Nevermind Watchdown: S7E10

Well, as I am allowed to say this since a member of Slade is on hand tonight, IIIIIIIIIITTTTT’S CHRRRISSSSTMAAAAASSSSS!!!!

Tonight’s long-delayed Series 7 Christmas Episode, brought back thanks to the quest for the lost episodes, features Rich Hall, Dave Hill from Slade, the last appearance of one of the members of the NMTB old guard, Tony “Not Metal, Don’t Know” Wright, and Daytime TV host Lorraine Kelly

Heck, Mark even recycles the ‘Christmas is about one man…but we couldn’t get Noddy Holder’ joke from last time. At least now Dave Hill’s in the room.

Rich, on Bon Jovi and Kim Wilde: “She’s also got two doorbells…she’s clearly STOLEN Jon Bon Jovi’s doorbell…I don’t understand it, why are there two doorbells? Is it a doorbell to GET INTO the doorbell?”

Sean makes a joke that Lorraine Kelly’s on the wrong program, “because R. Kelly’s doing a makeover program next door…”

Rich: “Alright, this is a longshot…she’s wearing a polka-dot dress
Mark, not amused: “yeah…”
Rich: “…polka…polish dance…Poland invaded by Hitler…DIDN’T WANT TO, but he had Goebbels up his ass. Cindy Crawford…went out with Richard Gere…”

Sean: “Is it to do with Chris Evans? Cause I know Kim used to go out with Chris Evans- actually, is it to do with Chris Evans showing up at parties? Cause he’s decided he’s not going to Bon Jovi’s party, hence the big smile. Kim gets the shock of her life- Chris Evans has turned up at her Christmas party. Cause they broke up after Chris beat her senseless…”
Mark: “Did he?”
Sean: “…at Monopoly.”
Rich: “beat her to a Pulp….concert.”
Mark: “How many more of these are there?”
Sean: “He knocked her flying….lessons, said ‘oh, these are very expensive…’

Sean: “Jon Bon Jovi was supposed to DJ once on Chris Evans’ show, but the government wouldn’t let him because he didn’t have a work permit.”
Rich, hearing this, scurries offstage.
Sean: “Rich, I’ll marry ya! Come back, it’ll be legal!”

Sean: “Are both their records being used to reinforce sand bags during the flooding?”
Mark, knowing when this is broadcast: “Which, you may remember, happened a few months ago…”
Sean: “AND STILL CONTINUE TO THIS DAY…I think we’ve got that covered…”

Phill: “Tony, have you got anything-”
Mark: “Oh, I was looking forward to this. The ‘Tony, Have You Got Anything’ portion of the show…”

Tony, on Sinead O’Connor: “No, she is a woman of the cloth…”
Sean: “A cleaner?”
Tony: “…she did have a pledge!”
(Everyone loses it. Tony, as dim as he can be, is really damn funny at times)

Rich, guessing an intro: “They’re doing…Rockin’ Robin. It’s Christmastime!”
Mark: “A robin’s a christmas related bird, I think.”
Rich: “It’s winter! The robins are dead at Christmas!”
Mark: “…really?”
Rich: “They’re dead, they’re falling out of the frozen trees, it’s a sick premise!”
Mark: “But on Christmas cards, I don’t know if you have them over there, but we have robins on the front–albeit dead, pressed ones…”

Dave, trying to explain to Tony what instrument he’s miming: “This is a hobo”
Mark: “A HOBO??? Is this the Puff Daddy Orchestra?”

Mark, like usual, just lets Tony struggle in intros, this time by letting Dave give him hints for ‘A Winter’s Tale’ “because I know you’re never gonna get it.”
The closest he gets is ‘A Cold Winter’s Tale’.
Mark: “You’re very close”
Tony: “A Chilly Winter’s Tale?”

After the song’s been played, Mark: “A Cold Winter’s Tale? As opposed to all the warm winters we’ve been having…”

Dave: “Does he need us to do it again?”
Phill: “Please, for the love of God, no.”
Mark: “I’ve had easier-moving Boxing Day shits than this…”

Mark: “Lorraine, I know you know it…but hold on, I’m gonna give him an anagram…Christmas Merry Wombling…”
Tony: “…Merry Christmas Wombling! Wombling Christmas Merry!”
Mark, to Phill: “….he didn’t get it, didn’t he?”
Phill: “Nah.”

Mark: “Mike Batt’s big break came on Top of the Pops, when he stood behind Jimmy Savile waving in his Wombles suit. It’s the only time in history of television that children have run TOWARDS Jimmy Savile.”

This is great- f0r Phill (and Dave’s) ID Parade, they have to pick out who plays Noddy Holder in a Slade tribute band.

once #3 is shown, there’s a definite audience reaction. The guy looks around, wondering what’s so funny.
Mark’s name for #3 is ‘Bill Oddie Noddy’. Which makes the audience laugh harder.
#4 is ‘ShowwoddyNoddy’
And #5, “and I’m really uncomfortable saying this, ‘If I said you had a beautiful Noddy would you hold it against me'”

Dave, on the confounding fake Noddys: “Has this been personally put on to annoy me?”
Mark: “No, YOU’VE been- never mind…”

Tony: “I’ve got #2 down, because all the other 4…3?…no, 4…”
Sean: “No wonder your gigs take so long, Tony. “1…5…2..GO!”

Sean, on the Mel C’s mom choices: “It’s not #2, because she plays Dave in the Slade tribute band…”

Sean: “#1 could be Baby Spice’s…uh…sister.”
Mark: “Oh, you smooth talker…”

Mark jokingly admits he didn’t know that Jesus was born on Christmas Day
Dave: “Actually, he wasn’t born on Christmas Day, but that’s another story…”
Phill: “AND ON THAT THEOLOGICAL BOMBSHELL, GOODNIGHT FROM NEVERMIND THE BUZZCOCKS…”

Next Lines: “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime.”
Rich: “…NO SHIT.”

Mark: “Frosty the Snowman was a happy, jolly soul.”
Sean: “…and then he met, Dave, and…now he’s a bit pear-shaped…”

Mark: “…AS IF THE TORTURE WASN’T ENOUGH…the scores are equal.”

Sean, guessing the tiebreak: “43 seconds.”
Mark: “FORTY THREE SECONDS???”
Sean: “I want Phill to win! I want him to have a happy Christmas.”
Mark: “Yes, but that means Dave has one too…”
Sean: “Oh, do we have to WATCH the clip? 4 seconds.”

