Nevermind Watchdown: S6E9, or ‘How did I know that would please you?’

WE INTERRUPT THIS QI OVERLOAD TO BRING YOU THE LONG-AWAITED MISSING BUZZCOCKS EPISODE!

I swear, if there’s one thing that keeps me up at night, it’s the fact that out of all the Mark Lamarr NMTB episodes, there’s one that was lost to the online public, thanks to copyright laws, youtube takedowns, and just…rarity. And I’d gotten, thanks to the ‘LOST EPISODES’ spree recently, a great deal of my missing pieces posted…but not 6×09. Which, as I’m a completist, kinda stunk.

However, thanks to, as I’ve come to believe, the internet’s patron saint of Buzzcocks, antster1983, the lost episode fell into my hands. Before I head into Buzzcocks’ Last Crusade (aka the Rhod Gilbert season)…I figured I’d post this sucker up.

As it’s been tattooed in my brain for two years, the panel goes like this- Davina McCall and Junior Simpson on Phill’s team; DJ and electronic artist Chandrasonic and fading-memory Radio DJ Tommy Vance on Sean’s team. And this is back in Series 6, or the ill-fated ‘series 7’ that didn’t end up actually being Series 7.

Mark, doing Tommy’s standup: “Tommy was the first voice heard on Live Aid. Who could forget those moving words: “…BURGERS, HOT DOGS, FANTA…sorry, I’ve run out of onions…”

The odd part of this configuration is that Chandra is in position to RECIEVE intros on Sean’s team…which means Tommy Vance is expected to do intros. This will be fun.

On Motley Crue and the Beatles:
Sean: “Did one of Motley Crue try to kill George Harrison?”
[OOOOOH, TOPICAL JOKE!]
Mark, ever the smartass: “…he had a good stab at ‘im…”

Sean: “Is the connection burning records? Like, in America people started burning Beatles records when they said they were bigger than Jesus. Or…they burned Motley Crue records, you know, when they ran out of firewood…”
Tommy chuckles at this…
Sean: “…what’chu laughing at, Tommy, YOU LIKE THEM!”
Tommy: “I do…but I also like a nice fire…”

Sean: “Is it to do with Pamela? She’s dating the drummer for Motley Crue. And she got rid of her implants, because they were useless, and the Beatles-”
Mark: “HEY! TAKE THAT BACK! I’m not having that kinda talk on the show. Implants are never useless, ladies. They enhance a saggy breast…”
Sean: “They were a NUISANCE…”
Mark, still going: “COME TO PAPA!”

Tommy eventually says that it costs 4 grand for a breast operation, 2,000 pounds each.
Junior: “TWO THOUSAND POUNDS A TITTY?”
Phill, still to Tommy: “…what, a breast?”
Junior: “TWOOOOO THOUSAND? For ONE TITTY?”
Tommy: “Yeah…you can use two hands, so it’s a thousand each.”
Phill: “I could buy a couple capris for that! Obviously it wouldn’t get me in a bra…”
Mark: “…still look a tit in ’em…”

The reason I love Mark so much, is that when this digression happens, he doesn’t let it stop the show cold. He goes “We’re looking for the connection between Motley Crue and the Beatles. I know we went off on a little titty tangent there, but…”

Mark: “I’ll give you a clue, it has specifically to do with the bass players.”
Sean: “Oh, they’ve both shagged Pamela Anderson?”

Junior, reminding me how quick in the clutch he could be: “Is it a domestic violence type of thing, because Tommy Lee used to beat Pamela Anderson…and Yoko Ono used to sing to John…”

Sean: “Does Tommy Sixx live on the Mull of Kintyre?”
Phill: ‘Do they fly ’round in a JET…ooooh-ooooh…”
Mark: “I’m gonna have to tell you the answer because I’m getting quite angry…”

Davina says the connection between Geri Halliwell and Pavarotti is intense anal wind.
Sean: “Was that on an episode of Don’t Try This at Home?”
Davina: “Yeah, it’s not a bad idea for a challenge-”
Mark: “Try and blow a midget over with a fart?”

Junior: “Her first single was called ‘Look at Me’…and [Pavarotti’s] the only guy who’s visible from space.”

Phill: “I believe Geri’s had some sort of nose job or something. Pavarotti, liposuction, horribly wrong, the machine backfired…he got thirty pounds of Judy Chalmers”

Mark gives them a clue that it has something to do with political service.
Phill: “SHE’S in the UN, Pavarotti was invaded by BURMA!”

And, what kind of Mark Lamarr episode would this be without a Geri slam:
Mark: “Geri Halliwell was brought up as a Jehova’s witness. And although she doesn’t practice anymore, she still enjoys being knocked up on a Sunday morning.”
Phill laughs so hard at this he nearly chokes on whatever’s in his mug.

