QI Watchdown: J8 (Jumble), or What Have You Done with Stephen Fry?

This QI marks the final appearances for two QI mainstays who helped bridge the way for the show’s success: Dara O’Briain, who’s had numerous funny shows over the years, and John Sessions, the famous git, who’s provided numerous amounts of intelligent material, but in the years since his previous appearance has become more of a relic to the show’s previous emphasis on fact rather than funny. Jo Brand is also onhand, to make this feel…oddly enough like a Series B show. For a show that seemed to be zooming ahead and enlisting modern comedy figures, this seemed an odd move (and if you’d like an odder move by QI, check back in two shows).

The buzzers all seem to be J-related songs: Jo’s is ‘Jenny from the Block’ by J. Lo, which she responds to with a shrug.
John’s amusingly, is ’99 Problems’ by Jay-Z, which he bobs along to in one of the most ill-fitting things I’ve seen in a while.
Stephen: “I’ll give you 10 points if you know who that was!”
John, horrified: “Uhhh…Usher!”
Stephen, facepalming: “I think ‘J’ would have helped you”
John: “Jay-Z?”
Stephen: “Well, it’s too late NOW…”
Dara gets a Jessie J tune, which he guesses obviously, because Dara is generally savvy with music [see his Pliers reference from Mock the Week…or his Colonel Abrams reference from Mock the Week]

Alan’s is the Alphabet song by Perry Como
Alan: “Not a J name, is it?”
Jo: “I think it might have been his brother, Jerry Como”

From the very first question, John’s pedantic, answer-knowing nature is immediately relevant. A lot of people seem to think that John was the one that Stephen alluded to always asking for the answers in advance. While I still believe that person was Rory McGrath, I’m certainly not ruling out John.

John talks about a jockey who’d put the whip up his own arse. “It’s a variation on the photocopier thing.”
Dara, not completely following: “…whereas you put the photocopier up your own arse?”
Stephen: “Oh, surely we’ve all been there.”

Stephen, reading from his cards, says that “these don’t have the effect of horsing a speed up- speeding a horse up, sorry.”
They cut to Jo, who looks very confused.
Stephen inspects his glasses.
Dara: “I don’t mean to get all street on you, but when you horse your speed up…it’s when you get your meth and mix heroin in with it…THAT will make you run.”
Alan: “What have you done with Stephen Fry???”

Jo, on the camel-racing question: “Please, may I tell you the only camel joke that I know? Kay, there’s two guys in the army, out on the desert. And there’s a new recruit, and there are no women around at all, and the new recruit says “what d’we do for sex?”, and the guy says “I’m afraid it’s the camels.” And later on, they’re all let out towards the camels, and the old bloke’s running really fast, and the young guy says “what’re you doing, it’s only a camel?” And the guy goes “yeah, but you don’t wanna get an ugly one, do you?”
As Stephen moves on Dara holds up a hand: “I’m sorry, but…there IS another camel joke…”
Dara takes it from the exact same starting point, “I’m afraid it’s the camels, and late at night, the guy goes ‘I can’t take it anymore, I’m as horny as hell’, and he takes off and he rides the camel. And he comes back, and goes “well, that’s the best we can do”. And the older guy says, well, actually, when I said ‘we got the camels’, we normally, eh, ride them into town…”
Okay, THAT is perfect.

Stephen asks for another sport that involves camels. Jo guesses smoking.
Alan: “Chess!”
Stephen: “…I look at you, Alan, and I wonder…where these things grow. Where they come from…”
Alan: “…it’d just be nice to see, wouldn’t it?”

John talks of the 30s vaudeville act that named himself Nosmo King after the double doors that spelled out No Smoking.
Dara: “But he wasn’t tempted to call himself…’Fi Reexit’ or something like that?”
Stephen: “Emerge….Encyexit!”
Alan, as Stephen’s going on: “Toi Let!”
Stephen: “Roy…Alcircle!”

Stephen: “Complete the phrase…’pregnant mothers should eat…’
Jo: “…loads….uh, burgers…”

Stephen asks Jo if she had any weird cravings or behaviors during pregnancy
Jo: “I gnawed my husband’s leg occasionally.”
Stephen: “…and that was unusual?”
Jo: “…not as far as our marriage was concerned…”

John mentions that his mother smoked his father’s pipe while she was pregnant, which Dara mentions is such a lovely image. “Tapping it out on the table.”
Alan: “…i thought you were gonna say ‘tapping it out on the belly’
And Dara mimes getting the ash all over the belly. It’s an amusing bit.

Stephen, voicing the concerns of the audience: “…Johnny, you’ve got to stop answering every question…”

Jo completely guesses a definition of an obscure Stephen word…gets it right, and gets the question right, which shocks the hell out of her.

As John gets something wrong
Stephen: “Nice that you’re trying, and don’t be put off…”

Stephen: “If you really want NOT to pee, keep as still as possible-”
Alan: “Clench the end of your cock INCREDIBLY HARD…”
Stephen, post-facepalm: “I’d find it better if you’d get someone else to do that..”

Stephen: “Who gets the most use from Jacobsen’s organ?”
Dara: “Wouldn’t that be MRS. Jacobsen?”
KLAXON

Not a lot is happening in this one. Everyone’s playing really separate games, and John’s excessive knowledge keeps bringing everything to a halt. At least Jo’s disgusting stories lift the mood. She tells one about someone someone pranked with a severed hand, which Alan is repulsed by even before the punchline.
Alan: “Did she ball it into a fist? And then couldn’t get it out?”
Jo: “No, they went in, and she was sitting on the bed eating it.”
That gives an even BIGGER response.

Stephen: “What does a cockroach find absolutely disgusting?”
Alan: “Jeremy Kyle.”
Stephen: “YES! IS THE RIGHT ANSWER! Because, well almost, Jeremy Kyle IS…a human being.”

Stephen’s final note is that any shuffling of cards is a completely new combination of all 52 possibilities, making it a unique shuffle. There are so many different positions of 52 that each card can be that its probability of being repeated is this very, very long positive integer. Not really a math guy, but I’m fascinated by that fact.

Also, this show produced all four scores higher than zero, which is fantastic. It’d be more fantastic if this was a better show.

John technically wins, but Stephen awards the show to himself for that impressive card display, which…if it takes a win away from John Sessions, I’m fine with.

Overall: A very, very weak show. There were funny moments here and there, but the majority of the show consisted of facts that couldn’t get off the ground, John Sessions rattling on, or just lulls in humor. Jo and Dara had funny moments and stories, and that ending card fact is a great one, but I really couldn’t get into this one.

MVP: Dara
Best Guest: Jo
Show Winner: John
Best QI Fact: card combinations
Best Runner: horsing up speed

QI Watchdown: J2 (Jam, Jelly and Juice), or A Night Out with Tarbuck and Perkins

Over the next two series of QI, it’s gonna be noticeable that the BBC is piping in a moratorium that there’s got to be at least one female panelist on the program in an effort to allow more female comics to be featured, which I can definitely agree with. Yes, QI does lend itself to a ‘boys club’ dynamic, especially in its earlier series (Sean Lock’s shows boosted this narrative), but the last two series of the show have proved that panelists like Sandi Toksvig, Sue Perkins and now Victoria Coren-Mitchell are capable of providing fantastic moments.