The end of this episode is Anne Robinson telling Mark he’s the Weakest Link, which must have been a pretty topical joke then…

Overall: FANTASTIC Christmas show, with a solid panel, consistently funny games, running gags that kept coming, things for all three regulars to do, and lots of Rich Hall lines. This was a nice last hurrah for Tony, and he had a hysterical, if inept, showing. Dave was in a great mood, even in being lampooned, and Lorraine, while bringing up the rear, still did a fine job. Good stuff all around.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Rich
Best Runner: Tony in Intros

FINALLY, SERIES 7 SUPERLATIVES!

Best Episode: Episode 2, featuring Daphne & Celeste annoying the hell out of Mark, Par Wiksten being surprisingly edgy for a musician, Graham Gouldman being himself, and Mark going for the jugular with every goddamn joke.
2nd Best Episode: Episode 10, this very one, featuring Rich Hall being Rich Hall, Tony Wright absolutely bombing at Intros and Dave Hill being tortured by Noddy Holder lookalikes.
Worst Episode: Episode 3. Man, there was just NOTHING GOOD about this one. Just boring all the way through.
Best Regular: Mark, for being his angriest yet this season, which was a good sign for the future of the program.
Best Musician Guest: Alvin Stardust, Episode 9, for taking the opportunity and having fun with it, and having fun with Mark. Runner up goes to Per Wiksten.
Best Comedian Guest: So much competition this year, but I’m going with Rich Hall, Episode 10, for completely dominating his episode. Sean Lock, Bob Mortimer, Johnny Vegas and Dave Gorman were all considered.
Most Confused Guest: John Entwistle, Episode 1.. A shame, too.
Best Dartboard for Mark (and Everyone): David Soul, Ep. 8. So. Many. Starsky and Hutch Jokes.
Most Annoying Guests: Daphne and Celeste, Episode 2. I believe they nearly broke Mark.

Nevermind Watchdown: S7E9

The quest for the lost episodes continues, this time taking us to Series 7, which, to be honest, is one of the weakest series’ of the Sean Hughes era. like, to that point it was ascending every series, but 7 was a bit of a step back, with the exception of the Daphne & Celeste episode.

We’re onto episode 9, featuring Alvin Stardust, Liz McClarnon, Lloyd Cole, who used to front The Commotions, and DJ Trevor Nelson.

Mark, introing Alvin: “Alvin’s been in the industry for almost 40 years, and if I may make a suggestion…lose the coif.”
Nice nab at his own lack of hairstyle.

The first round is about how Sting got his name…can’t be good.

Sean: “Is it because he’s really tiny? Because if you look at the first shot there- that’s actually a chessboard…”

Mark: “In an interview, Sting revealed that his biggest worry was being killed by a falling coconut, as he would always be remembered as the bloke who was killed by a coconut. “I can’t think of anything more embarrassing”, said Michael Hutchence in an interview.”
…wow. I’m just shocked that he went the whole segment without bashing Sting.

Alvin: ‘I’ve got to be very careful with Oasis, because apparently, I saw ’em in an interview once, apparently I was one of the people on their wall. Mind you, Mark apparently had me on HIS wall, so it doesn’t say a lot-”
Mark: “Are you implying that we’ve had a homosexual liaison together?”
Phill: “Imagine, if you two DID have sex, the SUPER-COIF THAT WOULD BE BEGAT…like a GODZILLA coif!”

Alvin’s saying something about the Captain Sensible clip, and Mark’s looking around, looking in his glass, distracted. Finally, Alvin just goes over to Phill and says “I realize now why Reeves and Mortimer kept him down so much. He can be a real shit, can’t he?”
Mark cracks up at this one, knowing he’s right.

Alvin’s referring to something with Mark that he’s not supposed to talk about.
Phill: “Is it a coif thing, like Star Wars, going “MARK, I AM YOUR FATHER!”
Alvin: “You’re very close, there…that’s it, it’s out now…”
Phill: “MY SON, WITH OUR HAIRCUTS WE’LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! WHY DID YOU SHAVE YOURS OFF, MARK? WHYYY?”

Trevor asks if Phill and Alvin can make the intros funky. So, as they’re doing their first intro, Mark just sings over them, ‘One Nation Under a Groove’ by Funkadelic, just to A.) distract him, and B.) Piss him off.
Trevor: “It’s ‘One Nation Under a Groove’
Phill: “No, it WASN’T ONE NATION UNDER A GROOVE.”
Trevor: “Then SHUT UP, MARK!”

They try it again, and this time Mark just sings ‘You Make me Feel (Mighty Real)’ over them, which…also pisses Trevor off.

Mark: “How you doing there?”
Trevor: “…..One Nation Under a Groove?”
Phill: “NO??”

Some of the fake names for the ‘Video Killed the Radio Star’ ID Parade
#2: Porn Star. (Big audience reaction
#3: Freddie Star (he cracks up)

Sean: “#1 and #2 know each other, 2 from the porno, and 1 looks like he’s on the censorship board. ‘VE VILL *NOT* BE SEEING DAT IN OUR COUNTRY!”
Mark: “Which country is that, then, Sean?”
Sean: “Um….Switzerland?”

Mark keeps saying that Lloyd is unable to smile throughout the show, so he decides to swap #4 out for Lloyd in the ID Parade.

He redoes the ID Parade intros, and calls #4, Lloyd, “Miserable Bastard Star”, which causes him to break a bit.
Mark: “I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!! I GOT YOU, COLE! I’M YOUR DADDY NOW!”

Overall: As much of a good episode as Series 7 could give. Alvin was in a fantastic mood, even working off of Mark. Lloyd’s mood rose as they went on. Liz and Trevor got a lot done without doing a great deal on the panel. Not a TON going on, but the Alvin moments elevate it.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Alvin
Best Runner: Lloyd won’t smile.

Nevermind Watchdown: S13E5

While I’m here, I might as well throw in another missing episode from episode 13, this one featuring Mike Wilmot, who’ll definitely be in a good mood.

Sian Evans is the lead singer of Kosheen, an electronic-based alt-rockish band. Wayne Sleep’s an accomplished dancer who’s been on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Clint Boon played keyboards for Inspiral Carpets.

Mark mentions that Charlie Brooker from Busted went to the same private school as Stephen Fry and Johnny Vaughn, which ends with a Vaughn slam.
Mark, as Vaughny: “…okaayy. No laughs. …for the Vaughny joke. But a BIG LAUGH THERE…that we’ll edit onto that joke.”

