QI Watchdown: I5 (Invertebrates), or ‘I TRIED A SCORPION, I TRIED AN ANT..’

Ah, the old ‘one anchor, one newbie, one oddball’ approach, mastered by the show best in the Differences episodes, where Dara O’Briain was forced to fend for himself against a bizarre humorist (Ronni Ancona) and a new player to the fold (Julian Clary). Tonight, Jimmy Carr finds himself in a similar conundrum. On one hand, he works with the lovable Sarah Millican, making her first of many appearances on the show. On the other, for the first time since Series E, he has to make sense of Johnny Vegas. If anything, it’s gonna be an interesting show.

Stephen adds to the Nobody Knows intro, that ‘if you use it at the wrong time, you’re gonna look like a bit of a tit…”
Jimmy: ‘…right.”
Johnny, holding up his: “…what’s the point?”

Stephen, on the first question of the night: “What do bees do better than dogs?”
Jimmy, not finding any alternatives: “…make honey?”
Stephen: “…that is probably true, but-”
Jimmy: “PROBABLY true…YOU’RE GIVING ME *PROBABLY* on making honey. Okay. FINE.”

Sarah: “They’re better at sneaking up on you than dogs are. Like, ye’d never know if a bee had sniffed your crotch, had ye…”
Stephen: “Oddly enough you’ve used a word in there-”
Sarah: “Is it crotch?”

5:30 in, not a word from Alan. It’s mostly Sarah and Johnny doing the work, and while Sarah’s great and all, Johnny’s not wowing me so far.

Stephen: “What are some of the advantages of breeding insects for food…”
Johnny: “…you get to pretend to be a giant…”

Stephen does say that some scientists believe that when we run out of natural food, about 2030, that eating insects will be one of our only viable options.
Screen Shot 2017-06-08 at 7.54.17 PM.png
Jimmy: “If that is the case, could you maybe have picked a picture of someone that looks LESS NUTS? You know, if you’re trying to market it. Because if he’s supposed to be Captain Birdseye of the Insect World…he couldn’t look any creepier!”
Stephen: “He looks as if he’s auditioning to play The Master in the original Doctor Who..”
Johnny: “Even the frame of the picture looks like you’re about to black out…’OOH, ME VOCAL CHORDS ARE SWELLING UP…”
Stephen, trying to get the show back on track: “But there is no real reason to-”
Johnny, still there: “I EXPECT YOU TO DIE, MR. BOND…”

Stephen, out of nowhere, starts coughing hardly, and the entire panel starts panicking, as he ate a chocolate-covered ant earlier.
Johnny: “Oh, ‘they’re amazing, they could solve the problems of starvation’, BY KILLING THE PEOPLE…”
Stephen: “I have got a problem in my throat, though-”
Alan: “AND LOOK AT THAT MAN, LOOMING OVER YOU, he’s going “AT LAST, I GOT YOU, FRY! MUAHAHAHA!”
Jimmy: “One brave ant, and they’re going ‘okay, what we’re gonna do- we’re gonna cover you in chocolate…we’re gonna put you in front of Stephen Fry…you’re gonna go down there, and you’re gonna sort things out.”

Stephen, summing up the whole situation: “Here i am, advertising this as the future of humanity, and I have to say…I feel like SHIT at the moment…”

Stephen: “Why aren’t there any vegan venus flytraps?”
Sarah: “Maybe there are…but people just don’t invite them round for dinner because it’s too complicated.”

Johnny: “If you fell asleep next to [a venus flytrap] for long enough…and it closed on your finger…would it be able to digest part of your finger?”
Stephen: “I…I’m gonna send you one. And you can do the experiment for us, and let us know. You can try your knob as well, it’d be funnier…”
This gets a nice reaction, too.
Stephen: “…it’d be a penis flytrap then, wouldn’t it?”
Johnny, as if THAT’s below him: “NNNOOO….”

Stephen brings up that ‘worm-charming’ is indeed a thing in the states, and shows a picture.
Alan: “Oh, for God’s sake…”
Stephen: “I know you’ve got your ‘get a life’ look on…”

Johnny, on the worms: “yeah, that’s that myth, isn’t it? That’s where they’ve been cut in half?”
Jimmy: “You can do that with any animal…”

Alan, still judging: “That girl is hitting the ground with a flip-flop. She’s got flip-flops on, and she’s taken EXTRA flip-flops.”
Jimmy: “She’s only done it to annoy you..”
Johnny: “It just looks like a car-boot sale, where everyone’s just forgotten the cars…”
Man, Johnny’s humor is just the right kind of bizarre…

Stephen talks about a sport where people have 30 minutes to summon all the worms they can.
Jimmy: “And why the time constraint? Are they just out on day release?”

Stephen mentions that one year, nobody could catch a single worm.
Sarah: “Were they inside at the time? Like, in a building?”
Jimmy: “Yeah, it was raining, they had to do it in the church hall…”

Alan: “At least when you go trainspotting, there ARE trains…”
Johnny: “That’s the thing! All the trainspotters are sitting on the hill going ‘LOSEEERRRS!”

Jimmy asks if greenflies are pests.
Stephen: “Well, they’re a pest if you’re an aphid…”
Sarah: “I thought you said ‘if you’re an atheist!”
Stephen, under laughter: “It’s a fantastic idea…”
Jimmy: “Bloody ladybirds! Proving the existence of God again!”

This episode is good, but it’s succeeding in smaller places. Like, Stephen shows the footage of the mantis shrimp punching a predator in the face. Johnny, towards the background, goes ‘it’d better have a ‘kapow'”. Not a ton of people hear it, but I can’t help but adore it.

Stephen shows footage of a shrimp on a running machine, then “there are some excuses that scientists have given, for-”
Alan: “FOR DOING THAT TO THEM!”
Jimmy, who is killing it this episode: “Was it mainly boredom?”

Stephen: “The person responsible for this study was named-”
Johnny: “He gives his NAME OUT?”

And then, after the clip, Johnny: “I’m waiting to see a crab with some dumbbells…”

Johnny does volunteer to eat the scorpion brittle from earlier, and says he’s gonna break it in half, then singing ‘HALF THE POISON, HALF THE FUN!” Man, there’s nobody else like this guy.

As everyone’s having the bug-infused candy, Johnny: “Can I just say,…what if we all develop super powers as a result of this?”

Alan: “I tried a scorpion, I tried an ant…I’m done.”
Johnny: ‘it’s like the first line of a musical- ‘I TRIED A SCORPION, I TRIED AN ANT!”

Jimmy, as everyone’s trying things but he and Sarah: “I think you should try an ant…”
Sarah: “Well, you’re not me mom, so…”

Sarah: “My mum said you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to…that was my sex chat…”
Johnny: “You’re talking to the man with the scorpion lolly…”
Jimmy, still on Sarah’s bit: “THAT was your sex chat?”
Alan: “She didn’t mention your vagina, then? Just your mouth?”
Alan THEN…DOES THIS:
Screen Shot 2017-06-18 at 8.34.07 PM.png
And the entire room blows up. Sarah’s absolutely losing it, as is Alan.
Alan: “I don’t know what came over me…”
Sarah, holding back tears: “It’s my FIRST TIME ON THE SHOW! DON’T MAKE ME PUT A SCORPION UP ME NUNNY!”
Jimmy: “Sarah, if you could just entertain the thought, because if you did, I’M NOT SAYING NOW, but if you did…FIVE MINUTES before a gynecological appointment…and you went ‘I’ve got a bit of an itch…'”
Stephen: “You would be the subject of a medical paper that would be published round the WORLD!”

Sarah, on bugs: “I’ve got a rule that, if it comes in my house, then I’m allowed to kill it…”
Stephen: “Right. So how many Jehovah’s witnesses…”
Sarah loses it.
Alan: “You may be laughing, but…”
Stephen: “Under the floorboards…”

Stephen: “What shouldn’t you breathe in if you’re a stink-ant?”
Johnny: “You’re friend’s anus.”
Jimmy: “…I think that’s a general rule. I don’t think…”

GI happens with 8 minutes left in the show, and we’ve yet to hit a klaxon, even with Johnny Vegas on the panel. Weird, weird show.