Chandra, like the rest of us, is bummed that he doesn’t get to do intros. Mark actually comes down and has him do any intro he wants…just so Mark can do the drumbeat or whatever. It’s actually a pretty cool moment. However, it’s made ridiculous by Phill, halfway through, singing Pavarotti-esque opera in the background.

I’ll give Tommy credit that he’s a ton less senile than he was in his Series 10 appearance, and he’s actually relatively coherent in Intros.

Sean, pointing to Tommy’s shirt: “I was actually there on my holidays last summer…”
Tommy, turning his shirt around: “Ah, but what about the back?”
Sean, taking this the wrong way: “…No, I never went THAT far…”

And then…halfway through intros, the Tommy I remember returns, with him not remembering how the song goes, barely remembering the name of it (from the card), and going “…can’t see through these damn glasses…”…through his SUNGLASSES. INDOORS.

Phill’s entire team is in sync tonight- all three of them dancing to Red Alert by Basement Jaxx is something that’d be gif-worthy in the modern era.

I missed Mark’s ID Parade name prattling so much. #6 in Sean’s is “Lord of the Ring…RINGS! SORRY!”

On the Baron Knights ID Parade, Sean: “Tommy, you know when they did that Smurf song? Why did they kidnap Papa Smurf, #5?”
Screen Shot 2017-05-25 at 10.21.25 PM.png

Sean: “#6 had a good CHRISTMAS!”
Mark: “…this is goin’ out in February, by the way…”
Sean: “…#6 had a good JANUARY!”

Tommy knows who it is, so he guesses: “#1 and #3, but I’m half blind in these glasses, so it could be anybody. It could be YOU!”, motioning to Sean.
Mark: “So you’re going for…SEAN…”
And sure enough, Sean goes up to the lineup with that…
Screen Shot 2017-05-25 at 10.24.53 PM.png

Mark: “Well, let’s find out if Sean is either Pete or Butch…well, certainly not Butch…”

As an added bonus, Phill’s team has to guess which one of the 5 is Carl Douglas, of Kung Fu Fighting fame, which is a big deal.

Mark: “Is it #1, Fast as Lighting…#2-
Screen Shot 2017-05-25 at 10.28.08 PM.png
Mark: “…a little bit frightening.”
Screen Shot 2017-05-25 at 10.28.19 PM.png

Davina: “#2 looks so dark and mysterious, and when he smiles, it’s ‘AWWW…”
Phill: “You have to say #2’s cheer-him-up catchphrase, which is, as we all know…’a little bit frightening!”
Screen Shot 2017-05-25 at 10.31.08 PM.png

Phill: “…I’m just having a laugh. I just MET Carl Douglas last Thursday! It’s #3!”
Mark: “Yes, I’ve worked with Carl a few times, and he’s been on television quite regularly, BUT NONETHELESS…LET’S FIND OUT!”

Next Lines:
Mark: “J and D here, united”
Chandra: “…black and white here to show you how we…the…[to the audience] that’s one of ours, too…”
Mark: “Is this your resignation letter from the band?”

Overall: Not perfect, as it definitely fell off right after Sean’s team went for Intros, but still a fun episode. The panel was imbalanced, as I didn’t really get to know people, but maybe I say that because I’m used to new-NMTB, where everyone’s over-edited. Actually, the emphasis, when it wasn’t on Junior, was more on Phill and Sean. Davina, Chandra and Tommy all had nice moments, but not nearly enough of them. Junior was great, but had his moments of overexposure. Still a fun enough episode, with a ton of runners in Connected, Phill as Pavarotti, the entire Junior/Mark banter which was too funny to write, and the fact that it felt real, and it felt fun back in S6.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Junior
Best Runner: Junior’s roots.

(Thanks again to antster for the help with this episode. Truly appreciated it.)

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E10, or, Well, You’ve got MY Vote…

Well, since it’s a Junior Simpson episode, we weren’t able to find episode 9 anywhere, so onto the finale. Another one featuring 4 people I haven’t heard of.

Kelle Bryan used to sing with Eternal. Simon Day was on The Fast Show for a while. Nicky Shaw is the drummer of Thunderbugs. Chas Hodges is one half of Chas and Dave.

Chas: “It’s a headline of a newspaper, ‘Frank Sinatra goes to Hollywood’
Phill: “It’s a headline of a newspaper? Bloody great idea, there-”
Mark: “Phill, Phill. I can HEAR Chas.”

Kelle does an impression of Rick Astley, to prove a point.
Mark: “Even by this show’s standards, one of the worst impressions I’ve ever seen.”
What’s more, the CUT TO PHILL. The editors KNOW WHAT’S UP.

Kelle: “I thought that it was based on the fact that they wanted to be…positive about themselves, so they called themselves the WonderStuff.”
Mark: “That’s a lovely idea, Kelle. You’re the only person in this room that could have thought that up.”

Sean, to Kelle: “Where did you get the name Eternal? Is it because you all thought you’d be in the band forever?”
And for a brief moment, the spirit of Simon Amstell inhabited Sean. And it was marvelous.