On the Communards clip:
Bill: “They’re gay, aren’t they, the Communards?”
Mark: “GET OUT…’DEAR COMMUNARDS FAN CLUB, I HEREBY RESIGN AS YOUR CHAIRMAN…”

On the guy in the Communards video, Mike: “…looks like someone just showed him a snapshot of a vagina…”

Mike, reacting in character

Mike: “…put it away…”
Mark: “Mike, in England we call that a snatch-shot”

Bill: “Didn’t Jimmy Somerville perform at the Gay Olympics?”
Mark: “I imagine he did…what color rings do they have at the Gay Olympics?”
Mike: “It looks like THAT’s the shot-put, in the gay olympics..”

Mark, to Wayne: “What songs do you do in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?”
Wayne: “I don’t. I’m the Child-Catcher”
Mark: “Right, let’s leave that…”

Wayne actually reveals he went out with Freddie Mercury, “but we didn’t play any of his records.”
Phill: “But did he flip you over halfway through?”

Mark: “Brian May once did a charity gig with Cliff Richard and Phil Collins. I didn’t see the gig myself, I was too busy washing my hands of the kerosene and locking all the fire exits.”
Mike loses it a bit at this one.

For Bill’s first intro, Bill’s bass-playing just turns into him touching his nipples, which turns into him grinding against Mike, which turns into a hug.
Mike: “Is it called ‘strangely aroused’?”
Mark: “If you had both seen the close up of what just happened, you’d never want to touch another human being again…”

After Sian gets it for Phill’s team, Mike shakes his head, going “ah, the attempted rape must have thrown me off…”

#3 for Phill’s ID Parade

Mark: “I think #3’s first name is Sideshow…but I can’t think of his surname…”

Phill: “Y’ever seen Motorhead, Wayne?”
Wayne: “Well, yes…”
Mark: “Y’ever HAD Motorhead, Wayne? I’d love to see Wayne, dancing at a Motorhead gig.”

After they’ve agreed it’s #4, Sian: “Step forward, whoever you are…”
Mark: “NO, I DO THAT!”
#4 has already stepped forward.

Bill keeps insisting that #5 looks like Roy Scheider from Jaws, which Mark absolutely disagrees with. When they agree on it being “Roy Scheider”.
Mark: “BUT HE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE HIM!”
Bill, defiantly: “HEEEE DOES!”
Mark: “Alright, I’m gonna go and find out.

So he goes over there, and says “I know they say before the show you’re not supposed to talk, but the rules have changed slightly because I am the harbormaster. Am I allowed to ask how old you are?”
#5: “Sure.”
Mark, befuddled, drops his arms. He then goes “I’d like a more specific figure.”
#5: “68.”
Mark: “In those 68 years, has anyone, even once or twice, ever said you look even remotely like Roy Scheider from Jaws?”
#5: “….yeah, once or twice.”
Mark drops his arms. Bill celebrates from the seats. He then runs back, going “HOLD ON A SECOND….WAS IT HIM?” (Pointing to Bill)
#5: “…yeah.”
Mark: “THERE YA GOOOOO!!!!”

Overall: A wee bit thin, but still pretty enjoyable. Sian had the lightest load, but everyone contributed and did well, though Mike had the best lines, with a runner-up coming to Wayne, especially for putting up with all of Mark’s slams with a smile. Clint prospered in Next Lines, and was in nice form tonight, despite being quiet at times. Had some nice runners, good moments, but nothing too special.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Mike
Best Runner: Bill grinding Mike

Nevermind Watchdown: S5E2 or The Answer There was #3

Back when I was juuust getting my ankles wet into watching all of Nevermind the Buzzcocks, it occurred to me quickly that getting episodes wouldn’t be as easy as finding them for QI, in which they’re all easily accessible on youtube. Right when I was watching this series down, the Youtube police started coming in and deleting all the Buzzcocks episodes behind me. By the time I got up to Series 5, episode 3 was already gone, and I had no real choice but to keep going with the Watchdown without it.

Well…here I am watching Episode 2 of Series 5. For numerous reasons, I’m pretty excited about that, because Faye Tozer from Steps is here for Mark to screw with, Glen Matlock from THE SEX PISTOLS is here for Mark to fawn over, and Junior Simpson is here to be giggly and the requisite comedian. Additionally, Sara Cox, who I know from the old Scottish series Space Cadets (whew, haven’t mentioned that one in a while), is in the building, as another requisite comedian.

It’s very weird going back to the Sean era after all this Bailey-age currently. Indescipherable lyrics is still here, Mark’s still in ’50’s throwback’ mode. It’s…weird, but good.

Weird part is for the first time in years, I can actually sort of understand one of the songs in Indecipherable Lyrics, Alanis Morrisette’s ThankU.

Mark: “Did that song mean anything to you, whatsoever?”
Sean: “She’s got very hairy nipples…”

Junior: “SHE NEKKID! WHY IS SHE NEKKID?”
Mark: “JUNIOR, JUNIOR…you don’t have to scream, you have a mic.”
Junior, taking the joke: “oh, okay…”

Sean’s trying to interpret the lyrics as her Miss World speech, saying “she’s thanking India, and Thailand- Thailand, of course, were disqualified for bringing in a man-boy”
Mark, cutting him off: “SEAN! Man-boy…that would be male, wouldn’t it?”

Annoyed Mark is still his best

Faye’s explaining that she gets Alanis and what she’s saying, and goes on to say “if you’re premenstrual, you can really understand what she’s saying…”
Phill, in response, just walks off the show. Junior can’t believe what he’s hearing.
Mark: “She says menstrual, and a big red blob leaves…”
Phill comes back eventually, relishing the applause.

Faye: “I think she’s fantasizing about being a topless waitress..”
Sean: “Where does she keep the menus?”
Junior: “Don’t ask…”
Sean’s panel is tight as hell. Junior can be a bit annoying, but he still fits in well with the show…

Sara: “Good tune, though. Skids really made the mark with that one.”
(Collective groan from the audience, and Phill)

Sara, ashamed as hell over the skid marks joke

Mark: “When he left the Skids, Stuart Adamson left to become a big country member…and we do remember.”
JESUS THE WORDPLAY. Phill doubles over in laughter.
Adamson would be on shortly, so I doubt he actually meant that.