Tonight’s show puts the moratorium to the test- Jo Brand is the anchor, Sue Perkins is the comic foil and Liza Tarbuck is the informational assistant. Three women and Alan, a tactic that would be revisited a few more times (I believe there was also one with Alan and three noted lesbians), but this assortment seems like a nice start.

A nice buzzer pun: the first three have party favor buzzers, party horns. Alan’s is Lesley Gore’s ‘It’s My Party’. Of course.

Jo gets the ball rolling rather quickly:
Stephen: “What begins with J and appears to be alive?”
Jo: “…is it me?”
Liza: “James Blunt?”
Stephen: “Closer, I reckon.”
Sue, bashfully: “…Jeremy Clarkson.”
KLAXON
And, as with custom, Sue outstretches her arms, as if she’s Andy Dufresne, and basks in the OWA.

Stephen restates the question
Sue: “Jedward, then. I’m revising my answer.”
KLAXON
[Also: Two Jedward references in two episodes. Man, they were milking this topical joke for all it was worth]

As Stephen explains why this is the case, Jo absent-mindedly guesses jelly, which is correct.
Jo: “Bloody hell!”

Stephen goes over all the uses for pigs
Stephen: “A pig’s bladder is used as tambourine skin.”
Jo: “I knew those folkies were evil…”

Sue: “You don’t want to get in a pen with a pig who’s approaching sexual maturity, as I learned at my cost…”
Alan: “And how ARE the piglets?”
Sue: “THEY’VE GOT NAMES, ALAN!”
Alan: “Porky and Perkin…”
Stephen, correcting Alan under the applause “it’s PINKY and Perkin…”

Just an general observation: everyone seems to be having so much fun so far, giggling and laughing. It helps that everyone seems to know each other well, and that these three are just in good moods. Granted, only the small lines are hitting thus far, but it seems to be a very fun dynamic so far.

On the line, from Stephen, “it stops you from being able to speak properly”, a picture of George W. Bush appears on the behind-screen. Yes, this was well into the Obama administration, but Bush jokes were still easy back then.

So they develop a contraption to speech-jam, or delay speech to the ear by a fifth of a second, in an effort to confuse brain activity…and try it out on Alan, by having him read from a book on jam. But…it doesn’t really work, and the only thing that happens is that Alan has to bring the book closer so he can read clearer. Stephen is dumbfounded, and suggests they try it on Jo.

It does happen to work on Jo, as within about 4 seconds she gets very confused, as Stephen starts with the jammer turned on.
Stephen: “…thank GOD it works for you…”
Jo: “I’ve got schizophrenia now…”

Liza’s turn goes fairly well, though the book does go into lines about bumholes and buttplugs,
Stephen: “YOU MADE THAT UP!”
Liza: “I didn’t! Mrs. Beaton. Dirty old bitch…”

As Sue switches places to have her turn: “I wanna see what happens to Mrs. Beaton and the buttplug.”

When Sue tries it, she starts out very well, but after a while she begins slurring, and slowing her dialogue, now just acting drunk while still trying to soldier on with it. She even says “I sound drunk now!”
And, after she’s gone on for a while: “owww, my head, where’s everyone gone?”

Liza admits later that her radio experience may have made her better at using the device, as she’s used to hearing herself on air with a delay.

Stephen: “I’ve got jumbo wrists and I’m covered in tit juice. What have I been up to?”
Jo, amidst cracking: “…is it a night out with Tarbuck and Perkins?”

Stephen, describing other fisherman ailments: “You can also get haddock rash…”
Jo: “Why are you looking at me?”

Jo does mention that it’s similar to pregnant women having swelling
Stephen: “That’s right, a lot of people can’t take their wedding ring off again after they’ve given birth”
Jo: “Yeah, and they’re pissed off about it…”

Stephen: “What was unique about Fanny Farmer’s cup size?”
Liza, once again, just doubles over laughing. This is almost as bad as the gis stuff from last episode.

Stephen, still reestablishing the question: “…and it’s nothing to do with fanny-farming being an occupation.”
Again, the panel loses it.
Liza: “I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR HIM SAY THAT!”

This is also the second show in a row that mentions Sherlock Holmes, though this one is more about the magazine where he first appeared, rather than his ejaculations.

Sue, on a question about Marie Antoinette’s bosom, says that she hates the term ‘breasts’, and people should just be more forthcoming about it, say ‘boobs’, or ‘jugs’ as Liza suggests.
Stephen: “I like ‘titties”
The audience beats Sue to this, but she goes “I’M SURE YOU DO!”
Sue: “YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!”

Stephen, on the Antoinette cups: “And you can have replicas, if you’d like to have one in your own house.”
Alan: “I Do.”

Liza talks about going in to have a bra measured, and having the person open the curtain, look at her, and go “I can’t help you.”
Alan: “I’LL MAKE YOU A BRA, but I can’t help you…”

After the conversation about what women go through with bramakers, Stephen shudders, which gives the effect of a motorboat. He realizes the connotation and facepalms. Poor, poor Stephen.

Stephen even gives a breast-related dirty joke.
Sue: “Yeah, tonight’s the night you turn…”

The show does take another lull not too soon after, with both the IWS and the miracle berry segments just limping along. Like last show, a lot of the humor is solely cheap innuendo, and this panel doesn’t do anything with the innuendo other than just fall victim to it.

Screen Shot 2018-11-23 at 2.13.56 PM.pngOn this matrilineal society
Alan: “WHAT THEY WANT TO DO…is they want to put the necklaces on BEFORE they put the hat on…”

Stephen: “What’s the main ingredient in fish jam?”
“….”
Alan: “I SENSE A TRAP…”

Stephen: “So what’s the main ingredient to Hitler bacon?”
Sue: “GOEBBELS!”

The ending Jolly Jape involves all four attempting to drink from a water cup with holes in it, which Sue has a ton of fun with.

Alan wins with +11, which is a triumphant end to this one, but…Jo lampshades that for the sake of the booking people, it would have been nicer if a woman won.
Sue, even: “This experiment in women on television has failed.”

Overall: Despite some fun moments in the middle, and a general jovial mood, this show was generally disappointing, with either deafening lulls, or moments that relied too heavily on innuendo, like the entire miracle berry sequence. It’s not the fault of any of the panelists, who all did well, but it was one of those shows that just couldn’t really take off past funny answers and…the occasional boob joke. Sue and Liza knowing each other definitely helped, as both were bouncing off each other all night, and Jo, while more subdued, was still funny, but…not a lot to excavate from this one.

MVP: Sue
Best Guest: Liza
Show Winner: Alan
Best QI Fact: sentient jelly
Best runner: Stephen’s tit fixation

A shame that one was a downer, but coming up next we have one I’ve been excited to cover for a very long time.

QI Watchdown: I13 (Intelligence), or “MARGARET, GET THE CORNFLOUR!”