Simon, after the round’s gone out of control: “SO…TO SUM UP…”

Kelle, in her rationalization, winks at Mark.
Mark: “DID YOU JUST WINK AT ME TO GET A POINT?? I’M NOT GIVING YOU A PARKING TICKET, IT’S A QUIZ!!”

Sean: “Steely Dan were 120-foot tall. That [pointing to a structure in the video] is actually a helicopter there.”

Sean, to Kelle on her pope story: “So when you went up to the Pope and went “Hi, we’re Eternal”, did the Pope go “I DON’T THINK SO…”

Sean, who is KILLING IT tonight, on Bono: “Bono’s name came from a shop on O’Connoll street. They were going down the road, but they were looking in the mirror so they read it backwards. He thought it was ‘Bono’, but it was actually Ireland’s first sex shop, called ‘O’Knob.’

In the midst of Phill and Nicky’s god-awful Intros: “Yeah, you’re gonna get this…and I’m on slim fast…”

Mark: “The Spencer David group featured Stevie Winwood and his brother Muff. Make up your own joke…”

Next Lines:
Mark: “Hey dude.”
Sean: “…you’re looking good toniiiight…”
Mark: “from Sean’s book of chat-up lines…”

Overall: Solid show, though it fell apart towards the end. Good for some great Sean lines, and for Mark fucking with Kelle about her being competitive on a quiz show, and Chas running for office, but fairly lightweight, especially for a series finale.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Kelle
Best Runner: Chas for mayor

SERIES 6 SUPERLATIVES!
Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest Comic: Arthur Smith or Rich Hall
Best Guest Musician: Suggs or Boy George
Most Useless Panelist: Sister Bliss
Biggest Character: J, or Marianne Faithfull
Best Episode: Episode 6
Worst Episode: by default, Episode 3.
Episode I wish they’d let me see: Episode 9
Best Runner: Mark is a Duck (Episode 7)

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E8, or Shave Your Back, Ass-Face

IIIIIT’S CHRIIIIISTMAAAAAASSS!

Good news is we’ve got people I’ve actually heard of, including Frank Skinner, Goldie, famed rapper and Bond henchman, and Les McKeown, lead singer of the Bay City Rollers. Martine McCutcheon is also here, and she was on EastEnders and was in Love, Actually.

Les, on Elton John and Roy Wood: “Is it, a Wizard makes things appear with a poof, and Elton often disappears with a po-”
Mark: “HANG ON!!! I couldn’t allow the end of that sentence to be broadcast.”

Frank: “D’you know Roy Wood?”
Mark: “Uh, yeah.”
Frank: “No, the response is..no, but thanks for the tip.”
Mark: “Alright, we’ll try it again.”
Frank: “D’you know Roy Wood?”
Mark: “Yeah, he’s been on- oh, sorry.”
Frank: “It works with Vanessa May, too. ‘D’you know Tom Waits? Not many men do?’ Bill Withers, it works wit-”
Mark: “Oh, shut up…”
Frank: “Stevie Nicks. Well, don’t let ‘er in your house.”

Mark later has a joke about Max Factor.
Frank: “D’you know Max Factor?”
Mark, into his mic: “CAN WE BRING IN MY CROSSBOW?”

For the Intros round, they have all the tunes, instead of being performed by panelists, they bring in Rick Wakeman and Bill Bailey, in costume. Man, I love how both of them, at this point, were thought of as NMTB MVPs.

This is great. They’re just doing Christmas carols on a guitar and a piano. It’s also fun to watch Bill’s expressions.

Mark, on Rick: “I’ve never seen a man dressed so badly look so happy.”
Rick, flashing Mark: “WANNA KNOW WHY?”
Mark: “Oh, he’s had a tattoo done.”

Mark: “Ram Jam consisted of drummer Pete Charles, guitarist Bill Bartlett, and singer Arthur Blovelt. No one knows what happened to the rest of the band, but Blovelt was last seen living in a hollowed out volcano plotting world domination.”
Okay…THAT was good.

In the middle of a really good ‘Sunshine of your love’ Bill and Rick just randomly make a key change and go back into Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It’s actually pretty hysterical.

Les and Mark have this argument about whether or not the third Intro is ABBA, as Mark already confirmed it’s Mike Oldfield.
Les: “Was he in ABBA?”
Phill, just wanting it to end: “YES, LES. HE WAS.”

Mark: “Mike Oldfield suffers from claustrophobia, agoraphobia and vertigo. He only found this out when he was stuck in a ski-lift.”

After a joke doesn’t get any response, and the next one ends in ‘Bender’ gets a ton of response, he just starts inserting the word Bender in random jokes. He then goes “Man, Bender in a ski-lift’ sounds like a good song. [to Rick and Bill] sing that one!”