Phill, when he’s doing the Believe intro for Sara, eventually just ends up doing a Chewbacca impression, one he keeps going after the record’s been played

Mark: “In a recently released interview, John Lennon predicted that he would live to be 90. Perhaps his least successful prediction, apart from “it’s alright, Yoko, it’s only a water pis- BELIEVE, BY CHER-”
Phill’s entire panel has to stop to recover from that one.

Mark, giving Sean shit over his intro: “Sean…were you playing the world’s tiniest guitar there? Or was there some bellybutton fluff comin’ out?”

Faye, before another intro: “Am I gonna do percussion for this one?”
Sean: “Well what do you play in the band Steps? What instrument?”
Faye: “…..”

So Faye and Sean’s 3rd intro is so bad…not only does is absolutely horrify Junior, but after a while Mark just gives him the car. Junior just starts laughing harder than I’ve ever seen a person not named Drew Carey laugh.
Mark: “What is it, Junior?”
Junior: “THERE’S NO WAY THAT’S *THAT”!!!”
Mark: ‘It was Gangsta’s Paradise by Coolio…”

Ah. Here we go. Sean’s ID Parade is Edwin Starr, the guy who sang ‘WAR’. among them, appearing for the first time ever…ATHELSTON WILLIAMS!

#3…Evelyn War

Junior: “Okay, before I go any further, I’m not gonna take the mick too much, because one of these guys could be related to me…”
Mark: “What, because you’re black as well?”
Junior: “No, because my father may have cut some of their hair…”
Mark: “Then #3 probably wasn’t a regular, was he?”

Sean: “I’m a little worried about #3…he’s just looking at a light, transfixed. YA OKAY, #3?
#3: “……”
Sean: “HE DOESN’T KNOW!”

Sean: “Well, four of them of course are from around here, and one of them’s flown over from America, so who looks jet-lagged?..IT’S THREE!!! HE HAD A NEAR-CRASH AND HE’S TRAUMATIZED!”

Sean and Junior KNOW it’s #4, and Faye eventually agrees, “I actually like #4 the best-”
Mark: “Not who you like, who you think it is…”

Mark: “You know, you are in the lead, so you can just pick your favorite if you want…”
Sean: “Well my favorite’s #3, obviously…”

Mark: “….doesn’t seem so fond of you…”
Sean: “3, I love ya, you’re comin’ home with me, we’re gonna live together…”
Mark: “Must be a very PASSIONATE MAN!”
Sean, to Junior: “I’M WORRIED ABOUT THE FELLA!”
Mark: “When they all walk off and he’s still there…”
Sean: “He is the most professional, though. They probably said to him before he went out ‘now don’t move, just stay where you are’, and he said ‘I’VE GOT YA!”

Sean: “He’s the BEST! He should get time-and-a-half! The rest of ’em, fidgeting and movin’ about…HE’S A MANNEQUIN!”

Eventually #4, the real Edwin Starr, steps forward.
Mark: “And, uh, just to set MY mind at ease, would #3 please step forward…”

Now he’s just doing it on purpose

Eventually Sean and Junior get him to step forward, which upsets Mark. He’s very smiley and appreciative.
Mark: “It’s like the parable of ‘The Bald Man That Could Walk’!”

And then, right after the Edwin Starrs leave, they cut back to Mark, and he’s doing this:

Mark’s Athelston Impression

Next Lines: “When the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on”
Sean: “…..boom bang-a-bang…”
Mark: “You must know it, Faye. ‘IT’S A TRAGEDY’
Faye doubles over, embarrassed as hell.

Mark: “Who’s the cat that won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about?”
END OF ROUND SOUND
Mark: “The answer there was #3.”

Mark: “In a Big Country, dreams stay with you.”
He smirks, remembering his ‘big country member’ joke from earlier. Phill cracks up here as well.
Phill: “In a lover’s voice from a mountain side.”
Mark, still smirking: “Yes, In a Big Country by Big Country”
Now the audience laughs every time he says ‘Big Country’. Outstanding.

Mark’s signoff is “you’ve been watching Nevermind the Buzzcocks, I’ve been Mark Lamarr…”

Overall: Now…if I had seen this when I was supposed to, this would probably be one of the funnier episodes up to that point. Not only do we have the Athelston runner, which bewildered EVERYONE, but we have Junior being giggly as hell, Mark screwing with Sara about Northern jargon, Faye being a surprisingly good panelist, the Big Country runner, and most of the Alanis Morrisette Indecipherable Lyrics round. My one gripe was Glen was a bit too quiet, but was still in the right mood. The Athelston moments are amazing here, and I can see why they kept bringing him back.

Best Regular: Sean
Best Guest: Junior
Best Runner: 

Nevermind Watchdown: S13E1 or Anyone In from…AzerbaiJANN?

THE QUEST FOR THE MISSING EPISODES CONTINUES!!!

This was the one where, when I found out I’d be missing this copy on Youtube, I got kind of angry and discouraged going into E2, a HarMar Superstar episode I believe. You’ll see why when I roll out the cast.

Huey Morgan is here. Louise Redknapp is here- both proctored great episodes in the first few seasons. Also, Alexei Sayle is here, and he’s a very funny middle-eastern-born comedian. And Dick Valentine is here, and he sings lead for Electric Six. Which means I KNOW EVERYONE ON THE PANEL!!! YAAAAYYYY!

Alexei, on Liza Minnelli: “Is she really friends with Celine Dion?”
Mark: “Well, it’d be nice to think that no one is, wouldn’t it?”

They do eventually bring up a picture of David Gest, just as a reference, and UGH:

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Mark: “They roamed Loch Ness for years while he ran around free…”

Phill: “It’s the portrait in Robbie Williams’ attic!”
Mark: “Is there a really good song playing up there as well?”

Bill, on MJ being Gest’s best man: “I’m just guessing that he and this fellow had a GREAT night out! A stag night!”
Alexei: “Like Dublin? Or PRRRAAAAGUE!”
Mark: “Did you just wanna say ‘PRRRRAAAAGUE’ then?”
Alexei: “Then we’ll do AZERBAI-JAN!”
Mark: “It’s been a long time since Alexei’s been on television doing comedy, and his catchphrases aren’t what they used to be…’ANYONE IN FROM…AZERBAI-JANN?”