Again, many times in Series I, QI tried to recreate classic lineups while still trying to plug forward with newer comics. So this show, featuring PHILL JUPITUS, as well as David Mitchell and Jo Brand, is reminiscent of a Series C or D taping, which is good nostalgia. With four left to go in I, this Series still has momentum, but doesn’t have as many ‘WOW THAT’S AMAZING’ shows as the first half did.

Tonight’s buzzers, each in succession, form the famous theme to Mastermind, though I would have appreciated some dramatic spotlights, or a smirking Paul Merton in the background. Alan’s is, of course, ‘UHHHHHHH….PASS!”

Stephen asks a question he prefaces as being incredibly difficult, and discussed in many academic circles: “How do you get a goose interested in volleyball?”
Jo: “…I’d like to reply with the question ‘How do you get ANYONE interested in volleyball?”

Stephen: “Name an intelligent bird.”
Jo, waiting for her Mastermind buzzer to end: “…..me.”

Jo: “Not really, I’ve got a very low IQ.”
Stephen: “Oh, don’t believe that for a second…”
Jo: “It’s 83.”
Stephen: “…my god, you’re barely even human-”
Jo brushes this off, saying she’s kidding.

Phill has a nice point that crows are only perceived as evil because of the dark music that accompanies them. If you put on more fun music, and give them a sombrero, there’s a different effect. This is a very Series B-esque digression, too.

Stephen: “What was the first move the government made to assemble the boffins at Bletchley Park?”
Alan: “…singles bar.”

This episode is starting with less emphasis on humor and more emphasis on ‘isn’t that amazing?’. Stephen talks of Alan Turing’s death by poisoned apple, and that it was widely believed that Apple computers dedicated their logo, the apple with the bite taken out of it, to Turing.
Stephen: “I was actually in a position to ask one of Apple’s founders, Steve Jobs, about it, and he said ‘no, it isn’t true….but god, we wish it were.”

(I find it very ironic that all of this Alan Turing information would be made public a year or so later, with the release of The Imitation Game.)

Stephen: “How long does the perfect job interview last?”
Jo, after waiting for her buzzer to end: “…how long does a blowjob take?”
The place goes mad. Jo is so far killing it tonight.
Stephen: “The extraordinary thing is…the answer is exactly what I’ve got on my card, and it’s ‘TWELVE SECONDS!'”

Stephen: “Have you applied for a job?”
Jo: “Yeah, I applied for many. Never got any, though.”
Stephen: “Well, you got this one.”
Jo: “Right…because I slept with you, as you well know…”
Stephen: “only the best 12 seconds of my life.”

Stephen, listing some questions they’re not allowed to ask at job interviews, stumbles a bit: ‘Are you originally from the O.K.- sorry, UK-”
Phill: “Yeah, but if you’re interviewing for a cowboy, that’s a good question…”

Stephen discusses that people aren’t supposed to answer the ‘what are your weaknesses’ question with a subverted strength, but a mild weakness.
David: “‘I’m a terrible thief…I, just, I love other people’s stuff…”
Stephen: “I also can’t concentr-Oh look, there’s a squirrel!”
Phill: “What are your weaknesses? Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily in that order…”

Stephen: “What are your strengths?’ Ah, now don’t say-”
Alan: “odor, I’ve got a powerful odor…It’ll only get stronger as the day goes on…”

Phill, on other questions they might ask to test your wit, gives a solid Phill answer: “Will you be participating in ‘Take your Kestrel to Work Thursday’?”

Stephen, pulling out another ‘Ingenious Interlude’, says ‘I’ve been trying to get better at these little chemistry experiments.’ Again, they’d be a permanent fixture come Series J.

After this Interlude, where Stephen puts a corn-starch fluid on a speaker, and has it react to sound pressure.
Phill: “You have just ruined every speaker of every QI viewer…”
Stephen, trying to continue: “Isn’t that creepy?”
Phill: “MARGARET, GET THE CORNFLOUR!”

Halfway through the show, a robot appears with some drinks. Having watched this show for several series, I’m not even shocked anymore.

Stephen introduces the robot, Asimo, to the panel.
Alan, as Asimo’s internal monologue: “Here i am, brain the size of a planet…opening DOORS,,,”

Stephen: “Why don’t you show us what you can do?”
Asimo: “I would love to!”
Alan: “Is it gonna kill me?”

Asimo approaches the audience, after going down some stairs.
Stephen: “Now he’s gonna do something that nobody in the audience is going to believe.”
Phill: “STUDIO AUDIENCE KILLED BY RUNAWAY ROBOT.”

Stephen: “Well, I think it’s only fair that you get some points.”
Asimo: “Thanks…but what I’d really like is a dance with Jo.
Jo:
Screen Shot 2017-10-03 at 4.38.24 PM.png

I will say that having Asimo and Jo doing some fun, funky dancing together is one of the most original, cool moments in the show’s history.

Alan, as Asimo departs: “I can’t help feeling…that he is heavily weaponized…”

As they discuss if Asimo had the right voice, Phill brings out a gruff, ‘allo’ voice that could also be taken as one of his many dialects from NMTB (“ALLO, I’M FROM BOTSWANA!”)

David: “I think it would have been more reassuring if its dancing was more robotic. I find its attempts to be human…tragic.”
Stephen: “WELL AREN’T YOU EASILY PLEASED???”
Phill: “What I’d like to happen now, is for it to be like Jerry Springer and for the robot to come on, going “WHO. ARE YOU. CALLING. RUBBISH.” And then big blokes in QI black t-shirts have to pull it off of him. “GET. OFF. ME. YOU. SLAGS. HE WAS. ASKING. FOR IT.”
Alan: “I. WANT. A .DNA. TEST.”

Stephen, starting GI with a question from the job interview section: “How many piano tuners are their in the UK?”
Alan, frantically, grabs the Nobody Knows card.
Stephen: “IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!”

Stephen: “On a clock face, how many times per day do the two hands overlap?”
David: “…Yeah, this is definitely a question to avoid answering at all costs..”

The behind screen for a new question has a blue sky, and clouds coming quickly.
Alan, without a choice: “….theeeee Siiiiimmmpsoooooonnnsss….”

Overall: Solid episode, boosted by some really interesting stuff, and great performances by Jo, Alan and Phill. David had a quieter show, and brought up the rear, but he still won the game. Jo had the best lines, Phill had some great moments, and everybody was able to collaborate on jokes. Plus, ASIMO’s appearances made the momentum grow even more. A truly nice one, even if it took a bit to get going.

MVP: Jo
Best Guest: Phill
Show Winner: David
Best QI Fact: Cornflour vibration
Best Runner: Asimo

QI Watchdown: I9 (Illness), or The Michael Winner Joke Hour

QI this season had started a trend of booking two panelists with very similar interests or comedy styles, and a third that contradicts the first two. For instance, having Sandi and Clive, two very cultured comics, and then throwing in Henning Wehn, a quieter, more broad German humorist; or perhaps having Sean Lock and Frank Skinner, two picky, annoyed comedians who go for the jugular, and the meeker-by-comparison John Bishop.

