MONKEY.”

Stephen: “They weren’t glands, actually, they were testicles.”
Phill: “Av…NO!”
Stephen: “They started as human testicles I’m sorry to say.”
Ross: “If you were to scale them up to the size of the earth…they’d take HOURS to scratch.”

The conversation they have about pirates at the bank, I didn’t write all of it down, but it’s fantastic, and everyone’s getting in on it.

Stephen: “There’s an International Talk Like a Pirate day, isn’t there?”
Jack: “Yeah, but Somalian.”

Overall: A wonderfully perfect opener to Series H. All four panelists were on and willing to collaborate, which is a rarity these days. Phill had the best night of the four, but Ross was wonderful and bizarre in his debut, making me very excited to see more episodes of his. Jack was more talkative than he’s ever been on QI, and was more willing to branch out and collaborate jokes. A ton of great moments, and a definite rewatch value.

MVP: Phill
Best Guest: Ross
Show Winner: Jack
Best QI Fact: Monkey testicles
Best Runner: Sexing

QI Watchdown: G13 (Gothic)

Onto a rather dark episode, technically though not nominally the Halloween special, featuring two very dark comedians, Jack Dee and Jimmy Carr, and one that will eventually become one of QI’s more tenured ones, Sue Perkins.

Jimmy’s buzzer is a Shining-esque “HEEERE’S JIMMY!”, which he seems to enjoy. Sue’s is a Wilhelm Scream, which she seems flabbergasted by. Alan’s is “Arsenal, Nil, Norwich City, 3”, which Alan glares at Stephen for.

Sue’s description of the Goths: “The Goths were an ancient German tribe, I think, who wore crushed velvet and very, very thin drainpipe trousers, and spat in shopping centers.”

Stephen: “The Goths were actually Scandiwegian, and…you [Alan] look Scandiwegian-”
Sue: ‘Scandinavian and Glaswegian?”
Jimmy: “They sound dangerous!”

Jimmy: ‘BAD MONKS! There’s a good idea for a book.”
Jack: “They did that, it was called The DaVinci Code”
Jimmy: “They should have called it Bad Monks. It’s a film about some BAAAD monks! These monks have turned NASTY!”

Stephen: “Does Carpenter Gothic mean anything to you?”
Jimmy: “Carpenter Gothic? It was an interesting phase in their recording career. Cause she was quite skinny anyway, and she had the mascara…”

Stephen says the guy who painted American Gothic was Grant Wood.
Sue: “Grant Wood. Sounds like a porn star.”

Jimmy, on ‘Gothic’: “It’s great, because it makes me think the Goths sacked Rome…after being nagged about it by their mum for a fortnight.”

Jack: “I was a goth for a while.”
Stephen: “Were you?”
Jack: “Yeah, I was asked to leave because I was too miserable…”
Sue: “You were bringing them down?”
Alan: “I was an emu for a while…”

Jack: “What’s the difference between an emo and a goth? I’ve forgotten that…”
Alan: “One’s a flightless bird…”

Stephen: “Who painted Still Life with Sunflowers?”
Sue: “Van Goff.”
Jimmy: “No, then it’s Van Go-TH!”
Sue: “VAN GO!”
Jimmy: “OOH! Cezanne.”

Stephen: “There’s now a theory that Van Gogh’s ear was cut off by Gauguin.”
Jimmy: “Oh, it’s not pronounced Gauguin.”

Stephen: “Alan, you’re a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you bite Jack, and Jack, you bite Mel.”
Alan, correcting: “Sue.”
Sue looks confused and perturbed. Stephen just face palms. Jimmy does the Jimmy laugh.

Jimmy, on the zombie outbreak question: “I think it’s a trick question, because [Alan]’s a vegetarian. You wouldn’t bite me, I don’t think. You’d have a salad.”
Alan: “I wouldn’t CONSUME you, but I would be prepared to kill you, turn you into one of me, BWAHAHAHAHA!”
Fantastic link to Jonathan Creek, there.
Alan: “I LOOK like the character…not actually me.”
Jimmy: “Whereas Mel looks NOTHING LIKE HERSELF!”