In ID Parade, one of the puppets falls off the stand right after being introduced.
Mark: “I’m not sure, but I think Goldie pushed him…”

Frank: “D’you think Orville looks like Natalie Imbruglia?”

Frank: “Last time I saw Pinky and Perky, they were wrapped ’round a scotch egg.”
And then the two pig puppets look over at him like ‘you wanna go?’

Mark tells Keith Harris he’d like to hear Orville say some dirty words. Goldie does start objecting, and Keith, as Orville, goes “‘EY! BALDIE! SHUT IT!”

Mark: “I think we’re all a bit curious. Does Orville know the word ‘cunt’?”
Orville: ‘TE-HE! I’M LOOKIN’ AT ONE!”

The other ID Parade is asking which, on cardboard cutouts of rappers, hasn’t been shot. And then the object is for someone to shoot them, “so he feels like a success.” Very dark, but very clever.

Phill, with his gun: “If anyone has seen the new James Bond film, Robbie Coltrane is in it”, and then he strikes a pose, looking a hell of a lot like Robbie Coltrane.
Yeah, but…uh…there’s a bloke on your panel who was ALSO in the new James Bond film, Phill.

Overall: A very fun, very off-kilter Christmas show, ruled by some great Frank Skinner moments, and appearances by Bill and Rick. Goldie and Les were funny, if quieter, and Martine didn’t do a bloody thing. Also, this is the last show of the 90’s, which means we’re onto the 2000’s next!

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Frank
Best Runner: Frank’s dive-bombing jokes.

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E7, or AS YOU SEE, BRIAN, I’M A DUCK!

Aaaaand I’ve not heard of any of these people. Should be an exhilarating one.

Jamie Benson sang with Hepburn, a sort of pop girl band. Mary Mary is a member of Gaye Bykers on Acid. Not sure what to make of him. Brian McFadden is a member of…oh no, Westlife. Vic Henley is an American comedian.

Sean, on Kate Bush: “This is actually her helium machine she uses to get that beautiful voice, because she’s a gruff cockney before she takes it…”
He then does an impression of a gruff, cockney.
Mark: “Have you ever been to London, Sean? I think that’s Daleks you’re thinking of.”
Mary, Dalek voice: “WELCOME TO LONDON.”

Vic, on Smells Like Teen Spirit: “It’s what Kurt Cobain first said when he first came across Courtney Love’s Hole.”
And with that…I like this guy.

Vic’s next line: “I was actually glad [Kurt] killed himself, because I like the Foo Fighters.”
And with that…I LOVE this guy. My god, I had no idea an American could have Frankie Boyle-esque sensibilities towards comedy. That is outstanding.

The twist on Intros this show is that Sean’s team has to perform the Outros, and Phill’s team has to perform the middles, or guitar breaks, to songs.

Sean and Jamie’s first Outro is A Day in a Life, and, to cause all the wild mash of sounds, Sean does this high-pitched sort of wailing.
Mark: “Not bad, if the outro was ‘Jimmy Savile starting his car.”

The other one they do ends with a very slow, near-puking sound.
Mark: “That one sounded like me watching a Steps video.”

Mark: “Radiohead’s album OK Computer featured a soundalike Stephen Hawking. They would have used the man himself, but he didn’t want to do the MTV Unplugged session.”
The audience gives him a fair, OOOOOH reaction. Mark, of course, goes “DON’T CARE.”

Brian, to Mark: “Hey, too greasy.”
Mark: “The observations are flying thick and fast. Or…just thick, anyway.”

Brian keeps telling Mark that he’s a greasy duck, and nobody else knows where that’s coming from. A clearly-amused Phill goes “after the show I dress up like Elmer Fudd and hunt him…”
Mark: ‘I bet that was harsh in your playground, wasn’t it? ‘OH, LOOKIT YOU…YA SWAN!”

Mark, in the middle of their third intro, goes “OOOH! HANG ON! THEY’RE HATCHING. AS YOU CAN SEE, BRIAN, I’M A DUCK!”
Phill: “I don’t recall saying to you before the show, ‘watch out for Lamarr, he can be a bit of a duck.'”

One last one before he starts, Phill turns to Mark, cracking up, and goes “Y’alright there, Mallard Boy?”

Mark, in the middle of reading the scores: “Phill’s team has one point, I WONDER WHY YOU’RE LOSING.”

On the ID Parade, Vic: “This is like a Gap ad for the elderly…”

Mark thinks Brian should guess for ID Parade, embarrassing him yet again.
Vic: “Get ready for a barnyard analogy…”

Next Lines:
Mark: “What I am is what I am.”
Sean: “A DUCK.”

Mark: “I’m a genie in a bottle.”
Vic: “I’m a duck in a pond.”

Mark’s signoff: “It’s the last show of the series, and thank god- it means I can stop paddling now. Good night.”
This was supposed to be the finale? There are 3 shows left.