Stephen: “Name an vertebrate with no backbone.”
Jimmy: “NICK CLEGG!”
Hell, there’s some nice audience response from this one!

Stephen: “What’s the strongest creature for its weight in the world?”
Jimmy: “…is it Johnny?”

With four minutes left to go, Johnny finally gets the first klaxon by guessing that oyster catchers eat oysters.

Stephen: “Which animal has the most genes?”
Alan: “Des Lynum…oh, or Jeremy Clarkson.”
KLAXON

Once again, Alan nabs the ‘Nobody Knows’ bonus, because, again, it occurs late in the show and he’s the only one still thinking about it.

Johnny ends up winning, which he’s legitimately excited about. I don’t know how it happened, but it did.

Overall: I had moments of skepticism, but this show turned into a surprise hit thanks to the insect-eating runner that just kept on giving throughout the show. All four had great showings, and great lines, with Johnny somehow bringing up the rear despite having some really nice lines. Sarah had a great debut, already getting the spirit of the show. Jimmy had the best night, just supplanting everyone’s jokes and giving great lines. Wasn’t expecting to enjoy this one as much as I did.

MVP: Jimmy
Best Guest: Sarah
Show Winner: Johnny
Best QI Fact: The spore killing ants
Best Runner: Edible insects.

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QI Watchdown: I4 (Indecision), or ‘IT’S TRUE, GIRLFRIEND!’

So far, this season of QI has been more than making up for the quieter, less amusing Series H. Up next, we have a combination that’s never really failed on QI, and that’s Jimmy Carr, Phill Jupitus and Rich Hall. All 3 have carried funny episodes on their own, and all three are wholly capable of collaborating.

Right off the bat, Stephen asks why someone was thrown out of the Magic Circle.
Jimmy: “Was he using…REAL magic?”

Phill reveals the trick was ‘find the Lady’, or ‘3-card Monty’ as they call it in America.
Jimmy: “I rather prefer calling it ‘3-Card Monty’ myself, because…’Find the Lady’…I had a really bad experience in Thailand once…”
Stephen: “Did you feel a bit of a dick?”
HA!

Phill, on the ‘Find the Lady’ demonstration: “…right, you three put money on a card each, and I’ll stick this [hundred] in a lady’s knickers from the audience…”
Stephen: “That’s a whole different game. That’s a whole other lady to find.”
Phill, standing by it: “There’s a lady that’s put her hand up, Stephen…”
Stephen: “She put her hand up what?”
Phill: Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 12.24.57 AM.png

During Stephen’s discussion on tossing, as he holds a wad of money up, someone from the audience sprints onstage, yells ‘AAAH!’, grabs the money and leaves, prompting an audible ‘what the fuck?’ from Stephen.
There’s a few beats where nobody really knows what to think.
Stephen, finally: “…I think somebody thought it was real money.”
Alan, to the audience: “I’M NOT IN ON THAT! I just want you all to know…”

Great moment: Stephen asks, in all earnest, who expected the Spanish Inquisition.
Jimmy: “Was it, uh…no.”
The fact is that they were all waiting to make the Monty Python reference…none of them actually did.

Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 12.30.38 AM.pngJimmy: “Was it the Klu Klux Klan? Because those two fellows…”
Phill: “I’m sorry, I thought that was the Pet Shop Boys…”

Stephen: “The fact is that the Spanish Inquisition always gave you 30 days notice.”
Phill:
Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 12.32.15 AM.png
Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 12.31.40 AM

Stephen, trying to continue: “If you were selected to be-”
Phill, miming a phone call: “Hello, is there a Mr. Rabinowitz? Yeah, it’s the Inquisition here…HOW AAARE YOU…listen, we’re gonna come ’round and we’re gonna pull your balls through your mouth.”
Jimmy: “We’re in the area…but only for the next 30 days…”
Rich: “So ya had to wait around the house all day. They’d be there ‘between 8 and 5’…”
Stephen: “Yeah, ‘torture my neighbor, I won’t be in’…”

Rich guesses the Spanish Inquisition was started in 1483, which Stephen is dumbfounded by, as it’s shocking close.
Stephen: “Was that a guess?”
Rich: [starts dealing out the fake money from earlier.]

Stephen: “It’s actually 1478, but you’re 5 years off-”
Rich: “Well originally it was 5 years- they’d call you and say they were coming around within the next 5 years…”

In the audience tonight is a winner of the IgNobel Prize, a guy who did research on scrotal asymmetry.
Jimmy: “I’ve got an issue- maybe you could help, because you’re an expert…”
Chris: “Perhaps I should examine you afterwards, it’s probably easier…”
Jimmy: “I think I should explain- one of mine is bigger than the other two…”

Chris: “Usually the right one is higher, and the left one is lower…and that’s the normal way around…”
Rich: “wait a minute…”
Phill: Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 12.43.33 AM.png
Stephen: “PHILL, IT’S OKAY…”

Chris brings up the Aristotelian theory that testicles were used as sort of ‘weights’ to lower voices in people.
Jimmy: “And that’s NOT the case?”
Phill: “THAT is why Barry White never ran marathons…”

Phill, noticing the mouse on the behind-screen: “I think…if I were to stage an all-mouse production of West Side Story…”

Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 12.49.14 AM.png

Alan: “The way this is set up, though, it does look like the hippo’s slowly sneaking up on the mouse…”

Stephen: “What could an Irishman never be if he didn’t have nipples.”
Rich: “SYMMETRIC!”

Stephen asks what the tactic is to make the correct decision, and he gives a hint by taking a drink.
Phill: “Drink lots of water!”
Stephen: “Yes, so that in forty minutes’ time-”
Alan: “You’ll be in the loo and you won’t have to make the decision…”

Stephen confirms that people make their best decisions when they really have to go to the loo.
Phill, absolute disbelief: “SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”
Stephen: “IT’S TRUE, GIRLFRIEND!”

Phill: “I think I’m gonna do Celebrity Mastermind now. Just 20 bottles of Evian before I go on…”
And he just starts writhing around, uncontrollably, in his seat, needing a wee.
Phill: “RED! ORANGE! HITLER! I’VE GOTTA GO, JOHN!”
Jimmy: “Red Orange Hitler- I’m trying to think what that would be the answer to…WHAT IS YOUR SPECIALIST SUBJECT???”
Phill, naturally: “…PAINTING!”

There’s a great moment that goes unnoticed by half the room. Stephen talks of twins that committed a robbery, and went unconvicted because police couldn’t tell them apart.
Jimmy: “What if they were conjoined twins?”
Alan, in the background: “If we get caught, split up!”
Phill laughs here, but Stephen’s explaining so nobody else really does.

There’s a discussion on Identity Parades, and Stephen brings up the money-thief from earlier, and SURE ENOUGH…
Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 1.13.04 AM.png
Stephen: “Was it #1, Stealing Our Money
or #2, stealing our hearts…or is it just me?
#3, stealing himself for a spanking
or #4…stealing a format idea from Never Mind the Buzzcocks…”

Before Phill can even respond, Rich gets an idea:
Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 1.14.41 AM.pngScreen Shot 2017-06-05 at 1.14.28 AM.png

Stephen asks everyone to give who they thought the culprit was, and asks Phill to go first.
Jimmy: “This isn’t fair, Phill’s had much more experience in this game than any of us…PHILL’S BUILT A CAREER on this game…”
Alan: “…he knows which one is in the Kooks…”
Phill does laugh at this one.
Phill: “Just stick a bass-player in there for me…”

Stephen, post-ID Parade: “Shows it isn’t always useful having an ID Parade-”
Phill: “It is on a pop quiz…”
Rich: “I got it right, too! You know how I got it right? I wet my pants!”

Stephen, top of GI: “Who was the first person to go ’round the world in 80 days?”
Jimmy: “Michael Palin…”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “REALLLY?”

Stephen discloses it’s a real person, and that it’s not Phileas Fogg
Alan: “BLUE WHALE!”

I will say…I’m kind of disappointed that none of the panelists knew it was Nellie Bly because I knew that from a Hollywood Squares question.