Tonight, we feature Andy Hamilton and Jo Brand, two short people with wry senses of humor that have been known to either make or break huge panels…and then a newcomer, Dr. Ben Goldacre, an acclaimed science writer, essentially the Brian Cox of the medical and pharmaceutical world. This will be interesting.

Thanks to the theme, they’re all in doctor’s outfits. Which is a nice gimmick.

The buzzers are a nice 3 vs. 1 throwback: Jo, Andy and Ben have sounds heard in a doctor’s office, like sneezing and coughing. Alan’s is the somber death march.

The show starts with Stephen giving the panelists a questionnaire on their sleep cycles. Jo responds by falling asleep on the desk.

Stephen: “There’s a theory that only men are prone to napping. Jo, do you ever nap during the day?”
Jo: “Only during sex.”
Alan: “Is that…doing sex or watching sex?”
Jo: “…either. I don’t mind.”

Stephen, on using antimony as a constipation aid.
Stephen: “Once it had passed through, you would then…rummage through your leavings…and wash it, and use it again.”
Alan: “RUMMAGE THROUGH YOUR LEAVINGS?”
Stephen: “Wasn’t quite sure how to put it…”
Alan: “I’m gonna use that from now on…”

Stephen: “And these things would get handed from father to son, through generations…”
Alan: “My father’s leavings, and his father’s leavings as well…”
Andy: “THAT is the earlier example of a repeat perscription…”

This is just an observation, but Ben Goldacre looks like how Milton Jones looked before the explosion.

After Ben has another anecdote about John Harvey Kellogg and his anal-yogurt methods.
Andy, curiously: “What time’s this show going out?”

Andy grabs an early Nobody Knows card by saying that no one really knows how Placebos work. To be honest, neither does Brian Molko.

Stephen says that ‘studies show’ isn’t a very logical way of believing someone, and that Ben will want to know the specifics of the study.
Ben: “…to be fair, I think that this show is actually more guilty of that than anyone else-”
Stephen, trying to shoosh him: “MUUHHHRLXGJDFGLJ”

Stephen mentions that there’s a lot of vomiting in space, in zero-gravity.
Alan: “What, drifting around the cabin?”
And then Alan mimes eating a bit of floating vomit. So far, this has been a very highbrow show…

Stephen: “D’you know what causes seasickness, though?”
Jo, rolling her eyes: “Is it going up and down on the sea?”

Screen Shot 2017-09-12 at 6.00.22 PM.pngStephen: “Oh, that must be from the film of A Perfect Storm.”
Alan: “Oh, it HAS to be from a film. I can’t imagine that to be an exceptionally good photograph taken from another boat..”

A great deal of Jo Brand’s jokes tonight have to do with Michael Winner, which means either she ran out of ‘my husband’ jokes, or her ghost-writer is Ian Hislop from 1995.

Stephen: “You’ve really got it in for the Winster, haven’t you?”
Jo: “I have.”
Andy: “Is this because he hasn’t been returning your calls, Jo? Is that what it is?”

Andy, after another Winner joke: “I’ve got this fantasy of Michael Winner sat at home going ‘It’s Friday…what shall I do? I know, I’ll watch QI. Jo Brand’s on. She’s my favorite!”

Screen Shot 2017-09-12 at 6.07.18 PM.pngStephen, ever one to keep a joke going: “…who the hell is THAT?”
Alan: “I don’t know, but that’s what the girl’s thinking as well…”
Stephen: “They’re all thinking ‘I WOULD’, aren’t they?”

Interestingly, Ben says that the latest DSM is coming out in 2013. Not a ton of psychologists seem to like that one, especially in terms of how it refers to autism.

Stephen, having the panelists guess a potential DSM-IV term: “Sluggish cognitive tempo disorder.”
Andy: “CAN’T DANCE.”
Stephen: “…guilty feet have got no rhythm..”

The good part about this episode is that Stephen can turn to Ben whenever he needs an expert opinion on a topic, or a question, and he’s…really nice. Unlike, say, Brian Cox, he doesn’t always join in and joke with the panelists, but he’s still making this a very educational episode.

Ben, while on a topic, says: “it was about saying ‘desire is a matter of…clitoral bloodflow imaging, and…nitric oxide molecules in your body-”
Alan: “I think that might have been the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Clitoral bloodflow imaging?”
Stephen: “….DOT COM?”

Stephen: “Who was the last british monarch to be deliberately killed?”
Jo: “Was it one of the ones who got beheaded?”
Stephen: “Uhhhhhhh…no. You’ve managed to avoid saying Charles the 1st, whom most people think-”
Jo: “Yeah, only because I couldn’t blood remember which one it was…”

On the doctor that gave King George V a lethal injection, Stephen, reading from the doctor’s diary, goes: “I did it myself, because it became obvious that Sister Bea, the king’s nurse, was DISTURBED by the procedure…”
Alan: “SO I INJECTED SISTER BEA AS WELL…”
And I’m gone.

Stephen: ‘What would you call a man who eats literally everything?”
Jo: “Winner!”
KLAXON: MICHAEL WINNER.

Stephen: “He eventually proceeded to drink the blood of patients and eat some of the corpses in the morgue…”
Jo: “You know who’s like that, don’t you?”
Laughter.
Jo: “I don’t even need to say it anymore, do I?”

It’s a nice detail that Jo puts, in the name column on her sleep survey, ‘JO MARLON BRANDO’

Stephen, reading over Andy’s: “Your total, which you haven’t bothered to do, and thank you so much for that-”
Andy: “I got too TIRED!”

Stephen, top of GI: “Why shouldn’t you sleep with a dog?”
Andy, channeling Sean Lock: “He won’t respect you in the morning, will he?”

There’s a runner in GI with Stephen, going back to an earlier bit about the preposterousness of said statement, ending every fact with ‘and above all, be sure to avoid fatty and spicy foods.’ And he just keeps going with it!

It’s funny- when Andy is announced as 1st place, you can hear a disappointed Jo go ‘ohhh’ in the background. She, as well as I, was hoping Stephen would go ‘TONIGHT’S WINNER!’, so Jo could make one more Michael Winner joke.

Overall: I might even say this was better than the last episode thanks to the Michael Winner runner, the fatty and spicy foods runner, and a bit more teamwork and equality than, ironically, the episode about Inequality. Still, I’d call this one an ‘alright’ show was well, because it never really broke out of ‘good’, and there weren’t any HUGE moments, even if there was an Alan line that I loved, or some good moments from Andy. Jo had the best show, by not sticking to her laurels and having a nice time, though Andy should be commended as well. Ben had a nice showing, but wasn’t as inclusive as Brian Cox.

MVP: Jo
Best Guest: Andy
Show Winner: Andy
Best QI Fact: recycled antimony
Best Runner: Michael Winner.

QI Watchdown: H4 (Humans)

Onto another QI, featuring four very dry people, that hopefully will work well off each other. Jo and Jimmy are making their first appearances this season, and Jack Dee is returning after batting down Phill and Ross a few episode ago.