Mark: “As expected, Liza’s marriage to David Gest didn’t last long. In fact, at the divorce court, Liza was still combing rice out of her hair…”
(little to no audience response)
Mark: “Okay, there’s more to come…I’m gonna put Azerbaijan in this one- AS EXPECTED, LIZA’S AZERBAIJANI MARRIAGE TO DAVID GEST…”
(Audience response is a ton better, and Alexei’s cracking up)
Mark: “IT WORKS! ALEXEI’S DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF COMEDY!!! It’s the seamless property- LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION…”

Mark: “Is it because she discovered the magazine had published a rude article about her heroine Diana Ross?”
Huey, quickly: “Diana Ross is on heroin??”
Mark: “…yes, PICKLED heroine…”

After Mark’s read the Beyonce answers, Phill goes: “Or, was it D- from the looks of the photo, she’s just blown a smurf.”

Beyonce, post-smurf-blowing

Mark’s immediate reaction

Huey, drinking his mug, to Mark: “They gave me beer…”
Mark: “They did? To go on top of all that dope?”

Then, after another Huey joke, he just gives himself eye-drops.
Mark: “YEAH…THAT’LL REALLY FOOL ‘EM. In the olympic village- “No, I haven’t had any drugs” (mimes shooting roids)

Once again, with these intros, Louise is doing a variant on the sexy ‘AAAHHHHH’-ing, from her debut episode. Of course, there’s not a Jeff Green around to get extremely horny, but it’s still pretty funny.

Great moment- Alexei, who’s in a wonderful mood, is dancing to ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’, cheerily. Cut over to Huey, who’s still stoned, looking around and staring into space. Just a great contrast

Mark: “Elton John played keyboards on the Hollies track ‘I can’t tell the bottom from the top’. (pause) ….Elton John…’I Can’t tell the bottom from the top’….nope. No jokes there.”

So…for Phill’s intros round, Mark has no idea what the answers are, as someone’s taken his cards. So, Dick guesses way off for ‘In Da Club’, and Phill just goes ‘2 points’. Alexei, not getting it, starts to argue that it’s not fair that Dick would guess, as he’s a musician.
Mark: “Alexei…you had HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S MY BROTHER…and still missed it. You know what…Huey, do some Dostoyefsky, see if he knows it…”
Huey, who is still really stoned, tries miming something
Phill: “He’s doing ‘The Idiot'”

A lot of this episode is lost because Alexei is saying a lot, and a bit too much of him is a bit annoying. Also, Dick and Louise, while fun, aren’t doing too much.

Dick, to Huey: “Remember the consequences if we get this one wrong…”
Mark: “Which is what?”
Dick: “….I don’t know.”
Mark: “Just no points.”

This is great- Mark’s announcing the numbers for ‘Ready to Go’, and Huey just says hi to one of them, as they knew each other back in the day. So, Mark asks him which one it is.
Huey: “…it’s #4.”
Mark, to Bill’s team: “SO…IS IT #4? OR…NOT?”
#4 is flat out cracking up now.

Bill, deliberating: “Well…it’s not #1-”
Mark: ‘NO, IT’S #4…”

After #4 steps forward, Huey starts going ‘hey Tim’ again
Mark: “You see, that would have been a good time to go ‘hey Tim’, rather than before.”
Huey, just to spite him: “IT’S #4. HEY TIM!”

Mark gives Alexei the next line of his single from the 80’s, which turns into Mark and Alexei singing many more verses of it together. Great moment.

Overall: Generally solid show, with some nice moments- just a few less than I would have expected given the lineup. Everybody was into it, even a drunk Huey, but Dick and Louise didn’t have a ton to do, though Dick did have some nice moments and a great demeanor. Alexei was in a great mood and had some great moments with Mark. Huey was kind of stoned, and Mark had a great time screwing with him.

UPDATE 2021: My cousin Dylan is a big Electric Six guy, which is how I’d heard of them. Went to so many concerts that Dick Valentine knew him. Dick ended up sending him a Cameo on his wedding day, and it was every bit as bonkers as you might expect. He literally recorded it while walking through Brooklyn. As nuts as he was in this episode, it’s nowhere near the full scope of Dick IRL, or on stage.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Alexei
Best Runner: Azerbaijan

Nevermind Watchdown: S12E07 or HELLO, BARBARA…

Another blast from the past, this one’s a Rich Hall episode (YAAAAYYYY!), also featuring Christian O’Connell, who last appeared on the same panel as Pete Burns (poor guy)

Guy McKnight was a member of Eighties Matchbox, a hard-ish rock band, Nick Bracegirdle’s a member of electronic group Chicane.

Phill, bringing up Tatu for the Gareth Gates clip: “There’s Russian lesbians in the charts and I have to watch Gareth Gates videos. It just doesn’t seem fair.”
Mark: “Have you HEARD that record? It does seem fair.”

Christian says the driver in the Gates video is Stevie Wonder, and it’s his doing that winds Gareth into showing up late to the gig.
Rich: “Can I just point out that this man is white?”

Mark has Guy, who’s not saying much at all, say hello to his mother, which Guy reads at his own mother, so he goes “Hello to my mother!”
Mark: “No, my mother! Her name’s Barbara!”

Mark: “Those girls are looking really into that gig, ain’t they?”
Bill: ‘Girl in the blue looks bored out of her mind.”
Rich: “That’s cause her knees have been mangled.”
Bill: “She actually has 3 knees. ‘Now, I got three knees, and I’ve gotta listen to this.hm..”

Rich: “Now look at the guy on the right. There’s a kid on the right- that’s their manager.”
Bill: “The poor guy looks horrified. He’s thinking ‘if I just run across the stage and pull that lede out, maybe then the horrible noise will stop…”

Mark, after reading the German answer: “it WOULD HAVE caused an international incident, but the UN went “….ehhh, it’s Deep Purple…”

After Christian says he doesn’t know what Phill’s 1st intro is.
Nick: “Where do you work?”
Mark: “He’s on XFM.”
Nick: “Is that like a music thing?”
Mark: “Well…sometimes. They do chat a bit in between the records.”
Nick: “So…you don’t know what that is?”
Christian: “Not the sort of song we’d play…”
Mark, raising an eyebrow: “How d’you know?”
Christian: “Dunno the sound of it.”
Mark: “You don’t know what it is! It might be exactly the sort of thing ya do play! But done badly.”
Nick: “I am very, very disappointed in ya.”
Mark: “I am disappointed in him, but not because of that.”
Nick: “It sounds like an Erasure record!”
Mark: “IT *IS* AN ERASURE RECORD!”
Christian: “Is it, Erasure, I Love to Hate You?”
Nick: “BOLLOCKS! I just said that!”
Mark, devilishly: “…Not in the finished show, you didn’t!”