Stephen, on finding the genitalia of chicks, phrases it as “in 1929, the Japanese finally found a way to sex chicks, and-”
Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 1.25.02 AM.png

Stephen: “1927, at the World Poultry Congress in Ottawa, it was-”
Phil, in hysterics: “THE *WHAT?*”
Alan: “That is a LOT of chickens…”
Phill: “WOULD THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM ALBANIA MAKE HIMSELF KNOWN!” “ALLLLBANIAN CHICKEN!”

Stephen says that may have been a very big gig at one point, and Jimmy says ‘I probably did the last 15 minutes of it one year without knowing it.”
Stephen: “We’ve all been there. I once did Phillips’ Small Appliances.”
Alan, taking this the exact wrong way: “Poor boy…”
Stephen: “It was a long time ago-”
Alan: “Leave his appliances alone!”
Stephen: “…which is why I won’t have him in the house anymore…”

Stephen: “And the Zen-Nippon Chicken Sexing School was founded…”
Phill:
Screen Shot 2017-06-05 at 1.30.10 AM.png

Jimmy: “…and you’re looking at a graduate!”

Stephen, on sexing techniques: “You’re not going to like this- they do a slight squeeze-”
Alan: “And if they go ‘OW!’- GIRL.”
Jimmy: “and if they go…’steady on, mate’…”

Stephen: “In Norfolk, there is a community of Vietnamese Turkey Sexers…”
Phill: “I CAN NEVER WATCH PLATOON AGAIN!! YOU RUINED APOCALYPSE NOW FOR ME!”
Stephen: “I’m sorry-”
Phill, miming a gun to his head: “WHAT SEXY CHICKEEEEENNN…YOU TELL ME NOWWWWW..”
Stephen: “I know it sounds-”
Alan: “They live in tunnels under the fence…”

It’s great- Stephen asks what direction the moon sets in, and I already know there are two running gags that could be in play here. Rich, thankfully, sets off one by going “which moon are we talking about here, Stephen…”
KLAXON
Rich turns around in awe.
Jimmy: “This show is getting TOUGH…”

I am very sad that when Stephen asks ‘where does the moon set’, Phill didn’t buzz in and go ‘IT’S NOT THERE!’ But at least we got a ‘Rich and Cruithne’ moment out of this.

Phill wins, and he’s absolutely flustered. He turns to Alan and goes “I don’t know how that happened. I have NO IDEA how that happened…”

Overall: Our 3rd A+ of the season, and we’re already four episodes in. Jesus, Series I is just THAT GOOD. The panel was even sharper than it’s been all series, with literally everyone jumping in at all times, even Rich, who acted like he did back in Series B tonight, even if he did bring up the rear in the edit. Jimmy also had a good night, but his jokes didn’t always hit. Alan and Phill were tremendous tonight, not only in giving some of the best lines of the show, but just having so much fun together, joking aside and helping each other out with jokes. You can tell Phill and Alan are quite friendly outside the show. A ton of moments, like the Chicken Sexing discussion, Rich bringing up Cruithne again, and Phill getting yet another ID Parade, truly stand out.

MVP: Alan
Best Guest: Phill
Show Winner: Phill
Best QI Fact: Chicken Sexing
Best Runner: Rich and the fake money.

QI Watchdown: I1 (I-Spy)

It’s been a while since I’ve done a QI episode, so I might as well FINALLY get onto Series I, which has been described as the ‘last of the Golden Age’. To be honest, I don’t know how the dynamic’s going to be tonight- on one hand, you have Lee Mack, who’ll probably keep the panel in disarray, and on the other, you have Sandi Toksvig, who’ll try to keep the panel in order. And then you have Jimmy Carr ebbing and flowing in between. Interesting to see how it goes.

Alan’s back to his James-May-esque long hair in this episode.

The buzzers are actually pretty amusing:
Sandi: a sexy ‘aye, aye…”
Jimmy: a captain’s ‘AYE, AYE!”
Lee: a German “AY YI YI YI YIIIEEE”
Alan: “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…”

Also new this season is our first big season-long runner since the Elephant card, which is the Nobody Knows card- once per episode, there will be a question that legitimately has no recorded answer, and they’ll play the card at that point.

Stephen asks for the difference between an Ai and an Ai-Ai. Sandi correctly says that it’s a sloth, but Stephen asks for what an Ai-Ai is-
Jimmy: “…Two sloths?”

Stephen reports that the Ai only comes down from its tree to defecate.
Jimmy: “Surely the whole benefit of living in a tree is you can just…”
Stephen: “…poo on whomever you’d like?”
Lee: “Maybe they’ve got a downstairs toilet?”
Alan: “Yeah, once you’ve had it put in, you’ll want to use it…”

Sandi inches closer by guessing it’s a Lemur.
Stephen: “Right, which means it can only come from one place…”
Lee: “OOH! Bradford!”

Sandi: “I’d imagine the animal on the left has an easier job finding a well-fitting hat.”
Lee: “…and a girlfriend.”

After Lee describes a Jimmy joke as just two old codgers on the streets trading insults about their wives.
Stephen: “They do that on the streets of New York, only with ‘yo momma’…”
Lee, channeling Rob Beckett: “They do what with my momma?”
Screen Shot 2017-05-19 at 10.32.03 PM.png

Stephen does slide in one really nice joke about the Navy: “D’you know how they separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar.”

Stephen: “Why won’t the Mona Lisa stop staring at you?”
Jimmy: “I mean…she’s only human…”

Stephen describes the phenomena of eyes following you around the room on a painting.
Lee: “What if you’re behind her? That only works with paintings of owls…”

Stephen, still to Lee: “There are other paintings- what’s the most famous painting in the Wallace Collection in London?”
Lee: “…you know you’re looking at the wrong person, eh?”

Lee brings up a very good, and correct, point about looking through the artist’s eyes, instead of just looking for the subject’s eyes. Sandi, for some reason, keeps batting this down, calling it inconsequential, while Lee now has to sort of fight to keep the idea alive.
Sandi: “You know what? In a really nice way, Lee, I’m going to say I don’t think you fully understood it.”
…Even though that is played for laughs, that’s an insanely condescending thing to say to a person on national television.
Even Lee goes “if you had changed the word ‘nice’ to ‘patronizing’, then that would have made sense…”

Stephen shows an example, a sculpture of Einstein that looks like it’s going outward when in reality it’s buckling inward. Jimmy, wowed, goes “…oh, you’re twisting my melon, man…”
Shaun Ryder would be proud.

Jimmy’s absolutely wowed by this phenomena, and is even more wowed that his eyes make the same mistake when it goes round a second time.
Lee: “Listen, we’re not gonna fall for it this time…”

Jimmy: “Are we gonna bother with the rest of the show? Because I could happily watch this all day…”

Stephen: “There is this whole science called gaze detection, and it’s-”
Stephen then realize it may have another meaning, and everyone’s already gotten it. Jimmy’s just going “DON’T LOOK AT ME…”
Lee: ‘Oh, it’s a SCIENCE, is it Stephen???”

Sandi talks about going to a wedding in front of a huge field, and as people were taking photos of the couple, “there was a horse in the background with the most…gigantic…areas of expertise I’ve ever seen…and that’s all you can see in the photographs! They couldn’t actually crop it out, it was so large…”

Sandi tells another anecdote about rafters on the Zambezi who bring dogs with them incase they’re attacked by a crocodile.
Alan: “…and they throw the dog at the crocodile?”
Stephen: “…as a peace offering?”
Sandi: “Yes, as a sort of a tapas…”
Jimmy: ‘And, sorry, did your boat have a dog, or did they just have YOU…’We’ve got a small lady from the BBC we’re using…”

Stephen: ‘Who finished off Russia’s Greatest Love Machine?”
Lee: “BONEY M!”
Alan: “…I can’t believe that hasn’t set [the klaxon] off…”

Stephen talks of a prohibition-era scheme to get people to sign life insurance and let them drink themselves to death.
Jimmy: “Had they not met Irish people before??”

Alan’s joyously riffing this bit as it’s going on, already going “they ran out of booze!”, and “we’re gonna need a bigger pub!” as Stephen’s talking.