Stephen reveals that people in Ghana can be buried in any object-shaped coffin they’d like. The picture shows a fish-coffin.
Jack: “Was he cremated or grilled?”

Jimmy’s got a lot of great lines about death. On dying too young, he says “there must be an age of which they die, where they say “naw actually, that’d be enough, that’ll do…”
Or, on ‘a loss in the family’ stones: “Well, everyone’s death is a loss in the family, so…”

Weird part about ‘see me rot dot com’, which is mentioned here, is that it’s not the first time i’ve been told about this. Ex-gf of mine. She was into some weird shit.

Stephen: “There are a lot of people who are deathly afraid of being buried alive.”
Alan: “I am quite afraid of it, now that you mention it…”

Stephen: “It has the biggest eyes of any animal relative to its head. The human equivalent to that-”
Jimmy: “-would be Natalie Imbruglia.”
Stephen: “They’re rather ugly…”
Jimmy: “I think she’s sexy…”

Stephen says this squid is able to “dazzle” anyone who tries to devour it.
Jimmy: “Its defense it to dazzle? Like, TA-DAAHHH!”
Sue, with a perfect analogy: ‘It’s the John Barrowman of deep-sea specimens…”

Stephen: “What’s the toughest way to become a mummy.”
Jimmy, after a thoughtful beat: “Reverse cowgirl?”
The audience applauds.
Stephen: “Now, they understand that. You’ll have to explain that to me.”
Jimmy: “i’m going to need a volunteer from the audience…”

On the town in florida that had 2/3rd of the US’s amputees in 1965.
Jack: “Did this town cost an arm and a leg to live there?”
Jimmy: “Is it the town where they put the diabetic clinic next to the donut shop?”
The audience literally has to stop and groan at that, in the midst of laughing. Jimmy’s even going “WHAT??”
Jimmy, going on: “Is it the town where the helicopter pad was next to the taxi rank?”

Stephen mentions it’s self-harming.
Sue: “Oh, uh, amputee-wannabes…I think I’ve made that sound…disrespectful…”

Stephen: “After the Vietnam war, who was buried in the tomb of the unknown soldier?”
Sue: “We don’t know. All of them were anonymous, weren’t they?”
Jimmy: “The whole nature of this show, it’ll mean, the unknown solider, he wasn’t a soldier, they KNEW him, and he wasn’t dead!”
Sue: “The unknown soldier was actually buried in a chili pepper in Ghana.”
Jack: “Was he an unknown soldier while he was still alive? He kept turning up, no one seems to notice. “How you doing? [whispered] who is that? I dunno!”

For the ‘saved by the bell’ question, Jack, narrowly dodging a question, gets it right by saying it’s a boxing reference. Alan says “I thought it was a reference to being buried alive.” AND HE STILL GETS A KLAXON.
Stephen: “Only Alan!”
Jimmy: “You were LITERALLY saved by the bell. He buzzed in and got it right, and you couldn’t say your stupid thing, AND YOU WENT THERE ANYWAY!! YOU’RE AMAZING!”

Stephen: “What can you tell me about Mozart’s burial?”
Jimmy: “Did they play Angels by Robbie Williams?”
(Don’t tell Mark Lamarr)

Alan ties for first for the second episode in a row, with Jack. Jimmy comes in last.

Overall: A very nice episode with four people that definitely came to play. I like Sue, because she’s not the funniest person on the panel, but she’s an outstanding connector, and she’s great in terms of a group dynamic, which this show THRIVES on. Jimmy had the best nice, and the best lines. Jack, like usual, stuck to the outskirts but always came in with some nice lines. Him and Rich Hall probably get along well, as they have the same humor.

MVP: Jimmy
Best Guest: Sue
Show Winners: Jack and Alan
Best QI Fact: Vampire Squid
Best Runner: Sue= Mel.