Overall: A bit of an odd show, with an amazing running gag, and not the greatest panel. Jamie didn’t do too much, Mary was just strange, Brian was good for some Mark gags, and Vic was actually really funny, but this one should be known for being the Duck Episode.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Vic
Best Runner: Mark the Duck.

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E6

The ‘QI to NMTB’ train has been bringing Jo Brand, Bill Bailey, Arthur Smith and Sean Lock to NMTB so far. Tonight we get Rich Hall. And I’m pretty damn excited. We also do get Suzi Quattro, of ‘Stumbling In’ and ‘Cacking Into the Needle’ fame.

Ian Broudie’s a music industry ping-ponger. Big Ben is an EDM-ish singer of Phats and Small.

My god, Rich Hall is just universally craggy. Looks the exact same as he does now.

Mark, in response to Phill’s anecdotes: “D’you ever hear about the one concert where the lead singer threw a tampon into the crowd, and the audience called themselves the Jammy Dodgers.”
Suzi: “Oh, god, I’m going under the table…”
Mark: “NOT YET, LOVE! WE HAVEN’T FINISHED!”

Rich, on Lynyrd Skynyrd: “They invented the 42-minute guitar solo, and then they died in a Scrabble accident.”
Oh, how I missed this guy…

Rich: “At the time, if you’ll understand, there were no E’s. The Bee-Gees had all the E’s at that point.”

Ian: “Are they going to do an anti-racist song?”
Sean: “No, that’d be ‘KKK and the Sunshine Band'”

Sean: “Is he called ‘fish’ because he once got stuck in the Queen Mother’s throat?”

Rich, echoing Suzi’s claim about skunks: “D’you know, if you hit a fish with your car, your tires stink.”
Man, he’s the same way on QI.

Phill and Suzi’s second intro is a bunch of whirring, whooshing sounds. Ben goes “Doctor Who.” Phill has to go “no, not Doctor Who’, and keep going. However, halfway through the melody, he turns, and, doing a perfect Davros, goes “HEL-LO, BEN!”

Suzi manages to whisper the title to Ben when Mark isn’t looking, and Mark totally hears it.
Mark: “You know all those cameras that are pointed at you? They’re probably filming what you’re doing. So, you know when I looked away and you went (whispered)”
Suzi: “They saw that?”
Mark: “They might have picked it up.”

Mark: “Yetta [from ABBA] had her first hit with Two Little Trolls…or Benny and Bjorn, as they’re best known…”

Mark: “When Crowded House split, Neil Finn said he was sick of being in the same studio with the same people. Neil…you know nothing.”
Cut between Phill, Sean, and back to Mark looking pained.

OH! The ID Parade features a black guy. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!?!? BRING OUT ATHELSTON!!!

Athelston, wearing a backwards cap, is introduced as “#5, the face in my nightmares.”

Mark: “Glad to have you back, sir. Like the new, youthful image since you’ve been on telly.”

Phill: “#4 looks like Jethro Clampett.”
Mark: “HOLD ON…IS THE COLOUR NOT WORKING ON YOUR TELLY AGAIN???”

Phill: “Has #5 blinked yet?”
Mark: “Not since he was last on the show.”

Suzi: “#2 it is, mostly because he looks like it.”
Phill: “Yeah, that’s normally the giveaway.”

Rich: “Lemme try something…OH NURSE!!”
(none of the five move)
Rich: “That settles it. None of the five are air-hostesses.”
Sean: “Why’d you shout ‘Oh Nurse’?”
Rich: “Cause that really pisses ’em off.”

Man, Mark’s sign off must have been so racy that it was cut, and they had to edit around it. Damn.

Overall: Not as good as the last two, but picked up extreme momentum right when ID Parade began (thanks a bunch Athelston). Suzi not entirely getting it was fun, as was Rich Hall being himself on the show. Ben and Ian didn’t do as much.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Rich
Best Runner: Skunk under the tires.

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E5, or GEORGE…ya big poof!

Well, this seems like a breezy, yet very strange, episode up here. Sean shouldn’t be worried, as he’s got the sane panel, of Suggs (thinging thetheliath) and Jo Brand. Phill should be very worried, as not only is Boy George back (!!!), but Lisa Scott Lee from Steps is here, and we’re already been through ONE member of Steps on this show.

I find this very weird, because Jo looks 20 years older than her last appearance, and Suggs…doesn’t age. Also, Jo looks the way Boy George does currently.

On Rod Stewart and The Damned, Suggs: “Can they both be repelled with garlic? See, you’ve got a vampire here, and a werewolf [Stewart] on the left.”

Jo says Stewart’s into blondes, so Jo says “did Rod Stewart give Captain Sensible one up the tradesman’s?”
Mark: “Well, we have an expert on the subject in the studio, so…”
George: “Don’t talk about yourself like that, Mark…”
Mark: “Oooh, are we at school?”
George (sassy): “…apparently.”