There’s this whole story about this guy Mike Malloy, who survives several drink-related attempts on his life, including drinking antifreeze, turpentine, and being stuck naked in the snow covered in ice water. He’s eventually killed by someone sticking a gas hose down his throat, which the audience responds to with ‘awwws’
Jimmy: “But BEFORE THAT, when they were trying to kill the man…you were going ‘well that just sounds like bloody good fun! But with the gas hose, you went ‘that’s not playin’ straight…it’s an interesting morality you’re working with…Take a good, hard look at yourself..”

Stephen, wrapping it up: “Well, that’s the story of durable Mike Malloy”
Jimmy: “Did he tell you that?”
Lee: “AND HE’S HERE TONIGHT!…and he comes in naked, full of gas…’OH, THEY DIDN’T GET ME, YA KNOW…”

Stephen: “There are a few myths on the internet that most people might eat eight spiders a year…”
Sandi: “OOF…”
Jimmy: ‘No, the myth is that when you’re sleeping, spiders crawl down your throat.”
Sandi: “Oh, please, PLEASE tell me that’s not true…”
Stephen: “It’s not true…often.”
Lee: “No worries, it’s not true- it’s hedgehogs!”

Stephen, top of GI: “What can you tell me about the lifespan of this lobster?”
Lee: “I dunno, but look at the size of the fish he’s just caught…”
Screen Shot 2017-05-19 at 11.21.21 PM.png

Stephen mentions that it’s not possible to know how old a lobster is, and Sandi adds that some may be sitting on the ocean floor the size of submarines…but we learn that the largest, on record, was “oh, 3 and a half foot long.”
Lee: “That’s a lot smaller than a submarine…”
Stephen, taking him literally: “Yes, it’s a lot smaller than this studio…it’s a lot smaller than many things, but it’s the largest lobster that’s been caught.”
Lee: “Sandi did say that there may be ones the size of a submarine…”
Stephen: “Oh, sorry, I missed that bit…”
Lee: “Just so you know, I didn’t just RANDOMLY say “THREE-AND-A-HALF FOOT…I’VE GOT AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT THREE-AND-A-HALF FOOT! LOT SMALLER THAN A SUBMARINE! BACK TO YOU, STEPHEN!”
Stephen: “I’m sorry, I’ve gotten too used to you saying rather stupid things…and I apologize, on bended knee.”
Lee: “What, stupid things like ‘lobsters can live forever and grow to the size of submarines?’ That kind of thing?”

Sandi, just noticing: “What doesn’t make sense is that in the photo, if it’s underwater it shouldn’t be red…”
Stephen: “Ah?”
Sandi: “No, it should be black-”
KLAXON.
Who’d of thought that Sandi, who tried to out-intelligent Lee earlier, would wind up with the first klaxon of Series I?

Stephen, still on lobsters: “They also, rather like the people of Doncaster, they communicate by urinating…”

Jimmy complains about having to pee, on this discussion of peeing in a bag, so Sandi hands over the inward Einstein sculpture from earlier as Stephen vocally rejects the idea.
Jimmy: “Which side do I piss into? I can’t tell?”
Lee: “GET IT THE RIGHT WAY ‘ROUND, JIMMY!”
Sandi: “D’you know…I never thought I’d see Einstein in that position…”
Jimmy: “Not so clever now, are ya?”
Stephen, making the obvious joke: ‘Suddenly it’s…PEE = MC squared!”

Lee gets a klaxon by pronouncing ‘Ye Olde Pork Pie Shoppe’ incorrectly, so after Ye is revealed as just The, he incorrectly does Olde and Shoppe again.
Lee: “Okay, at least I’ll get this one…pie!”
Stephen: ‘YES!”
The audience even applauds this one.
Jimmy: “How Northern is that? If someone’s just flicked onto this show, and they go ‘oh, Lee Mack’s on’, and they you just go ‘PIE’ and there’s a round of applause.”

Stephen: “What went up by 57% during the Blitz?”
Jimmy: “…house prizes?”
Lee: “Was it Mother Brown’s knees?”
(-_-)

Sandi wins, Alan loses, and Stephen ends with a quote from Yogi Berra, though I wouldn’t be shocked if half the viewing audience had no idea who Yogi Berra even was.

Overall: MAJOR success going into Series I, with a panel that wasn’t afraid to connect with each other, with Stephen, and with concepts from earlier in the show. Lee Mack had the most composed show I’d seen him in, as he was willing to connect facts and keep the dynamic going, even with Sandi, with whom he had a major disagreement with tonight. Jimmy had some nice moments, but hasn’t really stood out in an episode since the early days. Sandi did vex me a bit tonight, but she still had a nice enough show, and Alan was kind of quiet but still himself. Tons of material, tons of fantastic moments, a truly impressive start to the series.

MVP: Lee
Best Guest: Jimmy
Show Winner: Sandi
Best QI Fact: Lobsters
Best Runner: Einstein sculpture.

QI Watchdown: H12 (Horses and Hunting)

Puzzler here, I’d say. This is the last episode of the season for Dara O’Briain, and for Jimmy Carr. Also, for some reason, sportscaster Claire Balding is here. Hey, whatever they want.

the first question concerns manure
Alan: “My mother used to scrape it from off the street…and put it in my dad’s hat. No…”

Claire says she actually doesn’t think horse poo is that bad, at least not compared to dog poo.
Jimmy: “Hang on, are we comparing poos now, is this what the game is? If so, then this show has CHANGED!”

Jimmy says that slipping on a banana peel came from the actual trend of slipping on horse manure.
Dara: “You see, that makes a lot of sense, because I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever slipped on a banana pee-”
Alan raises his hand.
Jimmy: “That is a COMMITMENT to comedy…”
Stephen: “Was this in comedy school, or once you graduated…”
Alan: “No, this was in the chapel market, in Islington…”

Stephen says that the motorcar saved the roads in New York, after the horse manure problem
Jimmy: “Did Jeremy Clarkson put you up to this?”

On the advantage to a guide-horse over a guide-dog
Alan: “Won’t shag the leg of every random passerby…”
Jimmy: “Though, if it does, I think it’s more of a problem…”

Stephen says a disadvantage would be in a bar or restaurant, a dog could at least curl up or hide under the table, and a horse couldn’t. Alan and Dara just start miming leaving a horse in the bar. Alan even goes “You go home, I’m gonna STAY…”

Dara compares a horse getting up out of bed to a video game character.
Alan, deadpan: “Dara hasn’t played a video game since the 1980’s…”
Dara looks at him like “…yeah, maybe, but…”

On what horses can’t do.
Jimmy: “They can’t vomit. And that’s why they get that…weird thing, where they die.”
Alan: “Can’t get the ol’ hoof down the throat…”

Stephen: “When did humans start using dogs as a guide-”
Jimmy: “I reckon it’s gonna be something like Roman.”
Stephen: “You’re absolutely right…”
Jimmy: “It’s always Roman, innit? Have you not seen this show before?”

Stephen: “How would you use one of THESE to calm a horse down?”
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 8.45.31 PM.png
Alan: “Calm it down? What I’m thinking of’s not gonna calm it down…”
Jimmy: “Have these been used? Cause if they are what I think they are, I don’t think I wanna touch it…”

After Claire gets the question right
Stephen: “She knows, she knows…”
Dara, the voice of reason: “Of COURSE she knows, she’s Claire Balding!”
Claire: “I couldn’t let Alan get any more, but I thought ‘oh, yeah, might as well give ‘im a go, but he was nearly right…”

Dara and Alan are playing around with the horse prop
Jimmy: “Is this like Whose Line is it Anyway, from, like, 10 years ago?”
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 8.49.23 PM.png

Stephen talks about how bulldogs were trained and bred to pull down bulls by their lips, but it’s unclear how successful they were judging by the photo:
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 8.52.20 PM.png
Alan: “…hasn’t gone so well in that picture, has it?”

Stephen: “How do you do the opposite [to a horse]?”
Dara: “…just hit ’em in the nada…”
Stephen: “Further back, actually…”
Dara: “Really, in the bum?”
Stephen: “Yes, but what, in the bum, is what I want to know”
Dara: “Well, anything, really, is gonna get you afraid…”
Jimmy: “I think it’s more the act of putting it in there.”
Alan, buzzing in: “Ice cube. Or…a  popsicle…”
Jimmy: “Sounds like there won’t be a story there…”
Alan: “Brings me back to the hot summer of ’76…”
Dara: “‘We’re always out of popsicles!’ ‘AGAIN?'”