Jo’s buzzer is a bubbling, croaking swamp noise. After a beat, she turns to Stephen and goes “I really DO go like that…”

Stephen: ‘Describe the perfect man.”
Jo: “A dead one.”
Stephen, faux-astonished: “JO BRAND!”

Stephen, going over the DaVinci proportions: “Your head is about an eighth of your body height”
Jo: “Your head’s about a quarter of your body height.”
Stephen: ‘IS IT??”
Jo: “Yeah, because your brain’s so massive…”

Stephen: ‘The fact is there are millions of them around Italy. Why is that?”
Jack: “Beermats”
Stephen: “NOT….BEERMATS…”

Stephen: “Well, people call him Leonardo, and Da Vinci is just the place he came from. Name some other painters like that…”
Jo: “Leonardo Da…Stratton….”
Stephen: “…not quite…”
Jack: “Rolf of Australia.”
Stephen: “…That is true. How can I take that away from you?”
Man, Jo and Jack are just having fun annoying Stephen tonight.

Stephen: “It’s like cooks. Delia. Nigella. Jamie.”
Alan: “Jamie….Da Essex.”
Stephen: “That’s the one!”

Stephen: “How would you spot a neanderthal on the bus?”
Jack: “If he comes and sits next to me…”
Jo: “He’s the one…already sitting next to me, because I’m married to him.”
Stephen: “Is this going to be the ‘humiliate my husband’ show?”
Jo: “Yeah, he doesn’t watch this, it’s alright…”
Stephen: “Oh, fine.”
Jimmy: “He doesn’t really understand it.”

I’m glad someone finally called Jo out about all the husband-bashing, even if that is her schtick.

Stephen: “Why would you need to take a fossil into a nightclub”
At this exact moment, a picture of Peter Stringfellow appears on the behind-screen. Jo has already buzzed in, sees this, and goes on anyway.
Jo: “If you were at Stringfellow’s, you wouldn’t need to…”

Stephen: “Which bit of you is evolving the quickest?”
Jo: “Is it my propeller?”
Stephen: “…did you say your propeller?”
Jo: “What, did you say ‘revolving’?”
Stephen: “No, EEEVOLVING!”
Man, this is also a great episode for Jimmy Carr’s laugh. He’s laughing more than he’s saying things tonight. The curmudgeons, Jo and Jack, are taking hold.

Jimmy: ‘There’s a thing that lives in the sea that has a sort of propeller-like mechanism, and it-”
Jo: “Is that a boat??”
Jo, somehow, is absolutely killing it tonight.

Jack’s talking about breeding long-necked people to have a ‘giraffe family’
Alan: “I saw a family fortunes once…”
Jimmy: “Here we go, back to my level…”
Alan: “The question was ‘Name a Bird with a Long Neck’. And the guy said Naomi Campbell…”
Stephen: “It’s like my favorite one on Weakest Link. They said ‘What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pinor Noir’, and he said ‘Footballer’s Wives!”
Alan: “My favorite one is ‘Name a Dangerous Race’. And the guy said The Arabs!”
(Stephen loses it here)
Alan: “I don’t know if they were hoping for ‘Grand Master’ or something…”

Stephen puts a picture of a little scrawny rodent on the behind screen.
Jimmy: “Oh my god, how did you get a picture of my scrotum? It’s got the teeth and everything.”

Jack tells a story involving a German man who posted on the internet that he wanted to eat a person, and someone responded. He does this whole story in these German accents, very similar.
Jimmy: “Did they get confused because they both sounded alike?”

Jimmy tells a similar story: “He had ‘im all tied up and he was going to eat him, and then he said ‘aw…I don’t really fancy it’…and they watched Ocean’s Twelve instead, and then he went home.”
Jack: “Yeah, I’ve seen Ocean’s Twelve. I’m not so sure that was a good deal.”
Alan: “Yeah, I’d rather be eaten.”

Stephen: “What is the point of teenagers?”
Jo: “Are they the only group that you’re legally allowed to punch?”

Stephen: “Who’s the fastest human runner of all time”
Jimmy: “I’m gonna go Usain Bolt”
KLAXON
Jimmy: “What, did you not see him on telly? The guy’s called BOLT for god’s sakes! What more could you need?”

Stephen puts up a picture of an Ancient Greek bath house. Jimmy, all of the sudden, spots something in the corner that looks very similar to someone being blown by another man.
Jimmy: “WHAT’S GOING ON OVER THERE??? IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN…and his Mrs. is just WATCHING! He’s probably showing HER how to do it…”

There’s a great moment where they’re asked what disease a mosquito gives you. They all just sort of look around for a few seconds, and Jo just sort of looks at Jack and goes “GO ON…” Jack has no choice but to buzz in with ‘malaria.’

You know this is a weird episode because Jo, not only does she win, but she didn’t get any Klaxons. That’s miraculous!

Overall: A lightweight show without any real highlights. The main gags tonight were beginning-of-question ones, and the conversations didn’t elicit a ton of good lines. Jimmy and Alan were quieter tonight, as Jack and Jo did most of the work, which is nice.

MVP: Jack
Best Guest: Jo
Show Winner: Jo
Best QI Fact: Blacklight fossils

QI Watchdown: G10 (Greats)

We’ve hit our fourth and final Sean Lock episode of the series, and what a run he’s had this year, completely dominating all of his episodes (even with laryngitis), and making a case for Best Guest of the series. Tonight, he’s joined by Jo Brand, who’s had a nice enough series, and David Mitchell, who’s had some really nice episodes so far.

Alright. First joke out of the gate and I’m already in love with this episode.
Stephen: “Now, tell me about the Great Disappointment.”
Jo: “Have you been talking to my husband?”
KLAXON: HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND
Jo’s look of absolute astonishment once the Klaxon comes up is pretty priceless.

Stephen talks about a cult that believed that Jesus was to return and save everyone. He even says “a man jumped off his barn, hoping that Jesus would scoop him up and save him. He didn’t.”
Alan: “Did this happen in America, by any chance?”
Stephen: “How did you guess?”

Stephen: “Who had purple triangles in Concentration Camps?”
Sean: “Was it, eh, Barney the Dinosaur??”

Stephen explains that the alternative to the rapture is being marked by the anti-christ and being stung by gigantic wasps.
David: “But, on the plus side…the price of clothing goes WAY down…”

Stephen: “Well, the rapture is imminent.”
David: “Imminent?”
Alan: “What, d’you mean ‘this week’?”
Stephen: “Well, oddly enough they’re not being very specific…”

Stephen talks about how all of these great leaders (Stalin, Amin, Mao, etc) are all taller than expected.
Sean: “Usually they’re not judged by their height, are they…”

Sean: “It’s probably the one thing that short people have got to cling onto. That one day…they might be a dictator. And we [with the QI answer] have just taken that away from them. All this hope.”
David: “All this ‘not being able to reach things from shelves’ one day will be made up for when I kill millions of people. I can stand on their bodies…reach the jam.”

Stephen then says that short people are, on average, paid less than tall people.
Alan: “They should rise up!”