On Bowie and the Wu-Tang Clan
George: “I think both of them pretended to be bisexual to sell more records.”
Mark: “YEAH, THE WU-TANG CLAN OFTEN PLAY BISEXUALS IN THEIR SONGS…because YOU KNOW HOW MUCH RAPPERS LOVE THAT!!! That’s not what ‘Sucker MC’s’ means.”

Jo tells an anecdote about someone who had to book the WTC an airplane, and someone had to announce on the PA, “Could someone please call up Mr. Ol’ Dirty Bastard.”
Sean: “They’re expecting Rod Stewart to turn up…”

After Phill reaches for a George Formby-WTC joke
Phill: “It’s a lame ‘ol quiz, Mark, and I’m reaching for anything.”
Mark: “Has it got THAT BAD?”
(Lisa finds herself nodding a bit,)
Mark: “I love it when one of Steps goes…yeah…”

George, to Mark: “Why is it when you’re bitchy, you’re okay, and I’m being a queen?”
Mark: “…because you’re a queen.”

After Boy George equates good hair to being gay.
Phill: “Sonic the Hedgehog’s got nice hair, does that mean’s he’s gay? And Sonic does get extra points the more rings he captures.”
Yeah, that even gets George to crack up. Man, imagine a panel with him and Richard Fairbrass. It’d be the gayest thing ever.

As Suggs and Sean give their first Intro, Jo just scowls to the camera.
Mark: “JO, AS YOU GAVE THAT LOOK JUST THERE! Cruella De Vil.”
Jo: “Thank you, Mark…”
Mark, suddenly realizing a golden opportunity, points to George, going “HOLD ON…”, and the camera cuts to his black-and-white spotted hat, as if he’s the one who’s killed some puppies.

George: “Is it the ‘ion sleeps tonight?”
Mark: “THE IRON SLEEPS TONIGHT! You know, from ‘The Iron King.” While they all sat around drinking ginger beer…GEORGE…YA BIG POOF!”

Lisa makes Phill get up onto the desk and dance with her, reluctantly (“I don’t wanna be in Steps…”)

Mark:”Shaft’s Loqui Burnett started out in San Francisco’s infamous Sundown Boys’ Club where he cut his teeth as a DJ. That’s cock rings for you.”
And then he looks over at George and blows a kiss. My god, the dynamic tonight it out of control.

Sean: “#3 looks so cute. SO CUDDLY! COOCHIE-COO!”
Jo, being Jo: “I’d rather sit on #4’s face, though…”
Mark: “Did I read out the rules for this round properly?”

Sean: “I still think 3 is so gorgeous looking. George, could I become gay, d’youthink-”
George: “What’dyou mean BECOME?”

Sean: “#1 is in Madness, isn’t he Suggs?”

Not sure if #3 in Phill’s lineup is it, because that looks an awful lot like the guy they’d keep dressing up in a pirate costume as the show went on.

In response to a very, very short, bald #5, Mark: “I can give you a clue, #5’s just been foiled by Mr. Bond again…”

Phill: “#3’s staring at me very intensely, and I don’t know why…”
Yeah, that would be the pirate, alright…

George: “He’s got a bit of a Barry Manilow look to him.”
Phill: “What, 3?”
Lisa: “Where?”
Phill, matter-of-factly: “OVER THERE, BETWEEN TWO AND FOUR.”

Next Lines:
Mark: “There are 3 steps to heaven.”
Sean: “Step…one…”

Mark: “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you”
Jo: “Happy Birthday dear…any thin person. I’m about to kill you.”

Overall: Another really nice episode. The George-Mark dynamic was king here, as everything seemed to stem from there. Jo and Suggs were really funny on Sean’s side, and Lisa was another Steps member for Mark to lampoon.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: George
Best Runner: Boy George gay jokes.

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E4, or Ah, Gaffer Tape…

And now, another round of ‘What The Hell Are You Doing on NMTB???”

Marianne Faithfull is most famous for banging Mick Jagger back in the day. To Millennials and stoners, she’s best known for singing backing vocals on ‘The Memory Remains’, aka the one good song off that shitty two-part Metallica album. What the hell’s she doing here? I mean, I’m excited because Sean Lock’s sitting next to her, and we get to see him on NMTB. But Marianne is confusing me a bit.

Stuart Adamson is the lead singer of Big Country, because there’s got to be at least one Scotsman on this program at all times. And because Stuart wasn’t enough Scotland for one show, they through in TV presenter Gail Porter.

Phill, analyzing the Shaking Stevens song: “Hang on, hang on. It’s a really crap song, and they’re all wearing denim. Is this a Gap advert?”

Marianne eventually says the song’s about a dead body he found in a house:
Sean: “So what’s all this about the roof and the floor and everything?”
Phill: “This Old House has a stinky corpse in it…”

Mark: “In 1987, Shakey revived Gary Glitter’s ‘Little Boogie Woogie’….the punchline for that joke is currently under legal review.”