Rich is wonderful on this show, even if he’s not too keen on modern music. Within 3 seconds of Bill and Nick’s 1st intro, he already goes ‘I don’t know it…’

Mark: “T. Rex’s percussionist Steve Peregrine Took took his name from a character from Lord of the Rings. Coincidentally, one of our team captains got his face from a character in Lord of the Rings.”
CUT TO BILL LOOKING CONFUSED
Mark: “HOLD ON, WHY HAVE THEY AUTOMATICALLY CUT TO BILL???”

Rich: “Uhhh…#1”
Mark: “Okay, that’s that!”
Rich: “You know anything about any missing equipment around the East German border…TELL THE TRUTH.”
#1: ‘…….’
Rich: “I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES!”

Rich: “#4 looks like an Elvis impersonator…had Elvis lived…”

Nick: “#1 does have a Chas and Dave thing about him…”
Mark: “You’re right, #1 does look a bit like him…”
Nick: “I think it’s the hat, though.”
Mark: “…yeah, AND the face…”

So Mark and Guy have an argument about what the actual lyrics to Guy’s song are, as they’re not printed correctly on the card.
Mark: “Let’s try it this way. What comes after ‘it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it.”
Guy: “I want to fuck your mother…”

Mark’s immediate reaction

Rich’s absolutely befuddled expression

Phill, harkening back to earlier: “…HELLO BARBARA…”

Mark: “God, I can’t believe I’m gonna give someone a point for saying they wanna fuck my mom…HOW MANY QUIZZES does that happen on?”

Mark: “Your time starts….NOW.”
Rich, thinking it’s a question: “THE END IS NEAR.”
Mark: “No” (cracks up)
Rich, outraged: “OH, COME ON!”
Mark: “I’ll give you a point for that, fair enough…”

Mark: “Set me free why don’t ya babe.”
Rich: “You just keep me hanging on.”
Mark: “You do, but that’s not the next line.”
Rich, out of options: “…I wanna fuck your mother.”

Mark, after the umpteenth ‘i’ll give you that’: ‘We’re gonna run til midnight…”
Rich: “…at the oasis…”

Overall: Really nice show, better than Ep. 6, with a lot more fun stuff from Rich and Christian. Guy’s quietness gave a lot of material, especially toward the end, and Nick was actually in a nice mood. Still, Rich gave the funniest stuff, as he does seem to enjoy NMTB but his schtick doesn’t always fit, which…he actually uses to his advantage.

Best Regular: Mark
Best Guest: Rich
Best Runner: ‘Hello Barbara…’

Nevermind Watchdown: S12E06 or IS THAT THE ONLY REFERENCE YOU HAVE??

FROM THE DEPTHS OF TIME, FROM WAY BACK IN THE LAMARR ERA…SERIES 12!

Somehow, I’ve uncovered a resource that can get me a few earlier-watchdown episodes, so that I don’t have a Watchdown that’s holier than swiss cheese. So, because I feel like it, I’m gonna write-up Episode 6 of Series 12, and refresh myself on the Mark Lamarr era before I need to watch another stilted Simon episode.

Tonight’s episode features Fearne Cotton- this much is absolutely certain. Dennis Locorriere (who’s a fellow New Jersey-ite) sang with country-rock (!?!?) group Dr. Hook in the 1970’s. Christian Livingstone’s a guitarist for the Datsuns. Sarah Whatmore ‘escaped from Pop Idol’, according to Mark.

Bill’s connected round concerns Toyah Wilcox and Rick Wakeman. I believe the answer is that both keep coming on Buzzcocks to annoy Mark.

Bill, on the shot of the Toyah video: “This, looks like a Hobbit picket line”
Dennis: “Is this a car park? She’s taken up two parking spaces alone with her hair…”
Mark: “I was hoping this would be the first week Bill wouldn’t resort to Lord of the Rings so early…”
Bill: “IT’S MY WORLD!”
Mark: “Bilbo Bailey!”

Phill: “Toyah’s actually- she’s a great, womanly symbol there, and I think she’s actually ovulating.”
Mark: “That would be Toyah spawn. She leaves it at the bottom of a lake until a male Toyah comes to inseminate it….I mean, she may be wanking a in pond for SOME reason…”

Bill, on the Wakeman clip: “This is a fantastic scene, where he’s on his email, he’s in a chatroom- My name is Tracy, I’m fourteen…and I live in a cave- OOOHH. Shouldn’t have given the address out…”
Mark: “Imagine turning up on a blind date, and THAT comes along…”
Phill: “Is he like one of those undocumented interviewees, going ‘yeah, I used to be a wizard, and uh…was working out alright for me, for a while…”
Mark: “The internet Wizard ring…”

Mark, getting a taste of Ronan Keating, introing him: “GOAT VOICED, WEASEL FACED, RONAN…BACK-OF-A-SPOON KEATING…”

Sarah, on Keating: “He’s a good songwriter.”
Mark: “Oh. Well, he’s kept that hidden…”

Phill: “He’s going ‘luv, wake up…i’ve lost me kestrel…”
(There’s the Phill Jupitus magic word)
Phill: “Are ya havin’ a dream? Here’s an imaginary cornetto…”

Fearne: “Doesn’t look too bothered, does she though?
Mark: “She’s dead! Why else would you be in bed with Ronan Keating?”

Phill, going back to his captions: “Smell me hand, love! What have I been doin’?”

Sarah: “He’s got to have tripped over something pretty big there, cause that’s a big fall…”
Mark: “His ego.”

Mark, after many Sophie Ellis-Bextor jokes: “God bless her, she just donated to an anti-fur campaign…cause the balls keep getting stuck in her throat…”
The whole panel breaks down

“#5…MIKE…omputer’s been impounded” just holds this insane stare for the longest time.

Mark: “We do ask the people in the lineup not to smile, but we never say you can’t empty your bag before you come up…”

Bill: “It’s…Gollum, dressed as a tout!”
Mark: “IS THAT THE ONLY REFERENCE YOU *HAVE*??”