Stephen, with the Charlemagne question, explains that each person, going backwards, has thousands and thousands of ancestors.
Sean: “My brain’s…I can’t..How could have more ancestors than there are people that’s ever been?”
Sean, absolutely dumbfounded, mimes his head exploding, and falls onto the desk.

Stephen: ‘What about parmesan? When that’s grated, what does it smell of?”
Alan: “Cheese.”
Stephen: “No.”
Alan gives a “ARE YOU SURE” sort of look.

Sean: “I was just thinking, David. Rather than having a sell-by date on cheese, they should just have the date that cheese becomes poisonous. And then they know when to stop eating it.”
David: “Do they know that date?  Is it a global thing, TWO DAYS BEFORE THE RAPTURE?”
Sean: “Or maybe it’s the day they’ve worked out that everyone in the world’s related to Peter Andre.And they go “THAT’S THE DAY cheese becomes poisonous.”
David: ‘And people will happily eat it and die.”

Jo says that sell-by dates are a bit over-cautious, and that you could leave it out a bit longer after, “get it out the bin a few weeks later. You’ll be fine.”
Sean: “Put it down your pants, go in the sauna….take it out…obviously reshape it again…”
Jo’s reaction, of sheer disgust, is wonderful. Stephen eventually has to go “Sean…you’re not alone. There are PEOPLE here…”

David and Sean discuss the act of stealing the train, and how difficult it would be because it’s on rails. Alan eventually kamikazes this discussion and says ‘if you’ve got GROMIT in the gang…he can lay track as he’s going along…”

Earlier in the Great Train robbery topic, they discuss that the robbers spoiled everything by playing a game of monopoly (with the stolen money), and not cleaning up fingerprints. Later, Stephen discusses how they got the plan together, as the mastermind said “Look…I’m plannin’ this blag…”
Alan: “I’m planning a game of Monopoly.”
David: “I’ve just got to pick something up along the way. It’s that…I lost all the fake money, and the ONLY WAY OF REPLACING IT I can THINK OF…”
Alan: “I rung Waddington’s, they didn’t wanna know. “Get a new set”, they said. “Don’t be ridiculous”, I said…”

Stephen: “Why did it take so long for scientists to find a name for the Giant Tortoise.”
Sean: “Because Giant Tortoise was good enough?”
David, who takes a bit of time with this one: “Because they thought they were regular tortoises, but closer…”

Stephen mentions that Giant Tortoises were also edible.
David: ‘Anyone who saw one, couldn’t even stop to think of a name for it! They just HAD to eat it!”
Alan, mouth full: “THESE ONES…I’unno what they’re called…but they’re really, really good. Just call them ‘dinner.”
David: “There’s no latin name for pistachio nuts either… no one could be bothered. “SHUT UP WITH YOUR LATIN! EAT THEM!”
Alan: “No latin name for Maltesers.”

Stephen: “None of [the tortoises] made it to London!”
David: “NOW THIS TIME…WE’RE GONNA TAKE IT…we’re gonna bring it to London.”
Alan, pointing: “NO…LEAVE IT…WE’RE TAKING IT BACK…”
Sean: “Ferry coming into Dover, there’s a bloke going [lip smacking sounds]”
David: “Alright, we take nine of them…WE LEAVE EIGHT…AND ABSOLUTELY…”
Stephen: ‘And now everyone’s looking at them…”
Alan: ‘And the moment they land…they’ve got one tortoise left, and they go “we’ve got to go back, get some more…”
David: “And they’re sitting there, eating the last tortoise, going…”we are TWATS…”

Jo: “Where are they from? Are they flights?”
Stephen: “THEY ARE NOW PROTECTED! All twelve species…”
David: “If they’re that delicious, they CAN’T be. They’re probably going “yeah, they’re all in there, we’ve protected them, no need to look…”

Stephen: ‘If a giant panda does a hand-stand in front of you, what is he trying to tell you?”
Alan: “Put some money in the hat?”

Stephen: “How did Catherine the Great die.”
Sean: “She…DIDN’T have sex with a horse….she died…”
Jo: “On the commode…OH WAIT THAT WAS ELVI-”
KLAXON: ON THE LOO
I mean, Jo’s already having the weakest episode of the four, but at least she’s getting a ton of klaxons.

Stephen: “No, she did have a stroke on the commode, but-”
Alan: “Is that a euphemism for something? I’M HAVING A STROKE ON THE COMMODE!”

Stephen: “What was the lingua franca of Ancient Rome?”
Sean: “DUTCH! Because I knew that wasn’t gonna come up… See, that’s where you’ve got to think, Jo. You’ve gotta think what they WOULDN’T put up…”
Jo: “Cheers, Sean. [presses buzzer] Latin.”
KLAXON
Jo: ” I did that deliberately.”
Sean: ‘Yes, but you-”
Jo: “I KNOW!”
Stephen: “She’s going for the record.”

For the ‘How many men have been President” question, they play the clip from Obama’s inauguration, where he says “44 Americans have now taken the presidential oath.”….and then they klaxon the President of the United States. Oh, QI. Gotta love ya.

David wins, because he’s David. Jo loses with -46 because she’s Jo. Obama comes in 4th with -10, because QI can do that.

Overall: An early candidate for the best episode of the series, because this panel was on from the first second of the episode. It helped that people like David and Sean were giving Grade A stuff, but it brought out the absolute best in Alan, and it even gave Jo some stuff to do towards the end. Obviously the tortoise bit keeps it so high up, but the episode was circling that point the entire time.

MVP: David
Best Guest: Sean
Show Winner: David
Loser of the Week: Jo, for getting every klaxon in the book.
Best QI Fact: Short men.
Best Runner: Tortoises.

QI Watchdown: G8 (Germany), or DON’T MENTION THE WAR!!

After an episode featuring three people who were intermittent, to this point anyway, we get right back into a semireg-heavy episode, featuring Sean Lock, his 3rd of the season, Rob Brydon, his 2nd of the season, and Jo Brand, her second of the season.

Stephen, after a very German-friendly intro, says he’ll be cracking down “on any mention…of the war. DON’T…MENTION…THE WAR. YOU HAVE BEEN WAR…NED.”

Stephen asks for a sentence featuring the correct usage of Schadenfreude.
Sean: “That statue’s all covered in Schadenfreude. Must have been a cold night.”
Alan: “Look at the size of my Schadenfreude.”
Jo: “I enjoyed the Schadenfreude I experienced when my husband was killed by a local gangster.
Stephen, somehow: “IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!”

Stephen: “How upset are the Germans about the 1966 World Cup.”
Rob: “Well, very, I would say.”
KLAXON
Rob just shakes his head.

Stephen says that the Germans care more about beating the Dutch than losing to England.
Sean: “Though, surely, the Dutch have never provided a great deal of opposition to them. Generally, in history, they’ve just walked into Holland whenever they’ve fancied it.”
Stephen, trying to set up a klaxon: “Oh, well in that sense.”
Sean, still rolling: “ANYTIME THEY WANT, THEY CAN JUST GO INTO HOLLAND, SPIN THE-”
The Klaxon does eventually go off, and Sean, ever the smartass, goes “I HAVEN’T MENTIONED IT YET!!!” I NEVER SAID IT!” All the while Rob is pointing at him, going ‘yeah, you did…’

Rob talks about wearing extra-long socks, saying “they do give you a feeling of security.”
Jo: “They do make you look like a knob-head.”