Claire: “I always liked the milk ones…”
Stephen: “But purely for consumption, right Claire?”
Dara: “Yeah, I really don’t think flavor is a major issue when you talk about the ones you shove up your ass…”

Dara, on Westerns on TV: “Bit of a letdown, Champion the Wonder-Horse. Because it was a great title sequence. ‘CHAMPIOOON, THE WON-DER HORSE’ ‘WHEEEEHH’ That’s kind of all he did.”
Alan: “In the end, y’now, he’s a horse…so…”
Dara: “If they cut to Champion taking a blind person shopping, then…”

Stephen: “What is this sound?”
[Sound clip plays]
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 9.17.16 PM.png
Jimmy: “…I’m gonna say it’s that bear.”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “WHAT? In the conventions of television, if you show a picture of something…”

There’s a question about online hunting, which leads to this visual:
Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 9.22.21 PM.png
Claire, on the photo: “Always look ahead, Jimmy…”
Dara: “I’m sorry, are you commenting on his horsemanship here? Claire…that’s not actually him on the horse…”

Screen Shot 2016-12-29 at 9.25.09 PM.pngAlan: “He’s got that all wrong…straight away. ‘GET OFF MAH LAND!’ ‘Uhhh the gun…is not in your hands…”

Stephen: “What happened to the war-horses that survived?”
Alan: “They…settled in the south of France, opened a Caravan park?”
Jimmy: “Of course, they couldn’t learn the language. Had to end up moving back.”

For the first time ever, or since David’s been on, a klaxon has been specifically engineered for Claire Balding. Stephen asks what color the Lone Ranger’s horse it. Claire, being a horse expert, guesses grey…and it’s wrong. Alan, being Alan, guesses white…and is correct.

Stephen: “Although all thoroughbred grays are descended from one gray…”
Alan: “Jesus.”
Stephen: “…it was a wild stab in the dark. If it would have come off, my god would you have gotten points…”

Stephen: “How many horsepower do you get from one horse.”
Dara and Jimmy argue about which one will actually take the fall.
Jimmy: “Shall I take the bullet? Alright, I’d say about one.”
KLAXON

Stephen: “What weapon did 19th century whalers use to kill whales?”
Alan, hesitantly: “…arrrre ya lookin’ for a harpoon?”
KLAXON

Yes, Claire wins, but I kind of thought she’d win by more than one…

Overall: One of the weaker installments of the already middle-of-the-road Series H. Not that this didn’t have some fun moments, it’s just that the presence of Claire, while welcome, stopped a lot of the more collaborative jokes from happening, and it really never got off the ground. A few questions led to some nice conversations, and Dara had a funny night, while Jimmy played a Jupitus-esque game and argued against his klaxons, but…it was an imperfect, quieter show.

MVP: Dara
Best Guest: Jimmy
Show Winner: Claire
Best QI Fact: seeing eye horse.

QI Watchdown: H4 (Humans)

Onto another QI, featuring four very dry people, that hopefully will work well off each other. Jo and Jimmy are making their first appearances this season, and Jack Dee is returning after batting down Phill and Ross a few episode ago.

Jo’s buzzer is a bubbling, croaking swamp noise. After a beat, she turns to Stephen and goes “I really DO go like that…”

Stephen: ‘Describe the perfect man.”
Jo: “A dead one.”
Stephen, faux-astonished: “JO BRAND!”

Stephen, going over the DaVinci proportions: “Your head is about an eighth of your body height”
Jo: “Your head’s about a quarter of your body height.”
Stephen: ‘IS IT??”
Jo: “Yeah, because your brain’s so massive…”

Stephen: ‘The fact is there are millions of them around Italy. Why is that?”
Jack: “Beermats”
Stephen: “NOT….BEERMATS…”

Stephen: “Well, people call him Leonardo, and Da Vinci is just the place he came from. Name some other painters like that…”
Jo: “Leonardo Da…Stratton….”
Stephen: “…not quite…”
Jack: “Rolf of Australia.”
Stephen: “…That is true. How can I take that away from you?”
Man, Jo and Jack are just having fun annoying Stephen tonight.

Stephen: “It’s like cooks. Delia. Nigella. Jamie.”
Alan: “Jamie….Da Essex.”
Stephen: “That’s the one!”

Stephen: “How would you spot a neanderthal on the bus?”
Jack: “If he comes and sits next to me…”
Jo: “He’s the one…already sitting next to me, because I’m married to him.”
Stephen: “Is this going to be the ‘humiliate my husband’ show?”
Jo: “Yeah, he doesn’t watch this, it’s alright…”
Stephen: “Oh, fine.”
Jimmy: “He doesn’t really understand it.”

I’m glad someone finally called Jo out about all the husband-bashing, even if that is her schtick.

Stephen: “Why would you need to take a fossil into a nightclub”
At this exact moment, a picture of Peter Stringfellow appears on the behind-screen. Jo has already buzzed in, sees this, and goes on anyway.
Jo: “If you were at Stringfellow’s, you wouldn’t need to…”

Stephen: “Which bit of you is evolving the quickest?”
Jo: “Is it my propeller?”
Stephen: “…did you say your propeller?”
Jo: “What, did you say ‘revolving’?”
Stephen: “No, EEEVOLVING!”
Man, this is also a great episode for Jimmy Carr’s laugh. He’s laughing more than he’s saying things tonight. The curmudgeons, Jo and Jack, are taking hold.

Jimmy: ‘There’s a thing that lives in the sea that has a sort of propeller-like mechanism, and it-”
Jo: “Is that a boat??”
Jo, somehow, is absolutely killing it tonight.

Jack’s talking about breeding long-necked people to have a ‘giraffe family’
Alan: “I saw a family fortunes once…”
Jimmy: “Here we go, back to my level…”
Alan: “The question was ‘Name a Bird with a Long Neck’. And the guy said Naomi Campbell…”
Stephen: “It’s like my favorite one on Weakest Link. They said ‘What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pinor Noir’, and he said ‘Footballer’s Wives!”
Alan: “My favorite one is ‘Name a Dangerous Race’. And the guy said The Arabs!”
(Stephen loses it here)
Alan: “I don’t know if they were hoping for ‘Grand Master’ or something…”

Stephen puts a picture of a little scrawny rodent on the behind screen.
Jimmy: “Oh my god, how did you get a picture of my scrotum? It’s got the teeth and everything.”

Jack tells a story involving a German man who posted on the internet that he wanted to eat a person, and someone responded. He does this whole story in these German accents, very similar.
Jimmy: “Did they get confused because they both sounded alike?”

Jimmy tells a similar story: “He had ‘im all tied up and he was going to eat him, and then he said ‘aw…I don’t really fancy it’…and they watched Ocean’s Twelve instead, and then he went home.”
Jack: “Yeah, I’ve seen Ocean’s Twelve. I’m not so sure that was a good deal.”
Alan: “Yeah, I’d rather be eaten.”

Stephen: “What is the point of teenagers?”
Jo: “Are they the only group that you’re legally allowed to punch?”

Stephen: “Who’s the fastest human runner of all time”
Jimmy: “I’m gonna go Usain Bolt”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “What, did you not see him on telly? The guy’s called BOLT for god’s sakes! What more could you need?”

Stephen puts up a picture of an Ancient Greek bath house. Jimmy, all of the sudden, spots something in the corner that looks very similar to someone being blown by another man.
Jimmy: “WHAT’S GOING ON OVER THERE??? IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN…and his Mrs. is just WATCHING! He’s probably showing HER how to do it…”

There’s a great moment where they’re asked what disease a mosquito gives you. They all just sort of look around for a few seconds, and Jo just sort of looks at Jack and goes “GO ON…” Jack has no choice but to buzz in with ‘malaria.’

You know this is a weird episode because Jo, not only does she win, but she didn’t get any Klaxons. That’s miraculous!

Overall: A lightweight show without any real highlights. The main gags tonight were beginning-of-question ones, and the conversations didn’t elicit a ton of good lines. Jimmy and Alan were quieter tonight, as Jack and Jo did most of the work, which is nice.