QI Watchdown: G7 (Girls & Boys)

Getting back on the GI wagon, and up to a pretty stellar looking episode, featuring a panelist who’s just beginning to appear more (Sandi Toksvig, your future QI host), a panelist who never appeared enough (Ronni Ancona), and a guy who I’ve been waiting to see on QI for a little while (Jack Dee). And all on a topic about gender. Sure to be a fun one.

Stephen: “Before the 20th century, the colors were pink for a baby boy and blue for a baby girl.”
Jack: “How could they be wrong for so long?”

Stephen: “Right up until the mid-15h century.”
Alan, jokingly: “Boys were called girls.”
Stephen: “Yes.”
Alan: “THEY WERE???”
Alan puts his head in his hands, dumbfounded.
Stephen: “You have to rethink everything now, don’t you?”
Alan: “This is the most extraordinary episode yet!”

Stephen: “And girl children were called…gay girls, apparently..”
Sandi: “I had no problem with that…”

Sandi: “I like pink. Pink makes the boys wink, and I’ve known quite a few boys that are winkers, you see…”
Jack: “Bit sexist, don’tcha think?”
Sandi: “I’ve only just started…this is just the beginning.”
Jack: “Well I’m gonna come down on you like a …ton of bricks in a second…”
Sandi: “Well, you’d be the first boy in my life that’s done so.”
Stephen: “They can get a man on the moon, but they can’t get one on Sandi…”

Jack is Phill Jupitus’ delivery with Rich Hall’s demeanor, and I like that combo.

Stephen: “What’s the best way to get a girl.”
Alan’s buzzer: “‘ELLO DAHLING!”
Alan: “…usually works…”

Alan: “Nowadays, people think that, if you have the football on, during…you know…you’ll have a boy.”
Sandi: “If you’ve got the football on, you’ll be lacking at having sex at all…”

Sandi: “I think there’s a relationship between a sense of humor and the male sex organ.”
Alan: “People are always laughing at mine…”

Sandi and Ronni answer the ‘why are there not too many women on QI’ question by going into detail about female comedians, and how there aren’t many, and how there’s a hesitance of letting them on. Out of nowhere, while they’re going on about it, Jack buzzes in:
Jack: “Is it because once you get them started, they don’t shut up?”
Man, that is pretty perfect. Jack should have been on QI AGES AGO…

Stephen: “Drunk women have 50% more testosterone coursing about their bodies..”
Ronni: “They’re drinking the wrong things…”

Jack gives a sentence in pig latin to Stephen.
Ronni, flirtatiously: “OOH, YOU SCHOLAR!”
Jack: “Plenty more where that came from.”

Stephen: “What does your granny have to do with a killer whale?”
Ronni: “They’ve both got stomachs filled with plastic bags that they’ve eaten by mistake.”
Oh, how I missed Ronni…

I’m sorry, but Alan’s voice when talking about the men dressed as nuns made me stop and laugh. Alan, in a  very proper 40’s England commander voice, goes “Now look out. We’re expecting them to come as nuns. Beware of nuns. With the hands.”

Alan talks of growing a mustache recently and having it come out grey, “and then my wife said “yeah, and you’ve got a grey pube.”
Jack: “Or was that someone else?”

They put a bunch of words on the board that Germans couldn’t pronounce, including Belvoir, which is pronounced ‘Beaver.’
Sandi: “I’m gonna use that if I ever become a dame. I’ll go “no, it’s pronounced DAME BEAVER.”

Stephen: “Why are men better than women at reading maps.”
Jack: “Well, they’re not, you see-”
Jack: “I was so trying-”
Stephen: “Your one attempt to be decent.”

Stephen: “What is unfair about the prize money at Wimbledon?”
Jack: “They only give it to you if you’re really, really good at tennis.”

Overall: A fairly decent episode, if down a few pegs from the last few. The dynamic was definitely a lot thicker, and that makes up for the slowness in the middle. Sandi was wonderful tonight, and definitely made the most of the theme, while Jack made a great debut. Ronni, as she’s done lately, didn’t say the most but was very funny.

MVP: Sandi
Best Guest: Jack
Show Winner: Sandi & Ronni
Best QI Fact: Nazi Nuns.