Jo and Rob do get into a rather large argument about the socks. Sean even goes “they don’t make you look cool.”
Rob: “Well at the risk of turning this into Ready, Steady, Cook, why don’t we let the audience decide?”

Stephen: “The Dutch were at war with Britain many times-”
Jo: “You mentioned the war.”
Stephen: “At war with, not THE war.”
Sean, pointing at Jo: “YOU DID.”
KLAXON
Rob: “Can I just say, Jo…bit of a knob-head.”

Stephen, on the mystery german innovation: “It’s to encourage men to do something when they’re in the toilet.”
Alan: “Is it the seat?”
Stephen: “It has to do with the seat.”
Sean: “They dive off it, into the toilet…”

Rob keeps carrying on about the magical sock experience.
Sean: “I just want to know what’ll happen to you, you know, when you try skydiving. You’ll go “WOW, THIS IS INCREDIBLE. FORGET THE SOCKS, THIS IS AMAZING!”
Rob: “I have been skydiving.”
Sean: “Have you tried jelly? That’s nice. “OH MY GOD! The SOCKS were good, THIS IS INCREDIBLE!”

Rob: “They laughed at Edison…”
Stephen: “Yes, they laughed at a lot of weirdoes as well.”

Sean says that nudism works better in Germany, “because Germans have decent summers…and if not, they just expand to somewhere where the summers are nicer.”
KLAXON

Stephen: “What’s the most repeated TV show of all time.”
Rob: “Top Gear. IT IS! There’s not a time of day where it is not possible to watch Top Gear.”

Stephen: “What does the airlift and Germany bring to mind?”
Sean: “Berlin Airlift.”
Stephen: “Right, and-”
Sean: “The war.”
Stephen: “NO, IT DOESN’T-”
KLAXON

Stephen mentions Captain Wiggly-wings throwing down candies to children in Germany.
Rob: “Can you imagine a Terry’s Chocolate Orange heading down at you at great speed?”
Stephen: “D’you see those boys holding up little-hanky-style parachutes?”
Rob: “That’s no match for a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.”
Sean: “Of course the Chocolate Orange could have landed like the bouncing bomb…like it did in the war.”
Stephen: “OH NOW NOW NOW-”
KLAXON

Stephen says there was a man who made prison escape kits out of Monopoly boards, and gave intricate designs to MI9
Alan: “So he’d use the Get out of Jail Free Card-”
KLAXON

Stephen: “He said that hidden in the Monopoly board were very useful things.”
Rob: “Like a small dog…and a little hat…and a tiny ship.”

Stephen: “Who wrote Brideshead Revisited?”
Sean: “It was Evelyn War.”
EVELYN WAR KLAXON
DON’T MENTION THE WAR KLAXON

Stephen: “What happens in Germany on the 11th of November at 11:11 every year.”
Alan: “Everysing carries on as Normal.”
Alan just gives this determined German look, which cracks me up.

Alan eventually answers, saying “the phone rings, and on the other end is the british prime minister going “hahahahahaha….we won.”
KLAXON

Jo somehow wins. Mostly because Sean pissed away his points by mentioning ze war.

Overall: Great episode getting us back on track after a slight step backward. It helped that the panel tonight was so on, humor wise and dynamic wise. Sean and Rob were wonderful, with Sean screwing with everyone and Rob arguing about socks. Jo gave a lot less during the later leg of the show, but still gave us funny stuff.

MVP: Sean
Best Guest: Sean
Show Winner: Jo
Best QI Fact: Nude house cleaners.
Best Runner: DON’T MENTION THE WAR.

Nevermind Watchdown: S7E4, or It’s not lemons, it’s LEMMINGS!

Oh, thank GOD, people I’ve heard of are here!

Jo Brand is back, and also we’ve got Mel B, aka Scary Spice, which is pretty nice, because she’s still pretty relevant, as she’s been judging America’s Got Talent for a few years.

Josh Doyle is the lead singer of the Dum Dums. Sally James is a former children’s presenter, and used to be on Tiswas.

Josh makes a point about the Chas and Dave video, especially the cardboard cutouts they stick their heads into, specifically: “Why do they have to do that if that’s what they actually wear?”

Jo, on Chas & Dave and Jello Biafra: “Are they all really talented, apart from Chas and Dave?”
Mark: “Hey, I’m not having a word against Chas and Dave on this show!”
Jo: “Are they all really handsome…apart from Chas and Dave?”

Phill: ‘I think I’ve got it. Jello Biafra is the Godfather of Punk, and Chas and Dave are the godfather’s of the drummer’s niece!”

Mel B, on Boy George and David Lee Roth: “I think it’s obvious. They’re both rumored to be gay, and they were shagging.”
Mark, very over-the-top: “BOY GEORGE IS RUMORED TO BE WWWHHAAATTT??? WE’VE HAD ‘IM ON THIS VERY SHOW!!!”

Mel: “We’ve been going on this subject for ages! What is the bluddy answer??”
Mark: “Well, some of your albums drag on, BUT WE ALL BUY THEM!!!”
Mel, charmingly, flips him off.

Mark: “At a recent Culture Club soundcheck, Boy George narrowly escaped death when a four foot glitter ball landed on him from the ceiling. Terrible way to go…smashed to pieces on an old poof.”
(Brings back memories of “GEORGE…YA BIG POOF!”)

Mark: “Boy George’s first band was called ‘In Praise of Lemmings. I dunno why he’d name his-”
Suddenly, Mel B just starts cracking up at that.
Mark: “THAT’S NOT EVEN THE JOKE!”
It’s eventually revealed that Mel thought he said ‘In Praise of Lemons’.

Jo, absolutely dumbfounded: ‘Is it a number from Oliver?”
Phill, cradling Josh: “BOOOOYYY FOR SSAAAAALLLE…”

Before one of her intros, Mel yells at Sean to “GOOOO!” This confuses the hell out of Sean, and Mark gives her shit about it. “What, is that the new stoplight? Instead of a green light, it’s just “GOOOOO!!!”

Best argument in the show’s history. So, ID Parade is John Ottway. And Sean, KNOWS John Ottway. So he says it’s #2, but Mel keeps disagreeing with him, saying it’s number four. The argument keeps going on, Mark becomes absolutely dumbfounded that she’s not seeing this logically, goes over there, knocks on her head and yells “ANYBODY HOME!!!”
Phill, after the argument has semi-subsided: “Would you three please just have sex and get it over with?”

The epitome of Mel B in this show, during Next Lines:
Mel B: “Oh, I don’t know.”
Mark: “You did a version of it!!”

Mark, in signing off, says “I’ve been Mark Lamarr, and it’s time for me to GOOOO!”