Mark, after the REM set-up: “I will give extra points for spitefulness towards Michael Stipe.”
Sean: “…what a tosser, he is!”
Mark: “ONE POINT!”

Stuart, a line that could only work with his accent: “You stopped the clip right at the money shot, where Peter Buck rams his guitar up Michael Stipe’s arse to stop him from singing the next verse.”
It’s like Frankie’s in the room…and had a top-charting hit in the 80’s…

Mark makes a comment, after one Stuart guess, that “I think you’re on the wrong quiz show…”
Stuart: “Either that, or it’s about Ken Barlow, and how many times people keep asking him if he’s gonna go back to Deirdre.”
Mark: “BLUFF.”

Gail: “I remember REM was on Sesame Street…”
Sean: “What are the kids gonna learn from that? 3 letters, one show. Emerson, Lake and Palmer, they been on?”

Gail’s the only one who hasn’t ‘slagged off on Michael Stipe’, and then Marianne offers to, which Mark agrees to give the other team a point if she does.
Marianne: “Well, he’s short and bald…”
Mark: “There’s enough, that’s a point.”
Marianne: “He’s on drugs, he’s bisexual, he’s all sorts of-”
Mark: “You’re racing into the lead, here.”
Phill: “He’s on drugs and he’s bisexual? Practically everyone you met in the 60’s was on drugs and bisexual!”
Mark: “Yeah, hold on Marianne, are you sure you’re not getting him confused with all your mates?”

Mark: “REM started out with various odd names, and were once called Cans of Piss, and to me…they always will be…”

Around here starts a running gag with Phill and Marianne about a time they met somewhere, and Phill mentioned gaffer tape, and Marianne, fondly, went “Ah…gaffer tape.” The whole rest of the show they keep bringing it up.

Marianne, before her 2nd Intro: “Oh, God, are we doing it again?”
Phill: “Oh, we’ve got two more…cello-tape yourself in!”

Like on QI, the Sean and Phill dynamic is so good that they can barely start an intro without cracking up entirely. They must be really good chums.

Mark, to Stuart: “Didn’t you do that thing where you made a guitar sound like bagpipes?”
Stuart: “Yeah.”
Mark: “And didn’t you make a digeridoo sound like bagpipes?”
Stuart: “Yeah.”
Mark: “You are from Scotland, right?”
Stuart: “Right.”
Mark: “I know where you can get, like, *bagpipes.*”

ID Parade, Phill: “Can we race them, in the studio?”
Mark: “I think you’d lose…”

Great moment where Marianne tries to get through ID Parade without a smoke. Then, after the Hazel O’Connors leave, she has one him her right hand. Mark, not missing a beat, goes “HEY! ARE YOU SMOKING AGAIN?”

Mark: “This is brilliant, Marianne. All the heroin you’ve had in your life, and I’m going “‘ey! None of that!”

Gail, on the 5 drummers: “Can they play?”
Mark: “4 of them can’t. We only booked the one drummer from Chaz&Dave. They gave up that 5 drummer lineup many years ago…”

Next Lines:
Mark: “No sleep.”
Sean, calling back Marianne’s story: “CAUSE YOU’RE LIVING ON A WALL!!”

Mark gives Gail an answer, and she gives a sarcastic thanks. As the buzzer goes out, Mark goes “don’t get cross with me.”
Then, as he starts the next round: “They’re not gonna make it. They need 12 to win. But I’m gonna give ’em 4 for every right one.”

Mark: “Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you bl- SAY WHAT YOU WANT!”
Phill: “TROUSERS!”
Mark: “FOUR POINTS!”

Mark: “You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.”
Phill: “WITH A BUDGIE!!!”
Mark: “Yep.”

Marianne: “BUT THIS ISN’T RIGHT!!!”
Mark: “No. Oh, Marianne Faithfull, sitting there and telling ME what’s right!”
Marianne: “I don’t wanna play anymore.”
Mark: “You sulking Marianne?”
Marianne: “Yeah.”
Mark: “Oh well (continues)”

Mark: “Fly me to the moon, let me play amongst the stars.”
Phill: “DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT, PHILL JUPITUS AND MARS!”
Mark: “I don’t mind if it’s phonetic, as long as it sounds right.”

Announcing the scores for the 42-17 Phill win: “I don’t think we’ve ever had a landslide quite like this…”

Mark signs off with “I’m Mark Lamarr, and thank god, I’m off to Marianne’s wall this evening.”

Overall: To give you an idea, I usually get 900 words out of a good QI, and 600 out of a good NMTB. I’m at around 1000 now. This was an amazing show, stemming from a number of different sources, including the arrival of Sean Lock, who translated pretty well to here, the personality of Stuart Adamson, the quarrel between Gail and Mark, and the whirlwind tour of narcotics that was Marianne Faithfull. Even if Marianne was desperate for a smoke, didn’t always get the rules, and threatened to walk off once or twice, it was still a fun show, and there was a ton of really nice running gags in here, most of which I tried to include.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Sean by a nose
Best Runner: Gaffer Tape.