MVP: Jack
Best Guest: Jo
Show Winner: Jo
Best QI Fact: Blacklight fossils

Nevermind Watchdown: S14E4 or IT’S GETTING BUC-CAN-EER! SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!

As if this season didn’t have enough momentum already, here comes a Jimmy Carr episode.

Tony Wilson, famous record promoter, is back with us. New players are Alistair Griffin, who was on Fame Academy, and Carol Decker, who was in T’Pau.

The show opens with a british army soldier searching Mark’s mouth for Saddam Hussein. Kinda sums up the tone of this episode.

Mark asks how misuse of a telephone got Ike Turner in trouble.
Jimmy: “Was it used to call the police?”
Mark: “I’m gonna give you a point for that, because if it went to trial, I think you’d win.”

Jimmy: “So, the lyrics then were ‘Ooh Aah Ooh Aah Ooh Aah Ooh Aah’? So, she wrote that then?”
Mark: “She might have done it. It was a Wurzles tribute record.”
Bill: “Are you inpuning the Wurzles?”
Mark: “No, I was saying that Ooh Aah…are you telling me that the Wurzles never said ‘Ooh Aah’?”
Bill: “No, they didn’t. They started out as a German Expressionist Synth Band.”
Mark: “And their expression was ‘Ooh Aah.’
Bill: “They sold out. They went all ‘Ooh Aar.’

Mark asks what Pete Townshend did with a hearse.
Phill: “Did he knick one, but, like, DURING a funeral?”
Mark: “What, a really slow getaway? Driving ten miles an hour, out of respect.”

Tony: “Does the crime involve Jimmy Savile?”
Mark: “….No.”
Phill: “Cause Savile was a very astute businessman. Maybe he had a fleet of hearses. SavileCabs. ‘Hey, we’ve got te pick up UC over there, now get in da hearse.”

Jimmy: ‘it has something to do with cricket.”
Mark: “It’s the theme to cricket, but we’re looking for the title.”
Jimmy: “Stumpy Bats?”
Mark: “How did you know my nickname at school?”
Bill: “It’s like stumpy bats.”
Mark: “We have to call them little people now…”

Mark, because Tony’s not getting a damn thing in Intros, just says the entire answer (‘hold me close by David Essex’), TWICE, so he can get it.
Tony: “When you said ‘Hold me close, by David Essex’…was that a clue?”
Mark just looks at him for a second.

For the 1st ID Parade, for #5, Mark brings back the dancing to the Del Shannon guitar break, which is still very funny.

Mark, after another Bill line: “Did someone give him Nesquik before the show? He always gets a little…boing!”
Bill: “And a couple of lines…”

For Phill’s ID Parade…oh lord. The actual D-Ring member is #1. There’s 3 pirates. And one guy who looks like Athelston, but isn’t him. Man, this just keeps getting better.
Mark even goes: “IT’S GONNA BE A TOUGH ONE, THIS ONE…”

#5, which made me laugh, is “…IT’S GETTIN’ BUC-CAN-NEER! SO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!”

Mark: “I’d like to point out as well that our normal #2, Athelston, who’s always in the lineup? He was busy. So we’ve got a tribute Athelston. We’re hoping to get him next week, but he’s gotten a bit big-headed and all…”
Phill, looking over the panel: “And as the honor guard from the Swiss navy meet the Zambian ambassador…”

Mark, doing a Next Line: “And I find it kind of funny, and I find it kind of sad- it’s a review of this show!”

Mark: “I love your work action”
Jimmy: “Thanks very much.”
Mark: “…lovely work, frying pan face…”

Mark: “I know a girl from a lonely street”
Bill, thinking it’s Lonely Goatherd, yodels
Mark absolutely loses it
Mark: ‘Yes, it was Debbie Harry in the Sound of Music”

Mark: “Stop…”
Allstair and Phill: “…in the name of love?”
Mark, shaking his head: “Hammer time…”

Overall: The last bit of this episode was cut off, but it was one of the weaker installments of the series thus far, even with another hysterical ID Parade. Tony and Carol were fun, and Jimmy Carr was Jimmy Carr (even though Mark was beginning to spar with him), but there wasn’t a ton of material between the panel. Very thin in that respect, though not without moments.

Best Regular: Bill
Best Guest: Jimmy
Best Runner: Ooh Aar Ooh Aar.

Nevermind Watchdown: S12E5, or THIS is the night you were born!

Not only does this episode feature three people that I’ve written about before, but one of them happens to be Jimmy Carr. So that’s pretty awesome there.

The other three are presenter Claudia Winkleman, Moloko’s Roisin Murphy, and R&B/soul singer Lisa Stansfield. All but Stansfield have been on before.

Mark, confirming that either Flock of Seagulls or Hall & Oates caught notorious Australian, “The Rusty Gun Bandit”
Bill: “Well, it doesn’t say how rusty- How rusty was the gun? Surely it’s a very poorly maintained firearm. It’s not actually going to work. Or he was a gun bandit, so he hadn’t done it for a while, so he was a bit rusty…”

After Bill says it’s Hall and Oates.
Claudia: “Do we get a point if we think it’s the other folk?”
Mark, knowing the answer: “Yeah.”
Claudia does actually give a pretty good reason as to why it would have been Flock of Seagulls.
Mark: “Well, the answer…is Hall and Oates.”

Phill: “I understand that [Craig David’s] pubes are shaved into an exact replica of the Hampton Court maze.”
Mark: “So the lice can’t escape?”

Jimmy: “Apparently Robbie Williams’ Angels is the #1 most requested song for funerals. Presumably, people are saying “over my dead body.”
Man, he’s so good for this show that Mark might have even written something close to that.

Claudia, still trying to defend Robbie Williams to Mark: “But Robbie is also a rebel-”
Mark: “How is he a rebel?? HE DANCES AND SINGS! Gandhi was a rebel. MANDELA was a rebel. HE’S an idiot!”
Claudia: “But he dyed his hair-”
Mark: “WOOOOOWWWWW!! GANDHI DIDN’T EVEN HAVE ANY!! THAT’S WHY HE WAS A REBEL. He was a rebel against HAIR…and the imperial yolk of British rule…”

Claudia gets up to do Intros, and we see that she’s incredibly pregnant. So as she’s dancing to the first one, Mark stops her.
Mark: “Claudia, could you please…just not dance for the rest of this? Cause FROM HERE… I mean, nothing in the world more beautiful than seeing that, but from the back…it looks like you’re trying to force it out from the wrong exit… Hey, when he’s old enough you can play him this video!”
Claudia: “I’m just getting involved.”
Mark, as Claudia keeps dancing: ‘THIS IS THE NIGHT YOU WERE BORN!”
Claudia, now cracking up and still doing guitar: “KA-WANG!”
Mark: “It was a period in my life where I would say ‘KA-WANG” for a living. I was booked on various novelty shows. I was known as the KA-WANG woman. And whatever people did I’d say KA-WANG! Then you popped out and changed things forever…”
Jimmy: “Isn’t that a Muslim Holy Book?”
Mark: ‘The KaWang? Yes.”

After the ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ Intro, Mark comes over and literally starts singing the song against the actual song, wildly and with a Mic, TO CLAUDIA AND PHILL. It’s a wonderful moment, and you can tell how much fun Mark is having.

Claudia: “#3 looks like he’s got good fingers.”
Jimmy: “Are you feeling slightly hormonal??”

Mark, introing the MJ impersonators: “Now, we didn’t want the real Michael Jackson in the studio, because we’ve already got Claudia dangling one over the balcony…”

Mark, Next Lines: “Your butt is mine. It is Michael Jackson.”
Bill: “Your butt is mine, half your nose, two ears and a leg…”

Overall: Another strong episode, mostly helped by Phill’s panel, featuring a very in-his-element Jimmy Carr, and a very pregnant and Mark-baiting Claudia. Roisin and Lisa were good, but quieter.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Claudia
Best Runner: Claudia’s having the baby.

 

QI Watchdown: G13 (Gothic)

Onto a rather dark episode, technically though not nominally the Halloween special, featuring two very dark comedians, Jack Dee and Jimmy Carr, and one that will eventually become one of QI’s more tenured ones, Sue Perkins.