Overall: Not perfect, but had some definite highlights. The entire panel was having fun, especially Jo and Mel. Mel was very hard to handle, but she gave some great answers, and her banter with Mark was hysterical.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Mel
Best Runner: GOOOO!!!

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E5, or GEORGE…ya big poof!

Well, this seems like a breezy, yet very strange, episode up here. Sean shouldn’t be worried, as he’s got the sane panel, of Suggs (thinging thetheliath) and Jo Brand. Phill should be very worried, as not only is Boy George back (!!!), but Lisa Scott Lee from Steps is here, and we’re already been through ONE member of Steps on this show.

I find this very weird, because Jo looks 20 years older than her last appearance, and Suggs…doesn’t age. Also, Jo looks the way Boy George does currently.

On Rod Stewart and The Damned, Suggs: “Can they both be repelled with garlic? See, you’ve got a vampire here, and a werewolf [Stewart] on the left.”

Jo says Stewart’s into blondes, so Jo says “did Rod Stewart give Captain Sensible one up the tradesman’s?”
Mark: “Well, we have an expert on the subject in the studio, so…”
George: “Don’t talk about yourself like that, Mark…”
Mark: “Oooh, are we at school?”
George (sassy): “…apparently.”

On Bowie and the Wu-Tang Clan
George: “I think both of them pretended to be bisexual to sell more records.”
Mark: “YEAH, THE WU-TANG CLAN OFTEN PLAY BISEXUALS IN THEIR SONGS…because YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RAPPERS LOVE THAT!!! That’s not what ‘Sucker MC’s’ means.”

Jo tells an anecdote about someone who had to book the WTC an airplane, and someone had to announce on the PA, “Could someone please call up Mr. Ol’ Dirty Bastard.”
Sean: “They’re expecting Rod Stewart to turn up…”

After Phill reaches for a George Formby-WTC joke
Phill: “It’s a lame ‘ol quiz, Mark, and I’m reaching for anything.”
Mark: “Has it got THAT BAD?”
(Lisa finds herself nodding a bit,)
Mark: “I love it when one of Steps goes…yeah…”

George, to Mark: “Why is it when you’re bitchy, you’re okay, and I’m being a queen?”
Mark: “…because you’re a queen.”

After Boy George equates good hair to being gay.
Phill: “Sonic the Hedgehog’s got nice hair, does that mean’s he’s gay? And Sonic does get extra points the more rings he captures.”
Yeah, that even gets George to crack up. Man, imagine a panel with him and Richard Fairbrass. It’d be the gayest thing ever.

As Suggs and Sean give their first Intro, Jo just scowls to the camera.
Mark: “JO, AS YOU GAVE THAT LOOK JUST THERE! Cruella De Vil.”
Jo: “Thank you, Mark…”
Mark, suddenly realizing a golden opportunity, points to George, going “HOLD ON…”, and the camera cuts to his black-and-white spotted hat, as if he’s the one who’s killed some puppies.

George: “Is it the ‘ion sleeps tonight?”
Mark: “THE IRON SLEEPS TONIGHT! You know, from ‘The Iron King.” While they all sat around drinking ginger beer…GEORGE…YA BIG POOF!”

Lisa makes Phill get up onto the desk and dance with her, reluctantly (“I don’t wanna be in Steps…”)

Mark:”Shaft’s Loqui Burnett started out in San Francisco’s infamous Sundown Boys’ Club where he cut his teeth as a DJ. That’s cock rings for you.”
And then he looks over at George and blows a kiss. My god, the dynamic tonight it out of control.

Sean: “#3 looks so cute. SO CUDDLY! COOCHIE-COO!”
Jo, being Jo: “I’d rather sit on #4’s face, though…”
Mark: “Did I read out the rules for this round properly?”

Sean: “I still think 3 is so gorgeous looking. George, could I become gay, d’youthink-”
George: “What’dyou mean BECOME?”

Sean: “#1 is in Madness, isn’t he Suggs?”

Not sure if #3 in Phill’s lineup is it, because that looks an awful lot like the guy they’d keep dressing up in a pirate costume as the show went on.

In response to a very, very short, bald #5, Mark: “I can give you a clue, #5’s just been foiled by Mr. Bond again…”

Phill: “#3’s staring at me very intensely, and I don’t know why…”
Yeah, that would be the pirate, alright…

George: “He’s got a bit of a Barry Manilow look to him.”
Phill: “What, 3?”
Lisa: “Where?”
Phill, matter-of-factly: “OVER THERE, BETWEEN TWO AND FOUR.”

Next Lines:
Mark: “There are 3 steps to heaven.”
Sean: “Step…one…”

Mark: “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you”
Jo: “Happy Birthday dear…any thin person. I’m about to kill you.”

Overall: Another really nice episode. The George-Mark dynamic was king here, as everything seemed to stem from there. Jo and Suggs were really funny on Sean’s side, and Lisa was another Steps member for Mark to lampoon.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: George
Best Runner: Boy George gay jokes.

Nevermind Watchdown: S4E5

A return for Mani, and the debut appearance of Jo Brand, who’s been on everything else I’ve reviewed so I’m not worried, kicks off this episode.

Matthew Marsden was on Coronation Street for a while, and then went onto an acting career.  Jah Wobble was a member of Public Image Limited, and to that end I feel very sorry for him.

JO’S HAIR IS FRIGHTENING IN THIS. WOW. DIDN’T KNOW IT COULD BE THAT LONG.

Phill, on the Fantazee lyrics: “There’s probably a Kung Fu Master from Bradford called Stands So High. “RIGHT! A’HM A KUNG FU MAHSTEH.”
Mark: “Is that how Japanese people speak? “‘ALLO, ‘AH’M JAPAN’AISE, NOICE TA MEET YA!” Come on, any country in the world, shout one out!
Phill: “Botswana.”
Mark: “‘ALLO! A’HM FROM BOTSWAAANA, NOICE TA MEET YA!”

Sean, on the Simple Minds lyrics: ‘I think that’s a bit too intelligent for Jim Kerr. Is it “PLEASE…COME BACK, PATSY. PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING.”

Sean, in response to something, goes ‘BAD MON.”
Mark: “Have you been to Zimbabwe recently?”
Phill: “I have! ALLO, AH’M FROM ZIMBABWE!”

Mani realizes that Phill and Matthew are doing his song, gets up and starts to leave. He then goes “I FEEL LIKE I’VE HEARD THIS SOMEWHERE…”

Jah and Sean trying to do Low Rider is one of the most amusing things I’ve seen in a while. Even Jo looks horrified the entire time.

WAIT, SHIT, LIMAHL IS HERE FOR ID PARADE??? I mean, he should be one of the blokes on the panel.

Next Lines:
Mark: “Postman Pat, Postman Pat.”
Jo: “What a twat.”
Yeah, Jo never changes.

Overall: Quieter episode. I didn’t know how to write down a lot of Jah’s drum stuff, because most of it was phonetic, but it was really funny. Jah was the right kind of crazy, and seemed to just confuse the hell out of Mark in how adamant he was. Meanwhile, Jo, Mani and Matthew all did solid jobs.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Jo
Best Runner: Jah’s drum noises.