Mark: “I like #5, I’m gonna adopt him! Can you adopt older people, is that legal?”
Christian: “I think it’s called kidnapping…”

Phill: “I’d love to see David Attenborough make a documentary about #4 and 5. ‘The anteater DISPLAYS for the female…in a boldly colored coat…”

Phill: “Is this how Bailey views the world at all times. A Kaleidoscope of crazy-colored individuals…”
Mark: “I don’t think one of them is the Lord of the Rings…”

Phill: “Can #4 get Coif Viagra?”
Mark: “It was erect before he saw you, Phill…”

Overall: Solid, if unspectacular. Most of the heavy lifting was done by the regulars, though the guests did have some good moments. Fearne did the most- she seems pretty at home here, and had nice rapport with Mark. Dennis was in a good mood, Sarah had some nice jokes. Not top to bottom amazing, but a nice one.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Fearne
Best Runner: Lord of the Rings

Nevermind Watchdown: S21E01

Right. Onto our last series of Bill Bailey, and our penultimate series of Simon Amstell. Oh boy.

Tonight, Bill does indeed show up, but won’t be back for another 3 shows after this one. Just fyi. Jessica Hynes from Spaced is here, as is Joel Pott, who’s been on before. Kimberly Stewart is “not just Rod’s daughter”, and Lethal Bizzle is, well, a rapper.

For some reason the intro-standups after the panelists are introduced are gone this episode, and likely for the rest of the series’ run. Maybe since Preston’s kind of irked him. Also, the set modernization has hit full-force. Simon’s definitely veering away from any ties to Mark Lamarr, or to meanness. Let’s see how this affects the actual show.

Simon: “Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven’t done the show for so long that I’ve forgotten who we’re supposed to hate!”

Bill, to Bizzle: “You on Myspace?”
Bizzle, in his accent: “Ya, I’m on Myface.”
Bill: ‘MY FACE?”
Phill: “Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know…”

Simon, on the bodyguards on Kimberly’s new show: “Are they allowed to touch you?”
Kimberly: “No, they’re not allowed to look me in the face”
Jessica: “Only the vagina.”

Halfway through Simon just asking Jessica questions, they decide to just flat-out-wrestle in the middle of the set. It’s an odd moment, but it’s very good-natured.

Kimberly is completely sinking in the Intros round, and is asking everyone for hints.
Joel: “CALVIN HARRIS!”
Kimberly: “What?”
Simon: ‘JOEL POTT!’
Kimberly: “I don’t…”
Simon: “LUCKILY…she hasn’t understood what you SAID…”

This episode is being bogged down with a lot of Simon interludes, where he’s interrupting the quiz portion just to talk to the panelists, making little makeshift Popworld interviews out of the actual quiz. It’s like the opening round barely even matters anymore. I mean, hopefully he calms down off this.

Simon: “George W. Bush says he has The Knack’s ‘My Sharona’ on his iPod, presumably to drown out the screams of a thousand dead iraqi children”
There’s a huge audience response. Immediately after, Simon puts up his ‘happy picture’ from earlier in the episode and lays back. Phill cracks up at this.
Phill: “You’re gonna need a bigger kitten…”

Jessica: “#5 is ANGRY!”
Phill: “That usually is a fine indication of the person in question…”

Overall: Not a great start to the series. Simon took a lot of time out to screw with Kimberly and Jessica, and it took away from the overall effect of the quiz. Yeah, everyone was good, and Lethal and Jessica were having fun, but it was very weak in terms of material.

Best Regular: Simon
Best Guest: Jessica
Best Runner: Happy Photo

Nevermind Watchdown: S20E6

Time to wrap up this incredibly short season of NMTB. And oh, what a season it’s been. Not a single bad episode in the mix. Just ones that are slightly less awesome than others. We end this tonight on an episode featuring a pretty high profile guest for the ‘we can’t book many great people’ era, Bonnie Tyler of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ fame, as well as Melanie Chisolm, aka Sporty Spice, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, an interviewer who Robert Downey Jr. once told to fuck off, and Adam Buxton, a comedian I sort-of recognize from Hot Fuzz.

Simon, summing up the series: “It’s been a series fraught with drunks, walk-offs, and most unforgivably, Sinitta.”

Mel, on the shot of Pete Dockerty with the union jack: “Dirty robbing bastard…”
Phill: “What’s that?”
Mel: “It’s Geri’s dress, isn’t it?”

Phill: ‘Lovely image here, Pete Dockerty sings Frank Sinatra.”
Adam: “Come snog with me, let’s snog, let’s snog away…”

Bill, to Krishnan: “How do you stand on Channel 4 with all the business going on…”
Simon: “Bill, it’s six weeks ago.”
Bill: ‘What?”
Simon: “The racism.”
Bill: “Six weeks ago?”
Simon: “This is going out in six weeks.”
Bill: “DON’T SAY THAT! Don’t say ‘it’s six weeks ago’ when it’s now! You’re fucking up my head! it’s NOW IN *MY* HEAD!”
Simon: “I just don’t want you to wait…”
Bill: “OH! So let’s talk about things that might happen in the future! Blimey…them new hover-trousers are great, aren’t they? Bonnie, how’s it with the new perfume range you’ve made?”
Bonnie: “Nobody’s asked me to launch one, dar-”
Bill: ‘THEY HAVE BECAUSE IT’S IN THE FUUUUTURE! HE SAID IT WAS THE FUTURE! THE TIME LORD!”
That was a fantastic, Johnny Vegas-esque breakdown.

Simon: “Krishnan, as a hard news man, what should we do about hunger?”
Krishnan: “…feed people.”
Simon: “Okay, that’s that!”

Simon starts grilling Mel about her personal life: “DO YOU PUT…CONDOMS…on a MAN before you have intercourse?”
Mel, quick: “…DO YOU?”
Simon, defeated, sits back down. He then gets back up and goes “we just cuddle…”

Bonnie gives Krishnan a snippet of the chorus, which means Simon’s conflicted as to whether or not to give them the point. “I don’t want to offend Bonnie”
Mel: “But you have no trouble offending me…”
Simon: “Yeah, well you’re not a drunk!”

Bonnie: “My big sister will come in here and tear you off.”
Simon: “…what does SHE drink?’

Simon does a good job of giving Krishnan things to do, like handing off to him to deliver another joke. Krishnan, admittedly, felt like an odd choice for Buzzcocks, but is actually having a nice time on the program, especially in balancing out Bonnie.

Overall: Definitely S20’s weakest episode, but not without its moments. Bill and Phill were very loose tonight, and Krishnan and Adam had a lot of great lines. Mel and Bonnie got screwed with a ton, and I didn’t put down all their lines.

Best Regular: Bill
Best Guest: Krishnan
Best Runner: Bill and Phill sing news themes.