Nevermind Watchdown: S6E1, or SCOOBY DOOBY DOOOO!!

RIGHT! ONTO SERIES 6!

This episode features two people we’ve seen, including Arthur “I’m Not OLD!” Smith, and Jayne Middlemiss. It also features Martin Fry, the unmistakable lead singer of ABC, and Sister Bliss, an EDM keyboardist.

Sean guesses that the Osmonds song got its name because someone put a horse’s head in the father’s bed, “him thinking it was wife #6, shagged it anyway.”
Jayne: ‘Just the head??”
Sean: “You’ve never shagged a horse’s head? And you got the job on the O Zone?”
Jayne: “I have shagged Jamie Theakston though. Does that count?”
Phill: “No, we said a horse’s head, not the…other end.”
Arthur, absolutely serious: “I, TOO, have shagged Jamie Theakston.”

Arthur: “[so-and-s0] had a disposition, and said that the best way to wipe your ass was with a swan’s neck.”
Jayne: “A SWAN’S NECK? Why would that be?”
Sean: “Jamie Theakston’s not around?”

Arthur: “I’ve also had Richard Whitley.”
Jayne: [hums the Countdown theme]
Arthur: “It was a bit like that. And Jamie was similar, you remember…”

Arthur, on Madness: “I think it’s a bit unfair, because we’re invited to make amusing comments about Madness, a very cool band, who no one really wants to hear horrible jokes about, unlike the Osmonds, a bunch of grinning nutters…”
Mark: “So what you’re saying there Arthur is you haven’t got anything funny about Madness.”
Arthur: “I have several amusing anecdotes.”
Mark: [does a “BE MY GUEST” posture.]
Phill: “Let rip, Monkey Boy.”

Arthur: “You know there was a bit at the beginning where a lightbulb broke, and then I thought that it’d be the answer to ‘How many members of Madness does it take to screw in a lightbulb?’…and alas, I couldn’t think of the punchline.”
Arthur is on a ROLL tonight.

Mark: “Upon the release of Madness’ video for ‘It Must be Love’, Jimmy Savile urged kids everywhere to not go near water with electric guitars. In response, Madness urged kids everywhere not to go near Jimmy Savile. IT’S OUR FIRST JIMMY SAVILE JOKE OF THE SERIES, EVERYONE!”
And then streamers fall down and ‘Hot Hot Hot starts playing.

Once they bring in the actual Eye of the Tiger, they do something funny with the editing, where, with the beat, they cut to each of the panelists at random, at some odd moment of pose. Mark’s making a face. Phill’s falling. Martin’s in mid-sentence, etc.

In the T-Rex intro, Sean makes a very odd, scratchy “oOoOoOoOo”, sort of Tony Slattery-esque noise. Phill even guesses “SCOOBY DOO!” And for the rest of the round he just keeps making Scooby Doo noises.

Mark: “T-Rex’s manager said that he always knew that Mark Bolan would actually die traveling. Of course, he was wrong; it was the moment he stopped traveling that did him in. FIRST MARK BOLAN JOKE OF THE SEASON!!!”

Arthur, after Phill’s first Intro: “I think it’s called…’Fat Bloke Embarrassing Himself for Money.”
Mark: “….Bonus point, but not the right answer…”

Great moment. Arthur, not knowing, says he heard a bit of ‘All of Me’ in there. So Mark, Phill and Arthur go into an impromptu version of All of Me, full on singing and everything. I love little moments where the show just stops so Mark can have fun. I love his relaxed kind of demeanor there.

Mark: “Ike Turner once went deaf when he was surprised when trying to remove wax from his ear with a hat pin. A similar accident occurred when Kurt Cobain was surprised when trying to remove spinach from his teeth with a shotgun. IT’S THE FIRST…”

Great moment in ID Parade. The conglomerate guesses are 1, 2, and 5. #1, clearly not getting the game, walks forward, realizes his bluff, then walks back. Now Jayne goes “I’m changing mine to #1 now…”

Mark, at #1: “IF WE DON’T GET ANOTHER SERIES, I’M BLAMING YOU.”

Arthur, in ID Parade: “Now, uh, when was [Hazel Dean] around?”
Mark: “SHE’S AROUND NOW! SHE’S STANDING RIGHT THERE!”

Overall: Such a strong show, especially from Arthur Smith, who RULED this show like he did his first time out. Plus, at least he had help from Jayne and Martin, who both had a lot of fun. Bliss…was useless. Still, very funny show, with a lot of great Arthur moments. Mark, but the way, is looser than he’s ever been, and I’m loving this.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Arthur
NPC of the Week: Sister Bliss
Best Runner: FIRST GAG OF THE YEAR!!