Jimmy’s buzzer is a Shining-esque “HEEERE’S JIMMY!”, which he seems to enjoy. Sue’s is a Wilhelm Scream, which she seems flabbergasted by. Alan’s is “Arsenal, Nil, Norwich City, 3”, which Alan glares at Stephen for.

Sue’s description of the Goths: “The Goths were an ancient German tribe, I think, who wore crushed velvet and very, very thin drainpipe trousers, and spat in shopping centers.”

Stephen: “The Goths were actually Scandiwegian, and…you [Alan] look Scandiwegian-”
Sue: ‘Scandinavian and Glaswegian?”
Jimmy: “They sound dangerous!”

Jimmy: ‘BAD MONKS! There’s a good idea for a book.”
Jack: “They did that, it was called The DaVinci Code”
Jimmy: “They should have called it Bad Monks. It’s a film about some BAAAD monks! These monks have turned NASTY!”

Stephen: “Does Carpenter Gothic mean anything to you?”
Jimmy: “Carpenter Gothic? It was an interesting phase in their recording career. Cause she was quite skinny anyway, and she had the mascara…”

Stephen says the guy who painted American Gothic was Grant Wood.
Sue: “Grant Wood. Sounds like a porn star.”
Alan: “I GRANT WOOD! THANK YOU!”

Jimmy, on ‘Gothic’: “It’s great, because it makes me think the Goths sacked Rome…after being nagged about it by their mum for a fortnight.”

Jack: “I was a goth for a while.”
Stephen: “Were you?”
Jack: “Yeah, I was asked to leave because I was too miserable…”
Sue: “You were bringing them down?”
Alan: “I was an emu for a while…”

Jack: “What’s the difference between an emo and a goth? I’ve forgotten that…”
Alan: “One’s a flightless bird…”

Stephen: “Who painted Still Life with Sunflowers?”
Sue: “Van Goff.”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “No, then it’s Van Go-TH!”
KLAXON- VAN GOTH
Sue: “VAN GO!”
KLAXON- VAN GO
Sue: “GAAAHHHH!”
Jimmy: “OOH! Cezanne.”

Stephen: “There’s now a theory that Van Gogh’s ear was cut off by Gauguin.”
Jimmy: “Oh, it’s not pronounced Gauguin.”
Sue: “It’s HOOOOOOOCHHAAUN!”

Stephen: “Alan, you’re a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you bite Jack, and Jack, you bite Mel.”
Alan, correcting: “Sue.”
Sue looks confused and perturbed. Stephen just face palms. Jimmy does the Jimmy laugh.

Jimmy, on the zombie outbreak question: “I think it’s a trick question, because [Alan]’s a vegetarian. You wouldn’t bite me, I don’t think. You’d have a salad.”
Alan: “I wouldn’t CONSUME you, but I would be prepared to kill you, turn you into one of me, BWAHAHAHAHA!”
Jimmy: “AND THEN WE WILLLL ALL LIVE IN WINDMILLS AND SOLVE CRIMES!”
Fantastic link to Jonathan Creek, there.
Alan: “I LOOK like the character…not actually me.”
Jimmy: “Whereas Mel looks NOTHING LIKE HERSELF!”

Stephen reveals that people in Ghana can be buried in any object-shaped coffin they’d like. The picture shows a fish-coffin.
Jack: “Was he cremated or grilled?”

Jimmy’s got a lot of great lines about death. On dying too young, he says “there must be an age of which they die, where they say “naw actually, that’d be enough, that’ll do…”
Or, on ‘a loss in the family’ stones: “Well, everyone’s death is a loss in the family, so…”

Weird part about ‘see me rot dot com’, which is mentioned here, is that it’s not the first time i’ve been told about this. Ex-gf of mine. She was into some weird shit.

Stephen: “There are a lot of people who are deathly afraid of being buried alive.”
Alan: “I am quite afraid of it, now that you mention it…”

Stephen: “It has the biggest eyes of any animal relative to its head. The human equivalent to that-”
Jimmy: “-would be Natalie Imbruglia.”
Stephen: “They’re rather ugly…”
Jimmy: “I think she’s sexy…”

Stephen says this squid is able to “dazzle” anyone who tries to devour it.
Jimmy: “Its defense it to dazzle? Like, TA-DAAHHH!”
Sue, with a perfect analogy: ‘It’s the John Barrowman of deep-sea specimens…”

Stephen: “What’s the toughest way to become a mummy.”
Jimmy, after a thoughtful beat: “Reverse cowgirl?”
The audience applauds.
Stephen: “Now, they understand that. You’ll have to explain that to me.”
Jimmy: “i’m going to need a volunteer from the audience…”

On the town in florida that had 2/3rd of the US’s amputees in 1965.
Jack: “Did this town cost an arm and a leg to live there?”
Jimmy: “Is it the town where they put the diabetic clinic next to the donut shop?”
The audience literally has to stop and groan at that, in the midst of laughing. Jimmy’s even going “WHAT??”
Jimmy, going on: “Is it the town where the helicopter pad was next to the taxi rank?”

Stephen mentions it’s self-harming.
Sue: “Oh, uh, amputee-wannabes…I think I’ve made that sound…disrespectful…”

Stephen: “After the Vietnam war, who was buried in the tomb of the unknown soldier?”
Sue: “We don’t know. All of them were anonymous, weren’t they?”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “The whole nature of this show, it’ll mean, the unknown solider, he wasn’t a soldier, they KNEW him, and he wasn’t dead!”
Sue: “The unknown soldier was actually buried in a chili pepper in Ghana.”
Jack: “Was he an unknown soldier while he was still alive? He kept turning up, no one seems to notice. “How you doing? [whispered] who is that? I dunno!”

For the ‘saved by the bell’ question, Jack, narrowly dodging a question, gets it right by saying it’s a boxing reference. Alan says “I thought it was a reference to being buried alive.” AND HE STILL GETS A KLAXON.
Jimmy: “HOW COULD YOU GET IT WRONG AFTER HE’S GOT IT RIGHT?? That’s EXTRAORDINARY!”
Stephen: “Only Alan!”
Jimmy: “You were LITERALLY saved by the bell. He buzzed in and got it right, and you couldn’t say your stupid thing, AND YOU WENT THERE ANYWAY!! YOU’RE AMAZING!”

Stephen: “What can you tell me about Mozart’s burial?”
Jimmy: “Did they play Angels by Robbie Williams?”
(Don’t tell Mark Lamarr)

Alan ties for first for the second episode in a row, with Jack. Jimmy comes in last.

Overall: A very nice episode with four people that definitely came to play. I like Sue, because she’s not the funniest person on the panel, but she’s an outstanding connector, and she’s great in terms of a group dynamic, which this show THRIVES on. Jimmy had the best nice, and the best lines. Jack, like usual, stuck to the outskirts but always came in with some nice lines. Him and Rich Hall probably get along well, as they have the same humor.

MVP: Jimmy
Best Guest: Sue
Show Winners: Jack and Alan
Best QI Fact: Vampire Squid
Best Runner: Sue= Mel.

QI Watchdown: G11 (Gifts)

After a very heated regular-friendly show, we’re now onto a slightly less heated regular-friendly show. Jimmy and Clive are here, which should be nice, but also appearing tonight is Jan Ravens, someone who’s appeared on Whose Line, Mock the Week, and countless other shows. I don’t really remember much of her material though.

All the buzzers are songs that have ‘give me’ in them. Jimmy’s is ‘Gimme All Your Lovin’ by ZZ Top, which he likes. Jan’s is ‘Give me just a little more time.’ Clive’s is ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’ by ABBA, which he is initially confused by, but then gets REALLY into. You can even hear Jimmy laughing at this in the background. Alan’s, harkening back to his ‘new puppy’ intro, is ‘How much is that doggy in the window?’

Stephen: “What’s the most common gift sent to the US that is seized by customs?”
Jimmy, after getting momentarily distracted by his buzzer: “Mexicans?”

Clive is in a very good mood tonight, a very quizzical mood, and asks Stephen a few questions, “because you know everything.” I love Clive on the show because he’s the master of making conclusions, as well as making jokes.

So far, we haven’t heard a ton out of Jimmy, outside of his world-famous laugh, but we’ve heard a lot from Jan and Clive, which might set the tone for this show.