SERIES 20 SUPERLATIVES!
Best Episode: Episode 2, featuring Donny Tourette’s drunkenness, Noel Fielding’s debut, Philip’s shirtless mocking, and that scary looking dude wearing sunglasses.
Second Best Episode: Episode 3, featuring Preston walking off…and then everyone else threatening to walk off, Anne Charleston having a great time, and Ed Byrne screwing with Ed!Preston.
Worst Episode: Sadly, Episode 6. Just mainly in comparison to the others.
Best Regular: Bill Bailey, in his last full season on the panel, for returning to his early-Mark-era inspired self, and adding fuel to some of the best runners this series.
Best Musician Guest: Midge Ure, for being surprisingly game and incredibly dry.
Best Comedian Guest: Noel Fielding, for nearly taking over the Donny Tourette episode. Alan Davies came very close though.
Best Dartboard for Simon: Donny Tourette. I should explain- Donny is a punk.

Nevermind Watchdown S20E5, or Amstell, did you steal from the Hood and give to the Bailey?

For once this season, I don’t know a ton of people on the panel. Just Dom Joly, who was on an episode of QI a while back, and Sinitta, who’s been on, but was unmemorable on her episode. Still, knowing this season, the momentum’s probably going to keep going for a while…

Nick Hodgson was the drummer for Kaiser Chiefs for a while. Jonas Armstrong played Robin Hood on the BBC program.

Tonight, Simon’s introducing a new around, where contestants have to guess what objects injured popstars, called ‘Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?”
Simon, after a modest response, goes “Hey, it was either that or ‘Injury and the Blockheads’.
Phill, the resident Blockheads expert, chuckles a tad, but no real response.
Simon: “…Glad we didn’t go with that one, then…”

Phill: “Why is it that bands do everything with fire extinguishers except extinguish fires. They drink them, squirt them at each other, have sex with them-”
Nick: “On one of our songs on the new album, Ricky PLAYED a fire extinguisher”
Phill: “PLAYED? I mean, you’ve won Brit Awards. You can afford instruments!”

Jonas: “The only reason that you could get injured by peanut butter is if you go back to the hotel room on your own, without a groupie, and injured yourself wanking with it…”
Phill: “Yeah, but only if you use crunchy…”
Jonas: “I’ve tried both, and believe me, it happens with both…”
Simon: “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ROBIN HOOD?”
Phill: “I actually like it with jam!”
(Simon gives him a look)
Phill: “Peanut butter, not wanking!”

Simon, explaining the J from 5ive Fire Extinguisher story: “Apparently J thought it would be funny to stick the fire extinguisher hose down the front of his trousers and let it off. However, much to his disappointment, the chemicals burnt his penis and testicles quite badly. “HELP, MY PENIS AND TESTICLES ARE BURNING OFF” he unconvincingly mimed.”

Bill, on the Dylan video: “This is Dylan, putting the window down”
Dom: “No, he’s putting the window up, because Dylan’s boring him. ‘EVER TELL YA BOUT’ ‘VMMMMMMMMMM'”

Simon: “After the release of Bob Dylan’s album ‘Modern Times’ he was accused of plagiarizing the work of poet Henry Timrod, specifically the line ‘there is a wisdom that grows up in strife.’ Timrod was also famed for the line ‘he’s got to be big and strong, enough to turn me on.”
CUT TO SINITTA:

…wait a minute, those are my lyrics…

Simon: “….THIEF! And not in a good Robin Hood way!”

Simon asks Jonas about his acting range, and to give his best ‘angry’, which Bill resents, giving an angry face of his own.

Bill’s angry face

Jonas’ first intro, he knows it completely, asks if it’s Northern, gets the Stone Roses…and gives the wrong Stone Roses title. He immediately gives the right one, and Simon goes “I’m not giving you the point, because you were too smug about it…”
Afterwards, Phill retorts: “Amstell, did you steal from the Hood and give to the Bailey?”

Very next round, Nick gives him the title, and he immediately gives it back..and Simon doesn’t count it, and he gets even angrier about it. Jonas is being very defensive about it, and Simon’s not having it, all the while Dom’s going “EASY ROBIN, LEAVE IT!”

Simon: “We also heard Waterfall by the Stone Roses. WATERFALL, NOT “fbfbfbfbf WRONG.”

After Simon suggests Sinitta should replace Kate Thornton on the X Factor: “What’s wrong with Kate?”
Simon: “Well, she doesn’t appear to be human. You should talk to Cowell. You know him, he’s your…ex. I know you’re happily married now, and this time to a HETEROsexual, which is nice”
Sinitta completely loses it. She nods, as if it is true.

Dom: “You were married to Cowell?”
Sinitta: “We were never married.”
Bill: “Didn’t get through to the final round…”

Jonas, on the ID Parade: “Can I ask you…do they always stare at you, in such a terrifying way?”

Phill: “For those of you who thought 5ive had broken up, HERE…ARE THE POLISH REPLACEMENTS!”

Phill, knowing full well who Rik Waller is, says he’s had enough, and goes up to the lineup, telling Rik to sit in his seat as he replaces Rik in the lineup. So, Rik sits down, jazzed to be there, and then Simon asks him which one is Rik Waller.

Phill just looks pained.

And then Phill sees how horrifyingly #5 is eyeing him, and just slowly scoots away from him.

#3 is struggling to hold in his laughter.

Of course then Simon gets very confused, and even confers with Nick about what the hell he does. Phill even asks, if he says ‘will the real Rik Waller step forward’, he can’t even, because he’s not Rik Waller.
Simon, at his wit’s end: “WHY DIDN’T I PAY MORE ATTENTION IN PRESENTING SCHOOL?”

Eventually Bill gets an idea to have phill magically morph into Rik, like in Star Trek, while the soothing music of Sister Sledge plays in the background. This, somehow, WORKS!

Simon, reading a snippet of Sinitta’s book summary: “Find out why Andi Peters broke my heart”
Phill: “Oh, tricky one…”
Dom: “Let’s have a think!”

Overall: Obviously not as great at the last few, but still a pretty great one. Sinitta had much more to do here, and had a lot more fun with Simon. Jonas did get a lot of bashing, and seemed a bit annoyed after a while, but for a while was having fun. Dom had a bunch of nice jokes, and Nick, though the quietest of the four, did have some nice bits.

Best Regular: Phill
Best Guest: Sinitta
Best Runner: Simon Cowell