Stephen mentions that Obama gave Gordon Brown 25 DVDs of American Classics.
Jimmy: “Did Obama give him a copy of Nailin’ Palin?”
Stephen: “I beg your…*NAILIN’* Palin?”
Jimmy: “Yeah, Nailin’ Palin. It was a film, uh, made last year, about, uh, Sarah Palin.”
Stephen, getting it: “Oh, a porn movie…”
Jimmy: “Well, not a porn. Porn is a very subjective term. More…Gentlemen’s Special Interest.”

Clive: “Was she actually in it, or was it a looky-likey?”
Jimmy: “It was a looky-likey, BUT IT’LL DO!”

Stephen: “Name the world’s greatest cheapskate?”
Jan: “Was it…Diogenese the Cynic?”
Stephen: “Wow.”
Jimmy: “You’ve seen this show before, haven’t you? I think he’s slightly aroused!”

Stephen says that certain insects give gifts wrapped in “a balloon formed from the male’s anal secretions.”
Clive: “THAT’S JUST WHAT I WANTED, DARLING!”

Stephen: ‘Now, what would you call someone who never laughs?”
Alan, pointing towards the audience: “That bloke.”
Stephen: “You’re right…he hasn’t cracked a smile all evening.”
Alan: “He might be dead. Nudge ‘im.”

Jan is giving a lot of information and not a ton of jokes. And she’s supposed to be a comedian. Must be friends with Rory McGrath.

On a series of five famous portraits on the behind-screen.
Alan: “Bloke on the left, and bloke in the middle are the same.”
Jan: “On the left has been on a diet…”
Jimmy: “That’s an advert for the Chin Jim.”

This is an episode that is very high on facts, and is a very interesting show, but isn’t the world’s funniest, and doesn’t have as many break-down moments as the last one.

Alan tries on the helmet that was used to keep women from talking back in the day.
Stephen: “It fits you rather well…”
Alan, taking it off: “Sounds like you had an idea…”

Jimmy, after Alan’s taken it off a few times: “is it a device used for pigs when they’re constipated. I’m sure that’s what it was…”

Stephen: “What do you get when you cross a caterpillar with a butterfly.”
Alan: “A butterpillar.”
Stephen: “OHHHHHHH!
KLAXON
Man, even the joke answers are predictable.

Stephen: “Should have said the other one.”
Alan: “Oh. Caterfly”
Stephen: “GAAHHHHHH!”
KLAXON

Stephen says a man has put forward that caterpillars and butterflies are different species.
Jimmy: “Oh, okay. What he’s done there, is he’s not understood. Fair enough, because it is complicated and you might not…Was it Alan who put this forward?”

Stephen talks about a scientist who coursed electricity through a person’s body.
Jimmy: “Hang on, what year or Britain’s got Talent was that? That is a hell of an act. What, even Piers Morgan must have loved that.”

Stephen: “Where are 1% of all adults?”
Jimmy: “I imagine we can find out. We can use Google Earth, because some of them are quite big.”

Jimmy during the discussion about prisons says “i’d really like to make some sort of funny comment, but something must be done!” As it goes on, Jimmy, still serious, goes “it’s slavery by the backdoor…which is another video that I’ve got…”
Stephen even facepalms.

Jan wins. I’m not too surprised.

Overall: A slower, more fact-based episode, elevated solely by a really nice Jimmy Carr showing, and some good Clive lines. Jan was going too much for info and not enough for jokes.

MVP: Jimmy
Best Guest: Clive
Show Winner: Jan
QI Fact: Dance flies
Best Runner: Jimmy’s porn.

QI Watchdown: G4 (Geography)

Ah, another panel full of great recurring players. I know, that kind of hurt us last episode, but this is a special case. This time, not only do we have the first SG episodes for Jimmy and Jo, but we have another appearance of Rob Brydon, who’s always welcome. Sure to be wonderful.

Stephen, in his intros, introduces Jimmy as ‘the king of the jungle’. Once they cut to him, he looks over at Stephen, over the applause, and goes “king of the jungle? Really?”

Rob’s buzzer is a loud foghorn, which he’s fond of. Stephen even goes “yes, you do” (i.e. “rob goes…”)

Stephen: “What ruins 300,000 British car journeys per year?”
Alan: “Radio One.”
Annnd…I think we’re out of the funk from last episode.

Jo: “is it kids in the back of the car going “ARE WE NEARLY THERE YET?”
KLAXON
Jo: “oh, so SOON!”

Didn’t think it would show up on QI, but Stephen and Jimmy force Rob to do his “small man trapped in a box” voice, best known from The Trip. And…yeah, it’s still pretty funny.

Stephen says that Billy Connolly is one of the most popular SatNav voices
Rob: “Billy Connolly? HE’S done it?”
Stephen, in a perfect Billy Connolly voice: “I knooo.”

Stephen: “And the least popular satnav voice-”
Jimmy: “Hitler?”

Stephen says Baroness Thatcher is also one of the least popular SatNav voices. Jimmy says it’s because it keeps going “RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT. RIGHT.”

Stephen mentions there’s a Julian Clary one in there too…and it’s a good impression, but not as good as his Connolly.

Rob’s Welsh satnav bit is legendary, “not a Welsh language, just a Welsh attitude, a Welsh approach to life….or death. ‘There’s a turn comin’ up in 40 yards, get ready for it…and oh, you plank, ye’ve missed it.Alright, do a U-ie. Do a- alright, pull over. Just…attach a hose pipe to the exhaust and end it all…”

Stephen said that about 8% of Central Asians are related to a common ancestor who very well may be Genghis Khan.
Jimmy: “So d’you think in hundreds of years they’ll be talking about the same thing, only with Russell Brand?”

Jo asks if the Chinese used to just have tea in their hands before the teacup came. Alan then does an impression of a person with very hot tea in their hands trying to shove it into their faces.

Rob, on the Salt Lake flats question goes right into an Anthony Hopkins impression (“I’M GUNTA DO IT IN THIS CAR. LOOK AT ME GO.”) Another really good impression, especially the wavering New Zealand accent.
Jimmy: “Now what if he was trapped in a box?”
And then Rob does an Anthony Hopkins impression in his ‘trapped in a box’ voice, which is also pretty perfect.

Rob, in the Sacramento question, says he knows it because it’s the place Dustin Hoffman drives to in the Graduate, before doing an “ELLAAAAIINNNEEE!!” Of course, Stephen does a Hoffman impression that damn near trumps Rob’s which is great. So many great impressions in this episode.

On the Eskimos: “They didn’t know there were any other people out there, in the world-”
Alan: “It’s very much like that in Essex, too…”

The second Stephen prefaces the question with ‘a watery riddle’, I’m already expecting the answer to NOT be Blue Whale. So he keeps describing things about this, and Alan raises a finger, rearing back. Jimmy already starts cracking up, knowing the gag.
Alan: “NOT…the blue whale.”
Stephen: “You are right!”

Stephen: “The US has the right to seize any property containing what?”
Jimmy: “Is it a street without a Starbucks?”
Yeah…true

Stephen: “The 4th-best-selling children’s book of all time has a vocabulary of only 50 words. Which is it?”
Jimmy: “Oh, is it the Da Vinci Code?”

Stephen: “What do Mongolians live in?”
Rob: “Is it something like a Yak, or a Yolt?”
Jo: “D’you mean a Yurt?”
Rob: “Yes, that’s exactly what I-”
KLAXON
Rob, recovering: “No, that’s not the one!”

Rob: “OH, I KNOW, I KNOW THIS. It’s the point in Britain, that’s furthest-”
Alan, sort of in unison with Rob: “Furthest from the sea-”
Rob: ‘YES, I’VE GOT IT ALAN!”

Alan wins and Rob loses…which is kind of odd, actually.

Overall: A better show, though it did have some mighty lulls. I did like how the show kept gags going, and keeps the dynamic clear, even if Jo wasn’t really helping. Jimmy and Rob had excellent shows, and got along well, unlike the verging-on-hostile Sean-Phill dynamic from last episode. But yeah, definitely a step up, even if it’s not all the way there.

MVP: Rob
Best Guest: Jimmy
Show Winner: Alan
Best QI Fact: Bird Guano Seizure